Family in a financial mess

[Anonymous]

I am a first generation immigrant from a poor rural Indian family. My parents are solidly middle class government employees who are now retired. At the height of his career my dear father used all of his money + loans + dipping into his retirement funds to ensure me and my siblings were given the best education he could afford. As such we went to well regarded private British schools and after graduating came to the U.S to attend university.

I am now married and live in the U.S on a GC. My brother is also here and works. The problem is, my father is now retired, deeply in debt and without any savings to fund him, my mom and my 2 other siblings who are still in high school. They are completely broke. My youngest sister is attending a private HS back home and they need money for her registration for the new year. My parents have been hitting my brother and I for money over the years. We feel it is our obligation to help them as they are our parents and also because they are in such dire circumstances.

I feel awful but at the same time feel like I can never really save. I don't know how to help or fix their problems.

[Anonymous]

How much is the private school? I'd help with that. He sounds like a good man to try to give you all a better life but I agree you should not go into debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much is the private school? I'd help with that. He sounds like a good man to try to give you all a better life but I agree you should not go into debt.

She needs 8k for registration.

[Anonymous]

You and your brother should do all you can to get your siblings an education. That's the best way to help your parents. Then you have can have four well employed siblings helping your parents as they age, instead of just two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your brother should do all you can to get your siblings an education. That's the best way to help your parents. Then you have can have four well employed siblings helping your parents as they age, instead of just two.

+1

Your family has already come out of rural Indian poverty thanks to them. It is not easy but you need to bring up rest of the family. He went into debt giving you all an education and that is not a waste of money. This is a good debt and now you are in a position to help to pay off this debt.

However, take some lessons from your dad's situation. Do not have more than 1 or 2 offsprings. Live way below your means and save some money for your kids to go to state schools.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like you are getting pressure not to help them. Is that the case?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a first generation immigrant from a poor rural Indian family. My parents are solidly middle class government employees who are now retired. At the height of his career my dear father used all of his money + loans + dipping into his retirement funds to ensure me and my siblings were given the best education he could afford. As such we went to well regarded private British schools and after graduating came to the U.S to attend university.

I am now married and live in the U.S on a GC. My brother is also here and works. The problem is, my father is now retired, deeply in debt and without any savings to fund him, my mom and my 2 other siblings who are still in high school. They are completely broke. My youngest sister is attending a private HS back home and they need money for her registration for the new year. My parents have been hitting my brother and I for money over the years. We feel it is our obligation to help them as they are our parents and also because they are in such dire circumstances.

I feel awful but at the same time feel like I can never really save. I don't know how to help or fix their problems.

It is also your obligation because your good fortune is part of their current circumstances. They are not "hitting you up" they are asking you to repay your debt to them. Live and save as if you make $15k less than you do and send the post tax difference home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a first generation immigrant from a poor rural Indian family. My parents are solidly middle class government employees who are now retired. At the height of his career my dear father used all of his money + loans + dipping into his retirement funds to ensure me and my siblings were given the best education he could afford. As such we went to well regarded private British schools and after graduating came to the U.S to attend university.

I am now married and live in the U.S on a GC. My brother is also here and works. The problem is, my father is now retired, deeply in debt and without any savings to fund him, my mom and my 2 other siblings who are still in high school. They are completely broke. My youngest sister is attending a private HS back home and they need money for her registration for the new year. My parents have been hitting my brother and I for money over the years. We feel it is our obligation to help them as they are our parents and also because they are in such dire circumstances.

I feel awful but at the same time feel like I can never really save. I don't know how to help or fix their problems.

It is also your obligation because your good fortune is part of their current circumstances. They are not "hitting you up" they are asking you to repay your debt to them. Live and save as if you make $15k less than you do and send the post tax difference home.

Plus both you and your brother should be sending something automatically. They shouldn't have to ask/grovel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much is the private school? I'd help with that. He sounds like a good man to try to give you all a better life but I agree you should not go into debt.

She needs 8k for registration.

If you have the money to do so, send $4k and have your brother send $4k. If you don't have it to send, swallow your pride and tell them so. When your family sacrifices to give you opportunity, the decent thing is to repay the debt as you are able.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is really tough.

I'm going to buck what many others on this board might say. I don't believe in obligation. I've seen it become toxic and drown all members of a family.

It's up to you whether you feel like helping your younger sibling with school fees and whether/how much of that is affordable to you. When you were a child, you did not make your parents' financial decisions for them. As a minor you probably did not select the schools you attended, and you might have done equally well/been equally happy at other schools. You were not in control of your parents' income, their interest rates, or the number of children they raised. I also believe that gifts should be exactly that, gifts. Anything given with the expectation of a future return is a business deal or a contract. When your parents gave you the gift of an education, you were too young to enter into a contract to agree to pay for a sibling's education or their retirement.

To the extent that you do want to freely help your family members, it's reasonable to say that you are worried for their retirement as well as your own future financial stability and ability to help your children as they once helped you. As such, you would like to make investments of principle now so as to be better able to meet everyone's needs in the future.

[Anonymous]

Why don't the parents go back to work? How can you retire from paid employment when you are in debt and have children to put through school still? They can't be that old if their kids are still in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is really tough.

I'm going to buck what many others on this board might say. I don't believe in obligation. I've seen it become toxic and drown all members of a family.

It's up to you whether you feel like helping your younger sibling with school fees and whether/how much of that is affordable to you. When you were a child, you did not make your parents' financial decisions for them. As a minor you probably did not select the schools you attended, and you might have done equally well/been equally happy at other schools. You were not in control of your parents' income, their interest rates, or the number of children they raised. I also believe that gifts should be exactly that, gifts. Anything given with the expectation of a future return is a business deal or a contract. When your parents gave you the gift of an education, you were too young to enter into a contract to agree to pay for a sibling's education or their retirement.

To the extent that you do want to freely help your family members, it's reasonable to say that you are worried for their retirement as well as your own future financial stability and ability to help your children as they once helped you. As such, you would like to make investments of principle now so as to be better able to meet everyone's needs in the future.

That kind of sounds like "I got mine, F-you". You are free to feel that way, but don't try to spin it as concern for anyone's well-being except your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't the parents go back to work? How can you retire from paid employment when you are in debt and have children to put through school still? They can't be that old if their kids are still in high school.

Op here. My dad is 65 and works but his income isn’t enough to pay for my siblings schools. It’s hard for him to get loans as he already is in so much debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your brother should do all you can to get your siblings an education. That's the best way to help your parents. Then you have can have four well employed siblings helping your parents as they age, instead of just two.

+1

Your family has already come out of rural Indian poverty thanks to them. It is not easy but you need to bring up rest of the family. He went into debt giving you all an education and that is not a waste of money. This is a good debt and now you are in a position to help to pay off this debt.

However, take some lessons from your dad's situation. Do not have more than 1 or 2 offsprings. Live way below your means and save some money for your kids to go to state schools.

+1

Also, for those of you who may not be aware, there are a lot of cultural limitations/expectations in play here.

It's highly likely OP & his brother wouldn't be where he is today if his parents hadn't paid for their education. It's not like his parents spent it on lavish vacations for the family when he was growing up.

Also, he benefited from a culture that tends to support sons, particularly older sons, to the detriment of daughters. Traditionally, like seriously old school traditionally, this means that the eldest brother is responsible for the well being of his parents when they are older as well as any unmarried sisters. That's the only way this resource distribution is even remotely fair.

Finally, his father, as a government employee, may have had mandatory retirement at 60.

My father's parents had passed away before and shortly after he came to the US to study (decades ago). He received help from some Indians who had already immigrated to the US, and then when my father was able to, he paid it forward and supported his younger brothers in their education and coming here to the US.

Provided OP isn't going into debt, OP should help his parents and siblings, and hopefully OP's spouse will understand that.

[Anonymous]

Normally I would say you can just focus on yourself, but in this case, you and your older sibling basically got all of the resources to pull the family up and you need to honor the obligation to pull those other two kids up. And then you all need to take care of your parents. I think this is the only way out of the type of poverty you take from and your parents were doing exactly what they should have for the good of the family. So, give as much as you can.