An explanation and request from a mom of a kid with autism

[Anonymous]

OP, I suggest just asking Jeff to delete this thread. You're not going to get what you want out of it, and as you can see, some people delight in kicking you when you're down.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You are crazy. You started with a completely incendiary post accusing US, whom you don't even know. Then you double down whenever someone tries to argue with you.

Next time be polite.

And get help for your anger issues.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't understand why you would not apologize to another adult if your child spat at them. You don't owe them any explanation of his medical history, a simple "sorry" would do the trick. Then move on.


Dude obviously I do this. You're being deliberately obtuse.

No, its not obvious that you do this at all, because you never said that you did. If people are not accepting your apology graciously, there's nothing you can do but ignore them and don't give them another moment's thought.

[Anonymous]

Spitting in public whether on a person or on surfaces is illegal.

On a person, it is assault.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/01/03/AR2008010304010.html

http://www.thekirklawfirm.com/blog/IS-IT-A-CRIME-TO-SPIT-ON-SOMEONE-IN-MARYLAND_AE530.html

I thought about the other thread with the older boys with SN and the police. Your son is young now, OP, but you said he's already big for his age. How long before someone thinks he's 12 and calls the police for his behaviors and your responses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suggest just asking Jeff to delete this thread. You're not going to get what you want out of it, and as you can see, some people delight in kicking you when you're down.

She has also ignored some really compassionate and useful advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, parent with a child with HFA here. Please don't let your child's diagnosis become an excuse for bad behavior. That is doing no favors to your child.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm the opposite of it. But If my kid spit at someone we would immediately go home. We would work a lot on interactions involving not spitting. One on one play dates, etc. We would have a reminder every time we went to the playground that one spit means we are going home.

What do the professionals that you are working with suggest that you do?

Doesn't seem like OP is working with any professionals her only tools are yell and ignore.

You are ridiculous. We do therapy 6 days a week. Behavioral therapy for years. You don't understand and that's fine. There's simply no point in trying.

Please print out this thread and show it to your child's therapist.

What on earth? We do exactly what the previous poster outlined. Sometimes it works sometimes it does not. Rinse and repeat. My therapist would say you simply have to ignore other parents who fail to even attempt to be understanding which is obviously the correct answer.

The therapist may benefit from seeing OP's mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I don't understand why you would not apologize to another adult if your child spat at them. You don't owe them any explanation of his medical history, a simple "sorry" would do the trick. Then move on.


Dude obviously I do this. You're being deliberately obtuse.

No, its not obvious that you do this at all, because you never said that you did. If people are not accepting your apology graciously, there's nothing you can do but ignore them and don't give them another moment's thought.

OP could be a troll - that is typical trollish behavior, stringing people along like this.

[Anonymous]

Can't we all just get along? Parenting any child has its own unique challenges. My child does not have autism, but I do have some experience with autism being a former paraprofessional in an autism classroom. It is very important for children with autism to be on community outings and to learn how to function in society. While it's not right to expect for the world to make accommodations for a child with autism, it's important to err on the side of kindness and understanding. Aggressive behaviors like spitting or growling should not be tolerated but try to understood these behaviors in a different context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If she corrected her son for spitting, why would the other parent then proceed to tell her that the kid spat at them? If she didn't correct him yet, the only response to the other parent is, "yes, I know, sorry," and then proceed to correct the kid. What other interaction with the other parent would anyone have at that point?

It's because the other parents don't think she's corrected him harshly enough, basically. They want to see the kid punished for reasons that have nothing to do with actually helping the kid learn better behavior. Ask me how I know ...

Precisely. We also ignore certain things because he seeks negative attention. Paying attention to them particularly a lot of loud attention reinforces the behavior. So if I just move him away I'm not being lazy as much as you love to think that all bad behavior stems from not parenting just as you would.

And this is why this is so hard. But yes go ahead and refuse to learn. You do realize this is how we once treated all kids of people who were different than us and then used as an excuse the old but they've got to get along in the world adage. This is why this is the last frontier mental health and will always be. The resistance to learning.

I hope you can see that some people said the opposite of this, OP. Some people said that it is really hard to parent a child with SN. You can work 10x harder than parents of typical kids and it still doesn't feel like enough. It is no one's fault that your child has autism. Not his, not yours, not the parents of neurotypical kids. I am sorry you are hurting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spitting in public whether on a person or on surfaces is illegal.

On a person, it is assault.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/01/03/AR2008010304010.html

http://www.thekirklawfirm.com/blog/IS-IT-A-CRIME-TO-SPIT-ON-SOMEONE-IN-MARYLAND_AE530.html

I thought about the other thread with the older boys with SN and the police. Your son is young now, OP, but you said he's already big for his age. How long before someone thinks he's 12 and calls the police for his behaviors and your responses?

Since you seem to have all the answers, what exactly do you think she should do to stop her son from spitting? Heavily medicate him? Never let him out of the house? Hit him when he does it? Or maybe ... just maybe ... she's actually working with a therapist to address the behaviors, but progress is slow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't understand why you would not apologize to another adult if your child spat at them. You don't owe them any explanation of his medical history, a simple "sorry" would do the trick. Then move on.

Dude obviously I do this. You're being deliberately obtuse.

I say sorry. I avoid crowded parks. I follow him. I help him facilitate social situations. We do thousands of hours of therapy. But the kid looks normal and is of normal intelligence and has normal speech. So people have zero tolerance of him doing odd things. I mentioned spitting. Others are pouring out water or making odd noises. Honestly things that don't affect people. I'm sorry if blowing rasbwperroes is offensive but we have enough fish to fry that I may not be making the huge deal do it you think I should be. I'm not asking for special accommodations. I'm asking for tolerance. Also if I tell you he has autism I'm not asking for an excuse. Unless he hurt your or did something really wrong, I don't need one. It's an explanation.

This entire thereaf just hits home how deep the refusal to be understanding truly is. You all deliberately misconstrued what I was saying to tell me about how you didn't have to. And special accommodations or how I was failing at parenting. Not it at all. People refuse to make reasonable choices on tolerance. If it was a kid with an obvious disability you'd all be falling. Over yourselves to demonstrate understanding. So ridiculous.

Get a grip. You say, "the kid looks normal and is of normal intelligence and has normal speech," so people who don't know him think he is a typical kid. (Also, what parent of a SN kid uses "normal?") They obviously don't know that you "have enough fish to fry that I may not be making the huge deal" over blowing raspberries at other people, for example. But for a typical kid, that is rude behavior, and I'd be annoyed if a kid did it (especially repeatedly) and his parent didn't correct him. Same with other behavior that isn't violent or aggressive, but could fairly be considered rude.

You are not asking for tolerance, you are asking for other parents to be mind readers. That's ridiculous. If your kid is being rude, and you choose (for perfectly valid reasons) to not correct him, it is not others' responsibility to divine the reasons for your inaction.

Or are you suggesting that if a kid is acting in a rude way, and his or her parent is present and doesn't intervene, that another parent should reproach the kid at all? That we should assume any rude behavior is the result of an ASD diagnosis and just let it go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If she corrected her son for spitting, why would the other parent then proceed to tell her that the kid spat at them? If she didn't correct him yet, the only response to the other parent is, "yes, I know, sorry," and then proceed to correct the kid. What other interaction with the other parent would anyone have at that point?

It's because the other parents don't think she's corrected him harshly enough, basically. They want to see the kid punished for reasons that have nothing to do with actually helping the kid learn better behavior. Ask me how I know ...

Precisely. We also ignore certain things because he seeks negative attention. Paying attention to them particularly a lot of loud attention reinforces the behavior. So if I just move him away I'm not being lazy as much as you love to think that all bad behavior stems from not parenting just as you would.

And this is why this is so hard. But yes go ahead and refuse to learn. You do realize this is how we once treated all kids of people who were different than us and then used as an excuse the old but they've got to get along in the world adage. This is why this is the last frontier mental health and will always be. The resistance to learning.

I hope you can see that some people said the opposite of this, OP. Some people said that it is really hard to parent a child with SN. You can work 10x harder than parents of typical kids and it still doesn't feel like enough. It is no one's fault that your child has autism. Not his, not yours, not the parents of neurotypical kids. I am sorry you are hurting.

OP is talking to the jerk parents. As is her right. It's odd that people get so bent out of shape over criticism. (And to the PP who seems to think that OP is speaking to her, individually, as an actual person due to her pronoun choice of "you" -- do you use the internet often or is this your first time?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spitting in public whether on a person or on surfaces is illegal.

On a person, it is assault.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/01/03/AR2008010304010.html

http://www.thekirklawfirm.com/blog/IS-IT-A-CRIME-TO-SPIT-ON-SOMEONE-IN-MARYLAND_AE530.html

I thought about the other thread with the older boys with SN and the police. Your son is young now, OP, but you said he's already big for his age. How long before someone thinks he's 12 and calls the police for his behaviors and your responses?

Since you seem to have all the answers, what exactly do you think she should do to stop her son from spitting? Heavily medicate him? Never let him out of the house? Hit him when he does it? Or maybe ... just maybe ... she's actually working with a therapist to address the behaviors, but progress is slow.

Wow, you are unhinged. What about this implies "having all the answers"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't understand why you would not apologize to another adult if your child spat at them. You don't owe them any explanation of his medical history, a simple "sorry" would do the trick. Then move on.

Dude obviously I do this. You're being deliberately obtuse.

I say sorry. I avoid crowded parks. I follow him. I help him facilitate social situations. We do thousands of hours of therapy. But the kid looks normal and is of normal intelligence and has normal speech. So people have zero tolerance of him doing odd things. I mentioned spitting. Others are pouring out water or making odd noises. Honestly things that don't affect people. I'm sorry if blowing rasbwperroes is offensive but we have enough fish to fry that I may not be making the huge deal do it you think I should be. I'm not asking for special accommodations. I'm asking for tolerance. Also if I tell you he has autism I'm not asking for an excuse. Unless he hurt your or did something really wrong, I don't need one. It's an explanation.

This entire thereaf just hits home how deep the refusal to be understanding truly is. You all deliberately misconstrued what I was saying to tell me about how you didn't have to. And special accommodations or how I was failing at parenting. Not it at all. People refuse to make reasonable choices on tolerance. If it was a kid with an obvious disability you'd all be falling. Over yourselves to demonstrate understanding. So ridiculous.

Get a grip. You say, "the kid looks normal and is of normal intelligence and has normal speech," so people who don't know him think he is a typical kid. (Also, what parent of a SN kid uses "normal?") They obviously don't know that you "have enough fish to fry that I may not be making the huge deal" over blowing raspberries at other people, for example. But for a typical kid, that is rude behavior, and I'd be annoyed if a kid did it (especially repeatedly) and his parent didn't correct him. Same with other behavior that isn't violent or aggressive, but could fairly be considered rude.

You are not asking for tolerance, you are asking for other parents to be mind readers. That's ridiculous. If your kid is being rude, and you choose (for perfectly valid reasons) to not correct him, it is not others' responsibility to divine the reasons for your inaction.

Or are you suggesting that if a kid is acting in a rude way, and his or her parent is present and doesn't intervene, that another parent should reproach the kid at all? That we should assume any rude behavior is the result of an ASD diagnosis and just let it go?

If the other parent is there, yes, let it go. It's not your business. If it's truly disruptive to you or your child, talk to the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spitting in public whether on a person or on surfaces is illegal.

On a person, it is assault.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/01/03/AR2008010304010.html

http://www.thekirklawfirm.com/blog/IS-IT-A-CRIME-TO-SPIT-ON-SOMEONE-IN-MARYLAND_AE530.html

I thought about the other thread with the older boys with SN and the police. Your son is young now, OP, but you said he's already big for his age. How long before someone thinks he's 12 and calls the police for his behaviors and your responses?

Since you seem to have all the answers, what exactly do you think she should do to stop her son from spitting? Heavily medicate him? Never let him out of the house? Hit him when he does it? Or maybe ... just maybe ... she's actually working with a therapist to address the behaviors, but progress is slow.

Wow, you are unhinged. What about this implies "having all the answers"?

Dude, you're the one now posting that OP's child is going to get arrested for spitting (or blowing raspberries). That's fairly unhinged. The whole point here is parents who have no idea what's going on in OP's life who observe how she deals with his behavior, and judge her and think that there's some better way to do it that they know, and assume that she doesn't have a reason for her approach. So tell me, what's your magic solution?