Our home is a mess. I am thinking of leaving

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope a lot of moms are reading this and evaluating whether they can really depend on husbands to do child care. My experience is that very few men are capable/willing to do a decent job so women end up working two jobs and are miserable because they can't do well at the home stuff after working in an office all day.

I think men mostly not prepared to do this job. Women are always fight for equality without realizing that men are different. He still can successfully to this job assuming he is trained very well and willing to do it. In OP's case, it doesn't seems that she ever tought him (without nagging) how to run the household, but she demands from him that all that need to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope a lot of moms are reading this and evaluating whether they can really depend on husbands to do child care. My experience is that very few men are capable/willing to do a decent job so women end up working two jobs and are miserable because they can't do well at the home stuff after working in an office all day.

I think men mostly not prepared to do this job. Women are always fight for equality without realizing that men are different. He still can successfully to this job assuming he is trained very well and willing to do it. In OP's case, it doesn't seems that she ever tought him (without nagging) how to run the household, but she demands from him that all that need to be done.

Why should she 'teach' him? He's a grown man who should know its a part of his responsibility! And parents need to start teaching their sons that they're expected to be equal parents - cooking, cleaning, minding while also expecting girls to step up as equal providers. As long as we have that distinction there will always be two unhappy halves of a whole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope a lot of moms are reading this and evaluating whether they can really depend on husbands to do child care. My experience is that very few men are capable/willing to do a decent job so women end up working two jobs and are miserable because they can't do well at the home stuff after working in an office all day.

Hmm, not so sure about this. I know lots of very engaged dads, my DH among them. After some adjustment, he fully takes on planning play dates (including being the text point person), interviewing and hiring afterschool babysitters and drivers, all sports and camp research and scheduling. He is 100% in charge of the shared Google calendar, which drives our life. He includes departure times and addresses (of peoples's houses, doctor visits, away sports fields) on the calendar which is invaluable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

That only works if everyone is functioning maximally. For those of us struggling with ADHD, possibly ASD, etc, households can't run that effectively even with training and goodwill on all sides. I suspect OP and her family are not functioning maximally, and therefore something has to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope a lot of moms are reading this and evaluating whether they can really depend on husbands to do child care. My experience is that very few men are capable/willing to do a decent job so women end up working two jobs and are miserable because they can't do well at the home stuff after working in an office all day.

I think men mostly not prepared to do this job. Women are always fight for equality without realizing that men are different. He still can successfully to this job assuming he is trained very well and willing to do it. In OP's case, it doesn't seems that she ever tought him (without nagging) how to run the household, but she demands from him that all that need to be done.

Why should she 'teach' him? He's a grown man who should know its a part of his responsibility! And parents need to start teaching their sons that they're expected to be equal parents - cooking, cleaning, minding while also expecting girls to step up as equal providers. As long as we have that distinction there will always be two unhappy halves of a whole.

Why? Because clearly he has no clue how to do it. Because you are assuming most of the men learned these skills growing up. They didn't. Back then, most of the moms were staying at home and boys were raised without having any clue what to do with kids, how to run the household, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

That only works if everyone is functioning maximally. For those of us struggling with ADHD, possibly ASD, etc, households can't run that effectively even with training and goodwill on all sides. I suspect OP and her family are not functioning maximally, and therefore something has to give.

What does functioning maximally means? We are just a family of normal people who doing our daily responsibilities, love and respect each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope a lot of moms are reading this and evaluating whether they can really depend on husbands to do child care. My experience is that very few men are capable/willing to do a decent job so women end up working two jobs and are miserable because they can't do well at the home stuff after working in an office all day.

I think men mostly not prepared to do this job. Women are always fight for equality without realizing that men are different. He still can successfully to this job assuming he is trained very well and willing to do it. In OP's case, it doesn't seems that she ever tought him (without nagging) how to run the household, but she demands from him that all that need to be done.

Why should she 'teach' him? He's a grown man who should know its a part of his responsibility! And parents need to start teaching their sons that they're expected to be equal parents - cooking, cleaning, minding while also expecting girls to step up as equal providers. As long as we have that distinction there will always be two unhappy halves of a whole.

Why? Because clearly he has no clue how to do it. Because you are assuming most of the men learned these skills growing up. They didn't. Back then, most of the moms were staying at home and boys were raised without having any clue what to do with kids, how to run the household, etc.

Wrong. I'm assuming most men weren't and that doesn't give them a pass. I'm also demanding that you start teaching your sons now so it doesn't happen with the next generation as well.

[Anonymous]

I don't think we should blame husband's lack of leadership on their moms, stay at home or not.

I wouldn't have ever married anyone that wasn't smart enough to figure out how to do it all.

[Anonymous]

My husband's great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think we should blame husband's lack of leadership on their moms, stay at home or not.

I wouldn't have ever married anyone that wasn't smart enough to figure out how to do it all.

Why shouldn't we? The most-present parent, by most counts the mother, is the person responsible for instilling values, morality, and emotional intelligence in their children. She should be the ones ensuring that he consider an equal task for boys and girls to contribute to as they grow and develop households of their own.

As an aside...I don't consider helping around the house 'leadership'. It's basic common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

So, basically you are admitting you don't do much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the similar situation: husband is a fed, I work 50-70 hours/week. The difference is I run my family. I stayed with my kids at home 1-2 years when they were young, I disciplined them early and taught them good eating habits. We never had any electronic games at home and no cable. Smart phone was given only at the high school, middle school and elementary school kids are still using flip phones for the phone calls only. Either DH or I always checked the homework up to 3rd-4th grade and then kids did everything on their own. They doing great in the school (every single A for years, and taking very challenging classes in the high school). Each kids assigned a chore (we don't pay them for chores ), so when I get home, kitchen floor is swept, counters wiped, dog is walked, etc. Older kid is cooking now and cooks 2 dinners a week, so I cook only on the weekend, DH cooks once and we order sometimes. The key to this schedule is to prepare everyone (including the husband), and then it is function very well.

So, basically you are admitting you don't do much.

Au contraire - s/he laid the groundwork well. Work smarter, not harder PP. As a person who built a 7-figure business from the ground up I work the same way and applaud her/his logic.

[Anonymous]

What you are all missing is that her H is the enabler and that's his passive aggressive way to get back at her for being more financially successful, not catering to him etc. Etc. IP, leave him and take the kids with you. They'll learn. Your H is a looser.

[Anonymous]

The kids need a SAH parent and more structure. This problem is going to become more unmanageable in the teen years if you don't change it up.