How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced

[Anonymous]

Different people have different things that bother them. My mom comes in my house all the time, to read to my son, or play with him, clean? his room (I don't mind that at all. He helps and they are having fun, so why bother them), pick him up to take him places (if he's suddenly not home, I know he's with her. She may or may not text me). I just go with the flow. When we're out of town during the summer she feeds our dog and cat, and if she feels like remodeling the house, she does that, too. She's quite handy with tools. I came back last year and my downstairs looked totally different. It gives her something to do now that she's retired, and? it doesn't bother me. I'm really chill about things, so my in-laws walking in my house wouldn't phase me at all.

[Anonymous]

My MIL actually made a key to our house without asking permission first. We had loaned her a key when she was babysitting our kids, and she went to a locksmith and had a copy made. Talk about nerve!

It’s time to change the locks and have a discussion about boundaries. When your child is married with a family of his/her own, you don’t get to do this.

Yes. I’ve been at home when she walks in unannounced.

PP is right - it’s an intentional boundary stomp. She thinks she’s entitled and in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd agree with OP if they lived a half-hour away in the area, but they were making a 4-hour drive. That's a long trip, especially for older people.

OK, cool, but answer me this:

1) Why didn't they call or text to notify the owners of the house if they were going to show up several hours early?

2) When they were making plans to start with, why didn't they say, "Because of traffic, it's better for us to arrive around lunch time. Is it OK if we let ourselves in?"

Well my in-laws can't text, and have a cellphone they keep off all the time (not kidding) and turn to make a call but can't figure out the time. They're sort of incapable of calling en route.

But more importantly, I see nothing sinister in this. They're family, they're trusted, and they arrived early. Maybe their plans changed en route. Maybe traffic was better than expected.

The focus seems to be so much on OP being minorly inconvenienced. I agree it's an inconvenience, but so is life and so is family. Is OP going to complain when a family member gets seriously ill and OP has to take a day off work to help them out?

OP here and you are way off. I actually have taken DH's aunt to chemo on multiple occasions, because he had a work conflict and she lives closer to us than to her brother (my ILs).

Life happens and emergencies happen. There is no reason why anyone needs to use the key to my home without my knowledge unless there is a true emergency. A simple call to say they were early would have made this all fine. What an odd leap for you to make--I didn't like being startled and caught off guard, so I won't help a sick family member? Unbelievable, even by DCUM standards.

So.. why didn't they call? You haven't stated that. THey dont' know how to use their phone? They have secret plans to lounge in your house before you get back from work? I really don't think it was sinister at all, but you seem to be treating it as this huge crossing of boundaries.

I was startled in my home today, for no reason.

I was distracted from my work today, for no reason.

I was unable to finish preparing for guests before they arrived today, for no reason.

I don't think they were there to go through my underwear drawer, but I didn't like it, and I'm going to ask DH to talk to them tonight, because I don't want it to happen again.

OP, I completely agree. I work from home most of the time, and would have the same reaction. After my family leaves for school and work, I am in work mode until 5:30-6PM. Unplanned interruptions do not work for me, any more than they work for in-office workers.

I wonder how many of the DCUM people saying "it's fine, it's fine" would have the same reaction if their parents showed up at their workplace mid-day?

[Anonymous]

SEE I would have just said Mom don’t come in with out calling. I might have been knocking susie on the coffee table. That will stop this dead.



Op just change your locks and don’t discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Personally, since you haven't offered any other explanation, I'm blaming your DH. I bet he knew they would arrive earlier and forgot to tell you and now doesn't want to admit it.

You said they were surprised you were home, so it's a no-brainer to me that they just used their key. They got used to doing that during the time they came and went while helping take care of your newborn, so they just did the natural thing again.

The only weirdness is that the arrival time was so off what they said they were doing, so it seems that's what you thought they had planned but not what was the plan at all. That just seems like a simple miscommunication issue. Why would they call or text if they were doing what they thought was arranged all along?

I wouldn't suppose anything suspicious or malicious about what they did. Seems like someone forgot they spoke about something, or maybe just your ILs themselves thought they had said something but in reality didn't realize they forgot to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are totally overreacting.

No, she's not. My ILs and parents would never do this without calling.

+1 she can't possibly be overreacting because she was pleasant in the moment and is now seeking advice on how to handle something that didn't sit well. I think she's acting like a grown up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the replies.

My husband talked to them last night. They immediately said they were sorry to have startled me, offered to give the key back, etc. DH told them to keep the key in case of emergencies, but that they absolutely need to call first if plans change in the future. He also said if a different arrival time works better for future visits, that's fine, we just need to know.

The only weird thing is, they never explained why they arrived so early. DH didn't seem to push the issue, which is fine, but I am still wondering why they came several hours early. But it's fine, it's all settled, so we're moving on.

[Anonymous]

If I was not expecting a visit, yes, totally unreasonable. Driving from out of state? Eh ok. Maybe ask for heads up next time. My parents give me multiple EtAs usually always later, never earlier than expected. One day they came a day earlier but they let me know on the way.

BIL once let himself in to pick up his items in our basement. Totally unacceptable. I had no idea he was coming and he brought his girlfriend. He thought it was the same as going to their moms house. DH had a talk with him and it never happened again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the replies.

My husband talked to them last night. They immediately said they were sorry to have startled me, offered to give the key back, etc. DH told them to keep the key in case of emergencies, but that they absolutely need to call first if plans change in the future. He also said if a different arrival time works better for future visits, that's fine, we just need to know.

The only weird thing is, they never explained why they arrived so early. DH didn't seem to push the issue, which is fine, but I am still wondering why they came several hours early. But it's fine, it's all settled, so we're moving on.

Maybe they made good time or weren’t hungry to stop. Don’t think they need an explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the replies.

My husband talked to them last night. They immediately said they were sorry to have startled me, offered to give the key back, etc. DH told them to keep the key in case of emergencies, but that they absolutely need to call first if plans change in the future. He also said if a different arrival time works better for future visits, that's fine, we just need to know.

The only weird thing is, they never explained why they arrived so early. DH didn't seem to push the issue, which is fine, but I am still wondering why they came several hours early. But it's fine, it's all settled, so we're moving on.

Maybe they made good time or weren’t hungry to stop. Don’t think they need an explanation.

Yeah, that's all fine and good...but they should have taken a few moments to simply call or text their son with that update. It is completely odd and inappropriate that they let themselves in without notifying the owners of the house, when a plan had been made for an evening arrival.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the replies.

My husband talked to them last night. They immediately said they were sorry to have startled me, offered to give the key back, etc. DH told them to keep the key in case of emergencies, but that they absolutely need to call first if plans change in the future. He also said if a different arrival time works better for future visits, that's fine, we just need to know.

The only weird thing is, they never explained why they arrived so early. DH didn't seem to push the issue, which is fine, but I am still wondering why they came several hours early. But it's fine, it's all settled, so we're moving on.

Seems like they're apologetic and it was a one-time thing and everything's good. I wouldn't worry about their reasons for being early.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad it's water under the bridge now. But yes, I understand the irritation. When I'm alone at home I sometimes get showered and walk around naked. I'd be pissed if some (even if beloved) relative just walked right in. That's why you always call or text en route if it looks like you'll arrive much earlier than expected. It's common courtesy.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I am very, very surprised by the posters who don't think this is rude or problematic. It's so disrespectful to enter someone's home without knocking and without their knowledge, even if you have a key. I agree that it is common courtesy to communicate with your hosts if you are going to arrive early.

[Anonymous]

DH here. my side of of the family is vary casual and walking into each other homes/close family is normal

When DW and I were newly married my parents would always show up early. like hours upon hours early for their visits.

and I can understand that driving up from Florida its not alwasy a 16 hour drive. but is NEVER a 13 hour drive. which means they were leaving much earlier than they told us.

DW hated it. I was meh not a big deal...
but happy wife=happy life I had to sit down with day and say look. I know mom wants to be here to spend as uch time as she can with larla. but showing up 3-4 hours early kills DW as we are both trying to do the last minute cleaning dusting, ect...and we know hw judgemental mom can be on how clean the place is...

problem solved...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. my side of of the family is vary casual and walking into each other homes/close family is normal

When DW and I were newly married my parents would always show up early. like hours upon hours early for their visits.

and I can understand that driving up from Florida its not alwasy a 16 hour drive. but is NEVER a 13 hour drive. which means they were leaving much earlier than they told us.

DW hated it. I was meh not a big deal...
but happy wife=happy life I had to sit down with day and say look. I know mom wants to be here to spend as uch time as she can with larla. but showing up 3-4 hours early kills DW as we are both trying to do the last minute cleaning dusting, ect...and we know hw judgemental mom can be on how clean the place is...

problem solved...

There's a good husband!