How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd agree with OP if they lived a half-hour away in the area, but they were making a 4-hour drive. That's a long trip, especially for older people.

OK, cool, but answer me this:

1) Why didn't they call or text to notify the owners of the house if they were going to show up several hours early?

2) When they were making plans to start with, why didn't they say, "Because of traffic, it's better for us to arrive around lunch time. Is it OK if we let ourselves in?"

and also, knocking is always a good idea!

[Anonymous]

If this is the first time it has happened, I'd let it go.

Otherwise I might say that they should call ahead since you scare easily when you hear someone coming into the house or if there is someone in the house when you come home and you live in the city and your neighbors might be alarmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd agree with OP if they lived a half-hour away in the area, but they were making a 4-hour drive. That's a long trip, especially for older people.

OK, cool, but answer me this:

1) Why didn't they call or text to notify the owners of the house if they were going to show up several hours early?

2) When they were making plans to start with, why didn't they say, "Because of traffic, it's better for us to arrive around lunch time. Is it OK if we let ourselves in?"

Well my in-laws can't text, and have a cellphone they keep off all the time (not kidding) and turn to make a call but can't figure out the time. They're sort of incapable of calling en route.

But more importantly, I see nothing sinister in this. They're family, they're trusted, and they arrived early. Maybe their plans changed en route. Maybe traffic was better than expected.

The focus seems to be so much on OP being minorly inconvenienced. I agree it's an inconvenience, but so is life and so is family. Is OP going to complain when a family member gets seriously ill and OP has to take a day off work to help them out?

OP here and you are way off. I actually have taken DH's aunt to chemo on multiple occasions, because he had a work conflict and she lives closer to us than to her brother (my ILs).

Life happens and emergencies happen. There is no reason why anyone needs to use the key to my home without my knowledge unless there is a true emergency. A simple call to say they were early would have made this all fine. What an odd leap for you to make--I didn't like being startled and caught off guard, so I won't help a sick family member? Unbelievable, even by DCUM standards.

So.. why didn't they call? You haven't stated that. THey dont' know how to use their phone? They have secret plans to lounge in your house before you get back from work? I really don't think it was sinister at all, but you seem to be treating it as this huge crossing of boundaries.

I was startled in my home today, for no reason.

I was distracted from my work today, for no reason.

I was unable to finish preparing for guests before they arrived today, for no reason.

I don't think they were there to go through my underwear drawer, but I didn't like it, and I'm going to ask DH to talk to them tonight, because I don't want it to happen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop and take a deep breath. You're overreacting. Consider yourself blessed you have ILs who get along well with your children, and are willing to make a 4-hour drive just to see them. A lot of us aren't so lucky.

Yes, it's an inconvenience, but minor at most. Do you think they had something malicious planned by showing up early? Were they going to binge-watch Netflix on your big TV or bake endless cookies for their grandchildren? Make use of your large clothes washer to run a few loads?

I doubt it. It's probably a simple reason they showed up earlier than planned, and with perfectly good intent.

This. Just have your husband tell them that you were really surprised, and that if they think they are going to arrive early, they should call or text you guys so you are prepared.

Thinking that they are in the habit of driving four hours just to let themselves into your house is silly.

[Anonymous]

The fact that there is such a wide range of responses should give the "IT'S FINE!" people pause. Clearly, people respond to the use of a key without permission differently. At least knock, people. Call ahead!

Communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes, you are right. It's easy after the fact but I don't see how you can't go back and say that a few hours later, either the dil or the son.

Don't be silly. When DH is home, kids are in bed, he talks to them briefly. "You startled Karen today when you came early and let yourselves in. Please call or text if you are planning on using the key. We gave it to you only for emergencies."

Sorry! I misread. I thought you said "I don't see how you CAN go back and say that a few hours later."

After I read your first response I was going to reply that we were saying the same thing

[Anonymous]

I’m curious if all the people who are ok with the inlaws letting themselves in without giving their son and dil a heads up first would do this to someone whose key they possess. If you had your adult child and their family’s house key, would you let yourself in for a few hours without notifying them first? What if you had the neighbor’s key and you needed to borrow some sugar for a special dessert and you didnt have time to run to the store, but the neighbor isn’t home? You’re obviously close if you have their key, right? Where’s the line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious if all the people who are ok with the inlaws letting themselves in without giving their son and dil a heads up first would do this to someone whose key they possess. If you had your adult child and their family’s house key, would you let yourself in for a few hours without notifying them first? What if you had the neighbor’s key and you needed to borrow some sugar for a special dessert and you didnt have time to run to the store, but the neighbor isn’t home? You’re obviously close if you have their key, right? Where’s the line?

Oh, no, no. It's DCUM! We have two sets of rules: one for how polite, well-mannered adults should and should not behave, and one for IT'S FAMILY!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, serious question-do you own a gun? I ask because if so, then my explanation would be that you're afraid that you're afraid someone could get hurt if you're not expecting anyone.

+1

NP here. I thought the same thing.

We don’t own a gun, but I’d tell them we did and that they might get accidentally shot if I thought I were getting burglarized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Overreacting. They didn't show up without your knowledge or permission. You invited them and they came early. That is a big difference. It may be rude, that's certainly arguable, but it's not a major boundary overstep.

I get that it has disrupted your day - I don't like unexpected people in my space either - but there is no reason to make a big deal of this.

Um, they were supposed to arrive in the evening and their son was getting off work early to be home in time to open the door and greet them. No key necessary. Ding-dong, they're here, open the door.

The key was given in case of emergencies, and for the purpose of child care during a hospital visit. That's it. Grandpa had to poop is not an emergency--if he wanted to poop at his son's house instead of a McDonald's he could have picked up the phone and called.

It IS a major boundary overstep.

I agree.

I'd install an alarm system (they are good for so many reasons) and THAT would wake them up the next time they barge into the home!

[Anonymous]

My parents live down the street and are always borrowing things or letting our dog out while we're at work. They still always text me before they go in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes, you are right. It's easy after the fact but I don't see how you can't go back and say that a few hours later, either the dil or the son.

Don't be silly. When DH is home, kids are in bed, he talks to them briefly. "You startled Karen today when you came early and let yourselves in. Please call or text if you are planning on using the key. We gave it to you only for emergencies."

This exactly. Say this exactly. (ok, he can use your real name, OP). But seriously, no need to make it a federal case, but still - say the limit.

Then how they react will tell whether OP and husband will want to change locks or install an alarm system. (I'd go with the alarm system) Parents who get all huffy and say "well, we have a key, don't know why we can't use it" is one thing (and triggers at least door locks being changed, and/or alarm system install). The other is "oh, I got it, sorry, we weren't thinking it would bother you. we'll do it differently next time." means no alarm, no lock changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents live down the street and are always borrowing things or letting our dog out while we're at work. They still always text me before they go in.

Same with my parents and in laws.

[Anonymous]

Overreacting.

[Anonymous]

My parents used to do this (they live fifteen minutes away and often let themselves in to watch the kids while I was getting ready for work.) I asked them to please call ahead of time or ring the doorbell if they are coming and I'm not expecting them. They started to do so. That is all.