How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

Answer to your question, I don't have any guilt. I always knew I would stay home to raise kids because I did not want some paid stranger doing my job.

My husband agreed and in the early days he worked two jobs. One 8 to 5, one 6 to 10. As far as I know, he never resented me for doing my job. Which BTW was 24/7, 365 days a year. 3 kids. Never ending things needing to be done. When I finally burned out, my husband understood. He did anything he could to help. But being a man, his help sometimes made my job harder. He mostly took the kids to do things on the weekend. My me time consisted of cooking big batches of food and snacks, doing laundry, ironing... In case you need to know we were not well off so outsourcing, the word alone makes me laugh, did not even enter my mind.

He did have outside of the home hobbies one of which included a boat and a hunting rifle.

I was never a feminist nor did I try to make him feel guilty about not being there because quite frankly, I was grateful to have a choice. A choice not many have. I never whined about my chosen life either. The only time I felt guilty was when I got sick.

Some of you are downright lazy, entitled and disrespectful to your man. I wasn't like that. Could be why I had a very good husband.

[Anonymous]

OP should feel guilty not because she has a week off, but because she easily could choose to stay home with her kids and be a REAL SAHM rather than outsource their upbringing yet doesn't do it. Why? Because that is REAL work. Exhausting work. Hard work.

I was a biglaw partner who retired early. My wife has never had a job throughout our marriage. But she absolutely worked as hard as I ever did when we had kids at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP should feel guilty not because she has a week off, but because she easily could choose to stay home with her kids and be a REAL SAHM rather than outsource their upbringing yet doesn't do it. Why? Because that is REAL work. Exhausting work. Hard work.

I was a biglaw partner who retired early. My wife has never had a job throughout our marriage. But she absolutely worked as hard as I ever did when we had kids at home.

Congratulations. This is the worst comment I've ever read on DCUM, and that's a stiff competition.

[Anonymous]

I hide my guilt by talking about emotional labor.

[Anonymous]

I supplemented his hard work with my trust fund, and SAHM with our kids, so no guilt here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are making a false equivalency. You are home for one week but have all the supports in place for a WOH life - full day child care, an even split of household responsibilities with your spouse, a system for taking care of your house/life outside of daytime hours (whether that is house cleaners, lawn care people, etc.) I work part-time, but I don’t really have a lot of leisure time to go to the pool, read, have lunch with friends. I fill my time doing all the things my husband hates to do but I don’t really mind - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, mowing the lawn, managing the kid’s activities, driving them around, picking up the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. My DH does not mind that all these things are off his plate and I don’t mind that they are on mine.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This truly isn't meant to be attacking anyone, and I hope there can be a serious discussion about it.

I work, but due to some weird circumstances have this week basically off. Kids are 4 (full time daycare/preschool) and 7 (camp including aftercare). This post does NOT apply to moms with young kids at home - that I get. This week I've found myself feeling guilty that I can go to the pool and read, see friends, etc while DH is stuck at work. Our situation is unique - I have a significant net worth due to inheritance but prefer to work, and DH has a good but not insane job (the inheritance was able to pay off his loans, our mortgage etc). My job is much more flexible so I'm the default parent, which is totally fine - but he more than pulls his weight.

Do women (or men who stay home) justify this by saying they had to deal with pregnancy etc? Or that the kids might need something during the day? Or that maintaining the household takes the whole day? Or they relax without guilt and I'm the weird one?

Thoughts welcome.

I've been mostly at home for 28 years. My youngest is 17. DH and I are 50. I don't "justify it" at all. I am busy some days. And some days I spend hours doing whatever I want. I had my grandkids over today and we spent most of the morning in our pool. No guilt at all. DH and I have been married for 30 years. He is happy. I am happy. Our kids are happy. I just assume people do what works best for their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP should feel guilty not because she has a week off, but because she easily could choose to stay home with her kids and be a REAL SAHM rather than outsource their upbringing yet doesn't do it. Why? Because that is REAL work. Exhausting work. Hard work.

I was a biglaw partner who retired early. My wife has never had a job throughout our marriage. But she absolutely worked as hard as I ever did when we had kids at home.

Congratulations. This is the worst comment I've ever read on DCUM, and that's a stiff competition.

Truth hurts, eh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are making a false equivalency. You are home for one week but have all the supports in place for a WOH life - full day child care, an even split of household responsibilities with your spouse, a system for taking care of your house/life outside of daytime hours (whether that is house cleaners, lawn care people, etc.) I work part-time, but I don’t really have a lot of leisure time to go to the pool, read, have lunch with friends. I fill my time doing all the things my husband hates to do but I don’t really mind - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, mowing the lawn, managing the kid’s activities, driving them around, picking up the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. My DH does not mind that all these things are off his plate and I don’t mind that they are on mine.

This makes sense! Maybe my job is flexible enough that I'm able to do all of those while working. I'm not being facetious.

What is wrong with you, OP? What are you hoping to gain here? WOTH parent here. No defensiveness, just baffled amusement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP should feel guilty not because she has a week off, but because she easily could choose to stay home with her kids and be a REAL SAHM rather than outsource their upbringing yet doesn't do it. Why? Because that is REAL work. Exhausting work. Hard work.

I was a biglaw partner who retired early. My wife has never had a job throughout our marriage. But she absolutely worked as hard as I ever did when we had kids at home.

Congratulations. This is the worst comment I've ever read on DCUM, and that's a stiff competition.

Truth hurts, eh?

That your wife has never had a job and some how you feel entitled to answer answer the question?

[Anonymous]

Nobody in my house is staying home doing nothing.

My spouse couldn't work for a bit but was not disabled and was fully engaged with volunteering at a local shelter.

You should feel like shit if you fill your days with selfish endeavors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody in my house is staying home doing nothing.

My spouse couldn't work for a bit but was not disabled and was fully engaged with volunteering at a local shelter.

You should feel like shit if you fill your days with selfish endeavors.

Because working for pay is pure altruism! Everyone would continue to go to their office of unpaid.

[Anonymous]

So, if your husband takes a Saturday to play golf and hang out with a friend, and leaves you to run errands with a four year old and a seven year old, do you want him to feel guilty? I know that I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah! No guilt. SAHM with grown kids in HS. Love to be home.

DH works hard and wants me to be refreshed and happy when he gets home. He says that he is put on the Earth to make me happy and he does.

that's awesome, can you give some examples of what he does for you to make you happy (besides letting you do whatever you want while he is not around).

Well, we do have a very comfortable lifestyle due to the money he earns and the money he is willing to spend. But that can be easily dismissed by DCUM as not a sign of devotion to me but an expense he bears, amirite?

So here is some of the things he does for me. He has done the same from the time we were dating.
- He has always had my back and made it clear from the time we started dating that I was the most important person in his life to family and friends. This has resulted in very cordial and drama free relationship with ILs on both sides of the family. We are college sweethearts and each others first and only love. Been married for 20 years.
- Makes me tea in the morning and gives it to me in bed since we've been together.
- I am not a morning person so he will make breakfast for the kids, pack their lunch-bags and drop them off to school, so that I can sleep in.
- He is a great cook and cooks at least several meals a week. Also cooks when we are entertaining.
- Very generous lover and his high libido matches mine.
- Makes sure that he fully supports me in my hobbies, causes, and madcap adventures.
- Lets me get away with my girlfriends once a year for a mini vacation without kids.
- Supported me completely when I had my kids and wanted to nurse them. He made sure that for several months postpartum, nursing my babies and taking care of myself was the only thing I did. He arranged for help, had my mom come and live with us, and outsourced as much stuff as he could.
- He took care of the kids when they were babies at night. He did not allow anyone else to take care of them even when help was available. He propped me up so that I could nurse them, but the rest of burping, changing diapers and rocking them to sleep? He did it happily.
- Arranges for me to have a massage every month.
- He has been a loyal, loving, moral and drama-free husband to me. I think we are just very lucky and well suited to one another.
- Appreciates my being a SAHM and feels that I am doing a great service to him and the kids by just being available 24/7

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah! No guilt. SAHM with grown kids in HS. Love to be home.

DH works hard and wants me to be refreshed and happy when he gets home. He says that he is put on the Earth to make me happy and he does.

that's awesome, can you give some examples of what he does for you to make you happy (besides letting you do whatever you want while he is not around).

Well, we do have a very comfortable lifestyle due to the money he earns and the money he is willing to spend. But that can be easily dismissed by DCUM as not a sign of devotion to me but an expense he bears, amirite?

So here is some of the things he does for me. He has done the same from the time we were dating.
- He has always had my back and made it clear from the time we started dating that I was the most important person in his life to family and friends. This has resulted in very cordial and drama free relationship with ILs on both sides of the family. We are college sweethearts and each others first and only love. Been married for 20 years.
- Makes me tea in the morning and gives it to me in bed since we've been together.
- I am not a morning person so he will make breakfast for the kids, pack their lunch-bags and drop them off to school, so that I can sleep in.
- He is a great cook and cooks at least several meals a week. Also cooks when we are entertaining.
- Very generous lover and his high libido matches mine.
- Makes sure that he fully supports me in my hobbies, causes, and madcap adventures.
- Lets me get away with my girlfriends once a year for a mini vacation without kids.
- Supported me completely when I had my kids and wanted to nurse them. He made sure that for several months postpartum, nursing my babies and taking care of myself was the only thing I did. He arranged for help, had my mom come and live with us, and outsourced as much stuff as he could.
- He took care of the kids when they were babies at night. He did not allow anyone else to take care of them even when help was available. He propped me up so that I could nurse them, but the rest of burping, changing diapers and rocking them to sleep? He did it happily.
- Arranges for me to have a massage every month.
- He has been a loyal, loving, moral and drama-free husband to me. I think we are just very lucky and well suited to one another.
- Appreciates my being a SAHM and feels that I am doing a great service to him and the kids by just being available 24/7

I work out of the home and my husband does not do all of what your husband does (and I think we have an amazing relationship) so.... congrats! You both seem very loving and happy