I’m dying slow painful death of undermining from narcissist mother

[Anonymous]

My wife and I moved from the midwest to DC about 10 years ago. It was a work thing, but one of the hidden gems of the move was to put more distance between me/us and my immediate family. My kid brother is a self entitled a-hole. My mom is a judgmental narcissist. My dad has been dead for years. I’m no peach, but I know my issues and try to manage them to maximize the joy with my wife and kids...and her family is really great. I’m very grateful for my wife’s family...supportive, loving and just very good people.

I’m fishing for ideas here on dealing with my mom and her constant undermining relative to what she does with my 5yo son. Grandma is in town for a few days to see the kids. I was out with my kid early today and he asked for some snack food at the store, I said no since I just bought snacks when my mom arrived two days ago. He took it in stride at the time and it was no big deal.

Fast forward 9 hours, and my mom comes downstairs and announces that she’s leaving to run to the store to get ice cream (not the snack my kid wanted earlier). I walked over to her and looked her in the eyes and told her about the store trip in the am with my son, and advised her not to buy the specific snack. Once she left, I told my son that grandma was not going to buy the snack. My kid says “i know dad, we already have snacks here”.

She comes back and says “i got the ice cream”. I’m fine with that. I take a look, my kid is excited. We hang out for 20 mins or so until I happen to walk back into the kitchen and see a bag of the exact snacks, that I told her not to buy, sitting on the counter.

I go from relaxed to a race car in the red in a few seconds. I asked her why she bought the snacks, and with a straight face she tells me that she just decided to ignore me. She says that she wasn’t even paying attention when I told her.

Before kids, my mom was a problem so this isn’t anything new. Since having kids, my wife and I have maintained geographical distance. We haven’t traveled back for the holidays since having our second kid. My mom insists on seeing the kids on both of their birthdays (and xmas since we have not visited for the last 2 years).

Look, this isn’t really about snacks. It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot when she acts like she runs the show.

The same stuff happened last year and I told her that she would need to address what she’s been doing and work to resolve it with me before she could talk to the kids. She didn’t reach out until April.

What does a person do? Just totally cut ties? The undermining is so destructive to parenting and my kids are still young. I’m almost convinced that it’s more detrimental to have her in my kid’s lives from here on out. If not for the kids, I would have moved on years ago.

[Anonymous]

Give yourself--and her--a 6-month break to see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, she just sounds annoying. If this is the best example you can come up with her being narcissistic, consider yourself lucky. I know you said that this isn’t about snacks, but you’ll have to give a more compelling example of why this woman cannot see her grandchild. If she were disregarding your rules around wearing seatbelts or maligning your spouse in front of your kid, we’d have something more to discuss.

Limit her visits to a 3 days at a time, twice a year. You’ll be fine and so will your kids.

[Anonymous]

Lower your expectations dude. Granny gives kid sweets, news at 11.

[Anonymous]

Switch to video chat visits.

[Anonymous]

I know the feeling. My mom does the same shit. Constant seemingly little stuff that is always rooted in control and dismissal of how I feel.

Folks just don’t get it unless they live with it in their lives.

It’s a shitty feeling. My mom let my 3 year old use a paper shredder once because she didn’t see the harm. Told me I was overreacting when I flipped out on her.

Haven’t left my child alone with her since

[Anonymous]

You’re making this too hard.

If you find a snack you told her not to buy in the kitchen, then you toss it in the trash bin. If she asks about it later you say “Huh? What?” Act confused. You also didn’t hear her - just like she didn’t hear you.

As for your children, they need to learn that everything has to be run by you or your wife first. Going along with grandma will lead to loss of privileges later. Grandma has zero authority in your house. If your children are in elementary school loss of privileges happen after grandma leaves so she doesn’t get the satisfaction of seeing the friction in your family. Your kids will figure it out very fast.

[Anonymous]

Been there. She won’t change. You either let it go or limit their interactions more.

It’s not about snacks. It’s about the million other things she did before the snacks, and that’s the final straw. I get it. One time when we visited, my parents begged to keep the kids while I went out to lunch with a friend. I said ok but they need their nap. (I was going to have to cut the lunch short for nap time.) She said ok, of course. I came back a few hours later to 2 crying children and my mother acting like she’d never seen children so poorly behaved. I asked about the nap and she said she’s the grandma and she doesn’t have to give naps if she wants to play with her grandchildren. That one instance wasn’t a huge deal, but it happened every time she made a decision. It really felt like every time my mother had to make a choice, she’d choose whatever was either the most indulgent for the children (regardless of their wellbeing) or the choice that would be opposite my parenting philosophy. Bonus if she could achieve both.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a woman!

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a perfect relationship with my parents but I want my child to have a good relationship with their grandparents. Your gripe seems kind of petty. This is obviously about your issues with your mother. I get it. The question is are you going to punish your child for them by taking away their grandparent? You have a choice to be the bigger person three times a year. I get it if you lived close by but can’t you suck it up for these visits?

[Anonymous]

I have a crazy mother. I've already had a trial 6 months cut-off that resulted in her being a lot more circumspect around me. My doctor husband treats her like a mental patient.

The question I ask myself is this:
"So what?"

She says and does plenty of petty, mean-spirited things. I think "So what? Are we going to die from this? Is anyone going to be gravely traumatized? No, move on, she's sick in mind and body."

The time she did say and do something completely out of bounds, we had the 6 month no-contact period. She learned from that episode.

[Anonymous]

My mother is a screw turning pure evil shrew. If she went out and bought some snacks - and didn’t hand me a bill for them - I’d be dancing a jig.
You sound uptight. Your mom is only visiting and will go home soon. Suspend all of your rules and expectations and chill out and just wait for her to go home.

[Anonymous]

“Then you won’t be insulted when I decide to ignore you or not listen when you are talking.”

[Anonymous]

People who think this is about the snacks have no experience having a parent like this. I often describe my relationship with my mother as death by a thousand paper cuts. It feels like torture.
Honestly, I feel like my mother excels at manipulating in a way where on the outside everyone else will think she is doing nothing wrong or just something so minor there is no reason to be upset but she and I both know exactly what is going on. Sure it looks fine to someone else, but I just had that exact conversation with you about X and you intentionally did Y. She looks like the victim (a role she LOVES) and I look like the uptight bitch overreacting about something so minor. She often treats me much differently when there isn't anyone else around. It feels safer to have an audience now.

I have over the years created more and more boundaries with her. At this point, I don't even know why I leave anything open anymore. Cutting it off completely seems so cold and final but keeping it like it is feels like torture. I would love to find a way to not let it bother me, not let the little things upset me but it's hard when it's your own mother.

I feel like the only reason I have completely cut ties is because of my father. Although, he sticks by her side and almost never speaks to me so is there really a difference?

You mentioned you have created more boundaries but maybe another boundary needs to be that she doesn't stay in your home on visits or that she doesn't come to your home at all. It limits her ability to undermine your parenting if you always meet up at the zoo, a playground or a restaurant. It also gives you an easy way to end the visit when she doesn't respect you.

[Anonymous]

I will give you the same advice I gave another pp with similar story. She is there for a few days, she wants grandson to love her, you sound like a jerk for getting into your moms face about "morning grocery trip." If I had such an a** hole for a son, I'd ignore him too. No, pp with similar parents, not all parents are just like yours. Who the heck forbids grandam to buy some snacks to a grand-kid she rarely sees? You are a jerk, OP, whether you are a man or a women, makes no difference, jerk is a jerk. Proper behavior on your part would have been to allow it in the morning rather than make a big deal about a snack. You sound unhinged. Does a grown man act like this? You called yourself the right name. Here is the thing, it is not a big deal apart from you trying to prove to you mom that you are in charge, which is weird.
It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot when she acts like she runs the show.