Separated and not yet ex DH is bringing girlfriend to kids events--can this be stopped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass OP. Doesn't he know he was supposed to be learning his lesson, realizing how good he had it with you and beg you to take him back? I swear men are so dense

Jesus, there is so much trash hanging out on this forum. A man is bringing a girlfriend of six weeks around his young children and you think the problem here is that the wife is jealous?

You are incredibly stupid if you think that's what this is about. OP is pissed because he is happy. Happier than she is and happier than SHE thinks he is allowed to be. I'm sure the Ex's new girlfriend is younger and prettier and that sent OP off to bat shit crazy land

You're calling a random stranger names and you think OP is the one who is batshit? It's like there's an insane asylum that sets nuts loose on this board once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

The alternative way to handle this would be to tell him that there is an event but not tell the kid that he'd been invited to the event. This is basically what I do. At the beginning of the month, I send my ex an email with the dates and times of any events that DD has for school or sports or whatever, and let him know that it would mean a lot to her if he was there for at least some of them. I don't talk about it with her. When she asks, I tell her something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if Daddy's coming or not. I will definitely be there, though!"

If it makes you feel good to think you are being the better person by basically acting as a secretary for someone who does not care to track events or show, then have at it. But don't shame other moms who don't have time for this kind of nonsense. You sound like a doormat.

I can see why you'd say that it sounds doormat-ish, but frankly, there are any number of situations where a thing is communicated to me and not to him. It's not posted on a website. I've tried to get his phone number added to the school's robo-call list and was told 3x that they can have only one number associated with a student for that service. So I get the robo-calls and when notes go home in her backpack and she's with me, I receive that information. That's usually how information about school assemblies and events is communicated - not through some system that he can access on his own. He comes if it's convenient for him. I learned a long time ago that he will only rearrange his schedule for either one of us in an actual emergency and not even always then.

And yes, in this situation, I do feel that I'm being the better person by communicating that information to him. The only events of hers that I've missed have been the result of a flyer going home on a night she's with him and him not communicating that to me.

Good for you. That's a perfectly logical and reasonable explanation. People don't realize that's the way it is. The other party can't always just "get" the information. You do sound like you're being the bigger person. Kudos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

PP, I think the bolded idea is reasonable . . . but three years? That seems excessive, and punitive. How did you arrive at this number? Also, how did you "make" your ex agree to this?

I can answer that. My gf had unlimited money from her wealthy father. If ex didn't play nice she'd take him right back to court. He got tired of large bills to his attorney and finally realized it wasn't worth being broke.

[Anonymous]

Op you can probably get no sleepovers for a certain amount of time written into the divorce agreement. You can't do much otherwise. Hold your head up and ignore them at events he brings her to. Your dignity is all you need here, do not waste time trying to control this man or his girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

PP, I think the bolded idea is reasonable . . . but three years? That seems excessive, and punitive. How did you arrive at this number? Also, how did you "make" your ex agree to this?

I am curious as to how Lawyer PP would have handled the situation if he had married a girlfriend he dated for a year. Was there anything in your agreement that accounted for that relationship status change? There is no way in hell that I would have agreed to a prohibition like the one you described. Maybe a shorter time period, but 3 years is a very long time to not even MEET the significant other. It sounds like your attempt to protect your kids was primarily designed to prevent him from having any kind of serious romantic relationship, since I know of very few individuals who would be willing to date a person with children for 3 years before being able to meet those kids.

[Anonymous]

OP screams "Control Freak"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass OP. Doesn't he know he was supposed to be learning his lesson, realizing how good he had it with you and beg you to take him back? I swear men are so dense

Jesus, there is so much trash hanging out on this forum. A man is bringing a girlfriend of six weeks around his young children and you think the problem here is that the wife is jealous?

And she is the real wife. Yes lot's of trash. Where I come from you get divorced first.
The woman that would do that is equally a pos as in dating married men. Poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP screams "Control Freak"

I wonder why he cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass OP. Doesn't he know he was supposed to be learning his lesson, realizing how good he had it with you and beg you to take him back? I swear men are so dense

Jesus, there is so much trash hanging out on this forum. A man is bringing a girlfriend of six weeks around his young children and you think the problem here is that the wife is jealous?

You are incredibly stupid if you think that's what this is about. OP is pissed because he is happy. Happier than she is and happier than SHE thinks he is allowed to be. I'm sure the Ex's new girlfriend is younger and prettier and that sent OP off to bat shit crazy land

You're calling a random stranger names and you think OP is the one who is batshit? It's like there's an insane asylum that sets nuts loose on this board once a week.

I think they called it as it is, that's not bat shit. They are legally married. He is bringing a girlfriend around the kids. Get divorced then you get to date.
Oh and he also cheated on the OP. Yes I'd say pp got it right. TRASH. I'm thinking you need to elevate your values and morals since the concept is foreign to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP screams "Control Freak"

I wonder why he cheated.

Same reason people kill, molest, cheat, steal...and they always claim something or someone "made" them do it. Hope that clears it up for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP screams "Control Freak"

I wonder why he cheated.

Same reason people kill, molest, cheat, steal...and they always claim something or someone "made" them do it. Hope that clears it up for you.

Where did anyone say OP made him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

PP, I think the bolded idea is reasonable . . . but three years? That seems excessive, and punitive. How did you arrive at this number? Also, how did you "make" your ex agree to this?

I am curious as to how Lawyer PP would have handled the situation if he had married a girlfriend he dated for a year. Was there anything in your agreement that accounted for that relationship status change? There is no way in hell that I would have agreed to a prohibition like the one you described. Maybe a shorter time period, but 3 years is a very long time to not even MEET the significant other. It sounds like your attempt to protect your kids was primarily designed to prevent him from having any kind of serious romantic relationship, since I know of very few individuals who would be willing to date a person with children for 3 years before being able to meet those kids.

Lawyer PP here. The three-year requirement is for any significant other. Unsurprisingly, my ex is not stable enough to maintain a relationship for a year, much less three years. I have remarried and before the three-year period was up for my husband to meet my kids, I simply explained in increasing detail what was going on and the settlement agreement we had in place. Anyone who is marrying a divorced person with children must be ready to make certain concessions to the situation that the divorce created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your exDH had a really shitty lawyer if they let you impose that on him.

Also, you are insane and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

PP, I think the bolded idea is reasonable . . . but three years? That seems excessive, and punitive. How did you arrive at this number? Also, how did you "make" your ex agree to this?

I am curious as to how Lawyer PP would have handled the situation if he had married a girlfriend he dated for a year. Was there anything in your agreement that accounted for that relationship status change? There is no way in hell that I would have agreed to a prohibition like the one you described. Maybe a shorter time period, but 3 years is a very long time to not even MEET the significant other. It sounds like your attempt to protect your kids was primarily designed to prevent him from having any kind of serious romantic relationship, since I know of very few individuals who would be willing to date a person with children for 3 years before being able to meet those kids.

Lawyer PP here. The three-year requirement is for any significant other. Unsurprisingly, my ex is not stable enough to maintain a relationship for a year, much less three years. I have remarried and before the three-year period was up for my husband to meet my kids, I simply explained in increasing detail what was going on and the settlement agreement we had in place. Anyone who is marrying a divorced person with children must be ready to make certain concessions to the situation that the divorce created.

But, why did you feel like 3 years was necessary? Why not 2, or 1?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

PP, I think the bolded idea is reasonable . . . but three years? That seems excessive, and punitive. How did you arrive at this number? Also, how did you "make" your ex agree to this?

I am curious as to how Lawyer PP would have handled the situation if he had married a girlfriend he dated for a year. Was there anything in your agreement that accounted for that relationship status change? There is no way in hell that I would have agreed to a prohibition like the one you described. Maybe a shorter time period, but 3 years is a very long time to not even MEET the significant other. It sounds like your attempt to protect your kids was primarily designed to prevent him from having any kind of serious romantic relationship, since I know of very few individuals who would be willing to date a person with children for 3 years before being able to meet those kids.

Lawyer PP here. The three-year requirement is for any significant other. Unsurprisingly, my ex is not stable enough to maintain a relationship for a year, much less three years. I have remarried and before the three-year period was up for my husband to meet my kids, I simply explained in increasing detail what was going on and the settlement agreement we had in place. Anyone who is marrying a divorced person with children must be ready to make certain concessions to the situation that the divorce created.

So you got married to someone who had never met your kids? That is extremely bizarre.