An explanation and request from a mom of a kid with autism

[Anonymous]

I've been reading this thread with interest because I also have a SN DS who sometimes infringes on others in public. He is also on the spectrum, high functioning for what that's worth, but it does mean that he's extremely verbal and does not "seem" to have SN at first, second, or even third glance.

He's a teenager now so playground time is long over, but when he was younger I tried to make sure that we were only in circumstances he could handle in terms of such activities. We went to less popular playgrounds, left if a bigger crowd came along, went off peak hours, things like that. I didn't particularly think of the other kids, though I certainly had them in mind. My concern was that DS couldn't handle being around a lot of kids doing kid things.

Never at a playground, but in general at school, home, and parties, he has hit/kicked/pushed, spit (once), and yelled at other kids. Most of the behavior occurred on the playground at school which he could not handle and eventually stopped doing once he got old enough for them to let him opt out.

We've done a massive amount of therapy including behavior therapy and happily it has worked and these problems are almost completely a thing of the past. It is hard and I certainly emphathize with OP on that.

DS also preserverates on topics and will drone on and on to strangers who listen. Occasionally it takes a little bit to get him to stop.

So my kid has actually hit other kids at an age beyond which that should happen at all. I don't think it's ever been a stranger since I have been so cautious outside of school time. I have of course apologized and he has been removed from the situation immediately. We also rarely even went to parties because again it was something that was hard for him, but sometimes a command performance occurred.

The point of my thread is two-fold. #1 -- I don't see anything wrong with shielding a kid with these sorts of needs from the world until he is old enough to handle them appropriately. I don't see it as shielding other people, but as keeping my DS from experiencing multiple negative reactions when he doesn't understand what he has done. Now that he's old enough, we're good, but he has learned through the years what he can and can't handle and will let us know. He didn't need to hit a bunch of strangers at the playground to figure that out in the meantime.

#2, and more a propos of this thread, is that almost never did any person yell at him, certainly not scream, reproach him, admonish him, anything else remotely resembling any of that. I was also right there, as OP says she is, and pulled him out of any situation immediately.

His aunt once yelled because he hit his younger cousin. She immediately apologized for yelling and believe me there were massive consequences. I, like other posters, just have a hard time believing that OP is right there on top of the situation, removing her kiddo immediately and interferring appropriately, and yet parents are still yelling at her kid. I also now work as a behavior therapist and I can't imagine someone yelling at my client while I'm right there! It's pretty obvious what a beh therapist is doing while with the client so it's odd that a parent wouldn't let that process unfold unless both the OP and her therapist were not on top of things. I walk around playgrounds with my arms out on either side of the client if there's this kind of behavior going on.

I suggest OP better choose what her DS can handle and work with that. Multiple negative situations is not good for her DS. Forget that it might be a problem to the other kids, if you would like, just think about how your kid feels going through life having strangers yell at him and make faces at his behavior that he thinks is perfectly normal.

Clearly if this many people are yelling at your kid, you're not as on top of it as you would like to be. I get it! It's hard, especially while other parents are relaxing and that 1 second you take to sit down on the bench, another parent gets between you and your kid (you mentioned this in a post) and you can't see him and voila that's the moment something goes wrong. I know, I've been there!

It will get better. The therapy will work. For your own sake, don't try to take on so much. You mentioned you have multiple friends who also have kids with SN. Have some of them over and play in the backyard. Your DS still gets socialization, but presumably you'll all be more understanding of each other's kids issues.

Having done it I have seen that this does work. Yes, as a teenager DS doesn't have that many friends, but he has a handful of very close friends. He has managed to stay friends with kids from childhood, even the ones who were on the receiving side of his hits a few times. That took a lot of careful watching and working, but it was worth it.

I'm not naive enough to think that DS's friends parents didn't judge me. I know they did, talked about me, etc. But I'm a big girl and I can take it, though it does hurt. At least I didn't have to have DS be subjected to multiple adults yelling at him! Think about it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. Can we lock this now on a sane and helpful final post?