Separated and not yet ex DH is bringing girlfriend to kids events--can this be stopped?

[Anonymous]

Why do you even care? It's not like exDH's girlfriends are going to molest or beat your kids.

[Anonymous]

When I opened this thread I was expecting to read that you've been separated for like a month or something.

A year? OP, you've got to a) start moving on yourself and b) stop expecting that he won't move on. You can't control him anymore. News flash: he WILL date other women. Your children WILL meet them. One MAY become *gasp* their stepmother!! I recommend you start coming to terms with this sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you even care? It's not like exDH's girlfriends are going to molest or beat your kids.

No guarantees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

Not really. She can control who is ALONE with her children - other than their father - by putting a right of first refusal clause into the parenting agreement. We have one. If my ex wants to get a babysitter for any damn thing, he is required by our agreement to ask me first before contacting any. I am likewise required to offer that time with DD to him before anyone else. We are both remarried and do not adhere to it if, for example, I have to work until 7pm and send my husband to pick DD up from school instead of me. But when my ex went on a business trip for a week during his time, he offered to let DD stay with me instead of staying at his house with her stepmom, per our agreement.

You can TRY to get sleepovers prohibited, but in my experience, that may not be particularly meaningful. When DH and I were dating, I was not comfortable with him sleeping over when DD was with me, and functionally, the way that it worked after they met and we were spending time together as a unit was that we would do something with her and then go home and she'd go to bed, he and I would watch a movie and then he'd drive home. More than a few times, she woke up in the morning and was like, "Where did he go?" But we had been together for 6 months before we even got to THAT point. It's definitely different with shorter term relationships.

But realistically, what her ex does and who he sees when the kids are with him isn't something that she can really control beyond a few ground rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I opened this thread I was expecting to read that you've been separated for like a month or something.

A year? OP, you've got to a) start moving on yourself and b) stop expecting that he won't move on. You can't control him anymore. News flash: he WILL date other women. Your children WILL meet them. One MAY become *gasp* their stepmother!! I recommend you start coming to terms with this sooner rather than later.

+1. Move on. It's been a year. I'm sure once you find a new partner, you won't care anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you even care? It's not like exDH's girlfriends are going to molest or beat your kids.

No guarantees.

Eh, there pretty much is. The vast majority of cases where kids get beaten are molested, it's the ex-wife's new husband or boyfriend who does it. Divorced dads have a LOT more to worry about on that front that divorced moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

That sounds like a horrible (short sighted) approach. The kids will eventually grow up and understand the true nature of your relationship. There's usually enough blame on each side of the failed marriage so excluding him from their lives and activities could backfire and you will end up being the villain.

[Anonymous]

OP talk to your ex about the sleep overs. That shouldn't be happening since your kids are so small. You can get temporary orders banning both of you having overnight guests and them watching your kids. If he is serious about this woman he needs to introduce them slowly.
Has he done that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you even care? It's not like exDH's girlfriends are going to molest or beat your kids.

No guarantees.

Eh, there pretty much is. The vast majority of cases where kids get beaten are molested, it's the ex-wife's new husband or boyfriend who does it. Divorced dads have a LOT more to worry about on that front that divorced moms.

Please define "vast majority".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

That sounds like a horrible (short sighted) approach. The kids will eventually grow up and understand the true nature of your relationship. There's usually enough blame on each side of the failed marriage so excluding him from their lives and activities could backfire and you will end up being the villain.

+1000. You are the villain in this secret keeping scenario, not your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

[Anonymous]

Big law attorney here again. One more thing: make sure to have a non-disparagement clause in your divorce settlement and make sure to attach fines to each violation. Even if you don't allow your ex to bring random people around your kids, a lot of the good you are trying to do with that will be undone if he can badmouth you to the kids or other people and make you out to be crazy for not letting him bring the latest fling around.