How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a law firm partner and the default parent because my DH has a job that isn’t very flexible. Yes I do feel guilty when I’m at home and he’s working. I don’t think he feels guilty when the situation is reversed.

You need to do more for women's equality than you are doing right now. You have to get over the martyr mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why send the kids away this week? Why not BE WITH them?

Why don't you share your inheritance? I shared my inheritance, so I'm not richer than my spouse.

Can you answer this, OP?

Not sure what you mean (this is OP, haven’t been on today, not sure who other posters are talking about but many women with personal net worth choose to work and especially in nonprofit environments - there are 2 in similar situations in my office alone. Also think some of you don’t understand the definition of troll.. ??)

I share with him in that I paid off his loans and bought the home we live in in cash in both our names (essentially giving him 500k). Our wills are detailed, but the inherited accounts would go largely to my children with him and my brother (who inherited an equal amount and manages it similarly) as co-trustees. It’s family money I didn’t earn and if something happened to me and he were to remarry etc, I’d want it to go to my children. He has no issue at all with that. Our salaries and dividends from inheritance are deposited into a joint account.

So you are blessed to have a job that is really a hobby? And you think that working out of home rather than staying at home with your kids is a decision that everyone should make in similar situation to yours? The right decision, the not lazy decision? Me thinks you protest too much. You outsource all of your kids care, you outsource housekeeping. Are your kids truly better off this way? Maybe. I do know that this is really helping people you pay to help with your kids and chores, as they benefit from this income, to them there is no decision about SAH or not, they are grateful that you pay them so they can put food on their table. The high and mighty attitude shows how clueless you are about the reality of life and work for most people in the US and around the world. Very, very few people have the money to afford your lifestyle, and yet what you choose to do here is climb a pedestal and preach to the "masses." Maybe take a trip to a poor country and ask the mom who carries her baby on her back, and then goes to an ally to prostitute herself for food, is she proud to be a working mom. But she is a working mother I admire, that I have seen with my own eyes. You, on the other hand, I pity. Not because you work, not because you have money, but because of what your attitude is and the fact that with all that wealth you are utterly blind and deaf to even pause for a second and see why do you need to judge other people. To most people WOH or SAH is a choice made out of financial necessity, not privilege. You have no business telling anyone what they should feel guilty or not about, you literarily work for fun and have all the help you need to be lazy for this one week. When other working spouses have a week off, they have million chores to do, and can't laze around the pool and hence feel guilty.

This is hard to unpack, but I'll try, I guess, though it seems like a futile endeavor (this is OP).

1 - not sure what you mean by a 'hobby job.' My job is flexible and pays less than I could afford if I didn't have the inheritance, but I don't feel comfortable not working (example for my little kids, use of education my parents paid for, vast contribution to the world through my org's mission etc). If I didn't have this job, I'd get another one. Do you mean working but not out of financial necessity? I don't consider the inheritance my money to live off of, and I don't want my husband to shoulder all the income-producing as long as I'm an able-bodied adult. I'd also like to be able to pay for education / retirement etc for my children, or at least provide significantly towards it.

2 - Of course I see my privilege (though nursing my mother through cancer wasn't exactly a privilege). No one is comparing anyone to a young mother whoring herself i an alley to feed her baby....?

3 - I "outsource housekeeping?" I have deep cleaners once every two weeks, and that's it. My husband and I split all the laundry, meal prep, dishes, day-to-day cleaning, garbage, etc.

4 - Yes, my younger child is in full-time care, usually from about 8-5 daily. I work, so I need him cared for. Missing the issue there... ?? My older child is in elementary school and an hour of aftercare a day. He's obsessed with camp and would go there on weekends if he could. He's an active, normal 7 year old who wants to be playing sports with friends.

I was actually legitimately asking how people are able to relax in this situation. The responses that really fascinated me were those who said their husbands would work like this regardless of what they did - my husband is NOT that type (he's a work to live not live to work kind), so I didn't even think of it. I never said that I wasn't in a privileged position or wasn't very blessed in many aspects of my life.

If I were you I would only feel Guilty about not spending much time with my kids and having the little one in full time day care. I also work FT and this is what I feel Guilty about. You should have spent time with your kid/s instead of going to the pool. I would never feel
Guilty about towards my DH for taking a week off...

Huge +1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why send the kids away this week? Why not BE WITH them?

Why don't you share your inheritance? I shared my inheritance, so I'm not richer than my spouse.

Can you answer this, OP?

Not sure what you mean (this is OP, haven’t been on today, not sure who other posters are talking about but many women with personal net worth choose to work and especially in nonprofit environments - there are 2 in similar situations in my office alone. Also think some of you don’t understand the definition of troll.. ??)

I share with him in that I paid off his loans and bought the home we live in in cash in both our names (essentially giving him 500k). Our wills are detailed, but the inherited accounts would go largely to my children with him and my brother (who inherited an equal amount and manages it similarly) as co-trustees. It’s family money I didn’t earn and if something happened to me and he were to remarry etc, I’d want it to go to my children. He has no issue at all with that. Our salaries and dividends from inheritance are deposited into a joint account.

So you are blessed to have a job that is really a hobby? And you think that working out of home rather than staying at home with your kids is a decision that everyone should make in similar situation to yours? The right decision, the not lazy decision? Me thinks you protest too much. You outsource all of your kids care, you outsource housekeeping. Are your kids truly better off this way? Maybe. I do know that this is really helping people you pay to help with your kids and chores, as they benefit from this income, to them there is no decision about SAH or not, they are grateful that you pay them so they can put food on their table. The high and mighty attitude shows how clueless you are about the reality of life and work for most people in the US and around the world. Very, very few people have the money to afford your lifestyle, and yet what you choose to do here is climb a pedestal and preach to the "masses." Maybe take a trip to a poor country and ask the mom who carries her baby on her back, and then goes to an ally to prostitute herself for food, is she proud to be a working mom. But she is a working mother I admire, that I have seen with my own eyes. You, on the other hand, I pity. Not because you work, not because you have money, but because of what your attitude is and the fact that with all that wealth you are utterly blind and deaf to even pause for a second and see why do you need to judge other people. To most people WOH or SAH is a choice made out of financial necessity, not privilege. You have no business telling anyone what they should feel guilty or not about, you literarily work for fun and have all the help you need to be lazy for this one week. When other working spouses have a week off, they have million chores to do, and can't laze around the pool and hence feel guilty.

This is hard to unpack, but I'll try, I guess, though it seems like a futile endeavor (this is OP).

1 - not sure what you mean by a 'hobby job.' My job is flexible and pays less than I could afford if I didn't have the inheritance, but I don't feel comfortable not working (example for my little kids, use of education my parents paid for, vast contribution to the world through my org's mission etc). If I didn't have this job, I'd get another one. Do you mean working but not out of financial necessity? I don't consider the inheritance my money to live off of, and I don't want my husband to shoulder all the income-producing as long as I'm an able-bodied adult. I'd also like to be able to pay for education / retirement etc for my children, or at least provide significantly towards it.

2 - Of course I see my privilege (though nursing my mother through cancer wasn't exactly a privilege). No one is comparing anyone to a young mother whoring herself i an alley to feed her baby....?

3 - I "outsource housekeeping?" I have deep cleaners once every two weeks, and that's it. My husband and I split all the laundry, meal prep, dishes, day-to-day cleaning, garbage, etc.

4 - Yes, my younger child is in full-time care, usually from about 8-5 daily. I work, so I need him cared for. Missing the issue there... ?? My older child is in elementary school and an hour of aftercare a day. He's obsessed with camp and would go there on weekends if he could. He's an active, normal 7 year old who wants to be playing sports with friends.

I was actually legitimately asking how people are able to relax in this situation. The responses that really fascinated me were those who said their husbands would work like this regardless of what they did - my husband is NOT that type (he's a work to live not live to work kind), so I didn't even think of it. I never said that I wasn't in a privileged position or wasn't very blessed in many aspects of my life.

If I were you I would only feel Guilty about not spending much time with my kids and having the little one in full time day care. I also work FT and this is what I feel Guilty about. You should have spent time with your kid/s instead of going to the pool. I would never feel
Guilty about towards my DH for taking a week off...

Huge +1.

Op here - I work full-time now. My job is flexible but I am on duty during normal work hours. How can I not have him in full-time care? Or do you mean just this week in particular?

Would you say the same to a stay at home mommy who has a kid in preschool?

[Anonymous]

Sorry that should say though, not now.

And last sentence should be mom not mommy. Autocorrect!

[Anonymous]

NP here who skipped most of the middle of this thread.

OP, are you playing dumb on purpose? Plenty of people would prefer not to work if they didn't need the money. It's usually because they want to be as available to their family as possible, and they have outside interests and hobbies to keep them busy. Plenty of other people might want to go back to work but can't find the job flexibility that their family requires.

As for me, I stayed home until my children were in school and now work part time. I'm sure someone on DCUM will tell me why that's wrong, but it works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here who skipped most of the middle of this thread.

OP, are you playing dumb on purpose? Plenty of people would prefer not to work if they didn't need the money. It's usually because they want to be as available to their family as possible, and they have outside interests and hobbies to keep them busy. Plenty of other people might want to go back to work but can't find the job flexibility that their family requires.

As for me, I stayed home until my children were in school and now work part time. I'm sure someone on DCUM will tell me why that's wrong, but it works for us.

Have to wonder this as well. And it's clear to pretty much everyone that op has WAY too much time on her hands - agree with PPs that maybe she should try spending a little of it with her children (and less writing long weird ditzy diatribes online).
-a working mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here who skipped most of the middle of this thread.

OP, are you playing dumb on purpose? Plenty of people would prefer not to work if they didn't need the money. It's usually because they want to be as available to their family as possible, and they have outside interests and hobbies to keep them busy. Plenty of other people might want to go back to work but can't find the job flexibility that their family requires.

As for me, I stayed home until my children were in school and now work part time. I'm sure someone on DCUM will tell me why that's wrong, but it works for us.

Have to wonder this as well. And it's clear to pretty much everyone that op has WAY too much time on her hands - agree with PPs that maybe she should try spending a little of it with her children (and less writing long weird ditzy diatribes online).
-a working mother

Sure you’re a working mother. She seems totally reasonable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why send the kids away this week? Why not BE WITH them?

Why don't you share your inheritance? I shared my inheritance, so I'm not richer than my spouse.

Can you answer this, OP?

Not sure what you mean (this is OP, haven’t been on today, not sure who other posters are talking about but many women with personal net worth choose to work and especially in nonprofit environments - there are 2 in similar situations in my office alone. Also think some of you don’t understand the definition of troll.. ??)

I share with him in that I paid off his loans and bought the home we live in in cash in both our names (essentially giving him 500k). Our wills are detailed, but the inherited accounts would go largely to my children with him and my brother (who inherited an equal amount and manages it similarly) as co-trustees. It’s family money I didn’t earn and if something happened to me and he were to remarry etc, I’d want it to go to my children. He has no issue at all with that. Our salaries and dividends from inheritance are deposited into a joint account.

So you are blessed to have a job that is really a hobby? And you think that working out of home rather than staying at home with your kids is a decision that everyone should make in similar situation to yours? The right decision, the not lazy decision? Me thinks you protest too much. You outsource all of your kids care, you outsource housekeeping. Are your kids truly better off this way? Maybe. I do know that this is really helping people you pay to help with your kids and chores, as they benefit from this income, to them there is no decision about SAH or not, they are grateful that you pay them so they can put food on their table. The high and mighty attitude shows how clueless you are about the reality of life and work for most people in the US and around the world. Very, very few people have the money to afford your lifestyle, and yet what you choose to do here is climb a pedestal and preach to the "masses." Maybe take a trip to a poor country and ask the mom who carries her baby on her back, and then goes to an ally to prostitute herself for food, is she proud to be a working mom. But she is a working mother I admire, that I have seen with my own eyes. You, on the other hand, I pity. Not because you work, not because you have money, but because of what your attitude is and the fact that with all that wealth you are utterly blind and deaf to even pause for a second and see why do you need to judge other people. To most people WOH or SAH is a choice made out of financial necessity, not privilege. You have no business telling anyone what they should feel guilty or not about, you literarily work for fun and have all the help you need to be lazy for this one week. When other working spouses have a week off, they have million chores to do, and can't laze around the pool and hence feel guilty.

This is hard to unpack, but I'll try, I guess, though it seems like a futile endeavor (this is OP).

1 - not sure what you mean by a 'hobby job.' My job is flexible and pays less than I could afford if I didn't have the inheritance, but I don't feel comfortable not working (example for my little kids, use of education my parents paid for, vast contribution to the world through my org's mission etc). If I didn't have this job, I'd get another one. Do you mean working but not out of financial necessity? I don't consider the inheritance my money to live off of, and I don't want my husband to shoulder all the income-producing as long as I'm an able-bodied adult. I'd also like to be able to pay for education / retirement etc for my children, or at least provide significantly towards it.

2 - Of course I see my privilege (though nursing my mother through cancer wasn't exactly a privilege). No one is comparing anyone to a young mother whoring herself i an alley to feed her baby....?

3 - I "outsource housekeeping?" I have deep cleaners once every two weeks, and that's it. My husband and I split all the laundry, meal prep, dishes, day-to-day cleaning, garbage, etc.

4 - Yes, my younger child is in full-time care, usually from about 8-5 daily. I work, so I need him cared for. Missing the issue there... ?? My older child is in elementary school and an hour of aftercare a day. He's obsessed with camp and would go there on weekends if he could. He's an active, normal 7 year old who wants to be playing sports with friends.

I was actually legitimately asking how people are able to relax in this situation. The responses that really fascinated me were those who said their husbands would work like this regardless of what they did - my husband is NOT that type (he's a work to live not live to work kind), so I didn't even think of it. I never said that I wasn't in a privileged position or wasn't very blessed in many aspects of my life.

Come on, op, you start threads like this on a regular basis, several of us recognize you. Stop wonderung about the choices of others, amd start wondering why you like to start mommy wars on dcum.

[Anonymous]

Of course you feel guilty. Your husband is a "work to live";you have enough to let him stay home, but choose to keep him working so that you can feel guilty while he works.


You have too much time on your hands so you make up shit. Maybe you need a more challenging job.

[Anonymous]

Why should they feel guilty for doing all the crap that their husband and kids don't want to do? I don't stay home because I actually have ambitions and desires of my own which do not conflict with having a family (same with my husband!).

[Anonymous]

Just because I don’t earn a salary, it doesn’t mean I don’t do my fair share of the work, OP. I have a passive income stream, and we don’t outsource anything. Very happy with my life, actually.

If I were the spouse working outside the home, and perhaps I will be in the furure, I would want my husband to work part-time or not at all, and look after the kids and the house. Even high schoolers need parenting!

[Anonymous]

I would feel more guilty about spending zero time with my kids than I would about doing all the sh*twork around the house while my husband works at his dream job, which he enjoys immensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why send the kids away this week? Why not BE WITH them?

Why don't you share your inheritance? I shared my inheritance, so I'm not richer than my spouse.

Can you answer this, OP?

Not sure what you mean (this is OP, haven’t been on today, not sure who other posters are talking about but many women with personal net worth choose to work and especially in nonprofit environments - there are 2 in similar situations in my office alone. Also think some of you don’t understand the definition of troll.. ??)

I share with him in that I paid off his loans and bought the home we live in in cash in both our names (essentially giving him 500k). Our wills are detailed, but the inherited accounts would go largely to my children with him and my brother (who inherited an equal amount and manages it similarly) as co-trustees. It’s family money I didn’t earn and if something happened to me and he were to remarry etc, I’d want it to go to my children. He has no issue at all with that. Our salaries and dividends from inheritance are deposited into a joint account.

So you are blessed to have a job that is really a hobby? And you think that working out of home rather than staying at home with your kids is a decision that everyone should make in similar situation to yours? The right decision, the not lazy decision? Me thinks you protest too much. You outsource all of your kids care, you outsource housekeeping. Are your kids truly better off this way? Maybe. I do know that this is really helping people you pay to help with your kids and chores, as they benefit from this income, to them there is no decision about SAH or not, they are grateful that you pay them so they can put food on their table. The high and mighty attitude shows how clueless you are about the reality of life and work for most people in the US and around the world. Very, very few people have the money to afford your lifestyle, and yet what you choose to do here is climb a pedestal and preach to the "masses." Maybe take a trip to a poor country and ask the mom who carries her baby on her back, and then goes to an ally to prostitute herself for food, is she proud to be a working mom. But she is a working mother I admire, that I have seen with my own eyes. You, on the other hand, I pity. Not because you work, not because you have money, but because of what your attitude is and the fact that with all that wealth you are utterly blind and deaf to even pause for a second and see why do you need to judge other people. To most people WOH or SAH is a choice made out of financial necessity, not privilege. You have no business telling anyone what they should feel guilty or not about, you literarily work for fun and have all the help you need to be lazy for this one week. When other working spouses have a week off, they have million chores to do, and can't laze around the pool and hence feel guilty.

This is hard to unpack, but I'll try, I guess, though it seems like a futile endeavor (this is OP).

1 - not sure what you mean by a 'hobby job.' My job is flexible and pays less than I could afford if I didn't have the inheritance, but I don't feel comfortable not working (example for my little kids, use of education my parents paid for, vast contribution to the world through my org's mission etc). If I didn't have this job, I'd get another one. Do you mean working but not out of financial necessity? I don't consider the inheritance my money to live off of, and I don't want my husband to shoulder all the income-producing as long as I'm an able-bodied adult. I'd also like to be able to pay for education / retirement etc for my children, or at least provide significantly towards it.

2 - Of course I see my privilege (though nursing my mother through cancer wasn't exactly a privilege). No one is comparing anyone to a young mother whoring herself i an alley to feed her baby....?

3 - I "outsource housekeeping?" I have deep cleaners once every two weeks, and that's it. My husband and I split all the laundry, meal prep, dishes, day-to-day cleaning, garbage, etc.

4 - Yes, my younger child is in full-time care, usually from about 8-5 daily. I work, so I need him cared for. Missing the issue there... ?? My older child is in elementary school and an hour of aftercare a day. He's obsessed with camp and would go there on weekends if he could. He's an active, normal 7 year old who wants to be playing sports with friends.

I was actually legitimately asking how people are able to relax in this situation. The responses that really fascinated me were those who said their husbands would work like this regardless of what they did - my husband is NOT that type (he's a work to live not live to work kind), so I didn't even think of it. I never said that I wasn't in a privileged position or wasn't very blessed in many aspects of my life.

If I were you I would only feel Guilty about not spending much time with my kids and having the little one in full time day care. I also work FT and this is what I feel Guilty about. You should have spent time with your kid/s instead of going to the pool. I would never feel
Guilty about towards my DH for taking a week off...

+ 1

I do not understand why, if you have a week off work, you would continue to send your children to full-time summer camp/childcare. Spend some time with them! Take them to an amusement park! Or a sprayground! Something.

It's not about working or stay at home; it's about finding the time to be with your kids.

[Anonymous]

I worked for 15 years before becoming a SAHM and don’t feel any guilt at all. And I don’t care about the judgment either. People need to live and let live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why send the kids away this week? Why not BE WITH them?

Why don't you share your inheritance? I shared my inheritance, so I'm not richer than my spouse.

Can you answer this, OP?

Not sure what you mean (this is OP, haven’t been on today, not sure who other posters are talking about but many women with personal net worth choose to work and especially in nonprofit environments - there are 2 in similar situations in my office alone. Also think some of you don’t understand the definition of troll.. ??)

I share with him in that I paid off his loans and bought the home we live in in cash in both our names (essentially giving him 500k). Our wills are detailed, but the inherited accounts would go largely to my children with him and my brother (who inherited an equal amount and manages it similarly) as co-trustees. It’s family money I didn’t earn and if something happened to me and he were to remarry etc, I’d want it to go to my children. He has no issue at all with that. Our salaries and dividends from inheritance are deposited into a joint account.

So you are blessed to have a job that is really a hobby? And you think that working out of home rather than staying at home with your kids is a decision that everyone should make in similar situation to yours? The right decision, the not lazy decision? Me thinks you protest too much. You outsource all of your kids care, you outsource housekeeping. Are your kids truly better off this way? Maybe. I do know that this is really helping people you pay to help with your kids and chores, as they benefit from this income, to them there is no decision about SAH or not, they are grateful that you pay them so they can put food on their table. The high and mighty attitude shows how clueless you are about the reality of life and work for most people in the US and around the world. Very, very few people have the money to afford your lifestyle, and yet what you choose to do here is climb a pedestal and preach to the "masses." Maybe take a trip to a poor country and ask the mom who carries her baby on her back, and then goes to an ally to prostitute herself for food, is she proud to be a working mom. But she is a working mother I admire, that I have seen with my own eyes. You, on the other hand, I pity. Not because you work, not because you have money, but because of what your attitude is and the fact that with all that wealth you are utterly blind and deaf to even pause for a second and see why do you need to judge other people. To most people WOH or SAH is a choice made out of financial necessity, not privilege. You have no business telling anyone what they should feel guilty or not about, you literarily work for fun and have all the help you need to be lazy for this one week. When other working spouses have a week off, they have million chores to do, and can't laze around the pool and hence feel guilty.

This is hard to unpack, but I'll try, I guess, though it seems like a futile endeavor (this is OP).

1 - not sure what you mean by a 'hobby job.' My job is flexible and pays less than I could afford if I didn't have the inheritance, but I don't feel comfortable not working (example for my little kids, use of education my parents paid for, vast contribution to the world through my org's mission etc). If I didn't have this job, I'd get another one. Do you mean working but not out of financial necessity? I don't consider the inheritance my money to live off of, and I don't want my husband to shoulder all the income-producing as long as I'm an able-bodied adult. I'd also like to be able to pay for education / retirement etc for my children, or at least provide significantly towards it.

2 - Of course I see my privilege (though nursing my mother through cancer wasn't exactly a privilege). No one is comparing anyone to a young mother whoring herself i an alley to feed her baby....?

3 - I "outsource housekeeping?" I have deep cleaners once every two weeks, and that's it. My husband and I split all the laundry, meal prep, dishes, day-to-day cleaning, garbage, etc.

4 - Yes, my younger child is in full-time care, usually from about 8-5 daily. I work, so I need him cared for. Missing the issue there... ?? My older child is in elementary school and an hour of aftercare a day. He's obsessed with camp and would go there on weekends if he could. He's an active, normal 7 year old who wants to be playing sports with friends.

I was actually legitimately asking how people are able to relax in this situation. The responses that really fascinated me were those who said their husbands would work like this regardless of what they did - my husband is NOT that type (he's a work to live not live to work kind), so I didn't even think of it. I never said that I wasn't in a privileged position or wasn't very blessed in many aspects of my life.

If I were you I would only feel Guilty about not spending much time with my kids and having the little one in full time day care. I also work FT and this is what I feel Guilty about. You should have spent time with your kid/s instead of going to the pool. I would never feel
Guilty about towards my DH for taking a week off...

Huge +1.

Op here - I work full-time now. My job is flexible but I am on duty during normal work hours. How can I not have him in full-time care? Or do you mean just this week in particular?

Would you say the same to a stay at home mommy who has a kid in preschool?

Half-day preschool when your kids is over 3 is important for their learning and social skills. If your kid is in full-time daycare at 1 or 2, no he/she does not need that so if you are not working that week you should be spending time with them. Also, if your child is <3 and you are so rich why don’t you have a nanny? Either way, your priorities are not right if you feel guilty about having a week off while your DH is at work, but you don’t feel guilty to be at the pool while your small children are in daycare. I guess hose SAHMs that you “criticize” have a hard job, don’t they?