Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are just as responsible for how your kids behave as your husband.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

So, basically you are admitting you don't do much.

I suspect her kids are going to turn out very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids need a SAH parent and more structure. This problem is going to become more unmanageable in the teen years if you don't change it up.

Nobody needs a stay-at-home parent. In fact, in this region its actually a financially disastrous position but do you PP.

[Anonymous]

I'm on page 2 but it's SO OBVIOUS that OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope a lot of moms are reading this and evaluating whether they can really depend on husbands to do child care. My experience is that very few men are capable/willing to do a decent job so women end up working two jobs and are miserable because they can't do well at the home stuff after working in an office all day.

I think men mostly not prepared to do this job. Women are always fight for equality without realizing that men are different. He still can successfully to this job assuming he is trained very well and willing to do it. In OP's case, it doesn't seems that she ever tought him (without nagging) how to run the household, but she demands from him that all that need to be done.

Why should she 'teach' him? He's a grown man who should know its a part of his responsibility! And parents need to start teaching their sons that they're expected to be equal parents - cooking, cleaning, minding while also expecting girls to step up as equal providers. As long as we have that distinction there will always be two unhappy halves of a whole.

Why? Because clearly he has no clue how to do it. Because you are assuming most of the men learned these skills growing up. They didn't. Back then, most of the moms were staying at home and boys were raised without having any clue what to do with kids, how to run the household, etc.

I a man a woman. Grew up in the us. I didn't know how to do this stuff either. But when the time came, I stepped up,and did what had to be done. As did my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope a lot of moms are reading this and evaluating whether they can really depend on husbands to do child care. My experience is that very few men are capable/willing to do a decent job so women end up working two jobs and are miserable because they can't do well at the home stuff after working in an office all day.

I think men mostly not prepared to do this job. Women are always fight for equality without realizing that men are different. He still can successfully to this job assuming he is trained very well and willing to do it. In OP's case, it doesn't seems that she ever tought him (without nagging) how to run the household, but she demands from him that all that need to be done.

Why should she 'teach' him? He's a grown man who should know its a part of his responsibility! And parents need to start teaching their sons that they're expected to be equal parents - cooking, cleaning, minding while also expecting girls to step up as equal providers. As long as we have that distinction there will always be two unhappy halves of a whole.

Why? Because clearly he has no clue how to do it. Because you are assuming most of the men learned these skills growing up. They didn't. Back then, most of the moms were staying at home and boys were raised without having any clue what to do with kids, how to run the household, etc.

I a man a woman. Grew up in the us. I didn't know how to do this stuff either. But when the time came, I stepped up,and did what had to be done. As did my spouse.

Good for you. the problem is not just not knowing how to run a household, it’s not caring to either and letting it all go to pot.

[Anonymous]

I think you sound overwhelmed and possibly depressed. Maybe you consider seeing someone to talk to before you make a major life decision such as leaving your family. I mean this in a nice way. I am wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why so many people are flaming you. I was in the same position. My husband, a professor, had a fairly light work load, no work during holidays and summer, yet he didn't even meet the bare minimum in cleaning/child care when I was working my tail off. Our kids suffered a lot though they are doing OK as a adults. I agree that you need to lay down the law. I'd start by disappearing for a weekend to get their attention, then taking up cell phones, game systems, cancelling cable and changing Wifi code daily to be given out only when homework and chores are done. Tell your husband your leaving him and the kids if he doesn't buy in.

OP here. I underestimated how much things were going wrong in the early years. His siblings dropped some hints and I missed them. He is not alright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are neglected. I say this as a neglected child of two successful physicians, both of whom likely had an autism spectrum disorder. My dad meant well but was like a child emotionally and would either scream at us or try to be friends with us because he was lonely, and my mom was just so introverted and burnt out by the end of the day she had no idea how to nurture us or protect us from our dad.

I frequently went to school unwashed in ill fitting clothes. I did my school work but my brother with (untreated) LD and ADHD just didn't. We had no manners. We were socially awkward. We ate crappy junk food. But we lived in a big house and everyone knew we had money so no one helped us.

Anyway, my advice is that you hire some sort of nanny/house manager. Someone older who has raised kids who can implement the structure your kids need and be the "executive function" for what needs to get done.

OP again. This post hits closer to home than I can admit. Everyone thinks we are all OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a fed and gets off work at 3 he’s getting into work before 7, easily. That’s not easy nor lazy. I don’t believe he works less than 40 hours/week because that’s not really a thing, at least not in my agency.

So this and he’s responsible for all of the childcare and it’s his fault things aren’t running smoothly? Take a hard look in the mirror and acknowledge your part in this. He doesn’t owe you anything. I doubt he and your kids give a damn about how much you make or how hard you work. Get a new job, simplify, and be a family.

He works from home half the days and gets in about 5 effective hours a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope a lot of moms are reading this and evaluating whether they can really depend on husbands to do child care. My experience is that very few men are capable/willing to do a decent job so women end up working two jobs and are miserable because they can't do well at the home stuff after working in an office all day.

I think men mostly not prepared to do this job. Women are always fight for equality without realizing that men are different. He still can successfully to this job assuming he is trained very well and willing to do it. In OP's case, it doesn't seems that she ever tought him (without nagging) how to run the household, but she demands from him that all that need to be done.

Why should she 'teach' him? He's a grown man who should know its a part of his responsibility! And parents need to start teaching their sons that they're expected to be equal parents - cooking, cleaning, minding while also expecting girls to step up as equal providers. As long as we have that distinction there will always be two unhappy halves of a whole.

Why? Because clearly he has no clue how to do it. Because you are assuming most of the men learned these skills growing up. They didn't. Back then, most of the moms were staying at home and boys were raised without having any clue what to do with kids, how to run the household, etc.

I a man a woman. Grew up in the us. I didn't know how to do this stuff either. But when the time came, I stepped up,and did what had to be done. As did my spouse.

Good for you. the problem is not just not knowing how to run a household, it’s not caring to either and letting it all go to pot.

Why do you think that girls are taught how to run a household?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think we should blame husband's lack of leadership on their moms, stay at home or not.

I wouldn't have ever married anyone that wasn't smart enough to figure out how to do it all.

I don't think it has to do anything with the level of intelligence. I've seen a lot of smart husbands (CEOs, law partners, professors, surgeons ) who are clueless about the household. Their schedules run by either a secretary or the wife.

But I totally agree it's you: I would never marry someone like that to start with. Unfortunately , this is not OPs case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are just as responsible for how your kids behave as your husband.

ding ding! And if the sex roles were switched, of course the working man would be made responsible for alimony and child support. Why do you OP think you can just walk away from this (like so many men before you have)>

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kids are neglected. I say this as a neglected child of two successful physicians, both of whom likely had an autism spectrum disorder. My dad meant well but was like a child emotionally and would either scream at us or try to be friends with us because he was lonely, and my mom was just so introverted and burnt out by the end of the day she had no idea how to nurture us or protect us from our dad.

I frequently went to school unwashed in ill fitting clothes. I did my school work but my brother with (untreated) LD and ADHD just didn't. We had no manners. We were socially awkward. We ate crappy junk food. But we lived in a big house and everyone knew we had money so no one helped us.

Anyway, my advice is that you hire some sort of nanny/house manager. Someone older who has raised kids who can implement the structure your kids need and be the "executive function" for what needs to get done.

OP again. This post hits closer to home than I can admit. Everyone thinks we are all OK.

NP. Sounds like you need to take drastic action to save your kids, OP. Can you at least take an extended vacation or sabbatical to try to repair some of the damage, put some systems in place when it comes to discipline, homework, chores, housework, cooking?

But at a minimum, I'd agree that if you earn a ton then you should at least hire someone. It's bad enough for the parents to not be competent/involved, but when NO ONE is parenting the kids then that's a road that leads to all sorts of bad outcomes.

[Anonymous]

It shows stay-at-home fathers do 28 hours of housework a week, 19 hours of childcare and work for four hours; a total of 51 hours. In comparison, stay-at-home mothers do 37 hours of housework, 37 hours of childcare and work for one hour; a total of 75 hours.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/victoria/stayathome-dads-carry-out-less-housework-childcare-study/news-story/575a5d041b077ee5165741e9209764eb

Stay-at-home fathers and working mothers spent 19 and 21 hours a week on childcare, respectively. These fathers did 28 hours of housework and working mothers did 23.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/16/stay-at-home-fathers-childcare-working-mothers-research-finds

I have seen countless mothers come home to fix what wasn't done while they were at work...