How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

I’m a law firm partner and the default parent because my DH has a job that isn’t very flexible. Yes I do feel guilty when I’m at home and he’s working. I don’t think he feels guilty when the situation is reversed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think one person has answered the question posed.

No, because SAHMs are really defensive. Blah, blah, blah...I do so much...whine whine whine.

Save it ladies, I do all the stuff you do and work 3/4 time. I take my kids to school and to their activities. I help them with their homework. I actually clean my own house. And I love my job. Lucky me.

I would not be proud of that. I work, but I have other people take care of my house, meals, pick up the kids from preschool (if you work you can’t pick them up at 12:30 pm). Why are women proud of being martyrs? I chose to work partly because I could never (and would not be good at it) do what SAHMs do... I would Never be proud (or feel like) to have to do both things

I'm not a martyr. I just get shit done. If you need help, that's fine for you, but don't try to knock me down for being more capable. Or less susceptible to stress. Or more efficient. Or whatever it is that allows me to be happy and do more than you at the sa

Oh dear, I am not trying to put you down. You were trying to put down SAHM by saying that you do all that they do and on top of that you “work”. Not sure how you can have a FT job andtake your kids to activities unless they have them at 5-6pm. Anyway, you were trying to put other people down by saying that you do it all and therefore you win. Personally, I would never trade your “abilities” for doing it all, but I am glad you enjoy it (most people would not)

I'm saying the SAHM moms are so defensive, that they try to justify their choice by intimating that a WOHM can't measure up in the mom dept. Don't tell me they don't.

And I said "Lucky me", not "I win". Interesting how many of you took it that way. Your own biases are showing. Don't put your nastiness on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think one person has answered the question posed.

No, because SAHMs are really defensive. Blah, blah, blah...I do so much...whine whine whine.

Save it ladies, I do all the stuff you do and work 3/4 time. I take my kids to school and to their activities. I help them with their homework. I actually clean my own house. And I love my job. Lucky me.

I would not be proud of that. I work, but I have other people take care of my house, meals, pick up the kids from preschool (if you work you can’t pick them up at 12:30 pm). Why are women proud of being martyrs? I chose to work partly because I could never (and would not be good at it) do what SAHMs do... I would Never be proud (or feel like) to have to do both things

I'm not a martyr. I just get shit done. If you need help, that's fine for you, but don't try to knock me down for being more capable. Or less susceptible to stress. Or more efficient. Or whatever it is that allows me to be happy and do more than you at the same time.

NP here. No one is knocking you. You are knocking others and you are in competition with others.

I am a SAHM and I do more than you - more relaxing and enjoying life with my DH and kids. And I proudly own it. I don't want your life, your work, your DH your kids or your envy.

Yep.

And I am not even a stay at home mom.

+2 that doesn't sound like anything to brag about to me...

And yes, if you were really so content with your life you would not be lashing out at strangers.

Hmmm that seems to be exactly what you all are doing. Perhaps take your own advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think one person has answered the question posed.

No, because SAHMs are really defensive. Blah, blah, blah...I do so much...whine whine whine.

Save it ladies, I do all the stuff you do and work 3/4 time. I take my kids to school and to their activities. I help them with their homework. I actually clean my own house. And I love my job. Lucky me.

I would not be proud of that. I work, but I have other people take care of my house, meals, pick up the kids from preschool (if you work you can’t pick them up at 12:30 pm). Why are women proud of being martyrs? I chose to work partly because I could never (and would not be good at it) do what SAHMs do... I would Never be proud (or feel like) to have to do both things

I'm not a martyr. I just get shit done. If you need help, that's fine for you, but don't try to knock me down for being more capable. Or less susceptible to stress. Or more efficient. Or whatever it is that allows me to be happy and do more than you at the same time.

NP here. No one is knocking you. You are knocking others and you are in competition with others.

I am a SAHM and I do more than you - more relaxing and enjoying life with my DH and kids. And I proudly own it. I don't want your life, your work, your DH your kids or your envy.

What's that old quote about protesting too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why send the kids away this week? Why not BE WITH them?

Why don't you share your inheritance? I shared my inheritance, so I'm not richer than my spouse.

Can you answer this, OP?

Not sure what you mean (this is OP, haven’t been on today, not sure who other posters are talking about but many women with personal net worth choose to work and especially in nonprofit environments - there are 2 in similar situations in my office alone. Also think some of you don’t understand the definition of troll.. ??)

I share with him in that I paid off his loans and bought the home we live in in cash in both our names (essentially giving him 500k). Our wills are detailed, but the inherited accounts would go largely to my children with him and my brother (who inherited an equal amount and manages it similarly) as co-trustees. It’s family money I didn’t earn and if something happened to me and he were to remarry etc, I’d want it to go to my children. He has no issue at all with that. Our salaries and dividends from inheritance are deposited into a joint account.

I actually didn’t need to know the details of your finances. Just why you didn’t get your kids when you were feeling guilty.

[Anonymous]

Do not feel guilty OP!

Enjoy your week & tell yourself that you truly deserve it.

The only thing that I see problematic in your post is it seems you may be doing a little tit for tat here.

[Anonymous]

Oops hit SEND too early.

(Continued......)
It sounds like you are keeping score between you + your husband.

Your focus is a little too much.
Lessen the focus between you & your husband and focus more on your children and all the joy they bring to both of your lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think one person has answered the question posed.

No, because SAHMs are really defensive. Blah, blah, blah...I do so much...whine whine whine.

Save it ladies, I do all the stuff you do and work 3/4 time. I take my kids to school and to their activities. I help them with their homework. I actually clean my own house. And I love my job. Lucky me.

I would not be proud of that. I work, but I have other people take care of my house, meals, pick up the kids from preschool (if you work you can’t pick them up at 12:30 pm). Why are women proud of being martyrs? I chose to work partly because I could never (and would not be good at it) do what SAHMs do... I would Never be proud (or feel like) to have to do both things

I'm not a martyr. I just get shit done. If you need help, that's fine for you, but don't try to knock me down for being more capable. Or less susceptible to stress. Or more efficient. Or whatever it is that allows me to be happy and do more than you at the sa

Oh dear, I am not trying to put you down. You were trying to put down SAHM by saying that you do all that they do and on top of that you “work”. Not sure how you can have a FT job andtake your kids to activities unless they have them at 5-6pm. Anyway, you were trying to put other people down by saying that you do it all and therefore you win. Personally, I would never trade your “abilities” for doing it all, but I am glad you enjoy it (most people would not)

I'm saying the SAHM moms are so defensive, that they try to justify their choice by intimating that a WOHM can't measure up in the mom dept. Don't tell me they don't.

And I said "Lucky me", not "I win". Interesting how many of you took it that way. Your own biases are showing. Don't put your nastiness on me.

I agree with PPs, you sound really unhappy and jealous. Maybe try relaxing a bit more, work out and look prettier and happier.

[Anonymous]

DH and I planned to take a 3 day trip in a few weeks and now he has to work because he didn’t put in vacation time when we booked (4 months ago). We prepaid for the trip and cannot cancel, so I am going without him. Greatly looking forward to it and won’t feel a bit of guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think one person has answered the question posed.

No, because SAHMs are really defensive. Blah, blah, blah...I do so much...whine whine whine.

Save it ladies, I do all the stuff you do and work 3/4 time. I take my kids to school and to their activities. I help them with their homework. I actually clean my own house. And I love my job. Lucky me.

I would not be proud of that. I work, but I have other people take care of my house, meals, pick up the kids from preschool (if you work you can’t pick them up at 12:30 pm). Why are women proud of being martyrs? I chose to work partly because I could never (and would not be good at it) do what SAHMs do... I would Never be proud (or feel like) to have to do both things

I'm not a martyr. I just get shit done. If you need help, that's fine for you, but don't try to knock me down for being more capable. Or less susceptible to stress. Or more efficient. Or whatever it is that allows me to be happy and do more than you at the sa

Oh dear, I am not trying to put you down. You were trying to put down SAHM by saying that you do all that they do and on top of that you “work”. Not sure how you can have a FT job andtake your kids to activities unless they have them at 5-6pm. Anyway, you were trying to put other people down by saying that you do it all and therefore you win. Personally, I would never trade your “abilities” for doing it all, but I am glad you enjoy it (most people would not)

I'm saying the SAHM moms are so defensive, that they try to justify their choice by intimating that a WOHM can't measure up in the mom dept. Don't tell me they don't.

And I said "Lucky me", not "I win". Interesting how many of you took it that way. Your own biases are showing. Don't put your nastiness on me.

What nastiness? The OP was talking to SAHMs and how they don’t feel guilty. This is very passive aggressive in my opinion. I did not read one single comment from a SAHM that said that a working mom is less of a mom than a sahm. Obviously most women that choose to stay at home will take care of the house and of the kids in ways that working moms like myself can’t (we all have 24 hours in a day and unless you work at nigh, you can’t possibly to both). You, on the other hand, WERE attacking SAHMs for absoloutely no reason. You are the one that comes out nasty and bitter... I work FT probably also because I hate cleaning, cooking, organizing, etc. if I could only spend quality time with my kid and have someone else do everything else, then I would stay at home.... and maybe if we win the lottery I will (though I love my job)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This week I've found myself feeling guilty that I can go to the pool and read, see friends, etc while DH is stuck at work.

Well why don't you get off your butt and go grocery shopping, take my car to get the oil changed, take the dog to the vet, pick up my dry cleaning, and go home and clean the house and cook dinner? And stop trying to compare yourself to a stay at home parent when you've outsourced your kids all day.

+1

+2.

+3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I planned to take a 3 day trip in a few weeks and now he has to work because he didn’t put in vacation time when we booked (4 months ago). We prepaid for the trip and cannot cancel, so I am going without him. Greatly looking forward to it and won’t feel a bit of guilt.

absolutely! enjoy your 3 days off.

does he usually lapse in doing things like that or just trying to please work so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from. Honestly, I think most of the people who jumped all over you are jealous. I've always said to my husband that I could never be a stay at home mom because I do think he'd start to resent me. I have male friends who bitch about their wives who stay at home spending their money and doing nothing all day, so this does in fact happen. I'm happy for all the people who have found the right balance that allows each parent to play to their strengths and have a solid marriage, but to act like there is no one out there who resents their spouse that doesn't work is ridiculous. OP, for this week, just kick back and enjoy yourself.

Sounds like married a crappy guy. Beta.

Thanks for your opinion on a topic about which you know nothing. My husband is an awesome guy, and it's ME (if you can read) who thinks he would start to resent me. So it's MY hangup, not his. And this is because, as I explained in the next sentence (if you read that far) that I have male friends who resent their stay at home wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why send the kids away this week? Why not BE WITH them?

Why don't you share your inheritance? I shared my inheritance, so I'm not richer than my spouse.

Can you answer this, OP?

Not sure what you mean (this is OP, haven’t been on today, not sure who other posters are talking about but many women with personal net worth choose to work and especially in nonprofit environments - there are 2 in similar situations in my office alone. Also think some of you don’t understand the definition of troll.. ??)

I share with him in that I paid off his loans and bought the home we live in in cash in both our names (essentially giving him 500k). Our wills are detailed, but the inherited accounts would go largely to my children with him and my brother (who inherited an equal amount and manages it similarly) as co-trustees. It’s family money I didn’t earn and if something happened to me and he were to remarry etc, I’d want it to go to my children. He has no issue at all with that. Our salaries and dividends from inheritance are deposited into a joint account.

So you are blessed to have a job that is really a hobby? And you think that working out of home rather than staying at home with your kids is a decision that everyone should make in similar situation to yours? The right decision, the not lazy decision? Me thinks you protest too much. You outsource all of your kids care, you outsource housekeeping. Are your kids truly better off this way? Maybe. I do know that this is really helping people you pay to help with your kids and chores, as they benefit from this income, to them there is no decision about SAH or not, they are grateful that you pay them so they can put food on their table. The high and mighty attitude shows how clueless you are about the reality of life and work for most people in the US and around the world. Very, very few people have the money to afford your lifestyle, and yet what you choose to do here is climb a pedestal and preach to the "masses." Maybe take a trip to a poor country and ask the mom who carries her baby on her back, and then goes to an ally to prostitute herself for food, is she proud to be a working mom. But she is a working mother I admire, that I have seen with my own eyes. You, on the other hand, I pity. Not because you work, not because you have money, but because of what your attitude is and the fact that with all that wealth you are utterly blind and deaf to even pause for a second and see why do you need to judge other people. To most people WOH or SAH is a choice made out of financial necessity, not privilege. You have no business telling anyone what they should feel guilty or not about, you literarily work for fun and have all the help you need to be lazy for this one week. When other working spouses have a week off, they have million chores to do, and can't laze around the pool and hence feel guilty.

This is hard to unpack, but I'll try, I guess, though it seems like a futile endeavor (this is OP).

1 - not sure what you mean by a 'hobby job.' My job is flexible and pays less than I could afford if I didn't have the inheritance, but I don't feel comfortable not working (example for my little kids, use of education my parents paid for, vast contribution to the world through my org's mission etc). If I didn't have this job, I'd get another one. Do you mean working but not out of financial necessity? I don't consider the inheritance my money to live off of, and I don't want my husband to shoulder all the income-producing as long as I'm an able-bodied adult. I'd also like to be able to pay for education / retirement etc for my children, or at least provide significantly towards it.

2 - Of course I see my privilege (though nursing my mother through cancer wasn't exactly a privilege). No one is comparing anyone to a young mother whoring herself i an alley to feed her baby....?

3 - I "outsource housekeeping?" I have deep cleaners once every two weeks, and that's it. My husband and I split all the laundry, meal prep, dishes, day-to-day cleaning, garbage, etc.

4 - Yes, my younger child is in full-time care, usually from about 8-5 daily. I work, so I need him cared for. Missing the issue there... ?? My older child is in elementary school and an hour of aftercare a day. He's obsessed with camp and would go there on weekends if he could. He's an active, normal 7 year old who wants to be playing sports with friends.

I was actually legitimately asking how people are able to relax in this situation. The responses that really fascinated me were those who said their husbands would work like this regardless of what they did - my husband is NOT that type (he's a work to live not live to work kind), so I didn't even think of it. I never said that I wasn't in a privileged position or wasn't very blessed in many aspects of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why send the kids away this week? Why not BE WITH them?

Why don't you share your inheritance? I shared my inheritance, so I'm not richer than my spouse.

Can you answer this, OP?

Not sure what you mean (this is OP, haven’t been on today, not sure who other posters are talking about but many women with personal net worth choose to work and especially in nonprofit environments - there are 2 in similar situations in my office alone. Also think some of you don’t understand the definition of troll.. ??)

I share with him in that I paid off his loans and bought the home we live in in cash in both our names (essentially giving him 500k). Our wills are detailed, but the inherited accounts would go largely to my children with him and my brother (who inherited an equal amount and manages it similarly) as co-trustees. It’s family money I didn’t earn and if something happened to me and he were to remarry etc, I’d want it to go to my children. He has no issue at all with that. Our salaries and dividends from inheritance are deposited into a joint account.

So you are blessed to have a job that is really a hobby? And you think that working out of home rather than staying at home with your kids is a decision that everyone should make in similar situation to yours? The right decision, the not lazy decision? Me thinks you protest too much. You outsource all of your kids care, you outsource housekeeping. Are your kids truly better off this way? Maybe. I do know that this is really helping people you pay to help with your kids and chores, as they benefit from this income, to them there is no decision about SAH or not, they are grateful that you pay them so they can put food on their table. The high and mighty attitude shows how clueless you are about the reality of life and work for most people in the US and around the world. Very, very few people have the money to afford your lifestyle, and yet what you choose to do here is climb a pedestal and preach to the "masses." Maybe take a trip to a poor country and ask the mom who carries her baby on her back, and then goes to an ally to prostitute herself for food, is she proud to be a working mom. But she is a working mother I admire, that I have seen with my own eyes. You, on the other hand, I pity. Not because you work, not because you have money, but because of what your attitude is and the fact that with all that wealth you are utterly blind and deaf to even pause for a second and see why do you need to judge other people. To most people WOH or SAH is a choice made out of financial necessity, not privilege. You have no business telling anyone what they should feel guilty or not about, you literarily work for fun and have all the help you need to be lazy for this one week. When other working spouses have a week off, they have million chores to do, and can't laze around the pool and hence feel guilty.

This is hard to unpack, but I'll try, I guess, though it seems like a futile endeavor (this is OP).

1 - not sure what you mean by a 'hobby job.' My job is flexible and pays less than I could afford if I didn't have the inheritance, but I don't feel comfortable not working (example for my little kids, use of education my parents paid for, vast contribution to the world through my org's mission etc). If I didn't have this job, I'd get another one. Do you mean working but not out of financial necessity? I don't consider the inheritance my money to live off of, and I don't want my husband to shoulder all the income-producing as long as I'm an able-bodied adult. I'd also like to be able to pay for education / retirement etc for my children, or at least provide significantly towards it.

2 - Of course I see my privilege (though nursing my mother through cancer wasn't exactly a privilege). No one is comparing anyone to a young mother whoring herself i an alley to feed her baby....?

3 - I "outsource housekeeping?" I have deep cleaners once every two weeks, and that's it. My husband and I split all the laundry, meal prep, dishes, day-to-day cleaning, garbage, etc.

4 - Yes, my younger child is in full-time care, usually from about 8-5 daily. I work, so I need him cared for. Missing the issue there... ?? My older child is in elementary school and an hour of aftercare a day. He's obsessed with camp and would go there on weekends if he could. He's an active, normal 7 year old who wants to be playing sports with friends.

I was actually legitimately asking how people are able to relax in this situation. The responses that really fascinated me were those who said their husbands would work like this regardless of what they did - my husband is NOT that type (he's a work to live not live to work kind), so I didn't even think of it. I never said that I wasn't in a privileged position or wasn't very blessed in many aspects of my life.

If I were you I would only feel Guilty about not spending much time with my kids and having the little one in full time day care. I also work FT and this is what I feel Guilty about. You should have spent time with your kid/s instead of going to the pool. I would never feel
Guilty about towards my DH for taking a week off...