How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet another? But here, I'll answer honestly.
I worked on and off through the years, and SAH through the years. We have 2 SN kids who had great periods and than very challenging periods. I don't feel guilty at all, zero, minus one. As we moved a lot, kids had to have a stability at home. My parents are in Europe, DH only has a dad,(also in far away state no matter where we moved) mom passed away long ago. Without me staying home, my kids wouldn't have had learning support and constant emotional and loving support I provided. I am happy to report that both are older teens, and while they still have some learning and behavioral issues, they have achieved academically and behaviorally things that their doctors deemed impossible. And I would have done it even if my kids were not SN, most likely. Kids need stability, our moving lifestyle made it often a necessity. I was raised by my grandma, while my parents worked. Yes, in Europe, I am a deviant for my country's standard where mom and all my aunts worked. Where all my female cousins earn more than their DHs and work full time. All of them also had/have their mom and MIL provide that constant care for all of their kids, just like my grandma did with me and my cousins. There is not right and wrong, none of us cousins or my nieces and nephews went to a daycare, and my kids did go to preschool more when I worked. DD loved her preschool, DS was miserable and developed selective mutism. So, yes, I don't' feel guilty at all, and my DH was and is the one who knows how hard it was for me(and for him) that I stayed at home. He knows I like working and that I gave up a lot to be at home as much as I was.

+1000

My kids have ADHD and one also had anxiety and depression. I quit working a few years ago because it was clear they needed more support. Also our parents are aging and not doing well. There is a huge difference between being off work for a week vs being a stay at home parent.

WHen my kids ate in school, I’m busy being out cleaning crew, scheduling appointments, running errands for DH, planning meals, shopping for the groceries or other items someone on the family needs. I go to the library to find books for the kids, plan activities that will be good for them from both an educational and social-emotional level.

When the kids get home (the time passes quickly while they are at school), I make sure they get homework done, and often have to deal with emotions about something that was upsetting at school. Or taking one to see a therapist.

I’ve done both d being a SAHM is a lot harder on many ways. Your job is 24-7, and often your spouse or kids don’t show you their appreciation. I don’t get a lot of time with other foreign ups. My DH has a job that he enjoys, eats lunch and sometimes dinner at nice restaurants, and has intellectual stimulation. I think of you asked Jon, he’d say my job is harder.

[Anonymous]

^^grown ups

[Anonymous]

^^him - sorry for typos ?

[Anonymous]

OP, we don't feel guilty because we're not laying around the pool all day. Do you seriously think that's what SAHPs do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This truly isn't meant to be attacking anyone, and I hope there can be a serious discussion about it.

I work, but due to some weird circumstances have this week basically off. Kids are 4 (full time daycare/preschool) and 7 (camp including aftercare). This post does NOT apply to moms with young kids at home - that I get. This week I've found myself feeling guilty that I can go to the pool and read, see friends, etc while DH is stuck at work. Our situation is unique - I have a significant net worth due to inheritance but prefer to work, and DH has a good but not insane job (the inheritance was able to pay off his loans, our mortgage etc). My job is much more flexible so I'm the default parent, which is totally fine - but he more than pulls his weight.

Do women (or men who stay home) justify this by saying they had to deal with pregnancy etc? Or that the kids might need something during the day? Or that maintaining the household takes the whole day? Or they relax without guilt and I'm the weird one?

Thoughts welcome.

DH here. I get you. I hate it when my DW is at work and I am, somehow, at home. I do feel guilty when that happens.

[Anonymous]

OP - i'm with you. I am an attorney who got sick after my son was born and shifted to a very low key role. Then back to work in a firm part time, and i'm about to quit my job again because i have a kid with special needs that just aren't compatible with my working. Even with my part time job, the special needs stuff by no means fills an average day, nor does any of the "house management" stuff. But i can't keep working because right now we have at least one specialist appointment every couple weeks, so i've just been unreliable at work that it's not fair to my employer. I feel incredibly guilty with all my down time, and guilty that my DH continues to work. Now that i've been on both sides of the coin (working and nonworking with kids), i look back on my sahm mother and am astounded at how little "work" (childrearing or otherwise) she has had to do since around 1983 (when i started at K). My dad is still working at 75 (because he likes it), and i asked him how he feels about the fact that my mom never did much, and he was okay with it and hadn't really thought about it. Different generation, i guess. My DH and I discussed and agreed that if we were on either side of that partnership, we'd have trouble sleeping at night. So yeah, i get where OP is coming from.

[Anonymous]

Being a mom is a full time job. I'm a woman, and I think it's great that women choose to stay at home with their kids, or just stay at home and let a man support them.

I would rather that, then a lot of women in the office who don't pull their weight because they're exhausted or bitter or just don't want to be there.

My sister isn't a mom, and she quit working in 1996 after she got married. I think it's funny. She has a master's degree but she just doesn't like to work.

[Anonymous]

I've been laid off from government contracting jobs, and I take 6 months on unemployment to find another job. I would probably go back sooner. I don't have kids, and I'm not married. It doesn't take me all day long to complete a job search. I'm home full time now not working, waiting for a clearance to clear. I'll be back in about 4 weeks, after being out of work since November.

Do I feel guilty that I do nothing all day except hang out by the pool, read books, watch movies and series on Netflix?

No.

[Anonymous]

My husband is long-term unemployed and I resent him every day.

However, if he was a great house husband (he's not), we could afford to be on one income, and he did worthwhile things like community volunteering, I'd be happy to have the luxury of a household with that resource.

I have to call BS on the question though. Nobody in a healthy marriage begrudges the other a staycation or down time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get where you're coming from. Honestly, I think most of the people who jumped all over you are jealous. I've always said to my husband that I could never be a stay at home mom because I do think he'd start to resent me. I have male friends who bitch about their wives who stay at home spending their money and doing nothing all day, so this does in fact happen. I'm happy for all the people who have found the right balance that allows each parent to play to their strengths and have a solid marriage, but to act like there is no one out there who resents their spouse that doesn't work is ridiculous. OP, for this week, just kick back and enjoy yourself.

[Anonymous]

My husband later admitted that he loved being on garden leave after being laid off. he had friends and family visit, he ordered stuff on Amazon like no tomorrow, he fitted out a gym in the basement he no longer uses. he felt healthier and better than ever.

we had no kids at that point in time and I was going to work pregnant. in retrospect we wish he would have aggressively done more financial planning, family goals and get ready for kids stuff. He was looking for a job at the same time so it wasn't all fun.

[Anonymous]

OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from. Honestly, I think most of the people who jumped all over you are jealous. I've always said to my husband that I could never be a stay at home mom because I do think he'd start to resent me. I have male friends who bitch about their wives who stay at home spending their money and doing nothing all day, so this does in fact happen. I'm happy for all the people who have found the right balance that allows each parent to play to their strengths and have a solid marriage, but to act like there is no one out there who resents their spouse that doesn't work is ridiculous. OP, for this week, just kick back and enjoy yourself.

Yes, it some of the spouses had to do it again, they would choose differently. I hear it from my co-workers and family members as well. The thing is, they are stuck. Once you establish this dynamic. It is hard to resend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I 100% disagree. You gave the option of a high paid job. She will be free to choose what she wants to do. If you had not paid for her education, she would
Not have a choice. Also, she will be a very educated woman who will be a better mom and will “hopefully” choose a better husband. Education is never a waste no matter what one decides to do with it. I have a friend that stays at home with her two kids and has a PhD. She is very happy and so are her kids and husband... I also have a PhD and I do consulting work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are one judgemental, self righteous busybody...

+1

Why though? Seriously. This is OP, and no need to be defensive. I have no idea why I feel this way and others don't, and am curious. Not exactly something I can ask in real life.

Ok my honest answer is that my DH has a “big” job. He makes a lot of money, is very senior in his company and works decent hours generally, but if they say get on a plane tomorrow or finish this project, he does. He loves what he does and is very ambitious. He’d do this whether we were married or not, had kids or not. Some version of this is his dream job. So it’s the constant in our lives that I have to work around and accommodate. It’s easiest for me, a mom of 3, to accommodate it by not working.

Now if I had loved my job? I’d maybe have had more qualms about quitting. But I didn’t. So given the circumstances I have to work around...here we are.

He makes enough money that it really doesn’t matter if I spend the day hanging out by the pool or whatever.

Make sense?

This is OP and yes, absolutely, and thanks for your honesty! Does it not bother you because you know he'd work that way regardless, or because you don't need the money, or what? I'm actually trying to work out a way to NOT feel bad, especially because my personal net worth is pretty significant and his isn't, though I know I'm getting jumped all over here.

What is wrong with you that compels you to keep bringing this up? Who cares whose net worth is what? Why must you keep score? I'd hate being your husband; you come off as smug AF.

You're basically asking how anyone who doesn't have to work can not work and not feel badly about it. Well, guess what: I don't have to work and I choose not to and I feel great about it. It's awesome.