I’m dying slow painful death of undermining from narcissist mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lower your expectations dude. Granny gives kid sweets, news at 11.

Right like chill out lol

OP, the thing about giving a bunch of sweets and buying precisely what I said not to buy would be a big deal in my house too. I’m on your page.

OP, I get it. Most of these posters have not lived with a truly narcissistic parent. There are different types of narcissistic parents - neglectful, controlling, smothering, etc. A controlling narcissist will invalidate all of your choices and decisions from the time you are born. You are not allowed to grow independently. I have a controlling, narcissistic mother. I had zero say in the clothes I wore, how my room looked, how I wore my hair, etc. Friendships were never encouraged because they were seen as a threat. My hobbies or sports were never supported. I could go on and on. It was a truly awful childhood never being able to express my true self. I wouldn't be surprised if OP grew up the same way. Now he finally has his own life, his own family, his own rules and this woman walks in and completely undermines him, as she has done all of his life in front of his only child. The sole purpose here is for the narcissist Mom to try to win favor with the grandchild through instant gratification. In a normal, loving relationship "granny giving sweets" is not a big deal but when there is a 30+ year history of having your feelings completely disregarded, it's something entirely different. You're damn right he is going to go nuclear. OP, I would go low or no contact with her at least for a period of time and consider therapy. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Just another person here who knows how you feel but has no solution. My MIL is exactly this way. A year ago when she asked about Christmas presents for my 2 children, I asked if she wanted to take them out for a kid's event in lieu of a physical gift since we don't have any more storage space and the kid's birthdays fall right before Christmas so we were set on new stuff. She took them for an event and then sent them in the mail a massive doll house- the kind of thing you need half a closet to store...I was very explicit about having more toys than we could use and not enough storage in our small house and she very clearly disregarded what I said our needs were. That wasn't the first time- its things like that all the time. So I feel sorry for what you are dealing with but I hear you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lower your expectations dude. Granny gives kid sweets, news at 11.

Right like chill out lol

OP, the thing about giving a bunch of sweets and buying precisely what I said not to buy would be a big deal in my house too. I’m on your page.

OP, I get it. Most of these posters have not lived with a truly narcissistic parent. There are different types of narcissistic parents - neglectful, controlling, smothering, etc. A controlling narcissist will invalidate all of your choices and decisions from the time you are born. You are not allowed to grow independently. I have a controlling, narcissistic mother. I had zero say in the clothes I wore, how my room looked, how I wore my hair, etc. Friendships were never encouraged because they were seen as a threat. My hobbies or sports were never supported. I could go on and on. It was a truly awful childhood never being able to express my true self. I wouldn't be surprised if OP grew up the same way. Now he finally has his own life, his own family, his own rules and this woman walks in and completely undermines him, as she has done all of his life in front of his only child. The sole purpose here is for the narcissist Mom to try to win favor with the grandchild through instant gratification. In a normal, loving relationship "granny giving sweets" is not a big deal but when there is a 30+ year history of having your feelings completely disregarded, it's something entirely different. You're damn right he is going to go nuclear. OP, I would go low or no contact with her at least for a period of time and consider therapy. Good luck!

This was exactly the mom I grew up with. 100% .
When I turned 18 I hit the ground running and I’ve pretty much done everything that I have wanted to do. Why dwell on things? I don’t tolerate any BS from her as I’m a grownup now, but I only worry about big things like her criticizing my kids and then I show her the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just another person here who knows how you feel but has no solution. My MIL is exactly this way. A year ago when she asked about Christmas presents for my 2 children, I asked if she wanted to take them out for a kid's event in lieu of a physical gift since we don't have any more storage space and the kid's birthdays fall right before Christmas so we were set on new stuff. She took them for an event and then sent them in the mail a massive doll house- the kind of thing you need half a closet to store...I was very explicit about having more toys than we could use and not enough storage in our small house and she very clearly disregarded what I said our needs were. That wasn't the first time- its things like that all the time. So I feel sorry for what you are dealing with but I hear you!

you are crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, she just sounds annoying. If this is the best example you can come up with her being narcissistic, consider yourself lucky. I know you said that this isn’t about snacks, but you’ll have to give a more compelling example of why this woman cannot see her grandchild. If she were disregarding your rules around wearing seatbelts or maligning your spouse in front of your kid, we’d have something more to discuss.

Limit her visits to a 3 days at a time, twice a year. You’ll be fine and so will your kids.

+1

"Slow, painful death"? A bit dramatic, no? She's annoying. You see her twice a year for a week at most? You'll survive. I agree--when she does this stuff, ask yourself, "So what?" What is the bad thing that will happen? Stop setting up situations where you draw a red line over something stupid, like a snack food. Then she can't undermine you. If it's a safety issue, or she's badmouthing your wife to your kid or something, fine, but this stuff is not worth getting bent out of shape over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You handed her the weapon by telling her what NOT to do. If she has a history of going against your wishes, why do you think she wouldn't have done exactly what she did?

If you were really fine with the announcement that she was going to buy ice cream, you might have said "OK, see you later," not "OK, but first let me put the idea of buying this other thing in your mind, even though I DEFINITELY don't want you to buy it."

This. If you relax about your sacrosanct "boundaries," you take away the impetus for this stuff. Stop telling her what NOT to do, stop acting so uptight about crap that doesn't matter, and you drop the rope. There's nothing to pull against. If she does something genuinely unsafe or dangerous, fine, pull out the big guns. But I bet she just gets a kick out of tweaking your uptight, drama-prone nose. Is that nice of her? No, it is not, and if she were asking for advice, I'd tell her to knock it off. But she isn't, and so the advice to you is to drop the gloves and let some things roll off your back. The next time she does something you'd rather she didn't, don't make a big deal of it. It will throw her for a loop, I guarantee it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if someone heard you ask them not to do something, and then did it anyway? That’s not rude? No one in my family or my in laws would do that. It’s not normal. A lifetime of that would drive me bonkers. Sorry OP!!!

Of course it's rude. But getting so angry about it that you're yelling and "race car red" is not a healthy response. Plus, it's obviously a dynamic--mom does this, and OP goes nuts. If OP stopped going nuts, I bet the dynamic would change. And in any case, you can only change yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I moved from the midwest to DC about 10 years ago. It was a work thing, but one of the hidden gems of the move was to put more distance between me/us and my immediate family. My kid brother is a self entitled a-hole. My mom is a judgmental narcissist. My dad has been dead for years. I’m no peach, but I know my issues and try to manage them to maximize the joy with my wife and kids...and her family is really great. I’m very grateful for my wife’s family...supportive, loving and just very good people.

I’m fishing for ideas here on dealing with my mom and her constant undermining relative to what she does with my 5yo son. Grandma is in town for a few days to see the kids. I was out with my kid early today and he asked for some snack food at the store, I said no since I just bought snacks when my mom arrived two days ago. He took it in stride at the time and it was no big deal.

Fast forward 9 hours, and my mom comes downstairs and announces that she’s leaving to run to the store to get ice cream (not the snack my kid wanted earlier). I walked over to her and looked her in the eyes and told her about the store trip in the am with my son, and advised her not to buy the specific snack. Once she left, I told my son that grandma was not going to buy the snack. My kid says “i know dad, we already have snacks here”.

She comes back and says “i got the ice cream”. I’m fine with that. I take a look, my kid is excited. We hang out for 20 mins or so until I happen to walk back into the kitchen and see a bag of the exact snacks, that I told her not to buy, sitting on the counter.

I go from relaxed to a race car in the red in a few seconds. I asked her why she bought the snacks, and with a straight face she tells me that she just decided to ignore me. She says that she wasn’t even paying attention when I told her.

Before kids, my mom was a problem so this isn’t anything new. Since having kids, my wife and I have maintained geographical distance. We haven’t traveled back for the holidays since having our second kid. My mom insists on seeing the kids on both of their birthdays (and xmas since we have not visited for the last 2 years).

Look, this isn’t really about snacks. It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot when she acts like she runs the show.

The same stuff happened last year and I told her that she would need to address what she’s been doing and work to resolve it with me before she could talk to the kids. She didn’t reach out until April.

What does a person do? Just totally cut ties? The undermining is so destructive to parenting and my kids are still young. I’m almost convinced that it’s more detrimental to have her in my kid’s lives from here on out. If not for the kids, I would have moved on years ago.

As to the first bolded: If "every time" you massively overreact, yell like an idiot, and set more boundaries, and this is happening, then your strategy is not working. Stop getting bent out of shape. Stop yelling like an idiot. Is this how you want to teach your child to react to things? Get some perspective. Everything isn't worth fighting over.

And to the second bolded: No, it isn't. It really isn't. Kids learn very quickly that the rules are different with grandparents. It only undermines your authority if you make it about your authority. Which is dumb. You want to prove that you're a grownup and you're in charge, and you're doing the opposite--demonstrating that you can't even control your own anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I moved from the midwest to DC about 10 years ago. It was a work thing, but one of the hidden gems of the move was to put more distance between me/us and my immediate family. My kid brother is a self entitled a-hole. My mom is a judgmental narcissist. My dad has been dead for years. I’m no peach, but I know my issues and try to manage them to maximize the joy with my wife and kids...and her family is really great. I’m very grateful for my wife’s family...supportive, loving and just very good people.

I’m fishing for ideas here on dealing with my mom and her constant undermining relative to what she does with my 5yo son. Grandma is in town for a few days to see the kids. I was out with my kid early today and he asked for some snack food at the store, I said no since I just bought snacks when my mom arrived two days ago. He took it in stride at the time and it was no big deal.

Fast forward 9 hours, and my mom comes downstairs and announces that she’s leaving to run to the store to get ice cream (not the snack my kid wanted earlier). I walked over to her and looked her in the eyes and told her about the store trip in the am with my son, and advised her not to buy the specific snack. Once she left, I told my son that grandma was not going to buy the snack. My kid says “i know dad, we already have snacks here”.

She comes back and says “i got the ice cream”. I’m fine with that. I take a look, my kid is excited. We hang out for 20 mins or so until I happen to walk back into the kitchen and see a bag of the exact snacks, that I told her not to buy, sitting on the counter.

I go from relaxed to a race car in the red in a few seconds. I asked her why she bought the snacks, and with a straight face she tells me that she just decided to ignore me. She says that she wasn’t even paying attention when I told her.

Before kids, my mom was a problem so this isn’t anything new. Since having kids, my wife and I have maintained geographical distance. We haven’t traveled back for the holidays since having our second kid. My mom insists on seeing the kids on both of their birthdays (and xmas since we have not visited for the last 2 years).

Look, this isn’t really about snacks. It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot when she acts like she runs the show.

The same stuff happened last year and I told her that she would need to address what she’s been doing and work to resolve it with me before she could talk to the kids. She didn’t reach out until April.

What does a person do? Just totally cut ties? The undermining is so destructive to parenting and my kids are still young. I’m almost convinced that it’s more detrimental to have her in my kid’s lives from here on out. If not for the kids, I would have moved on years ago.

As to the first bolded: If "every time" you massively overreact, yell like an idiot, and set more boundaries, and this is happening, then your strategy is not working. Stop getting bent out of shape. Stop yelling like an idiot. Is this how you want to teach your child to react to things? Get some perspective. Everything isn't worth fighting over.

And to the second bolded: No, it isn't. It really isn't. Kids learn very quickly that the rules are different with grandparents. It only undermines your authority if you make it about your authority. Which is dumb. You want to prove that you're a grownup and you're in charge, and you're doing the opposite--demonstrating that you can't even control your own anger.

This is the response of someone who has not dealt with a narcissist parent for thirty years. It is a mental illness. Imagine dealing with a mentally ill parent your entire life. OP, is being decent in that he is even hosting his Mom for visits. However I would agree to try to not to overreact in front of your kid. I would have taken the snacks, hid them in the cabinet and later tossed them in the trash. Later, when kid was out of earshot, I would have told Mom that you disposed of the snacks and she if wants to continue to ignore your rules, she can waste her money. Furthermore, if she continues to ignore you or undermines you in front of your child, she will not be allowed to visit. Also, advise going gray rock as other poster suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I moved from the midwest to DC about 10 years ago. It was a work thing, but one of the hidden gems of the move was to put more distance between me/us and my immediate family. My kid brother is a self entitled a-hole. My mom is a judgmental narcissist. My dad has been dead for years. I’m no peach, but I know my issues and try to manage them to maximize the joy with my wife and kids...and her family is really great. I’m very grateful for my wife’s family...supportive, loving and just very good people.

I’m fishing for ideas here on dealing with my mom and her constant undermining relative to what she does with my 5yo son. Grandma is in town for a few days to see the kids. I was out with my kid early today and he asked for some snack food at the store, I said no since I just bought snacks when my mom arrived two days ago. He took it in stride at the time and it was no big deal.

Fast forward 9 hours, and my mom comes downstairs and announces that she’s leaving to run to the store to get ice cream (not the snack my kid wanted earlier). I walked over to her and looked her in the eyes and told her about the store trip in the am with my son, and advised her not to buy the specific snack. Once she left, I told my son that grandma was not going to buy the snack. My kid says “i know dad, we already have snacks here”.

She comes back and says “i got the ice cream”. I’m fine with that. I take a look, my kid is excited. We hang out for 20 mins or so until I happen to walk back into the kitchen and see a bag of the exact snacks, that I told her not to buy, sitting on the counter.

I go from relaxed to a race car in the red in a few seconds. I asked her why she bought the snacks, and with a straight face she tells me that she just decided to ignore me. She says that she wasn’t even paying attention when I told her.

Before kids, my mom was a problem so this isn’t anything new. Since having kids, my wife and I have maintained geographical distance. We haven’t traveled back for the holidays since having our second kid. My mom insists on seeing the kids on both of their birthdays (and xmas since we have not visited for the last 2 years).

Look, this isn’t really about snacks. It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot when she acts like she runs the show.

The same stuff happened last year and I told her that she would need to address what she’s been doing and work to resolve it with me before she could talk to the kids. She didn’t reach out until April.

What does a person do? Just totally cut ties? The undermining is so destructive to parenting and my kids are still young. I’m almost convinced that it’s more detrimental to have her in my kid’s lives from here on out. If not for the kids, I would have moved on years ago.

As to the first bolded: If "every time" you massively overreact, yell like an idiot, and set more boundaries, and this is happening, then your strategy is not working. Stop getting bent out of shape. Stop yelling like an idiot. Is this how you want to teach your child to react to things? Get some perspective. Everything isn't worth fighting over.

And to the second bolded: No, it isn't. It really isn't. Kids learn very quickly that the rules are different with grandparents. It only undermines your authority if you make it about your authority. Which is dumb. You want to prove that you're a grownup and you're in charge, and you're doing the opposite--demonstrating that you can't even control your own anger.

This is the response of someone who has not dealt with a narcissist parent for thirty years. It is a mental illness. Imagine dealing with a mentally ill parent your entire life. OP, is being decent in that he is even hosting his Mom for visits. However I would agree to try to not to overreact in front of your kid. I would have taken the snacks, hid them in the cabinet and later tossed them in the trash. Later, when kid was out of earshot, I would have told Mom that you disposed of the snacks and she if wants to continue to ignore your rules, she can waste her money. Furthermore, if she continues to ignore you or undermines you in front of your child, she will not be allowed to visit. Also, advise going gray rock as other poster suggested.

you don't seem to be all that mentally healthy either. why are the rules so important to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I moved from the midwest to DC about 10 years ago. It was a work thing, but one of the hidden gems of the move was to put more distance between me/us and my immediate family. My kid brother is a self entitled a-hole. My mom is a judgmental narcissist. My dad has been dead for years. I’m no peach, but I know my issues and try to manage them to maximize the joy with my wife and kids...and her family is really great. I’m very grateful for my wife’s family...supportive, loving and just very good people.

I’m fishing for ideas here on dealing with my mom and her constant undermining relative to what she does with my 5yo son. Grandma is in town for a few days to see the kids. I was out with my kid early today and he asked for some snack food at the store, I said no since I just bought snacks when my mom arrived two days ago. He took it in stride at the time and it was no big deal.

Fast forward 9 hours, and my mom comes downstairs and announces that she’s leaving to run to the store to get ice cream (not the snack my kid wanted earlier). I walked over to her and looked her in the eyes and told her about the store trip in the am with my son, and advised her not to buy the specific snack. Once she left, I told my son that grandma was not going to buy the snack. My kid says “i know dad, we already have snacks here”.

She comes back and says “i got the ice cream”. I’m fine with that. I take a look, my kid is excited. We hang out for 20 mins or so until I happen to walk back into the kitchen and see a bag of the exact snacks, that I told her not to buy, sitting on the counter.

I go from relaxed to a race car in the red in a few seconds. I asked her why she bought the snacks, and with a straight face she tells me that she just decided to ignore me. She says that she wasn’t even paying attention when I told her.

Before kids, my mom was a problem so this isn’t anything new. Since having kids, my wife and I have maintained geographical distance. We haven’t traveled back for the holidays since having our second kid. My mom insists on seeing the kids on both of their birthdays (and xmas since we have not visited for the last 2 years).

Look, this isn’t really about snacks. It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot when she acts like she runs the show.

The same stuff happened last year and I told her that she would need to address what she’s been doing and work to resolve it with me before she could talk to the kids. She didn’t reach out until April.

What does a person do? Just totally cut ties? The undermining is so destructive to parenting and my kids are still young. I’m almost convinced that it’s more detrimental to have her in my kid’s lives from here on out. If not for the kids, I would have moved on years ago.

As to the first bolded: If "every time" you massively overreact, yell like an idiot, and set more boundaries, and this is happening, then your strategy is not working. Stop getting bent out of shape. Stop yelling like an idiot. Is this how you want to teach your child to react to things? Get some perspective. Everything isn't worth fighting over.

And to the second bolded: No, it isn't. It really isn't. Kids learn very quickly that the rules are different with grandparents. It only undermines your authority if you make it about your authority. Which is dumb. You want to prove that you're a grownup and you're in charge, and you're doing the opposite--demonstrating that you can't even control your own anger.

This is the response of someone who has not dealt with a narcissist parent for thirty years. It is a mental illness. Imagine dealing with a mentally ill parent your entire life. OP, is being decent in that he is even hosting his Mom for visits. However I would agree to try to not to overreact in front of your kid. I would have taken the snacks, hid them in the cabinet and later tossed them in the trash. Later, when kid was out of earshot, I would have told Mom that you disposed of the snacks and she if wants to continue to ignore your rules, she can waste her money. Furthermore, if she continues to ignore you or undermines you in front of your child, she will not be allowed to visit. Also, advise going gray rock as other poster suggested.

you don't seem to be all that mentally healthy either. why are the rules so important to you?

It's not about "rules" it is about being RESPECTFUL of someone else's wishes in their own home. If your own child said to you "Mom, please don't do something" and gave you the reasoning behind the request, would you continue to do it for thirty years? That is what it is like dealing with a narcissist parent. Your wishes, your feelings, your choices are completely disregarded. It is totally disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if someone heard you ask them not to do something, and then did it anyway? That’s not rude? No one in my family or my in laws would do that. It’s not normal. A lifetime of that would drive me bonkers. Sorry OP!!!

He has his wife's normal family for comparison, it's not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will give you the same advice I gave another pp with similar story. She is there for a few days, she wants grandson to love her, you sound like a jerk for getting into your moms face about "morning grocery trip." If I had such an a** hole for a son, I'd ignore him too. No, pp with similar parents, not all parents are just like yours. Who the heck forbids grandam to buy some snacks to a grand-kid she rarely sees? You are a jerk, OP, whether you are a man or a women, makes no difference, jerk is a jerk. Proper behavior on your part would have been to allow it in the morning rather than make a big deal about a snack. You sound unhinged. Does a grown man act like this? You called yourself the right name. Here is the thing, it is not a big deal apart from you trying to prove to you mom that you are in charge, which is weird.
It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot when she acts like she runs the show.

NP, but with all due respect, the point has flown wayyy over your head. This has nothing to do with a snack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a perfect relationship with my parents but I want my child to have a good relationship with their grandparents. Your gripe seems kind of petty. This is obviously about your issues with your mother. I get it. The question is are you going to punish your child for them by taking away their grandparent? You have a choice to be the bigger person three times a year. I get it if you lived close by but can’t you suck it up for these visits?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give you the same advice I gave another pp with similar story. She is there for a few days, she wants grandson to love her, you sound like a jerk for getting into your moms face about "morning grocery trip." If I had such an a** hole for a son, I'd ignore him too. No, pp with similar parents, not all parents are just like yours. Who the heck forbids grandam to buy some snacks to a grand-kid she rarely sees? You are a jerk, OP, whether you are a man or a women, makes no difference, jerk is a jerk. Proper behavior on your part would have been to allow it in the morning rather than make a big deal about a snack. You sound unhinged. Does a grown man act like this? You called yourself the right name. Here is the thing, it is not a big deal apart from you trying to prove to you mom that you are in charge, which is weird.
It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot when she acts like she runs the show.

NP, but with all due respect, the point has flown wayyy over your head. This has nothing to do with a snack.

defining minor events as "much bigger than a snack" is where the problem comes from.