How to handle: ILs just let themselves in, unannounced

[Anonymous]

I have an overall good relationship with my ILs. They are helpful, kind, and great with my kids. A little nosy, a little invasive, a little free with unsolicited advice, but believe me--I know I have it really good in this department.

Here's a tricky one.

They live about 4 hours away. They do have a key, which we gave them in case of emergency and to facilitate them taking care of our then-2.5yo when I was in the hospital for the birth of our second baby. They have only ever used the key with our knowledge--or so, I thought before today.

They were scheduled to come this evening (around dinner time). I decided to work from home to finish prepping the guest room and doing dinner prep during my lunch break.

At about 11:30, I heard a key in the door! It was them. My car was in the garage, they had no idea I was home, and they simply let themselves in without calling me or my husband (I quickly texted him and said, "Did you know they were coming early/let themselves in?" He quickly replied "No...that's weird.")

They were surprised to see me. I explained that I hadn't finished getting the room ready, etc. My MIL offered to put the sheets on the bed, etc. I said, no, no, I'll just do that now. Why don't you have a snack.

So now all that's done, I'm back working in the office. And...here they are!

I trust them, I like them, but I'm not comfortable with this. Have they been in my house without my knowledge before? I am just unsettled. That key was expressly given for emergencies and for the birth of my second child, and they apparently feel they can just use it on a whim, never mind the arrangements that we agreed upon--that they would arrive around 5 p.m. DH is even getting off work early to be home by 5. Kids are in daycare right now, and they hinted that they could go get them, but I said no, I'm working and I don't want the distraction.

Am I overreacting? How do we talk to them about this? I don't want to go overboard, but I am honestly upset, and honestly wondering if they've been here before without my knowledge. In the past, if they arrived early, they would go to Trader Joe's or to go get coffee or something. Or so they've told me. Ugh. I just don't like this.

[Anonymous]

^^And before I get flamed, they asked about getting kids from daycare around 12:30, which is nap time for both my girls' whole rooms. I might let them get them at 3:30 or so when I know nap time will be over, and I know I'll have gotten enough work done that the distraction will be OK.

[Anonymous]

overreacting.

[Anonymous]

If it were my parents, I would tell them never to enter my home again without giving me advance warning because I find it creepy. I would expect my husband to tell his parents the same.

[Anonymous]

Your dh should talk to them tonight, and tell them that's not okay. He doesn't have to get mad, but he should make the boundary clear.

I'd change the locks so it doesn't happen again, and then just hide a key in one of those fake rock things so it will be available in an emergency.

[Anonymous]

One of them might have felt sick from that long drive and needed to lie down or a toilet. They may not want to tell you this. They probably feel bad that they surprised you and are trying to make up for it by picking up the kids for you. I'm sure it won't happen again, so I'd let this go and invent an errand for them to run for you, and later - send them to daycare and then to get ice cream. Or go out yourself if you need the space.

[Anonymous]

You obviously have different concepts of boundaries.

I know my parents would think nothing of doing this.
I know I would be welcome in their house any time.
My husband has the same lifestyle with his family.
None of us consulted each other on any of this.

Since they don't mean any harm, you don't want to make them feel unwelcome, so perhaps your husband could find a nice way of asking them to text or call first before coming.

[Anonymous]

Completely overreacting. You agree they're generally great people and you knew they were coming and they have a key. Not understanding why you'd make a huge deal out of this when they leave 4 hours away. It's not like they're popping over often and completely unannounced.

[Anonymous]

overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely overreacting. You agree they're generally great people and you knew they were coming and they have a key. Not understanding why you'd make a huge deal out of this when they leave 4 hours away. It's not like they're popping over often and completely unannounced.

this. dont make this a big deal

[Anonymous]

I'd just change the locks and not give them a key.

[Anonymous]

Hi Op. I would feel the same way as you. There was no reason they couldn't call or text as a courtesy to let you or your DH know they would be arriving much earlier than planned. However, to keep the peace, I think this is something DH will have to address.

[Anonymous]

Overreacting. They live 4 hours away -- that's as far as Pittsburgh. Being old people, they are probably worried about the traffic and also any weather along the way.

Do you expect them to be able to time a 4-hour drive so they arrive at 5pm? You're asking them to do half their trip during rush hour!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of them might have felt sick from that long drive and needed to lie down or a toilet. They may not want to tell you this. They probably feel bad that they surprised you and are trying to make up for it by picking up the kids for you. I'm sure it won't happen again, so I'd let this go and invent an errand for them to run for you, and later - send them to daycare and then to get ice cream. Or go out yourself if you need the space.

But here's where that doesn't make sense. If they arrived at 11:30, that means they left their house around 7/7:30. (OP said 4-hour drive.) So even accounting for, let's say, an hour of anticipated traffic, they shouldn't have left the house until NOON if they wanted to arrive around 5.

That doesn't add up. No need for them to leave that early unless they PLANNED to arrive super early.

Now, it could be that they thought they'd be hitting up an outlet mall or something, and a stomach cramp came up. No problem. **Call your son and explain.**

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Overreacting. They live 4 hours away -- that's as far as Pittsburgh. Being old people, they are probably worried about the traffic and also any weather along the way.

Do you expect them to be able to time a 4-hour drive so they arrive at 5pm? You're asking them to do half their trip during rush hour!

OP here. Around dinner time is when they prefer to arrive at our house for visits. They like to take their time on the trip (they have a favorite lunch place along the way) and like to go to TJ's, etc. I would have had no problem at all if they said that noon or so works best, even if DH and I weren't home. Whenever they want to arrive is fine, just no reason at all not to discuss that with us when the plans were made. The timing is not an issue for me, at all. It's the lack of communication and common courtesy. I would never enter someone else's house without their knowledge and permission, unless it was truly an emergency situation.