How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This week I've found myself feeling guilty that I can go to the pool and read, see friends, etc while DH is stuck at work.

Well why don't you get off your butt and go grocery shopping, take my car to get the oil changed, take the dog to the vet, pick up my dry cleaning, and go home and clean the house and cook dinner? And stop trying to compare yourself to a stay at home parent when you've outsourced your kids all day.

+1

[Anonymous]

I can’t think of why you *would* feel guilty. Unless you guys were strapped for cash and your spouse is breaking his back working, there is nothing to feel guilty about. It’s just work, he’s not being tortured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This week I've found myself feeling guilty that I can go to the pool and read, see friends, etc while DH is stuck at work.

Well why don't you get off your butt and go grocery shopping, take my car to get the oil changed, take the dog to the vet, pick up my dry cleaning, and go home and clean the house and cook dinner? And stop trying to compare yourself to a stay at home parent when you've outsourced your kids all day.

God, you guys sound so freaking angry and miserable. Good thing you're influencing kids all day.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I get to take a break; at some point, DH gets to take a break. It's not a contest.

[Anonymous]

I don't think one person has answered the question posed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s easy! What’s more important for your kids… quality time or money? Having a stay-at-home parent gives your kids a stable, healthy, home environment. I can’t quote any studies or statistics because I’m being too lazy to hunt for them, but I’m pretty sure if you did look it up they would show that households that commit to having a stay-at-home parent tend to raise kids that are a bit more self-confident and more emotionally stable than parents that both work and have the kids with a baby sitter or day care.

Err... that's actually false.

https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-working-moms-grow-into-happy-adults

In 2015, preliminary results of a groundbreaking study found that the daughters of employed mothers often perform better in their eventual careers than the daughters of stay-at-home moms.

Now the full study has been released, and it brings even more good news for the children of working moms: They wind up just as happy in adulthood as the children of moms who stayed home.

Adult daughters whose moms worked outside the home are more likely to work themselves, hold more supervisory responsibilities, and earn higher wages than women whose mothers stayed home full time.

Sons may be influenced by their working mothers, the study suggests. They spend an extra 50 minutes each week caring for family members.

Sons are influenced in other ways when their moms work. The sons of employed mothers hold significantly more egalitarian gender attitudes—even more so than the daughters of stay-at-home moms.

Both sons and daughters of employed mothers have significantly more education than children of mothers who are not employed.

I mean...is the goal post to have working daughters though? I stayed home with my children when they were young and I cannot in a million years imagine missing that time. I hope they will get to experience it as well - that time is fleeting and you can never get it back. And it means more to me than my (v successful) career ever will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think for a lot of people, there is (a lot) more to life than money. It seems hard for some to grasp, but the people in your life have value beyond what money they do (or do not) make.

This. If one person makes enough for family, the other person doesn’t need to. Plus DH hates shopping, and scheduling things, and organizing and all the things I do when the kids are at school. He does not resent me because I have a few hours of free time each day. Our life runs smoothly.

Agree. My value to my husband is not in whether I spent my day in an office or not. How weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are one judgemental, self righteous busybody...

+1

Why though? Seriously. This is OP, and no need to be defensive. I have no idea why I feel this way and others don't, and am curious. Not exactly something I can ask in real life.

Ok my honest answer is that my DH has a “big” job. He makes a lot of money, is very senior in his company and works decent hours generally, but if they say get on a plane tomorrow or finish this project, he does. He loves what he does and is very ambitious. He’d do this whether we were married or not, had kids or not. Some version of this is his dream job. So it’s the constant in our lives that I have to work around and accommodate. It’s easiest for me, a mom of 3, to accommodate it by not working.

Now if I had loved my job? I’d maybe have had more qualms about quitting. But I didn’t. So given the circumstances I have to work around...here we are.

He makes enough money that it really doesn’t matter if I spend the day hanging out by the pool or whatever.

Make sense?

When you’re hanging out by the pool do you ever think you’re husband could be unfaithful on one of those business trips and leave you and your kids in a tough situation? Or is your husband not the type to cheat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are one judgemental, self righteous busybody...

+1

Why though? Seriously. This is OP, and no need to be defensive. I have no idea why I feel this way and others don't, and am curious. Not exactly something I can ask in real life.

Ok my honest answer is that my DH has a “big” job. He makes a lot of money, is very senior in his company and works decent hours generally, but if they say get on a plane tomorrow or finish this project, he does. He loves what he does and is very ambitious. He’d do this whether we were married or not, had kids or not. Some version of this is his dream job. So it’s the constant in our lives that I have to work around and accommodate. It’s easiest for me, a mom of 3, to accommodate it by not working.

Now if I had loved my job? I’d maybe have had more qualms about quitting. But I didn’t. So given the circumstances I have to work around...here we are.

He makes enough money that it really doesn’t matter if I spend the day hanging out by the pool or whatever.

Make sense?

When you’re hanging out by the pool do you ever think you’re husband could be unfaithful on one of those business trips and leave you and your kids in a tough situation? Or is your husband not the type to cheat?

This makes me so sad for you and your marriage. What a horrible way to go through life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think for a lot of people, there is (a lot) more to life than money. It seems hard for some to grasp, but the people in your life have value beyond what money they do (or do not) make.

This. If one person makes enough for family, the other person doesn’t need to. Plus DH hates shopping, and scheduling things, and organizing and all the things I do when the kids are at school. He does not resent me because I have a few hours of free time each day. Our life runs smoothly.

Agree. My value to my husband is not in whether I spent my day in an office or not. How weird

That's not the question, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are one judgemental, self righteous busybody...

+1

Why though? Seriously. This is OP, and no need to be defensive. I have no idea why I feel this way and others don't, and am curious. Not exactly something I can ask in real life.

Ok my honest answer is that my DH has a “big” job. He makes a lot of money, is very senior in his company and works decent hours generally, but if they say get on a plane tomorrow or finish this project, he does. He loves what he does and is very ambitious. He’d do this whether we were married or not, had kids or not. Some version of this is his dream job. So it’s the constant in our lives that I have to work around and accommodate. It’s easiest for me, a mom of 3, to accommodate it by not working.

Now if I had loved my job? I’d maybe have had more qualms about quitting. But I didn’t. So given the circumstances I have to work around...here we are.

He makes enough money that it really doesn’t matter if I spend the day hanging out by the pool or whatever.

Make sense?

When you’re hanging out by the pool do you ever think you’re husband could be unfaithful on one of those business trips and leave you and your kids in a tough situation? Or is your husband not the type to cheat?

You won’t believe me but he’s not. We’ve been together for 20 years now (married 15). Sex is still good. I work out. Blah blah blah. None of that matters though except he’s not the type to cheat. He’d tell me first. Plus he doesn’t travel with female coworkers (of course I’ve thought about it, I’m not an idiot, lol). He mostly works with all men - he’s in finance.

[Anonymous]

I actually felt a little guilty the first year but my husband really wants me to be a SAHM. It's been hard for me because my mom passed away when I was young and my father raised my family of 4 on 1 income. I am always scared my husband will pass away early and it would be a struggle to support my son. It's very typical to be a SAHM in my husbands home country. I do want to work part time when my son goes to elementary school. Right now I volunteer with seniors while my toddler attends preschools a few mornings a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This week I've found myself feeling guilty that I can go to the pool and read, see friends, etc while DH is stuck at work.

Well why don't you get off your butt and go grocery shopping, take my car to get the oil changed, take the dog to the vet, pick up my dry cleaning, and go home and clean the house and cook dinner? And stop trying to compare yourself to a stay at home parent when you've outsourced your kids all day.

+1

+2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think for a lot of people, there is (a lot) more to life than money. It seems hard for some to grasp, but the people in your life have value beyond what money they do (or do not) make.

This. If one person makes enough for family, the other person doesn’t need to. Plus DH hates shopping, and scheduling things, and organizing and all the things I do when the kids are at school. He does not resent me because I have a few hours of free time each day. Our life runs smoothly.

Agree. My value to my husband is not in whether I spent my day in an office or not. How weird

That's not the question, at all.

Well, actually, it is. OP says money isn't an issue, but she feels guilty for not being at work this week while her husband is. That's a pretty directly relevant response

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are making a false equivalency. You are home for one week but have all the supports in place for a WOH life - full day child care, an even split of household responsibilities with your spouse, a system for taking care of your house/life outside of daytime hours (whether that is house cleaners, lawn care people, etc.) I work part-time, but I don’t really have a lot of leisure time to go to the pool, read, have lunch with friends. I fill my time doing all the things my husband hates to do but I don’t really mind - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, mowing the lawn, managing the kid’s activities, driving them around, picking up the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. My DH does not mind that all these things are off his plate and I don’t mind that they are on mine.

This makes sense! Maybe my job is flexible enough that I'm able to do all of those while working. I'm not being facetious.

It must be. I WOH and there is no way that I could work 40 hours (plus 5 hours commuting), pick my kids up at 3:00, shuttle them around until 5:30, make dinner, supervise homework, do baths, get them into bed, all before my DH comes home at 8:30 to finish bedtime. And, then do all the other things on that list after 8:30 and before I leave for work at 7:00 am. That’s why we have a nanny. If I was a SAHM, I wouldn’t have free time, I just wouldn’t have a nanny. I do think there are jobs that are flexible and allow you to do it all yourself, but in most families with a SAHP, the other parent does not have one of these jobs.