I’m dying slow painful death of undermining from narcissist mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another baffling example of an armchair diagnosis of NPD.

Yes, when ‘annoying witch from hell’ will do just fine and is quite prevalent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who also deals with a narcissist mother who undermines her, I totally understand, OP, and think some PPs are being way, way too harsh. It's not about the crap she bought at the store. It's that she totally ignored him -- AGAIN -- and did something to undermine his authority in front of his kids. This was just the latest example and it was a trigger for him. My mom, who used to live with us half the year, did the same thing routinely with my DD and it's one of the main reasons why she no longer lives with us.

If OP is still reading this thread (which I kinda doubt given he's gotten the full DCUM treatment), I'd just suggest trying to ignore her and give yourself a timeout (out of the house) the next time she does it. Because she will keep doing it.

for control freaks like OP things are always about something much much bigger than what they are. everything must be done exactly as they want it, and every deviation from the rule is the end of the world. OP is seriously disturbed.

[Anonymous]

Narcissists feed off of attention and engagement. If she buys the snack and you blow up at her, it’s attention and engagement. THe one and only way to deal with it is to simply disengage.

If she bought the snack, say nothing. Put it away to throw it away. Say nothing. No emotion. Make it so that you are the most boring person to be around. She’ll slink away and find another source of emotion.

Look up “gray rock” and read about it.It’s the only way to maintain your sanity and deal with the narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like a lot of people here don’t understand the level of undermining that you’ve been dealing with and they’re getting hung up on the fact that this instance involved a snack, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal by itself. Maybe you could give some more context as to what’s happened over the 20 years this has been going on and why you think she’s a narcissist. It sounds like it’s been really frustrating for you for a long time but the example you gave obviously has some underlying context otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten so angry.

What does your DW say about al of this?

There’s no ‘level of undermining’ because it’s a short visit and then she’s gone. It’s not worth getting that upset about.
It does sound like OP controls every step and thought that his kid has and that’s every day, so honestly he should get help for that as it will cause his son stress and possibly lead to lifelong mental disorders and we know that he doesn’t want that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissists feed off of attention and engagement. If she buys the snack and you blow up at her, it’s attention and engagement. THe one and only way to deal with it is to simply disengage.

If she bought the snack, say nothing. Put it away to throw it away. Say nothing. No emotion. Make it so that you are the most boring person to be around. She’ll slink away and find another source of emotion.

Look up “gray rock” and read about it.It’s the only way to maintain your sanity and deal with the narcissism.

Oh for gosh same just eat the candy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like a lot of people here don’t understand the level of undermining that you’ve been dealing with and they’re getting hung up on the fact that this instance involved a snack, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal by itself. Maybe you could give some more context as to what’s happened over the 20 years this has been going on and why you think she’s a narcissist. It sounds like it’s been really frustrating for you for a long time but the example you gave obviously has some underlying context otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten so angry.

What does your DW say about al of this?

There’s no ‘level of undermining’ because it’s a short visit and then she’s gone. It’s not worth getting that upset about.
It does sound like OP controls every step and thought that his kid has and that’s every day, so honestly he should get help for that as it will cause his son stress and possibly lead to lifelong mental disorders and we know that he doesn’t want that.

PP here. It doesn’t sound like this is the only instance of something like this happening, though. And if anyone is trying to control the situation, sounds like the mother is by purposely going against what her son asked her to do. Again.

Anyone saying that this is totally normal is full of it. If their parent - or even better, an in law - repeatedly acted this way, they wouldn’t be so quick to brush it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like a lot of people here don’t understand the level of undermining that you’ve been dealing with and they’re getting hung up on the fact that this instance involved a snack, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal by itself. Maybe you could give some more context as to what’s happened over the 20 years this has been going on and why you think she’s a narcissist. It sounds like it’s been really frustrating for you for a long time but the example you gave obviously has some underlying context otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten so angry.

What does your DW say about al of this?

There’s no ‘level of undermining’ because it’s a short visit and then she’s gone. It’s not worth getting that upset about.
It does sound like OP controls every step and thought that his kid has and that’s every day, so honestly he should get help for that as it will cause his son stress and possibly lead to lifelong mental disorders and we know that he doesn’t want that.

PP here. It doesn’t sound like this is the only instance of something like this happening, though. And if anyone is trying to control the situation, sounds like the mother is by purposely going against what her son asked her to do. Again.

Anyone saying that this is totally normal is full of it. If their parent - or even better, an in law - repeatedly acted this way, they wouldn’t be so quick to brush it off.

even if there are 1000 instances like this they are all minor instances. OP clearly has an anger problem and is overly controlling. he blows these things out of any proportion. i shudder to think how his wife and children live.

[Anonymous]

Substitute mom with wife and let see what comments you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like a lot of people here don’t understand the level of undermining that you’ve been dealing with and they’re getting hung up on the fact that this instance involved a snack, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal by itself. Maybe you could give some more context as to what’s happened over the 20 years this has been going on and why you think she’s a narcissist. It sounds like it’s been really frustrating for you for a long time but the example you gave obviously has some underlying context otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten so angry.

What does your DW say about al of this?

There’s no ‘level of undermining’ because it’s a short visit and then she’s gone. It’s not worth getting that upset about.
It does sound like OP controls every step and thought that his kid has and that’s every day, so honestly he should get help for that as it will cause his son stress and possibly lead to lifelong mental disorders and we know that he doesn’t want that.

PP here. It doesn’t sound like this is the only instance of something like this happening, though. And if anyone is trying to control the situation, sounds like the mother is by purposely going against what her son asked her to do. Again.

Anyone saying that this is totally normal is full of it. If their parent - or even better, an in law - repeatedly acted this way, they wouldn’t be so quick to brush it off.

even if there are 1000 instances like this they are all minor instances. OP clearly has an anger problem and is overly controlling. he blows these things out of any proportion. i shudder to think how his wife and children live.

We don’t know how minor they are. In fact, I’m willing to bet that previous instances aren’t minor given how much of a trigger this was for OP. You are making a lot of assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like a lot of people here don’t understand the level of undermining that you’ve been dealing with and they’re getting hung up on the fact that this instance involved a snack, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal by itself. Maybe you could give some more context as to what’s happened over the 20 years this has been going on and why you think she’s a narcissist. It sounds like it’s been really frustrating for you for a long time but the example you gave obviously has some underlying context otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten so angry.

What does your DW say about al of this?

There’s no ‘level of undermining’ because it’s a short visit and then she’s gone. It’s not worth getting that upset about.
It does sound like OP controls every step and thought that his kid has and that’s every day, so honestly he should get help for that as it will cause his son stress and possibly lead to lifelong mental disorders and we know that he doesn’t want that.

PP here. It doesn’t sound like this is the only instance of something like this happening, though. And if anyone is trying to control the situation, sounds like the mother is by purposely going against what her son asked her to do. Again.

Anyone saying that this is totally normal is full of it. If their parent - or even better, an in law - repeatedly acted this way, they wouldn’t be so quick to brush it off.

even if there are 1000 instances like this they are all minor instances. OP clearly has an anger problem and is overly controlling. he blows these things out of any proportion. i shudder to think how his wife and children live.

We don’t know how minor they are. In fact, I’m willing to bet that previous instances aren’t minor given how much of a trigger this was for OP. You are making a lot of assumptions.

well OP chose to share this examples that made him go "from relaxed to race car red" within few seconds. if that's not a major anger problem (at the very least) then i don't know what is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like a lot of people here don’t understand the level of undermining that you’ve been dealing with and they’re getting hung up on the fact that this instance involved a snack, which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal by itself. Maybe you could give some more context as to what’s happened over the 20 years this has been going on and why you think she’s a narcissist. It sounds like it’s been really frustrating for you for a long time but the example you gave obviously has some underlying context otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten so angry.

What does your DW say about al of this?

There’s no ‘level of undermining’ because it’s a short visit and then she’s gone. It’s not worth getting that upset about.
It does sound like OP controls every step and thought that his kid has and that’s every day, so honestly he should get help for that as it will cause his son stress and possibly lead to lifelong mental disorders and we know that he doesn’t want that.

PP here. It doesn’t sound like this is the only instance of something like this happening, though. And if anyone is trying to control the situation, sounds like the mother is by purposely going against what her son asked her to do. Again.

Anyone saying that this is totally normal is full of it. If their parent - or even better, an in law - repeatedly acted this way, they wouldn’t be so quick to brush it off.

even if there are 1000 instances like this they are all minor instances. OP clearly has an anger problem and is overly controlling. he blows these things out of any proportion. i shudder to think how his wife and children live.

We don’t know how minor they are. In fact, I’m willing to bet that previous instances aren’t minor given how much of a trigger this was for OP. You are making a lot of assumptions.

well OP chose to share this examples that made him go "from relaxed to race car red" within few seconds. if that's not a major anger problem (at the very least) then i don't know what is.

So OP’s mistake lies in the one example that he chose to share. And you’re drawing conclusions based on that. My point was that I think we need more info but you clearly think you have all the info needed to make an armchair diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

She’s pressing the same buttons she has always pressed. I didn’t read all 4 pages, but have you been to therapy, OP? You can limit contact even more, and try to deal with the feelings that come up when she completely disregards your feelings and decisions. She won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I moved from the midwest to DC about 10 years ago. It was a work thing, but one of the hidden gems of the move was to put more distance between me/us and my immediate family. My kid brother is a self entitled a-hole. My mom is a judgmental narcissist. My dad has been dead for years. I’m no peach, but I know my issues and try to manage them to maximize the joy with my wife and kids...and her family is really great. I’m very grateful for my wife’s family...supportive, loving and just very good people.

I’m fishing for ideas here on dealing with my mom and her constant undermining relative to what she does with my 5yo son. Grandma is in town for a few days to see the kids. I was out with my kid early today and he asked for some snack food at the store, I said no since I just bought snacks when my mom arrived two days ago. He took it in stride at the time and it was no big deal.

Fast forward 9 hours, and my mom comes downstairs and announces that she’s leaving to run to the store to get ice cream (not the snack my kid wanted earlier). I walked over to her and looked her in the eyes and told her about the store trip in the am with my son, and advised her not to buy the specific snack. Once she left, I told my son that grandma was not going to buy the snack. My kid says “i know dad, we already have snacks here”.

She comes back and says “i got the ice cream”. I’m fine with that. I take a look, my kid is excited. We hang out for 20 mins or so until I happen to walk back into the kitchen and see a bag of the exact snacks, that I told her not to buy, sitting on the counter.

I go from relaxed to a race car in the red in a few seconds. I asked her why she bought the snacks, and with a straight face she tells me that she just decided to ignore me. She says that she wasn’t even paying attention when I told her.

Before kids, my mom was a problem so this isn’t anything new. Since having kids, my wife and I have maintained geographical distance. We haven’t traveled back for the holidays since having our second kid. My mom insists on seeing the kids on both of their birthdays (and xmas since we have not visited for the last 2 years).

Look, this isn’t really about snacks. It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot when she acts like she runs the show.

The same stuff happened last year and I told her that she would need to address what she’s been doing and work to resolve it with me before she could talk to the kids. She didn’t reach out until April.

What does a person do? Just totally cut ties? The undermining is so destructive to parenting and my kids are still young. I’m almost convinced that it’s more detrimental to have her in my kid’s lives from here on out. If not for the kids, I would have moved on years ago.

you sound abusive. your son parroting back the line you wanted to hear is sad. seek help.

This.

You sound like a drama queen and your mom has learned to ignore your theatrics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Substitute mom with wife and let see what comments you get.

OP doesn’t need to make parenting decisions with his own mother. That is the job of the child’s mother and father.

[Anonymous]

My mom likes to undermine me- but its more about my looks and abilities. Fun times.

You need to pick your battles, man. I say something to my mom when it emotionally hurts my kids or is a safety issue. The rest I ignore/grey rock. The more you confront her the more if feeds into her drama.

You have to learn to chuckle at their foolishness and not let it wind you up so much.