Separated and not yet ex DH is bringing girlfriend to kids events--can this be stopped?

[Anonymous]

OP, this is simple.

Contact your lawyer and get the divorce paperwork going. Ask the lawyer to write that language into the divorce decree, whether sleepovers are allowed, if you want certain limitations on how often your kids are exposed to his GFs.

All these things are possible - we used a mediator and she encouraged us to add these things to avoid a situation like yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

The alternative way to handle this would be to tell him that there is an event but not tell the kid that he'd been invited to the event. This is basically what I do. At the beginning of the month, I send my ex an email with the dates and times of any events that DD has for school or sports or whatever, and let him know that it would mean a lot to her if he was there for at least some of them. I don't talk about it with her. When she asks, I tell her something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if Daddy's coming or not. I will definitely be there, though!"

Another alternative is to let dad plan things on his time so he can have one on one. No kid wants to be with their step parents, they don't ask for step parents or new bf/gf. They want one on one with their parents period. Each needs to make sure they do that even though they aren't together.

This is false. My parents divorced young. I loved and adored both my step parents and still do. In fact, I would have been hurt if they hadn't attended events or participated in my life. Unfortunately, blended families are pretty common nowadays. Kids end up having two families. Not just a bubble of Mom and divorced Dad.

That's true, but more often than not they don't like the steps. For every child that is close to the steps, another is not. At least in the beginning mom and dad should try to keep others at bay until it's serious. Really not much to ask to ensure stability.

[Anonymous]

He's an ass OP. Doesn't he know he was supposed to be learning his lesson, realizing how good he had it with you and beg you to take him back? I swear men are so dense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass OP. Doesn't he know he was supposed to be learning his lesson, realizing how good he had it with you and beg you to take him back? I swear men are so dense

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

I'd be horrified that a 6 week gf is spending the night where my children are staying.

OP first meet with him and have a long talk. Do it nicely, explain how this is not good for the kids. Date her etc. his business. Sleep overs and having her around the kids unless it becomes serious needs to stop. He can either agree or go to court. Put it nicely but firm. He will likely not want to spend more money fighting so hopefully he will act like a responsible adult. If not....see your attorney asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass OP. Doesn't he know he was supposed to be learning his lesson, realizing how good he had it with you and beg you to take him back? I swear men are so dense

Jesus, there is so much trash hanging out on this forum. A man is bringing a girlfriend of six weeks around his young children and you think the problem here is that the wife is jealous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

How do you know it's only been 6 weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass OP. Doesn't he know he was supposed to be learning his lesson, realizing how good he had it with you and beg you to take him back? I swear men are so dense

Jesus, there is so much trash hanging out on this forum. A man is bringing a girlfriend of six weeks around his young children and you think the problem here is that the wife is jealous?

You are incredibly stupid if you think that's what this is about. OP is pissed because he is happy. Happier than she is and happier than SHE thinks he is allowed to be. I'm sure the Ex's new girlfriend is younger and prettier and that sent OP off to bat shit crazy land

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Ding, ding, ding. There is the problem. Ex is flaunting his hot girlfriend around Op

[Anonymous]

What are the kids opinions of this new girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

PP, I think the bolded idea is reasonable . . . but three years? That seems excessive, and punitive. How did you arrive at this number? Also, how did you "make" your ex agree to this?

[Anonymous]

The guy is a cheater. Obviously didn't put his kids first to begin with OP.
You really should file for child support and split the 401k's or whatever assets you/he have. OP I think you allowed him to step all over you. Now it's time to get a ball buster attorney and go after him. Get everything written down specifically as others have encouraged and stick with that. On your time DO NOT include your sleazy ex. My sister does neutral pickups and dropoffs because she doesn't want ex near her home. It's healthier for you to move forward putting your ex out of your life as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Ding, ding, ding. There is the problem. Ex is flaunting his hot girlfriend around Op

Ding ding...the kids are small dirt ball ex has only known newest flame for six weeks. He's already doing sleep overs.
btw your reading comprehension sucks. It's about the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Ding, ding, ding. There is the problem. Ex is flaunting his hot girlfriend around Op

Ding ding...the kids are small dirt ball ex has only known newest flame for six weeks. He's already doing sleep overs.
btw your reading comprehension sucks. It's about the kids.

Read the bold dumbass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

The alternative way to handle this would be to tell him that there is an event but not tell the kid that he'd been invited to the event. This is basically what I do. At the beginning of the month, I send my ex an email with the dates and times of any events that DD has for school or sports or whatever, and let him know that it would mean a lot to her if he was there for at least some of them. I don't talk about it with her. When she asks, I tell her something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if Daddy's coming or not. I will definitely be there, though!"

If it makes you feel good to think you are being the better person by basically acting as a secretary for someone who does not care to track events or show, then have at it. But don't shame other moms who don't have time for this kind of nonsense. You sound like a doormat.

I can see why you'd say that it sounds doormat-ish, but frankly, there are any number of situations where a thing is communicated to me and not to him. It's not posted on a website. I've tried to get his phone number added to the school's robo-call list and was told 3x that they can have only one number associated with a student for that service. So I get the robo-calls and when notes go home in her backpack and she's with me, I receive that information. That's usually how information about school assemblies and events is communicated - not through some system that he can access on his own. He comes if it's convenient for him. I learned a long time ago that he will only rearrange his schedule for either one of us in an actual emergency and not even always then.

And yes, in this situation, I do feel that I'm being the better person by communicating that information to him. The only events of hers that I've missed have been the result of a flyer going home on a night she's with him and him not communicating that to me.