How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced

[Anonymous]

Change locks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dh should talk to them tonight, and tell them that's not okay. He doesn't have to get mad, but he should make the boundary clear.

I'd change the locks so it doesn't happen again, and then just hide a key in one of those fake rock things so it will be available in an emergency.

This right here.

They arrived 6 hours early? That is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was creepy. Your mistake was saying anything beyond

"What a surprise! make yourself at home, but I have to get back to work now. I'll see you later."

Don't let them pick the kids up early. Just leave them as if they weren't there. Don't reward this.

Changing the locks is expensive, so I wouldn't do it so fast. At dinner, after the work day, you and your husband ask them point blank why they showed up so early and ask them not to do so without calling ahead.

TBH, I know I seemed stunned, because I was--and I have no poker face. I think they felt awkward as I stopped working to rush to finish the guest room while they got some tea. I also immediately went back to work, and turned down the daycare pickup offer (I did explain about not wanting to interrupt nap, but maybe later).

I'm sure DH will talk to them later, but I want to get on the same page with him first about what he'll say. I just feel very awkward about this visit now, which is a shame, because we usually get on very well.

Well, if you usually get along very well, then... "Hey mom, we're really happy you are here and you are always welcome, but please call ahead with a "heads up" if you are going to be early like this. Telecommuting is still working, so Darla really counts on not being interrupted."


They probably didn't realize that picking up the kids early isn't helpful but a hindrance.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the whole thread, but in your shoes I'd have your husband say casually, but clearly, "Hey, in the future be sure to give us a heads up that you're arriving, ok?"

And if they do it again you either reiterate more strongly that they can't just arrive unannounced or you find a reason to change the locks.

I'm thinking about going to one of those electronic, programmable locks so that I can enable or disable access for just this reason.

[Anonymous]

Have DH talk to them. I can definitely see why you were startled, and taken aback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Overreacting. They didn't show up without your knowledge or permission. You invited them and they came early. That is a big difference. It may be rude, that's certainly arguable, but it's not a major boundary overstep.

I get that it has disrupted your day - I don't like unexpected people in my space either - but there is no reason to make a big deal of this.

It's actually not "arguable" whether or not it is rude to enter someone's house without their express knowledge or permission: it's incredibly rude and presumptuous. I guarantee if OP wrote in to Carolyn Hax or Miss Manners or Emily Post or whomever, they would agree.

If you give someone a key and say "feel free to drop by any time," then cool. That's fine. But if you give them a key *for emergencies* or a specific purpose, then you should only use it for an emergency or for that specified purpose. If you want to enter their house for any other reason, you absolutely must call or text FIRST.

[Anonymous]

They were scheduled to arrive today. They arrived early. If you were them, you drive up, and notice no one at home (OP mentioned the car was in the garage) and usually OP is at work all day. So did they really need to call in advance before using a key to enter their son and DIL's house, when they assumed no one was at home?

[Anonymous]

Op - despite the range of reactions, I am completely with you. I would have been startled and annoyed and would absolutely want my DH to have a conversation to make sure it didn't happen again. For me, it would be fine if they felt for traffic, for health, for whatever reason that they wanted to come early but not without a heads-up to you and your DH.

I also think it's really weird that they didn't fall all over themselves apologizing and explaining why they were there early when they bumped into you as they let themselves in. Do you think there was some kind of miscommunication with them and your DH on their plans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They were scheduled to arrive today. They arrived early. If you were them, you drive up, and notice no one at home (OP mentioned the car was in the garage) and usually OP is at work all day. So did they really need to call in advance before using a key to enter their son and DIL's house, when they assumed no one was at home?

Yes! They clearly planned to arrive early. This wasn’t an accidental heart arrival. They arrived earlier than the trip is long. They should’ve called and given them a heads up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They were scheduled to arrive today. They arrived early. If you were them, you drive up, and notice no one at home (OP mentioned the car was in the garage) and usually OP is at work all day. So did they really need to call in advance before using a key to enter their son and DIL's house, when they assumed no one was at home?

Um, YES. On account of IT IS NOT THEIR HOUSE. And on account of the fact that they key they were given was only for emergencies, and for one specific purpose (watching older child while parents were at the hospital).

Think of it this way--if you gave your college-age son a credit card for emergencies only, does he need to call you first when he decides to use that card for any reason other than an emergency? YES.

[Anonymous]

They should have at least rang the doorbell. Just coming in is strange. My parents have a key to my house, and even if I’m expecting them they ring the doorbell first.

[Anonymous]

You are totally overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They were scheduled to arrive today. They arrived early. If you were them, you drive up, and notice no one at home (OP mentioned the car was in the garage) and usually OP is at work all day. So did they really need to call in advance before using a key to enter their son and DIL's house, when they assumed no one was at home?

Um, YES. On account of IT IS NOT THEIR HOUSE. And on account of the fact that they key they were given was only for emergencies, and for one specific purpose (watching older child while parents were at the hospital).

Think of it this way--if you gave your college-age son a credit card for emergencies only, does he need to call you first when he decides to use that card for any reason other than an emergency? YES.

+1. You don't just walk into someone else's house, using a key you were given for a specific emergency purpose. Some families who live near each other have this dynamic, but it is clear that OP's family does not, and that's perfectly normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are totally overreacting.

No, she's not. My ILs and parents would never do this without calling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They were scheduled to arrive today. They arrived early. If you were them, you drive up, and notice no one at home (OP mentioned the car was in the garage) and usually OP is at work all day. So did they really need to call in advance before using a key to enter their son and DIL's house, when they assumed no one was at home?

Of course. Unless Grandpa was about to poop his pants they could take the 1 min to call their own son about the change in plans.