An explanation and request from a mom of a kid with autism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kid has SN especially involving behavioral issues, the best thing you can do for your own sanity is to learn not to give a shit what other people think.

+1 I stopped giving two shits about three years ago. Much easier to get through the day!

Indeed! When my son gets excited (and this could be caused by something as small as seeing a bird land on a signpost) he jumps up and down, screams, and flaps his hands. I've heard some parents call him weird and even tell their own children, oh don't go near that boy, he's weird. I used to get so incensed, and on occasion have words with these people, but ultimately came to the realization that it's just not worth it. Some people are jerks, the majority are not. I'm not going to waste my time on the ones who are.

It's tough, I know it is. But in general, kids with special needs seem so prevalent, that I think most people are understanding. We still occasionally get a side eye from some parents when he's making noises (he can't speak so he communicates through whines or grunts) or when I pull out our PEC cards and he points to what he wants to do, but whatever, ya know?

[Anonymous]

Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

I feel sorry for your kid. You're failing him and you don't even care because it's all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

Since you were the one making poor choices

Go ahead and post in the special needs forum, OP. We will still tell you essentially the same thing, but in kinder terms.
Hopefully you will understand that your attitude and ability to give background info about a situation is problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

You're nuts. Nobody said this.

[Anonymous]

Also - op here - those of you who got so very angry. Why on earth? I did not at any point suggest I was going to let my child injure or even annoy yours if at all possible, and you just lost it. Many of you. I'm thinking any suggestion that you might be being an asshole when you act in a way that you excuse as protecting your child or going all mama bear might in fact be bad behavior is just too much for your limited world view.

And no I'm not taking this down. I think asking for some acceptance and the vitriol and excuses it stirred up is telling and demonstrative of the problem. In the meantime i just carry on doing the best I can and avoiding the ones that are obviously dicks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

You're nuts. Nobody said this.

On the last page someday said my kid wasn't hfa, but moderate.

Target all posters have said we should get a swing set.

Your buts if you think if you missed an insult it didn't happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, every.single.person you see is fighting a battle you don't know anything about. Today maybe their husband left them with a 1 year old baby. Or they had a miscarriage. Or their parent was diagnosed with cancer. Or they lost their job. Etc. etc. Your post is a good reminder about being kind to each other.

I agree with you that people can be insensitive jerks, overreact, make assumptions, etc. etc. The world would be a better place if we all were gentler when dealing with each other when we are at our less-than-best.

At the same time, *you* need to be more understanding of other parents, too. Of course they are going to object to spitting or growling at babies or whatever. Obviously they shouldn't freak out at you guys. But they are going to react to being provoked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

NP. I've only read the first page and this page. OP, there's no graceful way to tell others that you think they're being intolerant. It's impossible, actually. When you do, you just sound intolerant. Something to keep in mind for the future.

Good wishes for you and for your child. We all struggle in parenting, some more obviously and others less obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't understand why you would not apologize to another adult if your child spat at them. You don't owe them any explanation of his medical history, a simple "sorry" would do the trick. Then move on.

Dude obviously I do this. You're being deliberately obtuse.

I say sorry. I avoid crowded parks. I follow him. I help him facilitate social situations. We do thousands of hours of therapy. But the kid looks normal and is of normal intelligence and has normal speech. So people have zero tolerance of him doing odd things. I mentioned spitting. Others are pouring out water or making odd noises. Honestly things that don't affect people. I'm sorry if blowing rasbwperroes is offensive but we have enough fish to fry that I may not be making the huge deal do it you think I should be. I'm not asking for special accommodations. I'm asking for tolerance. Also if I tell you he has autism I'm not asking for an excuse. Unless he hurt your or did something really wrong, I don't need one. It's an explanation.

This entire thereaf just hits home how deep the refusal to be understanding truly is. You all deliberately misconstrued what I was saying to tell me about how you didn't have to. And special accommodations or how I was failing at parenting. Not it at all. People refuse to make reasonable choices on tolerance. If it was a kid with an obvious disability you'd all be falling. Over yourselves to demonstrate understanding. So ridiculous.

Get a grip. You say, "the kid looks normal and is of normal intelligence and has normal speech," so people who don't know him think he is a typical kid. (Also, what parent of a SN kid uses "normal?") They obviously don't know that you "have enough fish to fry that I may not be making the huge deal" over blowing raspberries at other people, for example. But for a typical kid, that is rude behavior, and I'd be annoyed if a kid did it (especially repeatedly) and his parent didn't correct him. Same with other behavior that isn't violent or aggressive, but could fairly be considered rude.

You are not asking for tolerance, you are asking for other parents to be mind readers. That's ridiculous. If your kid is being rude, and you choose (for perfectly valid reasons) to not correct him, it is not others' responsibility to divine the reasons for your inaction.

Or are you suggesting that if a kid is acting in a rude way, and his or her parent is present and doesn't intervene, that another parent should reproach the kid at all? That we should assume any rude behavior is the result of an ASD diagnosis and just let it go?

If the other parent is there, yes, let it go. It's not your business. If it's truly disruptive to you or your child, talk to the parent.

Sorry, no. That's ridiculous. If another parent is standing there and witnesses their kid do something rude or aggressive to me or my kid (obviously, I don't go around policing behavior not directed at me), I will absolutely wait a beat or two to see if that parent will intervene. But if he or she doesn't, I'm going to say something directly to the kid. If the parent gets in a snit about it, I'll tell them, "I waited to see if you were going to say something, but since you didn't, I spoke up. The alternative is letting your kid and my kid think this kind of behavior is acceptable. It isn't."

The "truly disruptive" calculus is too subjective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

OP, I get what you're are saying, totally. The general parent board is not welcoming to SN kids and their parents, as you can see. It's so telling that people think you shouldn't even leave the house. It's the worst advice, because a child who never gets out never learns to function.

Meanwhile, the typical kids are spitting, hitting, kicking, etc. and no one bats an eye.

I also think you are so right about challenges coming down the road for these higher-than-mighty, not my problem parents.

[Anonymous]

All this thread has done is make OP look bad. I know most parents of kids with SN aren't like this because of personal experiences (my own family and my career), but I'm fearful someone else will read her post and think this is the majority opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

OP, I get what you're are saying, totally. The general parent board is not welcoming to SN kids and their parents, as you can see. It's so telling that people think you shouldn't even leave the house. It's the worst advice, because a child who never gets out never learns to function.

Meanwhile, the typical kids are spitting, hitting, kicking, etc. and no one bats an eye.

I also think you are so right about challenges coming down the road for these higher-than-mighty, not my problem parents.

Most posters aren't saying she shouldn't leave the house. And most typically developing kids past toddlerhood aren't spitting and kicking without anyone reacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also - op here - those of you who got so very angry. Why on earth? I did not at any point suggest I was going to let my child injure or even annoy yours if at all possible, and you just lost it. Many of you. I'm thinking any suggestion that you might be being an asshole when you act in a way that you excuse as protecting your child or going all mama bear might in fact be bad behavior is just too much for your limited world view.

And no I'm not taking this down. I think asking for some acceptance and the vitriol and excuses it stirred up is telling and demonstrative of the problem. In the meantime i just carry on doing the best I can and avoiding the ones that are obviously dicks.

OK, OP, what do you want when you say you are asking for some acceptance? Specifically?

[Anonymous]

Eh, OP, the world, and I think especially the DMV area, has some jerky people in it. You can either obsess about them or ignore them and focus on the good people instead. I think option B is better. I mean, I get it to a degree - the other week, my DS was playing in an adapted sports league and the opposing team would not lend us any players, even though the number of kids on each team was horribly unbalanced. I got really upset, because I expected more of parents of children with SN, and was ranting about the situation to DS and DH, and pretty much letting it ruin my whole afternoon. But its one game, one day, one lousy group of parents, and really, the only people I was hurting by obsessing about the injustice of it were DS and myself.