I’m dying slow painful death of undermining from narcissist mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother undermined you by wanting to buy ice cream for the household -- because nine hours earlier at a store you told your five year old he couldn't have candy?

Are you the only person who is allowed to have wants, desires, and feelings in your household? Are you constantly spoiling for a fight with everyone?

You sound like an emotional tyrant, a bully, and a baby.

Omg - you said the ‘C’ word! We’re not supposed to say the ‘C’ word, we’re supposed to say ‘the snack’ . Get it right!

[Anonymous]

You handed her the weapon by telling her what NOT to do. If she has a history of going against your wishes, why do you think she wouldn't have done exactly what she did?

If you were really fine with the announcement that she was going to buy ice cream, you might have said "OK, see you later," not "OK, but first let me put the idea of buying this other thing in your mind, even though I DEFINITELY don't want you to buy it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You handed her the weapon by telling her what NOT to do. If she has a history of going against your wishes, why do you think she wouldn't have done exactly what she did?

If you were really fine with the announcement that she was going to buy ice cream, you might have said "OK, see you later," not "OK, but first let me put the idea of buying this other thing in your mind, even though I DEFINITELY don't want you to buy it."

Next time, OP, tell your son that he can’t have broccoli. And potatoes. Then let mommy go shopping.

[Anonymous]

If you haven’t lived with a parent who has invalidated every aspect of your existence for your entire life, you really vannot understand how damaging it is.

OP, go to reddit, make a fake account, and post in an appropriate sub there.

The people here don’t want to help, they just want to use your story as a canvas to discuss their own frustrations they believe are oh so much worse because they don’t have a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother undermined you by wanting to buy ice cream for the household -- because nine hours earlier at a store you told your five year old he couldn't have candy?

Are you the only person who is allowed to have wants, desires, and feelings in your household? Are you constantly spoiling for a fight with everyone?

You sound like an emotional tyrant, a bully, and a baby.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I moved from the midwest to DC about 10 years ago. It was a work thing, but one of the hidden gems of the move was to put more distance between me/us and my immediate family. My kid brother is a self entitled a-hole. My mom is a judgmental narcissist. My dad has been dead for years. I’m no peach, but I know my issues and try to manage them to maximize the joy with my wife and kids...and her family is really great. I’m very grateful for my wife’s family...supportive, loving and just very good people.

I’m fishing for ideas here on dealing with my mom and her constant undermining relative to what she does with my 5yo son. Grandma is in town for a few days to see the kids. I was out with my kid early today and he asked for some snack food at the store, I said no since I just bought snacks when my mom arrived two days ago. He took it in stride at the time and it was no big deal.

Fast forward 9 hours, and my mom comes downstairs and announces that she’s leaving to run to the store to get ice cream (not the snack my kid wanted earlier). I walked over to her and looked her in the eyes and told her about the store trip in the am with my son, and advised her not to buy the specific snack. Once she left, I told my son that grandma was not going to buy the snack. My kid says “i know dad, we already have snacks here”.

She comes back and says “i got the ice cream”. I’m fine with that. I take a look, my kid is excited. We hang out for 20 mins or so until I happen to walk back into the kitchen and see a bag of the exact snacks, that I told her not to buy, sitting on the counter.

I go from relaxed to a race car in the red in a few seconds. I asked her why she bought the snacks, and with a straight face she tells me that she just decided to ignore me. She says that she wasn’t even paying attention when I told her.

Before kids, my mom was a problem so this isn’t anything new. Since having kids, my wife and I have maintained geographical distance. We haven’t traveled back for the holidays since having our second kid. My mom insists on seeing the kids on both of their birthdays (and xmas since we have not visited for the last 2 years).

Look, this isn’t really about snacks. It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot when she acts like she runs the show.

The same stuff happened last year and I told her that she would need to address what she’s been doing and work to resolve it with me before she could talk to the kids. She didn’t reach out until April.

What does a person do? Just totally cut ties? The undermining is so destructive to parenting and my kids are still young. I’m almost convinced that it’s more detrimental to have her in my kid’s lives from here on out. If not for the kids, I would have moved on years ago.

you sound abusive. your son parroting back the line you wanted to hear is sad. seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet another baffling example of an armchair diagnosis of NPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think PPs are being way too harsh on the OP. Read the post. It’s not about the snacks. It sounds like this is merely the latest example of OP’s mother doing what she wants to do and disregarding her son. OP said it’s been 20 years of similar things - and OP’s kid is only 5 - so obviously this goes well beyond a grandma who simply wants to spoil her grandkid.

So it is fine for him to "get into her face" before she did a grocery store run and tell her how things are? And then to scream like an "idiot"(his words) when she disobeyed? I thought there is no excuse for abuse, but apparently because mom was disobedient and "did wrong" it is ok to emotionally abuse her?

[Anonymous]

OP, do you buy your wife's clothes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you haven’t lived with a parent who has invalidated every aspect of your existence for your entire life, you really vannot understand how damaging it is.

OP, go to reddit, make a fake account, and post in an appropriate sub there.

The people here don’t want to help, they just want to use your story as a canvas to discuss their own frustrations they believe are oh so much worse because they don’t have a clue.

Fine, I'll try to help. OP, you know how your mother undermined you your whole life? And she is a narcissist? Congrats, you are now your mother, you undermined her and you emotionally abused her just now. And all that before you yelled at her for buying a snack. Seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you haven’t lived with a parent who has invalidated every aspect of your existence for your entire life, you really vannot understand how damaging it is.

OP, go to reddit, make a fake account, and post in an appropriate sub there.

The people here don’t want to help, they just want to use your story as a canvas to discuss their own frustrations they believe are oh so much worse because they don’t have a clue.

Fine, I'll try to help. OP, you know how your mother undermined you your whole life? And she is a narcissist? Congrats, you are now your mother, you undermined her and you emotionally abused her just now. And all that before you yelled at her for buying a snack. Seek help.

NP. You need better reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

She was going to get ice cream and you instructed her not to buy X snack - you set yourself and your mom up for this scenario. If you hadn’t mentioned anything, she wouldn’t have bought it, right?

She is who she is; you know she’s a toxic narcissist. She will never, ever change. You either learn to lower your expectations and not internalize her behavior, or you limit/eliminate contact, or set other boundaries around your interactions with her.

You can feel good knowing that you are making every effort to create a much healthier life with your own family. You are breaking the cycle. I know it’s so maddening, because your mom probably has an almost supernatural ability to know and push your buttons, and it’s a well-worn dynamic that you are having a hard time stepping out of. But you can only control yourself, and your reaction; you can’t exoect anything different from your mom, ever.

[Anonymous]

As someone who also deals with a narcissist mother who undermines her, I totally understand, OP, and think some PPs are being way, way too harsh. It's not about the crap she bought at the store. It's that she totally ignored him -- AGAIN -- and did something to undermine his authority in front of his kids. This was just the latest example and it was a trigger for him. My mom, who used to live with us half the year, did the same thing routinely with my DD and it's one of the main reasons why she no longer lives with us.

If OP is still reading this thread (which I kinda doubt given he's gotten the full DCUM treatment), I'd just suggest trying to ignore her and give yourself a timeout (out of the house) the next time she does it. Because she will keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She was going to get ice cream and you instructed her not to buy X snack - you set yourself and your mom up for this scenario. If you hadn’t mentioned anything, she wouldn’t have bought it, right?

She is who she is; you know she’s a toxic narcissist. She will never, ever change. You either learn to lower your expectations and not internalize her behavior, or you limit/eliminate contact, or set other boundaries around your interactions with her.

You can feel good knowing that you are making every effort to create a much healthier life with your own family. You are breaking the cycle. I know it’s so maddening, because your mom probably has an almost supernatural ability to know and push your buttons, and it’s a well-worn dynamic that you are having a hard time stepping out of. But you can only control yourself, and your reaction; you can’t exoect anything different from your mom, ever.

making scenes over snacks sure sounds like a healthy environment!

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like a lot of people here don’t understand the level of undermining that you’ve been dealing with and they’re getting hung up on the fact that this instance involved a snack, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal by itself. Maybe you could give some more context as to what’s happened over the 20 years this has been going on and why you think she’s a narcissist. It sounds like it’s been really frustrating for you for a long time but the example you gave obviously has some underlying context otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten so angry.

What does your DW say about al of this?