Separated and not yet ex DH is bringing girlfriend to kids events--can this be stopped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Three years?? You've got issues.
You sound like a controlling nightmare & you found a way to be your control freak self & continue control him still after the divorce.

Ugh, no wonder he divorced you.

Lawyer PP here. Ah, the "he left you!" dig. Except that I left him. Nice try though!

And to the person accusing me of sock puppeting: Er, no. Try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

Three years?? You've got issues.
You sound like a controlling nightmare & you found a way to be your control freak self & continue control him still after the divorce.

Ugh, no wonder he divorced you.

Lawyer PP here. Ah, the "he left you!" dig. Except that I left him. Nice try though!

And to the person accusing me of sock puppeting: Er, no. Try again.

[Anonymous]

I think it's pathetic that so-called parents can't put off dating for a few years while their small children are dealing with their parents' divorce. Just pathetic. Everyone thinks with their groins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pathetic that so-called parents can't put off dating for a few years while their small children are dealing with their parents' divorce. Just pathetic. Everyone thinks with their groins.

Posters in the DCUM relationship section are mostly vicious, unhappy people with serious issues. It's always the woman's fault and men should be given passes for most things, according to these kooks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pathetic that so-called parents can't put off dating for a few years while their small children are dealing with their parents' divorce. Just pathetic. Everyone thinks with their groins.

You're the same bitter person on the Good Divorce and at least 2 more threads. THERAPY. STAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pathetic that so-called parents can't put off dating for a few years while their small children are dealing with their parents' divorce. Just pathetic. Everyone thinks with their groins.

That's what I'm thinking. Too many who shouldn't have gotten married nor had kids. At least get divorced. If you date don't bring that person around your kids. Not unless it's leading to marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think he still loves you & is trying to make you jealous.

Don't let him!

[Anonymous]

OP, at least your STBXDH isn't my brother. That worthless waste of oxygen was carrying on an affair with a woman who worked as a topless bartender and occasional stripper. One day he tells his wife he doesn't love her and walks out on his 3 year old twin girls. Same day, he and the stripper move in together.

Fast forward 4 months to the twins' 4th birthday party, hosted by their mother. My brother is invited (because my now-exSIL is a far better person than me). He rolls up with the stripper! And then they have the audacity to get upset that people wouldn't speak to them and made stripper chick uncomfortable! WTF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

Sorry but you can't control him anymore.

Yes she can control who is around her children.

No, she can't. Impossible to enforce.

biglaw here.

She can't.

NP. Another big law attorney here. Yes, she can, but only as part of divorce proceedings. When I divorced, I made my husband agree to a clause in our settlement that barred him from having any significant other around our children until they had been dating for at least three years. I also barred him from bringing any friend (except for those listed in the agreement) around our children without prior approval from me. I agreed to be similarly bound. I also had a fine (and reimbursement of attorneys' fees needed to enforce the clause) attached to each violation. These clauses expire when our youngest child turns 14.

It has been 9 years since our divorce and we have done well for the most part. I had to enforce the clause once when he had a girlfriend of several months skulking around our kids and was claiming she was just a tenant. I gathered evidence she was more than a tenant. He called my bluff regarding enforcing the girlfriend clause, so I went to court and had him enjoined from having her around the kids. And I enforced the fine (no attorneys' fees because I handled the matter myself).

You can do a lot with a settlement agreement, but an agreement is only as strong as you are. My ex knows I will strangle him and send his soul to Hades if he brings any of his shady friends, exes, nextses, and drama around our children.

You are a bad ass. Major props. I don't know if I want you more as my friend or my attorney!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, at least your STBXDH isn't my brother. That worthless waste of oxygen was carrying on an affair with a woman who worked as a topless bartender and occasional stripper. One day he tells his wife he doesn't love her and walks out on his 3 year old twin girls. Same day, he and the stripper move in together.

Fast forward 4 months to the twins' 4th birthday party, hosted by their mother. My brother is invited (because my now-exSIL is a far better person than me). He rolls up with the stripper! And then they have the audacity to get upset that people wouldn't speak to them and made stripper chick uncomfortable! WTF.

NP here. This kind of BS is exactly why DD is probably getting 2 parties this year. None of my friends and family want to speak with him and it would ruin the party. If he wants to invite his friends and family to a party, he can throw his own.

This is making me think out, and going to talk out with my lawyer, the possibility of putting in a clause that says we both get to approve non-family members moving in before DD is a certain age. DH would be tempted to rent out rooms to strangers and even previously wanted a shady friend to move in with us who is associated with other shady people and has no car, so they would have come to our house to hang out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation. The truth is cheaters create fake fronts for themselves to look like good people while they engage in their predatory behavior. When you were married, you were your Ex's false front that made him look like a good guy. Now that your marriage is over, your ex is using the kids to create his fake image. He holds them out to girlfriends and orhers so that he can be seen as a good dad. If he brings a woman to an kids' event, in his mind he wins. He is a good dad showing up to see his kids who is loved by another woman, if not you.

It's messed up, but hard to change. I sent my ex an email saying that experts say neither of us should introduce the kids to dates unless it was a serious relationship that passed the one year mark. I xeroxed some pages from the Sandcastles divorce book and highlighted the relevant passages and attached it to the email.

It worked, although he them didn't really think at all about how to introduce his fiance at the one year mark - which was a different sort of problem.

As you divorce you can negotiate a no paramours overnight with the kids clause, but it's basically unenforceable.

Try to take the high road. Model the behavior you would like to see your kids enjoy and your husband mimic.

Kids are smart. Mine were very young at the divorce. But after 10 years they see their Dad for what he is - sort of an irresponaible loser that they still have feelings for.

This is my STBEX to a T. Thank you for articulating it so well.

[Anonymous]

I still wanna know how these "you can't date anyone for X years, I get to approve your new love interests" clauses even get into the divorce agreement. Why would anyone agree to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still wanna know how these "you can't date anyone for X years, I get to approve your new love interests" clauses even get into the divorce agreement. Why would anyone agree to that?

You should believe very little of what you read here. This is not a place for accurate information, it is a place for entertainment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still wanna know how these "you can't date anyone for X years, I get to approve your new love interests" clauses even get into the divorce agreement. Why would anyone agree to that?

You are deliberately mis-stating this clause. Wach party can go out with whomever they want on their own time. No one gets to "approve" love interests. These clauses are signed because both parents acknowledge that it's in the best interests not to be introduced to boyfriends or girlfriends until a stable long term relationship has developed between the adults. It's about putting the best interests of the child first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still wanna know how these "you can't date anyone for X years, I get to approve your new love interests" clauses even get into the divorce agreement. Why would anyone agree to that?

You misunderstand. No one is interested in who the exes date. The divorce agreement only dictates what they are allowed to do around their children. They can all go crazy on the days they don't have the kids - which, let's admit it, is probably ample time if they are male since moms typically get more custody time. If I divorce, I wouldn't get two shits who my ex-h dates. But I will do all I can to control what happens around my children.