Reply to I’m dying slow painful death of undermining from narcissist mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My wife and I moved from the midwest to DC about 10 years ago. It was a work thing, but one of the hidden gems of the move was to put more distance between me/us and my immediate family. My kid brother is a self entitled a-hole. My mom is a judgmental narcissist. My dad has been dead for years. I’m no peach, but I know my issues and try to manage them to maximize the joy with  my wife and kids...and her family is really great. I’m very grateful for my wife’s family...supportive, loving and just very good people.

I’m fishing for ideas here on dealing with my mom and her constant undermining relative to what she does with my 5yo son. Grandma is in town for a few days to see the kids. I was out with my kid early today and he asked for some snack food at the store, I said no since I just bought snacks when my mom arrived two days ago. He took it in stride at the time and it was no big deal.

Fast forward 9 hours, and my mom comes downstairs and announces that she’s leaving to run to the store to get ice cream (not the snack my kid wanted earlier). I walked over to her and looked her in the eyes and told her about the store trip in the am with my son, and advised her not to buy the specific snack. Once she left, I told my son that grandma was not going to buy the snack. My kid says “i know dad, we already have snacks here”.

She comes back and says “i got the ice cream”. I’m fine with that. I take a look, my kid is excited. We hang out for 20 mins or so until I happen to walk back into the kitchen and see a bag of the exact snacks, that I told her not to buy, sitting on the counter.

I go from relaxed to a race car in the red in a few seconds. I asked her why she bought the snacks, and with a straight face she tells me that she just decided to ignore me.  She says that she wasn’t even paying attention when I told her.

Before kids, my mom was a problem so this isn’t anything new. Since having kids, my wife and I have maintained geographical distance. We haven’t traveled back for the holidays since having our second kid.  My mom insists on seeing the kids on both of their birthdays (and xmas since we have not visited for the last 2 years).

Look, this isn’t really about snacks. It’s been about a hundred different things over the years. [b]And every time I get massively bent out of shape and she acts like it’s no big deal. It usually devolves into me setting more boundaries after yelling like an idiot[/b] when she acts like she runs the show.

The same stuff happened last year and I told her that she would need to address what she’s been doing and work to resolve it with me before she could talk to the kids. She didn’t reach out until April.

What does a person do?  Just totally cut ties?  [b]The undermining is so destructive to parenting[/b] and my kids are still young. I’m almost convinced that it’s more detrimental to have her in my kid’s lives from here on out. If not for the kids, I would have moved on years ago.

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As to the first bolded: If "every time" you massively overreact, yell like an idiot, and set more boundaries, and this is happening, then your strategy is not working.  Stop getting bent out of shape.  Stop yelling like an idiot.  Is this how you want to teach your child to react to things?  Get some perspective.  Everything isn't worth fighting over.

And to the second bolded: No, it isn't.  It really isn't.  Kids learn very quickly that the rules are different with grandparents.  It only undermines your authority if you make it about your authority.  Which is dumb.  You want to prove that you're a grownup and you're in charge, and you're doing the opposite--demonstrating that you can't even control your own anger.   [/quote]

This is the response of someone who has not dealt with a narcissist parent for thirty years. It is a mental illness. Imagine dealing with a mentally ill parent your entire life. OP, is being decent in that he is even hosting his Mom for visits. However I would agree to try to not to overreact in front of your kid. I would have taken the snacks, hid them in the cabinet and later tossed them in the trash. Later, when kid was out of earshot, I would have told Mom that you disposed of the snacks and she if wants to continue to ignore your rules, she can waste her money. Furthermore, if she continues to ignore you or undermines you in front of your child, she will not be allowed to visit. Also, advise going gray rock as other poster suggested. [/quote]

you don't seem to be all that mentally healthy either. why are the rules so important to you?[/quote]

It's not about "rules" it is about being RESPECTFUL of someone else's wishes in their own home. If your own child said to you "Mom, please don't do something" and gave you the reasoning behind the request, would you continue to do it for thirty years? That is what it is like dealing with a narcissist parent. Your wishes, your feelings, your choices are completely disregarded. It is totally disrespectful. [/quote]

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