Marriage without sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't think she's cheating. I think she just doesn't want to have sex with me. And we're still both reasonably attractive. We're not movie stars but nobody's gained a ton of weight or suddenly become ugly.

Same boat as you. No PIV sex for past few years, we are still both attractive and in reasonable shape. I'm pretty sure she is not cheating, but is an effect of cancer that kind of ravaged her body and medications that suppress her hormones. No current cancer concerns, but there are lingering effects. We do other things a few times a month, but not nearly enough. I've been a good husband so far, and we've talked about it, but she doesn't put any effort into changing things. I'll give it another 2 years and hope for the best, I do love her. I don't think I'd ever divorce her because of this, we love each other and our daughter. Just wish she would either work on things, or give me a green light to fulfill this need outside our marriage, maybe with a professional or sugar relationship, but not an affair partner. I travel for work enough, that it would never be an issue that we'd run into someone in Fairfax, I could just find someone in Chicago, Atlanta, etc... F@%K Cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP wants suggestions not judgments, people. Here’s mine: get some high quality porn videos. There’s one I used to have that was a loving couple, not gross. Since she doesn’t want sex, the least she could do is watch with you. Guarantee she will get at least a bit interested. Works for me!

Watching porn videos first will make everything worse. No woman wants to watch a porn video first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

I've been told by women that they "settled" when they married their husbands, because the clock was ticking and they wanted to have kids. Or their finances weren't in order. Or they were going back to school.

You're not getting it. If it wasn't there before, what makes you think it's going to be there now?

Couples need those hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other memories from when they first started dating to get through the drudgery of married life over the long haul. And things will improve.

However, if you never had that hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other time in your relationship, what makes you think after 14 years it's her hormones or stress from having kids?

This is so true. My husband is a great person. Love him. Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you sex with him (I think he did with me, but, that's for him to say). And now I can't even imagine it. I certainly can imagine it with others ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a wife that doesn't get sex. He has zero interest in sex. He's a great partner otherwise, cooks, cleans, takes care of me and the family in all ways. Celebrates anniversaries, bdays, valentines day, surprises me with getaways, treats, flowers, nice dinners at home (he's a great cook) and fancy dinners out, he does projects at home, is a great provider, is not a slob. We cuddle, we kiss, we say we love each other, we are best friends, but sex is non existent. He has no interest in sex. So, this is the life I accept. If he didn't do all that he does AND no sex, then forget it. If this is the balance that I have to live with, then I will. I have not gained weight. I am in better shape than I've ever been, I go to the gym, yoga, craft, garden, play golf, run (we play golf and run together), I'm 46 and get hit on by 33 year olds when I am out with my girlfriends. I know I'm attractive and I can get some side sex if I want it. I also make 6 figures and know that I CAN be fine on my own. I choose this life now and am happy with it. You have to weigh the pro's/con's of every situation and decide what is carries more weight of importance with you. I'm not going to break up my family because I want to get laid. I can take care of that on my own, and do so several times a week.

Was he always disinterested in sex? I think he is gay or cheating. He probably wanted to be married and have kids. What man can kiss and cuddle you without wanting it to lead to sex at least once in a while? Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a near-sexless marriage. The truth is we really don't care that much. We both got laid quite a lot before we got married. We are not cheating.

Have you asked her when you can have sex? Sometimes you just have to plan it. Not sexy, but it works. We broke a years-long drought that way.

We both know that neither of us are going to leave the marriage due to lack of sex...but that sounds like a different story than what you are going through.

Very few men would "not cheat" in your marriage. It's not even "cheating" to go elsewhere during a years-long drought!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

Yeah, because you can just go out and look around and you'll never see "jerks" dating women.

Oh wait.

Yeah, watch what women do, not what they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But it’s not clear that a nice guy who does not lift weights could find one these allegedly available women.

LOL, that's easily solved with a two-step program:
1. Stop being "nice"
2. Start lifting

Woman here. You guys do whatever you want and bro it up but I am not attracted to guys who “lift.” I associate guys who lift with gay guys. Anybody too toned = gay and/or vain. Just sayin’.

Translation: "I am fat. Guys who lift are interested in hot skinny chicks, not me. Therefore, they must be gay."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't think she's cheating. I think she just doesn't want to have sex with me. And we're still both reasonably attractive. We're not movie stars but nobody's gained a ton of weight or suddenly become ugly.

Same boat as you. No PIV sex for past few years, we are still both attractive and in reasonable shape. I'm pretty sure she is not cheating, but is an effect of cancer that kind of ravaged her body and medications that suppress her hormones. No current cancer concerns, but there are lingering effects. We do other things a few times a month, but not nearly enough. I've been a good husband so far, and we've talked about it, but she doesn't put any effort into changing things. I'll give it another 2 years and hope for the best, I do love her. I don't think I'd ever divorce her because of this, we love each other and our daughter. Just wish she would either work on things, or give me a green light to fulfill this need outside our marriage, maybe with a professional or sugar relationship, but not an affair partner. I travel for work enough, that it would never be an issue that we'd run into someone in Fairfax, I could just find someone in Chicago, Atlanta, etc... F@%K Cancer.

You'll "hope for the best" ? Seriously, that is your game plan? Don't "ask" for the open marriage: inform her. She obviously does not care about sex, so she won't care when you go do that "unimportant thing" with somebody else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

I've been told by women that they "settled" when they married their husbands, because the clock was ticking and they wanted to have kids. Or their finances weren't in order. Or they were going back to school.

You're not getting it. If it wasn't there before, what makes you think it's going to be there now?

Couples need those hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other memories from when they first started dating to get through the drudgery of married life over the long haul. And things will improve.

However, if you never had that hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other time in your relationship, what makes you think after 14 years it's her hormones or stress from having kids?

This is so true. My husband is a great person. Love him. Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you sex with him (I think he did with me, but, that's for him to say). And now I can't even imagine it. I certainly can imagine it with others ....

It's fine. You are completely normal. Most women don't really have much of a sex drive (espically for their husbands). You just happen to be honest about it. Irrelevant. What matters is: are you still doing the wifely duty to stay faithfully married? If not, have you formally issued the hall pass? Or is it DADT for him?

[Anonymous]

Look, she's bored with having sex with you. She still loves you, but after the 2,000th time of having sex with you, it's a chore, not a pleasure. It's not your fault, it's nothing personal. Men always trumpet about how they need variety, blah blah blah, but in fact science has shown that monogamy is more difficult for women, because we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex, rather than just an innate desire (which men have thanks to testosterone). As her husband, you are like her favorite pair of sweatpants--comfortable, familiar, beloved, but not sexy or exciting.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have been married 35 years and still enjoy sex 1-2 times a week. We have always been great friends and enjoy each others company even though we have very different interests. He's always quite affectionate (but not a hand holder) and he's very good about complimenting me on how I look or on the things I do. So, he is very endearing! Good sex is simply a part of our relationship but it might not be if our relationship had grown distant or lacked basic energy or chemistry. I can understand why many marriages are almost sexless because it takes more than just the physical urge for me to want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But it’s not clear that a nice guy who does not lift weights could find one these allegedly available women.

LOL, that's easily solved with a two-step program:
1. Stop being "nice"
2. Start lifting

Woman here. You guys do whatever you want and bro it up but I am not attracted to guys who “lift.” I associate guys who lift with gay guys. Anybody too toned = gay and/or vain. Just sayin’.

Translation: "I am fat. Guys who lift are interested in hot skinny chicks, not me. Therefore, they must be gay."

Lol! I’ve been thin my entire life. This is really just my preference. I also associate guys who lift with short guys trying to overcompensate. I see so many guys like this at the gym. My husband may not be toned but he’s really tall and has a big dick and that’s enough for me! Lift away, short dudes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, she's bored with having sex with you. She still loves you, but after the 2,000th time of having sex with you, it's a chore, not a pleasure. It's not your fault, it's nothing personal. Men always trumpet about how they need variety, blah blah blah, but in fact science has shown that monogamy is more difficult for women, because we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex, rather than just an innate desire (which men have thanks to testosterone). As her husband, you are like her favorite pair of sweatpants--comfortable, familiar, beloved, but not sexy or exciting.

It doesn't sound like she's bored. It sounds like she didn't have much interest in sex with you before, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP wants suggestions not judgments, people. Here’s mine: get some high quality porn videos. There’s one I used to have that was a loving couple, not gross. Since she doesn’t want sex, the least she could do is watch with you. Guarantee she will get at least a bit interested. Works for me!

Watching porn videos first will make everything worse. No woman wants to watch a porn video first.

Why? I’m a woman and I like porn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, she's bored with having sex with you. She still loves you, but after the 2,000th time of having sex with you, it's a chore, not a pleasure. It's not your fault, it's nothing personal. Men always trumpet about how they need variety, blah blah blah, but in fact science has shown that monogamy is more difficult for women, because we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex, rather than just an innate desire (which men have thanks to testosterone). As her husband, you are like her favorite pair of sweatpants--comfortable, familiar, beloved, but not sexy or exciting.

The favorite sweatpants analogy is very good. It explains why she doesn't find you sexy. But, it also explains why she doesn't want you to have sex with someone else. You might not get excited by your sweatpants, but you'd be unhappy if someone else wore them without your permission.