How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has to "justify" anything to you. Most of us who have to work wouldn't choose to do so, at least not in the capacity that we currently do, if we could afford not to.

I can easily see how having a SAHP would be a huge blessing / benefit for the entire family and household. Get out of here with your drama

I was honestly asking, as some of my closest friends don't work, and I love and respect them. My mother didn't work, either. It's not drama to me. But I may have been expecting too much for a rational discussion here.

Guess I have to ask it this way - any other working moms feel this way? SAHMs too defensive.

?? Yikes. This is literally a question that cannot be asked to working moms. Does your job require much brainpower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are one judgemental, self righteous busybody...

+1

Why though? Seriously. This is OP, and no need to be defensive. I have no idea why I feel this way and others don't, and am curious. Not exactly something I can ask in real life.

Ok my honest answer is that my DH has a “big” job. He makes a lot of money, is very senior in his company and works decent hours generally, but if they say get on a plane tomorrow or finish this project, he does. He loves what he does and is very ambitious. He’d do this whether we were married or not, had kids or not. Some version of this is his dream job. So it’s the constant in our lives that I have to work around and accommodate. It’s easiest for me, a mom of 3, to accommodate it by not working.

Now if I had loved my job? I’d maybe have had more qualms about quitting. But I didn’t. So given the circumstances I have to work around...here we are.

He makes enough money that it really doesn’t matter if I spend the day hanging out by the pool or whatever.

Make sense?

[Anonymous]

It is kind of funny / strange living in an area where people have SUCH an inflated, false sense of self-importance

OP, stop trying to start drama. Go do something nice for your kids or your husband (or yourself!)

[Anonymous]

OP, you are making a false equivalency. You are home for one week but have all the supports in place for a WOH life - full day child care, an even split of household responsibilities with your spouse, a system for taking care of your house/life outside of daytime hours (whether that is house cleaners, lawn care people, etc.) I work part-time, but I don’t really have a lot of leisure time to go to the pool, read, have lunch with friends. I fill my time doing all the things my husband hates to do but I don’t really mind - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, mowing the lawn, managing the kid’s activities, driving them around, picking up the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. My DH does not mind that all these things are off his plate and I don’t mind that they are on mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are one judgemental, self righteous busybody...

+1

Why though? Seriously. This is OP, and no need to be defensive. I have no idea why I feel this way and others don't, and am curious. Not exactly something I can ask in real life.

Ok my honest answer is that my DH has a “big” job. He makes a lot of money, is very senior in his company and works decent hours generally, but if they say get on a plane tomorrow or finish this project, he does. He loves what he does and is very ambitious. He’d do this whether we were married or not, had kids or not. Some version of this is his dream job. So it’s the constant in our lives that I have to work around and accommodate. It’s easiest for me, a mom of 3, to accommodate it by not working.

Now if I had loved my job? I’d maybe have had more qualms about quitting. But I didn’t. So given the circumstances I have to work around...here we are.

He makes enough money that it really doesn’t matter if I spend the day hanging out by the pool or whatever.

Make sense?

This is OP and yes, absolutely, and thanks for your honesty! Does it not bother you because you know he'd work that way regardless, or because you don't need the money, or what? I'm actually trying to work out a way to NOT feel bad, especially because my personal net worth is pretty significant and his isn't, though I know I'm getting jumped all over here.

[Anonymous]

I'll tell you about my situation. We met, decided to have a baby before I turned 40. He had Master's and a good job, I was finishing up my BA and working part time. Had our baby and got my degree. DH trusted nobody with the kid, so I stayed home and worked around his schedule. I worked part time at nights and weekends, ca 25 hours. I'm not using my degree or concentrating on my career. I'm kind of stuck working around DH's schedule since he already has a good job. Don't I save a lot of money for our family by staying home? We never needed a nanny or a sitter.
Now I'm 4 years out of school and my degree is useless. Kid is staring school and I'm going back for Master's. I can start my "career" now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are making a false equivalency. You are home for one week but have all the supports in place for a WOH life - full day child care, an even split of household responsibilities with your spouse, a system for taking care of your house/life outside of daytime hours (whether that is house cleaners, lawn care people, etc.) I work part-time, but I don’t really have a lot of leisure time to go to the pool, read, have lunch with friends. I fill my time doing all the things my husband hates to do but I don’t really mind - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, mowing the lawn, managing the kid’s activities, driving them around, picking up the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc. My DH does not mind that all these things are off his plate and I don’t mind that they are on mine.

This makes sense! Maybe my job is flexible enough that I'm able to do all of those while working. I'm not being facetious.

[Anonymous]

That’s easy! What’s more important for your kids… quality time or money? Having a stay-at-home parent gives your kids a stable, healthy, home environment. I can’t quote any studies or statistics because I’m being too lazy to hunt for them, but I’m pretty sure if you did look it up they would show that households that commit to having a stay-at-home parent tend to raise kids that are a bit more self-confident and more emotionally stable than parents that both work and have the kids with a baby sitter or day care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are one judgemental, self righteous busybody...

+1

Why though? Seriously. This is OP, and no need to be defensive. I have no idea why I feel this way and others don't, and am curious. Not exactly something I can ask in real life.

Ok my honest answer is that my DH has a “big” job. He makes a lot of money, is very senior in his company and works decent hours generally, but if they say get on a plane tomorrow or finish this project, he does. He loves what he does and is very ambitious. He’d do this whether we were married or not, had kids or not. Some version of this is his dream job. So it’s the constant in our lives that I have to work around and accommodate. It’s easiest for me, a mom of 3, to accommodate it by not working.

Now if I had loved my job? I’d maybe have had more qualms about quitting. But I didn’t. So given the circumstances I have to work around...here we are.

He makes enough money that it really doesn’t matter if I spend the day hanging out by the pool or whatever.

Make sense?

This is OP and yes, absolutely, and thanks for your honesty! Does it not bother you because you know he'd work that way regardless, or because you don't need the money, or what? I'm actually trying to work out a way to NOT feel bad, especially because my personal net worth is pretty significant and his isn't, though I know I'm getting jumped all over here.

No it doesn’t bother me. We met in college and he’s always been like this. He’s the type who can’t sit still. He brings financial journals to the beach. His idea of “leisure time” is building furniture or doing home improvement projects at our house. He hates tv (except sports as background), movies, and novels. I of course love all of those things and often fill my free time with them, lol.

Plus I find intelligence and ambition to be attractive in a man. I can’t help it. I will admit his earning power makes him sexier to me.

[Anonymous]

My husband absolutely does NOT want to trade places with me. When the kids were little I was home with them all day; after even a few hours solo with them he would openly marvel that he could never do what I was doing. Now all but the youngest is in school, and he still would never want to trade places with me. He also sees the big benefits that our whole family enjoys as a result of having a stay at home parent.

He likes his job and likes that I'm there when the kids get home from school, likes that I'm able to take care of all the household "crap" so that he doesn't have to worry about it and can focus on other things (family, hobbies, relaxing) when he's not at work, likes that I'm not also constantly stressed / on deadlines and rushing around like he is, and the resultant calm / stability that our household enjoys as a result.

He makes enough that we do not need a second income, and all he really wants for me is that i'm happy. And, luckily, I am! It works well for us and that's kind of the end of the story.

And yes, the tone of your post is judgy and self righteous.

[Anonymous]

As a SAHM I can say it could be because he would rather have your kids raises by you two primarily and not a babysitter. It could be because the bond that is created between mother and child can be strength and nourished better in the home. It could be because the husband might believe that all the money earned will have to go to the babysitter. There are many reasons really. For us, it’s because we want one of us to always be available for our kiddos and we don’t want others to raise them. The time we have with them is so short and so precious. It feels like having us both working outside the home all the time just takes away from that time we have to be with our kids before they are grown and on there own. May you be guided to do what’s best for you and yours. God bless you OP.

~A SAHM from the south

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s easy! What’s more important for your kids… quality time or money? Having a stay-at-home parent gives your kids a stable, healthy, home environment. I can’t quote any studies or statistics because I’m being too lazy to hunt for them, but I’m pretty sure if you did look it up they would show that households that commit to having a stay-at-home parent tend to raise kids that are a bit more self-confident and more emotionally stable than parents that both work and have the kids with a baby sitter or day care.

Err... that's actually false.

https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-of-working-moms-grow-into-happy-adults

In 2015, preliminary results of a groundbreaking study found that the daughters of employed mothers often perform better in their eventual careers than the daughters of stay-at-home moms.

Now the full study has been released, and it brings even more good news for the children of working moms: They wind up just as happy in adulthood as the children of moms who stayed home.

Adult daughters whose moms worked outside the home are more likely to work themselves, hold more supervisory responsibilities, and earn higher wages than women whose mothers stayed home full time.

Sons may be influenced by their working mothers, the study suggests. They spend an extra 50 minutes each week caring for family members.

Sons are influenced in other ways when their moms work. The sons of employed mothers hold significantly more egalitarian gender attitudes—even more so than the daughters of stay-at-home moms.

Both sons and daughters of employed mothers have significantly more education than children of mothers who are not employed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This week I've found myself feeling guilty that I can go to the pool and read, see friends, etc while DH is stuck at work.

Well why don't you get off your butt and go grocery shopping, take my car to get the oil changed, take the dog to the vet, pick up my dry cleaning, and go home and clean the house and cook dinner? And stop trying to compare yourself to a stay at home parent when you've outsourced your kids all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s easy! What’s more important for your kids… quality time or money? Having a stay-at-home parent gives your kids a stable, healthy, home environment. I can’t quote any studies or statistics because I’m being too lazy to hunt for them, but I’m pretty sure if you did look it up they would show that households that commit to having a stay-at-home parent tend to raise kids that are a bit more self-confident and more emotionally stable than parents that both work and have the kids with a baby sitter or day care.

+1 million. If you have older kids you will find that being there for them after school is just as important

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think for a lot of people, there is (a lot) more to life than money. It seems hard for some to grasp, but the people in your life have value beyond what money they do (or do not) make.

This. If one person makes enough for family, the other person doesn’t need to. Plus DH hates shopping, and scheduling things, and organizing and all the things I do when the kids are at school. He does not resent me because I have a few hours of free time each day. Our life runs smoothly.