How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop and take a deep breath. You're overreacting. Consider yourself blessed you have ILs who get along well with your children, and are willing to make a 4-hour drive just to see them. A lot of us aren't so lucky.

Yes, it's an inconvenience, but minor at most. Do you think they had something malicious planned by showing up early? Were they going to binge-watch Netflix on your big TV or bake endless cookies for their grandchildren? Make use of your large clothes washer to run a few loads?

I doubt it. It's probably a simple reason they showed up earlier than planned, and with perfectly good intent.

It's rude, plain and simple. There is absolutely NO good reason why they wouldn't call or text to say they were arriving early.

OP was startled. That's no way for someone to feel in their own house when it could have been avoided by a simple phone call.

[Anonymous]

Wouldn't bother me one damn bit. And the offer to get the guest room ready, pick up the kids ? Hell yeah.

These are your in laws, OTHER parents, not strangers. My mother would have checked out the food supply then would have gone shopping. Mayve even cooked. My MIL would have brought cooked food.

I can't believe you or any one else is offended by this. But go ahead and make a stink, see how far you can go to truly offend them.

Another question, what's really your problem ? What are you hiding ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't bother me one damn bit. And the offer to get the guest room ready, pick up the kids ? Hell yeah.

These are your in laws, OTHER parents, not strangers. My mother would have checked out the food supply then would have gone shopping. Mayve even cooked. My MIL would have brought cooked food.

I can't believe you or any one else is offended by this. But go ahead and make a stink, see how far you can go to truly offend them.

Another question, what's really your problem ? What are you hiding ?

You are so rude. She's not hiding anything! She doesn't like people coming in to her house unannounced! What is so hard to understand about this? My parents have a key, but if they were going to use it, they would have called or texted and said - hey, we are getting into town a bit early. is it ok if we come to your house? should we just let ourselves in or wait for you?" Easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't bother me one damn bit. And the offer to get the guest room ready, pick up the kids ? Hell yeah.

These are your in laws, OTHER parents, not strangers. My mother would have checked out the food supply then would have gone shopping. Mayve even cooked. My MIL would have brought cooked food.

I can't believe you or any one else is offended by this. But go ahead and make a stink, see how far you can go to truly offend them.

Another question, what's really your problem ? What are you hiding ?

NP. And many of us have family who will arrive early and wonder why we're not waiting on them hand and foot. What difference does either experience make? OP had a plan and she's allowed to be annoyed by this.

[Anonymous]

The concept wouldn't bother me, but the execution would - hearing a key in my door would have given me a heart attack - and I'd be wondering who was coming home at that hour other than my husband that I knew was at work.

I honestly would install an alarm system and change the locks. Casually tomorrow mention that you are installing an alarm system. Then also change the locks. . . and if it happens again, they can just go to Trader Joe's when they can't get in. . . .

I'd probably avoid the incident all together -BUT DH could come home and play totally stupid - MOM DAD you said you were coming at 5 PM! Sally said she heard a key in the lock and almost had a heart attack- what happened? So unlike you. . .and get the full story .. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't bother me one damn bit. And the offer to get the guest room ready, pick up the kids ? Hell yeah.

These are your in laws, OTHER parents, not strangers. My mother would have checked out the food supply then would have gone shopping. Mayve even cooked. My MIL would have brought cooked food.

I can't believe you or any one else is offended by this. But go ahead and make a stink, see how far you can go to truly offend them.

Another question, what's really your problem ? What are you hiding ?

NP here. What is your damage? OP was startled. She wasn't expecting anyone to barge in. Her husband thought it was "weird." Because it IS weird. Not the early arrival, but the lack of a call or text. How odd that you would think it's OK to go into someone's house without their knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Op. I would feel the same way as you. There was no reason they couldn't call or text as a courtesy to let you or your DH know they would be arriving much earlier than planned. However, to keep the peace, I think this is something DH will have to address.

Same. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my own parents (who live five hours away) coming into our home without our knowledge, much less in-laws (who live 30 minutes away). I know DH feels the same. Same with my parents' home - they gave me keys, but I don't feel comfortable arriving and letting myself in unless we've previously made an arrangement.

[Anonymous]

I have a key to my sister's place, but there is no way I would ever use that key without her knowledge, unless there was an emergency. That is rude, and there is no excuse for it: take two seconds to send a text, at the very least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dh should talk to them tonight, and tell them that's not okay. He doesn't have to get mad, but he should make the boundary clear.

I'd change the locks so it doesn't happen again, and then just hide a key in one of those fake rock things so it will be available in an emergency.

+1

[Anonymous]

Overreacting. They didn't show up without your knowledge or permission. You invited them and they came early. That is a big difference. It may be rude, that's certainly arguable, but it's not a major boundary overstep.

I get that it has disrupted your day - I don't like unexpected people in my space either - but there is no reason to make a big deal of this.

[Anonymous]

OP, serious question-do you own a gun? I ask because if so, then my explanation would be that you're afraid that you're afraid someone could get hurt if you're not expecting anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Overreacting. They didn't show up without your knowledge or permission. You invited them and they came early. That is a big difference. It may be rude, that's certainly arguable, but it's not a major boundary overstep.

I get that it has disrupted your day - I don't like unexpected people in my space either - but there is no reason to make a big deal of this.

Um, they were supposed to arrive in the evening and their son was getting off work early to be home in time to open the door and greet them. No key necessary. Ding-dong, they're here, open the door.

The key was given in case of emergencies, and for the purpose of child care during a hospital visit. That's it. Grandpa had to poop is not an emergency--if he wanted to poop at his son's house instead of a McDonald's he could have picked up the phone and called.

It IS a major boundary overstep.

[Anonymous]

My in laws and parents let themselves in - but I always know they are coming. I work from home and so they assume I’m on a call and will come out to greet then when it is convenient. My parents assume we are playing with kids, changing a diaper, etc. and don’t expect us to stop and answer the door.
I don’t think this is a big deal. You knew they were coming that day. It’s highly unlikely they would drive 4 hours to snoop in your house when you were not home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Overreacting. They live 4 hours away -- that's as far as Pittsburgh. Being old people, they are probably worried about the traffic and also any weather along the way.

Do you expect them to be able to time a 4-hour drive so they arrive at 5pm? You're asking them to do half their trip during rush hour!

OP here. Around dinner time is when they prefer to arrive at our house for visits. They like to take their time on the trip (they have a favorite lunch place along the way) and like to go to TJ's, etc. I would have had no problem at all if they said that noon or so works best, even if DH and I weren't home. Whenever they want to arrive is fine, just no reason at all not to discuss that with us when the plans were made. The timing is not an issue for me, at all. It's the lack of communication and common courtesy. I would never enter someone else's house without their knowledge and permission, unless it was truly an emergency situation.[/quote]

"I'm so happy to see you! You did catch me off guard, I would have loved a heads up text." Drama over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Overreacting. They live 4 hours away -- that's as far as Pittsburgh. Being old people, they are probably worried about the traffic and also any weather along the way.

Do you expect them to be able to time a 4-hour drive so they arrive at 5pm? You're asking them to do half their trip during rush hour!

OP here. Around dinner time is when they prefer to arrive at our house for visits. They like to take their time on the trip (they have a favorite lunch place along the way) and like to go to TJ's, etc. I would have had no problem at all if they said that noon or so works best, even if DH and I weren't home. Whenever they want to arrive is fine, just no reason at all not to discuss that with us when the plans were made. The timing is not an issue for me, at all. It's the lack of communication and common courtesy. I would never enter someone else's house without their knowledge and permission, unless it was truly an emergency situation.[/quote]

"I'm so happy to see you! You did catch me off guard, I would have loved a heads up text." Drama over.

Yeah, easy to craft the perfect response from behind a computer screen, after the fact. Most of us can't think that fast after being startled, in an awkward situation! OP, your deer-in-headlights moment was understandable. You did the best you could.

DH needs to make it clear to his parents that this is not OK. If they are going to arrive earlier than expected, they need to call or text.