An explanation and request from a mom of a kid with autism

[Anonymous]

13:30 again. I apologize for the back-to-back posts, but I didn't read through the rest of the newer posts before adding my reply. I just want to say that I don't feel that this thread is representative of parents of NT children or of parents of SN children. It is evident that everyone wants the absolute best for their children. It is difficult to figure out the best way to do that when encountering people who are different--be it neurodiversity, ethnic diversity, belief system, diet, etc.
Being in public spaces means that one is bound to encounter some sort of difference. I believe that it shows who we are in how we handle those situations. Yes, it is important to show one's children that certain behaviors are not tolerable when any one engages in them--like bullying. But I think there is a way to be righteous and teach a child without being off-putting and bringing others down. As an example, I think that most people can agree that smoking cigarettes is dangerous to the smoker and anyone in their immediate vicinity. However, most families do not make a mean comment to a smoker when they see them in the street; even though by smoking and having to walk by that person the family is being harmed through second-hand smoke. I think that if one can have respect for someone who is willfully putting them self and others at risk (yes smoking is an addiction and there is debate about how complicit people are), it is possible to extend the same courtesy to other playground goers.

[Anonymous]

Wow. 21 tab DCUM special served up hot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:30 here. I don't live in DC, and I don't know who the OP is. I don't agree with how this conversation has taken place, and I hoped to add a different perspective. I would think that the difference in syntax and diction between myself and the op would make it clear that we are different people.
To the 'fascinating' comment or, if a client was displaying aggressive behavior (spitting on a person, growling at a person,etc.) I would most likely address it, give them an opportunity to try an alternative coping mechanism and then remove them from the situation if necessary. However, I do question what is aggressive behavior and the intent. I have been growled at and spit near by NT children playing pretend or simply getting overexcited at the playground. It is also not uncommon for older children to invade a smaller child's play area without repercussions--that's fine. Honestly, unless it is causing harm (like biting) I ignore it and let their caregivers handle it. No the behaviors are not acceptable, but what does it cost me to police someone else 's child whom I don't know be giving someone the benefit of believing that they are doing the best the can in that moment. I don't consider a child snatching a toy, apologizing, and giving it back a problem. Kids suck at sharing and it is something that can really only be learned through practice. To be sure, it doesn't feel great to have something snatched away from you, but barring extreme trauma, it won't do irreversible damage.

The problem, PP, is that OP doesn't apologize. I would have had a VERY hard time believing that other parents are "furious" with her "all the time" if she was apologizing... people just don't do that. Maybe there's a single nutcase here or there, but that's it. People don't invent that someone is spitting on them, regardless of what OP says her son's intention was or how she argues that every single one of them is overreacting. Antisocial behavior always requires apologies, even as children, ESPECIALLY if the parent is standing right there.

And voila, she has admitted that her strategy is to ignore a lot of the behavior rather than apologize for it. With her attitude of denial and entitlement, I can absolutely understand where other parents are coming from, and I can foresee even more problems for her and her child as he gets older. I can't imagine other parents being happy to include a child with those challenges who has a mother with that attitude.

To me, it's pretty clear that the OP is the problem. This has absolutely nothing to do with autistic kids in general, or SN kids in general, or SN vs NT kids, or any such thing. I'm personally a bit offended that she's trying to extrapolate this into some sort of vendetta against SN kids. I can tell you that my kids are also SN, just in different ways. But I don't expect other people to magically know what to expect of my children or what their challenges are.

Anyway, I'm done with this thread. I agree with some of the other PPs that the OP has only succeeded in making us less sympathetic to her situation, not more so. Hopefully it's at least given her some food for thought, even if it takes her a while to face it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:30 here. I don't live in DC, and I don't know who the OP is. I don't agree with how this conversation has taken place, and I hoped to add a different perspective. I would think that the difference in syntax and diction between myself and the op would make it clear that we are different people.
To the 'fascinating' comment or, if a client was displaying aggressive behavior (spitting on a person, growling at a person,etc.) I would most likely address it, give them an opportunity to try an alternative coping mechanism and then remove them from the situation if necessary. However, I do question what is aggressive behavior and the intent. I have been growled at and spit near by NT children playing pretend or simply getting overexcited at the playground. It is also not uncommon for older children to invade a smaller child's play area without repercussions--that's fine. Honestly, unless it is causing harm (like biting) I ignore it and let their caregivers handle it. No the behaviors are not acceptable, but what does it cost me to police someone else 's child whom I don't know be giving someone the benefit of believing that they are doing the best the can in that moment. I don't consider a child snatching a toy, apologizing, and giving it back a problem. Kids suck at sharing and it is something that can really only be learned through practice. To be sure, it doesn't feel great to have something snatched away from you, but barring extreme trauma, it won't do irreversible damage.

The problem, PP, is that OP doesn't apologize. I would have had a VERY hard time believing that other parents are "furious" with her "all the time" if she was apologizing... people just don't do that. Maybe there's a single nutcase here or there, but that's it. People don't invent that someone is spitting on them, regardless of what OP says her son's intention was or how she argues that every single one of them is overreacting. Antisocial behavior always requires apologies, even as children, ESPECIALLY if the parent is standing right there.

And voila, she has admitted that her strategy is to ignore a lot of the behavior rather than apologize for it. With her attitude of denial and entitlement, I can absolutely understand where other parents are coming from, and I can foresee even more problems for her and her child as he gets older. I can't imagine other parents being happy to include a child with those challenges who has a mother with that attitude.

To me, it's pretty clear that the OP is the problem. This has absolutely nothing to do with autistic kids in general, or SN kids in general, or SN vs NT kids, or any such thing. I'm personally a bit offended that she's trying to extrapolate this into some sort of vendetta against SN kids. I can tell you that my kids are also SN, just in different ways. But I don't expect other people to magically know what to expect of my children or what their challenges are.

Anyway, I'm done with this thread. I agree with some of the other PPs that the OP has only succeeded in making us less sympathetic to her situation, not more so. Hopefully it's at least given her some food for thought, even if it takes her a while to face it.

1) when a kid has behavioral issues, no amount of apologizing by the mother will fix things with the kid. it's understandable to expect an apology, but realize where it comes from.
2) OP has said she does apologize if she can. she says people over-react.
3) Ignoring some of the child's bad/undesirable behavior is actually a therepeutic technique. that doesn't mean not intervening (OP stated countless times she DOES intervene). but it means you won't see the child punished the way you think would be fair. The therapist PP explained quite well how this works.

[Anonymous]

Ignoring some undesirable behavior isn't just used in SN therapy. Parents and teachers of attention-seeking NT kids use it, spouses use it, heck even puppy owners. This is the first time I have ever heard a professional extend it to behaviors that are impacting the general public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and people - it would be embarrassing if I didn't call you out when you're being hateful and unkind to my innocent disabled child for being odd. That's what would be embarrassing. You are all so determined to be able to correct and judge others that you can't bear the idea of extenuating circumstances and you're setting yourselves up for some massive falls. The most superior toddler parents have the worst behaved middle schoolers. Enjoy that.

So, OP, you wish bad things on people who disagree with you. Got it. But yeah, you're totally in the right here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and people - it would be embarrassing if I didn't call you out when you're being hateful and unkind to my innocent disabled child for being odd. That's what would be embarrassing. You are all so determined to be able to correct and judge others that you can't bear the idea of extenuating circumstances and you're setting yourselves up for some massive falls. The most superior toddler parents have the worst behaved middle schoolers. Enjoy that.

Don't really understand what you are trying to say here, but if your original goal in posting was to communicate more tolerance for your autistic child when in public and exhibiting bad behaviors, you failed badly. It is you who sounds extremely intolerant and entitled and everyone can feel that when reading your posts. You fail.

[Anonymous]

Very grateful not not be OP. Not because her son has SN, but because she is so delusional and her delusions are clearly causing so much pain for her and others. I'm really concerned about the other NT kids she says she has and her spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very grateful not not be OP. Not because her son has SN, but because she is so delusional and her delusions are clearly causing so much pain for her and others. I'm really concerned about the other NT kids she says she has and her spouse.

Can you explain exactly what you think is delusional? Because I see a mom reporting something entirely believable - that her child with ASD faces social disapproval in public. You might want to stop and consider that it appears delusional because it's not your life. It seems to me that what really triggers people is that she is standing up for her son's right to exist in public ... NOT to let him harm other kids (as she has made it very clear she's on top of him) but simply not to be yelled at for being odd and visibly different. It seems to me that people thirst for justice and feel that yelling at the odd kid is their right (especially if they perceive the mother as not being sufficiently harsh on the kid). When someone in a minority tells you about their life and experience it's really sketchy to call them "delusional."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very grateful not not be OP. Not because her son has SN, but because she is so delusional and her delusions are clearly causing so much pain for her and others. I'm really concerned about the other NT kids she says she has and her spouse.

So if OP is so delusional why would your sympathy lie with the NT kids and not the SN child? Your prejudice is showing. You aren't "really concerned" about anything; you're just furious at the thought that your judgmental behavior might be wrong.
""

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh and people - it would be embarrassing if I didn't call you out when you're being hateful and unkind to my innocent disabled child for being odd. That's what would be embarrassing. You are all so determined to be able to correct and judge others that you can't bear the idea of extenuating circumstances and you're setting yourselves up for some massive falls. The most superior toddler parents have the worst behaved middle schoolers. Enjoy that.

Don't really understand what you are trying to say here, but if your original goal in posting was to communicate more tolerance for your autistic child when in public and exhibiting bad behaviors, you failed badly. It is you who sounds extremely intolerant and entitled and everyone can feel that when reading your posts. You fail.

She's right to be intolerant. You don't get it. She's defending her child and that makes you mad, because you don't want to have to be exposed to disabilities that make you uncomfortable. You want her and her child to have to earn the right to be in public, either through perfect behavior or through a constant acknowledgment that they are lesser-than, basically a walking apology for living.

I'll say one thing - the one piece of advice OP got here that she probably WOULD be best to internalize is to stop caring what other people think. Because the world is a crappy place to people who are inconveniently different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:30 here. I don't live in DC, and I don't know who the OP is. I don't agree with how this conversation has taken place, and I hoped to add a different perspective. I would think that the difference in syntax and diction between myself and the op would make it clear that we are different people.
To the 'fascinating' comment or, if a client was displaying aggressive behavior (spitting on a person, growling at a person,etc.) I would most likely address it, give them an opportunity to try an alternative coping mechanism and then remove them from the situation if necessary. However, I do question what is aggressive behavior and the intent. I have been growled at and spit near by NT children playing pretend or simply getting overexcited at the playground. It is also not uncommon for older children to invade a smaller child's play area without repercussions--that's fine. Honestly, unless it is causing harm (like biting) I ignore it and let their caregivers handle it. No the behaviors are not acceptable, but what does it cost me to police someone else 's child whom I don't know be giving someone the benefit of believing that they are doing the best the can in that moment. I don't consider a child snatching a toy, apologizing, and giving it back a problem. Kids suck at sharing and it is something that can really only be learned through practice. To be sure, it doesn't feel great to have something snatched away from you, but barring extreme trauma, it won't do irreversible damage.

The problem, PP, is that OP doesn't apologize. I would have had a VERY hard time believing that other parents are "furious" with her "all the time" if she was apologizing... people just don't do that. Maybe there's a single nutcase here or there, but that's it. People don't invent that someone is spitting on them, regardless of what OP says her son's intention was or how she argues that every single one of them is overreacting. Antisocial behavior always requires apologies, even as children, ESPECIALLY if the parent is standing right there.

And voila, she has admitted that her strategy is to ignore a lot of the behavior rather than apologize for it. With her attitude of denial and entitlement, I can absolutely understand where other parents are coming from, and I can foresee even more problems for her and her child as he gets older. I can't imagine other parents being happy to include a child with those challenges who has a mother with that attitude.

To me, it's pretty clear that the OP is the problem. This has absolutely nothing to do with autistic kids in general, or SN kids in general, or SN vs NT kids, or any such thing. I'm personally a bit offended that she's trying to extrapolate this into some sort of vendetta against SN kids. I can tell you that my kids are also SN, just in different ways. But I don't expect other people to magically know what to expect of my children or what their challenges are.

Anyway, I'm done with this thread. I agree with some of the other PPs that the OP has only succeeded in making us less sympathetic to her situation, not more so. Hopefully it's at least given her some food for thought, even if it takes her a while to face it.

1) when a kid has behavioral issues, no amount of apologizing by the mother will fix things with the kid. it's understandable to expect an apology, but realize where it comes from.
2) OP has said she does apologize if she can. she says people over-react.
3) Ignoring some of the child's bad/undesirable behavior is actually a therepeutic technique. that doesn't mean not intervening (OP stated countless times she DOES intervene). but it means you won't see the child punished the way you think would be fair. The therapist PP explained quite well how this works.
[/quote

1. Apologizing is not for OP's kid it's recognizing social behavior and even though her kid may not understand OP certainly understands that her kid pushing , growling and spitting on another child is upsetting to the other child.

2. OP claims to apologize some of the time when she can. Please not that this is a recent claim by her. If you ead the thread in it's entirety she made no such claim in fact she was almost beligerent in her belife that those behaviors were no big deal.

3. OP is a manipulator
- Twits words to benefit her
- says ( types) one thing then denies it or claims she meant something different
- attempts to use guilt to get your support and if you don't cosign everything she believes she lashes out and becomes nasty at the same time if you appear to agree with her she turns up her charm and plays into her own feelings of being a victim so very trusting people ( readers) feel sorry for her.
-diminishes everyone else's difficulties

[Anonymous]

1. Apologizing is not for OP's kid it's recognizing social behavior and even though her kid may not understand OP certainly understands that her kid pushing , growling and spitting on another child is upsetting to the other child.

2. OP claims to apologize some of the time when she can. Please not that this is a recent claim by her. If you ead the thread in it's entirety she made no such claim in fact she was almost beligerent in her belife that those behaviors were no big deal.

3. OP is a manipulator
- Twists words to benefit her
- says ( types) one thing then denies it or claims she meant something different
- attempts to use guilt to get your support and if you don't cosign everything she believes she lashes out and becomes nasty at the same time if you appear to agree with her she turns up her charm and plays into her own feelings of being a victim so very trusting people ( readers) feel sorry for her.
-diminishes everyone else's difficulties

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh and people - it would be embarrassing if I didn't call you out when you're being hateful and unkind to my innocent disabled child for being odd. That's what would be embarrassing. You are all so determined to be able to correct and judge others that you can't bear the idea of extenuating circumstances and you're setting yourselves up for some massive falls. The most superior toddler parents have the worst behaved middle schoolers. Enjoy that.

Don't really understand what you are trying to say here, but if your original goal in posting was to communicate more tolerance for your autistic child when in public and exhibiting bad behaviors, you failed badly. It is you who sounds extremely intolerant and entitled and everyone can feel that when reading your posts. You fail.

She's right to be intolerant. You don't get it. She's defending her child and that makes you mad, because you don't want to have to be exposed to disabilities that make you uncomfortable. You want her and her child to have to earn the right to be in public, either through perfect behavior or through a constant acknowledgment that they are lesser-than, basically a walking apology for living.

I'll say one thing - the one piece of advice OP got here that she probably WOULD be best to internalize is to stop caring what other people think. Because the world is a crappy place to people who are inconveniently different.

Why does OP have the right to defend her child, but no one else does?

Again read the whole thread before you jump up on your soapbox .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh and people - it would be embarrassing if I didn't call you out when you're being hateful and unkind to my innocent disabled child for being odd. That's what would be embarrassing. You are all so determined to be able to correct and judge others that you can't bear the idea of extenuating circumstances and you're setting yourselves up for some massive falls. The most superior toddler parents have the worst behaved middle schoolers. Enjoy that.

Don't really understand what you are trying to say here, but if your original goal in posting was to communicate more tolerance for your autistic child when in public and exhibiting bad behaviors, you failed badly. It is you who sounds extremely intolerant and entitled and everyone can feel that when reading your posts. You fail.

She's right to be intolerant. You don't get it. She's defending her child and that makes you mad, because you don't want to have to be exposed to disabilities that make you uncomfortable. You want her and her child to have to earn the right to be in public, either through perfect behavior or through a constant acknowledgment that they are lesser-than, basically a walking apology for living.

I'll say one thing - the one piece of advice OP got here that she probably WOULD be best to internalize is to stop caring what other people think. Because the world is a crappy place to people who are inconveniently different.

Why does OP have the right to defend her child, but no one else does?

Again read the whole thread before you jump up on your soapbox .

This. Thank you.