How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nah! No guilt. SAHM with grown kids in HS. Love to be home.

DH works hard and wants me to be refreshed and happy when he gets home. He says that he is put on the Earth to make me happy and he does.

that's awesome, can you give some examples of what he does for you to make you happy (besides letting you do whatever you want while he is not around).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think for a lot of people, there is (a lot) more to life than money. It seems hard for some to grasp, but the people in your life have value beyond what money they do (or do not) make.

This. If one person makes enough for family, the other person doesn’t need to. Plus DH hates shopping, and scheduling things, and organizing and all the things I do when the kids are at school. He does not resent me because I have a few hours of free time each day. Our life runs smoothly.

Agree. My value to my husband is not in whether I spent my day in an office or not. How weird

My husband's value add to the family is not even one-thrid due to his work or paycheck from the office.

[Anonymous]

No guilt. My DS is from old money and did not have to work but worked for the government. Retired now. Our kid is 10. No guilt about being a SAHM when DH was working and DS was little. Nothing to feel guilty about. Now that DH is retired, we have a lot of fun together as a family.

[Anonymous]

A one week vacation is completely different from being taking on an at home role.

In the role you can be as productive or unproductive as you want, similar to when you work.

Many of the SAHM's I know who have kids in school do a combo of the following during the school day.

volunteer
participate in school activities
care for elderly or ailing parents - appointments etc
do all shopping, errands, and cooking
do all housework and laundry
do all life errands - banking, car repairs, service appointments, pet care etc
drive kids to and from school and to after school activities
get exercise
be home for weather and illness related issues
take kids to all appointments (doctor etc)

and doing this all during the school day means that evenings and weekends can be family time to enjoy, relax, go do activities

[Anonymous]

Better question: How do you not feel guilty when you are working all the time and not with your spouse and children?

[Anonymous]

Jeez - my DH and I both work and if one of us gets gets a break to briefly chill we are happy. Please stop with the guilt crap!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are making a false equivalency. You are home for one week but have all the supports in place for a WOH life - full day child care, an even split of household responsibilities with your spouse, a system for taking care of your house/life outside of daytime hours (whether that is house cleaners, lawn care people, etc.) I work part-time, but I don’t really have a lot of leisure time to go to the pool, read, have lunch with friends. I fill my time doing all the things my husband hates to do but I don’t really mind - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, mowing the lawn, managing the kid’s activities, driving them around, picking up the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. My DH does not mind that all these things are off his plate and I don’t mind that they are on mine.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are making a false equivalency. You are home for one week but have all the supports in place for a WOH life - full day child care, an even split of household responsibilities with your spouse, a system for taking care of your house/life outside of daytime hours (whether that is house cleaners, lawn care people, etc.) I work part-time, but I don’t really have a lot of leisure time to go to the pool, read, have lunch with friends. I fill my time doing all the things my husband hates to do but I don’t really mind - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, mowing the lawn, managing the kid’s activities, driving them around, picking up the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. My DH does not mind that all these things are off his plate and I don’t mind that they are on mine.

This makes sense! Maybe my job is flexible enough that I'm able to do all of those while working. I'm not being facetious.

It must be. I WOH and there is no way that I could work 40 hours (plus 5 hours commuting), pick my kids up at 3:00, shuttle them around until 5:30, make dinner, supervise homework, do baths, get them into bed, all before my DH comes home at 8:30 to finish bedtime. And, then do all the other things on that list after 8:30 and before I leave for work at 7:00 am. That’s why we have a nanny. If I was a SAHM, I wouldn’t have free time, I just wouldn’t have a nanny. I do think there are jobs that are flexible and allow you to do it all yourself, but in most families with a SAHP, the other parent does not have one of these jobs.

This. It really matters what hours/travel the working spouse is putting in. Think of it this way: Couple #1 has two parents working 40 hour/week = a family contribution to the working world of 80 hours. Couple #2 had two parents, one working 60 hours and one working 20 hours = a family contribution of 80 hours. Couple #3 has two parents, one working 80 hours and one SAHP = a family contribution of 80 hours. Does it really matter which set up a family chooses? Each family has the same number of hours to accomplish the same work.

Seriously true. I work part-time (20 hours/week) and I have a friend who works a 40 hour week as a Fed. Her husband is also a 40 hour/week Fed. My husband works 70-80 hours a week as a firm lawyer. My friend is always condescendingly implying that I am a little lazy for only working part-time, but never acknowledges that together my family works way more than hers and has less free time when not working. The overall math matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez - my DH and I both work and if one of us gets gets a break to briefly chill we are happy. Please stop with the guilt crap!

This. I was given some free time (not annual leave) from work that was for a specific time period that he absolutely could not take off. I went to Europe with friends and left him working. Zero guilt, had a great time. He was glad I was taking advantage of the time off and having fun.

[Anonymous]

I don't feel guilty because I don't. Life is entirely too short for all of that.

[Anonymous]

Yet another? But here, I'll answer honestly.
I worked on and off through the years, and SAH through the years. We have 2 SN kids who had great periods and than very challenging periods. I don't feel guilty at all, zero, minus one. As we moved a lot, kids had to have a stability at home. My parents are in Europe, DH only has a dad,(also in far away state no matter where we moved) mom passed away long ago. Without me staying home, my kids wouldn't have had learning support and constant emotional and loving support I provided. I am happy to report that both are older teens, and while they still have some learning and behavioral issues, they have achieved academically and behaviorally things that their doctors deemed impossible. And I would have done it even if my kids were not SN, most likely. Kids need stability, our moving lifestyle made it often a necessity. I was raised by my grandma, while my parents worked. Yes, in Europe, I am a deviant for my country's standard where mom and all my aunts worked. Where all my female cousins earn more than their DHs and work full time. All of them also had/have their mom and MIL provide that constant care for all of their kids, just like my grandma did with me and my cousins. There is not right and wrong, none of us cousins or my nieces and nephews went to a daycare, and my kids did go to preschool more when I worked. DD loved her preschool, DS was miserable and developed selective mutism. So, yes, I don't' feel guilty at all, and my DH was and is the one who knows how hard it was for me(and for him) that I stayed at home. He knows I like working and that I gave up a lot to be at home as much as I was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s easy! What’s more important for your kids… quality time or money? Having a stay-at-home parent gives your kids a stable, healthy, home environment. I can’t quote any studies or statistics because I’m being too lazy to hunt for them, but I’m pretty sure if you did look it up they would show that households that commit to having a stay-at-home parent tend to raise kids that are a bit more self-confident and more emotionally stable than parents that both work and have the kids with a baby sitter or day care.

Err... that's actually false.

https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-working-moms-grow-into-happy-adults

In 2015, preliminary results of a groundbreaking study found that the daughters of employed mothers often perform better in their eventual careers than the daughters of stay-at-home moms.

Now the full study has been released, and it brings even more good news for the children of working moms: They wind up just as happy in adulthood as the children of moms who stayed home.

Adult daughters whose moms worked outside the home are more likely to work themselves, hold more supervisory responsibilities, and earn higher wages than women whose mothers stayed home full time.

Sons may be influenced by their working mothers, the study suggests. They spend an extra 50 minutes each week caring for family members.

Sons are influenced in other ways when their moms work. The sons of employed mothers hold significantly more egalitarian gender attitudes—even more so than the daughters of stay-at-home moms.

Both sons and daughters of employed mothers have significantly more education than children of mothers who are not employed.

I mean...is the goal post to have working daughters though? I stayed home with my children when they were young and I cannot in a million years imagine missing that time. I hope they will get to experience it as well - that time is fleeting and you can never get it back. And it means more to me than my (v successful) career ever will

Exactly.

I did not get to stay home as much as I would have liked.

But if I ever win the lottery, one of my first priorities would be that my children can stay home for ateast the first 3 years of my grandchildren's lives if they want to. And I am pretty sure that they would want to If they do not, I would gladly stay home with my grandchildren if they will let me.


It is so baffling that people consider their kids the number one priorities, but fail to see how it is important to others that one parent stay at home when these kids are young and impressionable(or even when they are older because teenagers are still very impressionable).

I would stay home in a heartbeat if we had some extra money. There is just a minimum income that would make sense in my family (because there are certain things that I grew up with that I consider important for my children to have access to), and one salary will not cut it.

I would not want my husband to work longer hours(40-45 hours is his average) because he has a very close relationship with them, just as and even better that I had with my father, and I think this is just as important as my relationship with them. And he would absolutely hate working longer hours.


But if we had the money today. I will be home. No guilty whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

OP stop bragging when you have a kid in full time daycare. I am in a very similar situation as you are (family money), I have a PhD and I am pregnant with#3. my kids are in Preschool and with a nanny. I do consulting work so I have free time when I want it. I am in Europe right now with the kids for the next month and half. Not feeling guilty at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This truly isn't meant to be attacking anyone, and I hope there can be a serious discussion about it.

I work, but due to some weird circumstances have this week basically off. Kids are 4 (full time daycare/preschool) and 7 (camp including aftercare). This post does NOT apply to moms with young kids at home - that I get. This week I've found myself feeling guilty that I can go to the pool and read, see friends, etc while DH is stuck at work. Our situation is unique - I have a significant net worth due to inheritance but prefer to work, and DH has a good but not insane job (the inheritance was able to pay off his loans, our mortgage etc). My job is much more flexible so I'm the default parent, which is totally fine - but he more than pulls his weight.

Do women (or men who stay home) justify this by saying they had to deal with pregnancy etc? Or that the kids might need something during the day? Or that maintaining the household takes the whole day? Or they relax without guilt and I'm the weird one?

Thoughts welcome.

ty for

So this week your kids are in camps all day, you are free(camp is longer than school generally) and have no loans due to inheritance? Your job is so flexible and you have free time this week? No homework to help kids, no activities to drive kids to and from? Does your DH feel guilty when he has a day off and you don't? I assume that must've happened? How about you have very little money and even if you work full time, you have maybe $100 left after you pay daycare? That is the reality for many SAH or WOH parents. Your privilege is astounding. I assure you that immigrant mom that works 2 jobs and has a day off out of the blue, feels no guilt that day that her DH is at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are making a false equivalency. You are home for one week but have all the supports in place for a WOH life - full day child care, an even split of household responsibilities with your spouse, a system for taking care of your house/life outside of daytime hours (whether that is house cleaners, lawn care people, etc.) I work part-time, but I don’t really have a lot of leisure time to go to the pool, read, have lunch with friends. I fill my time doing all the things my husband hates to do but I don’t really mind - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, mowing the lawn, managing the kid’s activities, driving them around, picking up the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. My DH does not mind that all these things are off his plate and I don’t mind that they are on mine.

This makes sense! Maybe my job is flexible enough that I'm able to do all of those while working. I'm not being facetious.

It must be. I WOH and there is no way that I could work 40 hours (plus 5 hours commuting), pick my kids up at 3:00, shuttle them around until 5:30, make dinner, supervise homework, do baths, get them into bed, all before my DH comes home at 8:30 to finish bedtime. And, then do all the other things on that list after 8:30 and before I leave for work at 7:00 am. That’s why we have a nanny. If I was a SAHM, I wouldn’t have free time, I just wouldn’t have a nanny. I do think there are jobs that are flexible and allow you to do it all yourself, but in most families with a SAHP, the other parent does not have one of these jobs.

This. It really matters what hours/travel the working spouse is putting in. Think of it this way: Couple #1 has two parents working 40 hour/week = a family contribution to the working world of 80 hours. Couple #2 had two parents, one working 60 hours and one working 20 hours = a family contribution of 80 hours. Couple #3 has two parents, one working 80 hours and one SAHP = a family contribution of 80 hours. Does it really matter which set up a family chooses? Each family has the same number of hours to accomplish the same work.

Seriously true. I work part-time (20 hours/week) and I have a friend who works a 40 hour week as a Fed. Her husband is also a 40 hour/week Fed. My husband works 70-80 hours a week as a firm lawyer. My friend is always condescendingly implying that I am a little lazy for only working part-time, but never acknowledges that together my family works way more than hers and has less free time when not working. The overall math matters.

sounds like I'm screwed. I work 40 hours a week w occasional travel and reading after 8pm, and my husband works 60 hours a week+ hours of Iphone time.