How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were my parents, I would tell them never to enter my home again without giving me advance warning because I find it creepy. I would expect my husband to tell his parents the same.

Same.

[Anonymous]

It was creepy. Your mistake was saying anything beyond

"What a surprise! make yourself at home, but I have to get back to work now. I'll see you later."

Don't let them pick the kids up early. Just leave them as if they weren't there. Don't reward this.

Changing the locks is expensive, so I wouldn't do it so fast. At dinner, after the work day, you and your husband ask them point blank why they showed up so early and ask them not to do so without calling ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Overreacting. They live 4 hours away -- that's as far as Pittsburgh. Being old people, they are probably worried about the traffic and also any weather along the way.

Do you expect them to be able to time a 4-hour drive so they arrive at 5pm? You're asking them to do half their trip during rush hour!

OP here. Around dinner time is when they prefer to arrive at our house for visits. They like to take their time on the trip (they have a favorite lunch place along the way) and like to go to TJ's, etc. I would have had no problem at all if they said that noon or so works best, even if DH and I weren't home. Whenever they want to arrive is fine, just no reason at all not to discuss that with us when the plans were made. The timing is not an issue for me, at all. It's the lack of communication and common courtesy. I would never enter someone else's house without their knowledge and permission, unless it was truly an emergency situation.

Did you ask them why they showed up so early then? It could be a reasonable explanation like they thought they were going to hit traffic, and made such good time that they decided to skip their lunch spot and just push through. Or maybe one of them is having incontinence/digestive problems and they wanted to get to a proper bathroom and a place to rest or whatever. Or they planned to stop at X shop but it's closed on Thursdays. Don't assume the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an overall good relationship with my ILs. They are helpful, kind, and great with my kids. A little nosy, a little invasive, a little free with unsolicited advice, but believe me--I know I have it really good in this department.

Here's a tricky one.

They live about 4 hours away. They do have a key, which we gave them in case of emergency and to facilitate them taking care of our then-2.5yo when I was in the hospital for the birth of our second baby. They have only ever used the key with our knowledge--or so, I thought before today.

They were scheduled to come this evening (around dinner time). I decided to work from home to finish prepping the guest room and doing dinner prep during my lunch break.

At about 11:30, I heard a key in the door! It was them. My car was in the garage, they had no idea I was home, and they simply let themselves in without calling me or my husband (I quickly texted him and said, "Did you know they were coming early/let themselves in?" He quickly replied "No...that's weird.")

They were surprised to see me. I explained that I hadn't finished getting the room ready, etc. My MIL offered to put the sheets on the bed, etc. I said, no, no, I'll just do that now. Why don't you have a snack.

So now all that's done, I'm back working in the office. And...here they are!

I trust them, I like them, but I'm not comfortable with this. Have they been in my house without my knowledge before? I am just unsettled. That key was expressly given for emergencies and for the birth of my second child, and they apparently feel they can just use it on a whim, never mind the arrangements that we agreed upon--that they would arrive around 5 p.m. DH is even getting off work early to be home by 5. Kids are in daycare right now, and they hinted that they could go get them, but I said no, I'm working and I don't want the distraction.

Am I overreacting? How do we talk to them about this? I don't want to go overboard, but I am honestly upset, and honestly wondering if they've been here before without my knowledge. In the past, if they arrived early, they would go to Trader Joe's or to go get coffee or something. Or so they've told me. Ugh. I just don't like this.

It's so outrageously inconsiderate. Time for boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I'd agree with OP if they lived a half-hour away in the area, but they were making a 4-hour drive. That's a long trip, especially for older people.

[Anonymous]

Change the locks. I put a code lock on my door. Kids never forget their key!

[Anonymous]

When my MIL showed up 5 hours early last fall, she texted me that she'd arrived in DC and would entertain herself until 5 and that we could get together as planned. It left the door open for me to say, "No! Just come right over!" or "That's great because I have appointments until 4:30!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was creepy. Your mistake was saying anything beyond

"What a surprise! make yourself at home, but I have to get back to work now. I'll see you later."

Don't let them pick the kids up early. Just leave them as if they weren't there. Don't reward this.

Changing the locks is expensive, so I wouldn't do it so fast. At dinner, after the work day, you and your husband ask them point blank why they showed up so early and ask them not to do so without calling ahead.

TBH, I know I seemed stunned, because I was--and I have no poker face. I think they felt awkward as I stopped working to rush to finish the guest room while they got some tea. I also immediately went back to work, and turned down the daycare pickup offer (I did explain about not wanting to interrupt nap, but maybe later).

I'm sure DH will talk to them later, but I want to get on the same page with him first about what he'll say. I just feel very awkward about this visit now, which is a shame, because we usually get on very well.

[Anonymous]

I would not like this at all! i would feel the same way as you - suspicious and creeped out. I would definitely have DH say something - maybe even when he comes home. He could act surprised that they were there and say wow, you must have startled Larla showing up like that! Next time, could you let us know if you are arriving early?" - something breezy and easy, but so that you state your concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Overreacting. They live 4 hours away -- that's as far as Pittsburgh. Being old people, they are probably worried about the traffic and also any weather along the way.

Do you expect them to be able to time a 4-hour drive so they arrive at 5pm? You're asking them to do half their trip during rush hour!

OP here. Around dinner time is when they prefer to arrive at our house for visits. They like to take their time on the trip (they have a favorite lunch place along the way) and like to go to TJ's, etc. I would have had no problem at all if they said that noon or so works best, even if DH and I weren't home. Whenever they want to arrive is fine, just no reason at all not to discuss that with us when the plans were made. The timing is not an issue for me, at all. It's the lack of communication and common courtesy. I would never enter someone else's house without their knowledge and permission, unless it was truly an emergency situation.

I think they should have rang They probably have a little too much time on their hands.

My ILs once showed up for a holiday dinner 1.5 early. I was wearing sweats and in the middle of cooking, getting out the good china etc. I said, oh, you’re here? They said DH said it was okay to come over early. He didn’t but it worked out. Just awkward and inconvenient.

[Anonymous]

It wouldn't bother me but might startle me if I was home when they got there, like you were. I would definitely have said something like, "Oh what a surprise I thought we'd said you wouldn't be here until the evening?" so that they would 1) get a chance to explain the early arrival, and 2) get a hint that I'd like a heads up when the timeline changes by so much.

To be clear, I'd want the heads up so I didn't procrastinate putting their room together/getting through my work for the day, but: I'd still want the heads up.

[Anonymous]

Stop and take a deep breath. You're overreacting. Consider yourself blessed you have ILs who get along well with your children, and are willing to make a 4-hour drive just to see them. A lot of us aren't so lucky.

Yes, it's an inconvenience, but minor at most. Do you think they had something malicious planned by showing up early? Were they going to binge-watch Netflix on your big TV or bake endless cookies for their grandchildren? Make use of your large clothes washer to run a few loads?

I doubt it. It's probably a simple reason they showed up earlier than planned, and with perfectly good intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd agree with OP if they lived a half-hour away in the area, but they were making a 4-hour drive. That's a long trip, especially for older people.

OK, cool, but answer me this:

1) Why didn't they call or text to notify the owners of the house if they were going to show up several hours early?

2) When they were making plans to start with, why didn't they say, "Because of traffic, it's better for us to arrive around lunch time. Is it OK if we let ourselves in?"

[Anonymous]

That would annoy me because that WAH day would be my last day of quiet alone time before guests arrive. Not sure I'd bother to address it, though, unless it was happening frequently.

[Anonymous]

This would bug me. I probably would have said "Wow, you startled me! You're lucky I didn't dial 911" in a joking, not joking, manner. Then next time they visit, I'd specifically ask, "What time do you think you'll be arriving?"