I’m dying slow painful death of undermining from narcissist mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I moved from the midwest to DC about 10 years ago. It was a work thing, but one of the hidden gems of the move was to put more distance between me/us and my immediate family. My kid brother is a self entitled a-hole. My mom is a judgmental narcissist. My dad has been dead for years. I’m no peach, but I know my issues and try to manage them to maximize the joy with my wife and kids...and her family is really great. I’m very grateful for my wife’s family...supportive, loving and just very good people.

....

What does a person do? Just totally cut ties? The undermining is so destructive to parenting and my kids are still young. I’m almost convinced that it’s more detrimental to have her in my kid’s lives from here on out. If not for the kids, I would have moved on years ago.

As to the first bolded: If "every time" you massively overreact, yell like an idiot, and set more boundaries, and this is happening, then your strategy is not working. Stop getting bent out of shape. Stop yelling like an idiot. Is this how you want to teach your child to react to things? Get some perspective. Everything isn't worth fighting over.

And to the second bolded: No, it isn't. It really isn't. Kids learn very quickly that the rules are different with grandparents. It only undermines your authority if you make it about your authority. Which is dumb. You want to prove that you're a grownup and you're in charge, and you're doing the opposite--demonstrating that you can't even control your own anger.

This is the response of someone who has not dealt with a narcissist parent for thirty years. It is a mental illness. Imagine dealing with a mentally ill parent your entire life. OP, is being decent in that he is even hosting his Mom for visits. However I would agree to try to not to overreact in front of your kid. I would have taken the snacks, hid them in the cabinet and later tossed them in the trash. Later, when kid was out of earshot, I would have told Mom that you disposed of the snacks and she if wants to continue to ignore your rules, she can waste her money. Furthermore, if she continues to ignore you or undermines you in front of your child, she will not be allowed to visit. Also, advise going gray rock as other poster suggested.

you don't seem to be all that mentally healthy either. why are the rules so important to you?

It's not about "rules" it is about being RESPECTFUL of someone else's wishes in their own home. If your own child said to you "Mom, please don't do something" and gave you the reasoning behind the request, would you continue to do it for thirty years? That is what it is like dealing with a narcissist parent. Your wishes, your feelings, your choices are completely disregarded. It is totally disrespectful.

Exactly. People who grew up in a home where the parent wasn't suffering from a significant behavioral issue like narcissism have no idea what it is like and the trauma it can do to people. Reasonable behavior only works with people who are reasonable. If the guy's mother can't treat him like an adult and respect and support him, then she should not expect that he allow her into his life. It's really about her need to control and need to be center of attention. My only advice to OP is to say - don't let her control your emotions. Grey rock helps manage things if you only see her rarely.