Reply to Separated and not yet ex DH is bringing girlfriend to kids events--can this be stopped?

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Reply to "Separated and not yet ex DH is bringing girlfriend to kids events--can this be stopped?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP are these school events?  When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that.  Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too. [/quote]

+1.  I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc.  It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared.  He doesn't.  It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore.  It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself.  I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not. [/quote]

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.[/quote]
Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different. [/quote]

The alternative way to handle this would be to tell him that there is an event but not tell the kid that he'd been invited to the event. This is basically what I do. At the beginning of the month, I send my ex an email with the dates and times of any events that DD has for school or sports or whatever, and let him know that it would mean a lot to her if he was there for at least some of them. I don't talk about it with her. When she asks, I tell her something along the lines of, "I'm not sure if Daddy's coming or not. I will definitely be there, though!"[/quote]
If it makes you feel good to think you are being the better person by basically acting as a secretary for someone who does not care to track events or show, then have at it. But don't shame other moms who don't have time for this kind of nonsense. You sound like a doormat.[/quote]

I can see why you'd say that it sounds doormat-ish, but frankly, there are any number of situations where a thing is communicated to me and not to him. It's not posted on a website. I've tried to get his phone number added to the school's robo-call list and was told 3x that they can have only one number associated with a student for that service. So I get the robo-calls and when notes go home in her backpack and she's with me, I receive that information. That's usually how information about school assemblies and events is communicated - not through some system that he can access on his own. He comes if it's convenient for him. I learned a long time ago that he will only rearrange his schedule for either one of us in an actual emergency and not even always then.

And yes, in this situation, I do feel that I'm being the better person by communicating that information to him. The only events of hers that I've missed have been the result of a flyer going home on a night she's with him and him not communicating that to me. [/quote]

Good for you. That's a perfectly logical and reasonable explanation. People don't realize that's the way it is. The other party can't always just "get" the information. You do sound like you're being the bigger person. Kudos.[/quote]

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