Separated and not yet ex DH is bringing girlfriend to kids events--can this be stopped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

With that attitude, it doesn't sound like you should've ever been married with kids. You sound selfish and are setting yourself up for a very lonely existence when your kids grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

The alternative way to handle this would be to tell him that there is an event but not tell the kid that he'd been invited to the event. This is basically what I do. At the beginning of the month, I send my ex an email with the dates and times of any events that DD has for school or sports or whatever, and let him know that it would mean a lot to her if he was there for at least some of them. I don't talk about it with her. When she asks, I tell her something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if Daddy's coming or not. I will definitely be there, though!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

Easy answer. She should just invite him and not mention it to the kids. Mentioning that you've invited the dad to the event when you know he isn't going to show up is just cruel on the mom's part. She is deliberately trying to make him the bad guy and causing disappointment for the kids. Parents need to be mature and think about someone other than themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

The alternative way to handle this would be to tell him that there is an event but not tell the kid that he'd been invited to the event. This is basically what I do. At the beginning of the month, I send my ex an email with the dates and times of any events that DD has for school or sports or whatever, and let him know that it would mean a lot to her if he was there for at least some of them. I don't talk about it with her. When she asks, I tell her something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if Daddy's coming or not. I will definitely be there, though!"

If it makes you feel good to think you are being the better person by basically acting as a secretary for someone who does not care to track events or show, then have at it. But don't shame other moms who don't have time for this kind of nonsense. You sound like a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

Not that I'm remotely interested in your opinion, but I have kept away from my children the unstable people my ex likes to have around him. I am proud of this and glad I made the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

Easy answer. She should just invite him and not mention it to the kids. Mentioning that you've invited the dad to the event when you know he isn't going to show up is just cruel on the mom's part. She is deliberately trying to make him the bad guy and causing disappointment for the kids. Parents need to be mature and think about someone other than themselves.

Exactly this. PP, sorry but your Mom set you up to feel bad about your Dad. My DH's ex is like that. She will not let him know about an event, then tell his DD that's he's coming. And when he doesn't show up (because he doesn't know about it), she will tell her he doesn't care about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

Agreed. This sounds super controlling to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

Easy answer. She should just invite him and not mention it to the kids. Mentioning that you've invited the dad to the event when you know he isn't going to show up is just cruel on the mom's part. She is deliberately trying to make him the bad guy and causing disappointment for the kids. Parents need to be mature and think about someone other than themselves.

Exactly this. PP, sorry but your Mom set you up to feel bad about your Dad. My DH's ex is like that. She will not let him know about an event, then tell his DD that's he's coming. And when he doesn't show up (because he doesn't know about it), she will tell her he doesn't care about her.

PP here. There are so many misogynists on this board who go out of their way to blame women all the time. What gives with you people? Thanks for projecting, but now that I am an adult, I have discussed with my father. He admits he knew about my events and says he didn't show up because he was irresponsible and more focused on enjoying his life than on being a father. My mother told me when she invited him because I would ask her to invite him. There is no reason why she should've carried the blame by pretending she didn't tell him, but I kind of wish she had said to me "Honey, your father never comes. I come because I love you. Let's stop inviting him and let him reach out when he is ready." That kind of guidance would've let me deal with the disappointment once and for all and stop getting my hopes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

You are a rock star! Good for you for making the extra effort to protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

Agreed. This sounds super controlling to me.

+1. Feel bad for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

All I hear is, "Me, Me, Me". I'm sure your kids will be happy to know that your vast knowledge of the law was used to control their dad's personal life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

Only when she is with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Your prescriptive settlement is missing the forest for the trees. While it makes you feel in control and might be satisfying, I wonder what long-term impact that has had on the kids.

Agreed. This sounds super controlling to me.

+1. Feel bad for the kids.

I feel bad for the kids too! What kid wouldn't want the chance to get attached to the flavor of the month only for her to disappear or turn out to be crazy? It is definitely best for the kids to be exposed to as many short-term flings as possible. Think of all the fun people they've missed out on. Terrible mom.