Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mother. Didn't function as an adult and blames depression or whatever and would not really get help. Also, lazy and wouldn't do much around the house and 'worked' part-time. Get your shit together and stop making excuses. Honestly, I hope your husband and kids leave you because you don't deserve them. You just don't. They need someone who will step up to the plate when needed and you aren't it. I sound harsh but this is how kids of mothers like this end up eventually, angry.

You are a sad pathetic poster with a sad pathetic life.

No the poster sounds like she is giving OP the reality check she needs. This is who your kids will grow up to be if you don't deal
With your depression and your immaturity. Your poor husband does resent you, don't kid yourself. Everyday he pushes through for the sake of his kids. He is probably terrified of what would happen to them if you had 50/50
Custody. So he soldiers on.

I'm the poster and having a mother who would not take care of her mental health was miserable for us growing up. My parents eventually got a divorcee. I remember being a teen and not having a medical issue taken care of for months, just one example of how my mother wasn't present. When you have kids and a marriage you don't have the luxury of navel reflecting, you get the help you need and you contribute. What is her husband supposed to just indefinitely put up with this? Her kids are supposed to unconditionally love her even though she's not giving them enough in return. Those of you who want to coddle her are delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mother. Didn't function as an adult and blames depression or whatever and would not really get help. Also, lazy and wouldn't do much around the house and 'worked' part-time. Get your shit together and stop making excuses. Honestly, I hope your husband and kids leave you because you don't deserve them. You just don't. They need someone who will step up to the plate when needed and you aren't it. I sound harsh but this is how kids of mothers like this end up eventually, angry.

You are a sad pathetic poster with a sad pathetic life.

No the poster sounds like she is giving OP the reality check she needs. This is who your kids will grow up to be if you don't deal
With your depression and your immaturity. Your poor husband does resent you, don't kid yourself. Everyday he pushes through for the sake of his kids. He is probably terrified of what would happen to them if you had 50/50
Custody. So he soldiers on.

I'm the poster and having a mother who would not take care of her mental health was miserable for us growing up. My parents eventually got a divorcee. I remember being a teen and not having a medical issue taken care of for months, just one example of how my mother wasn't present. When you have kids and a marriage you don't have the luxury of navel reflecting, you get the help you need and you contribute. What is her husband supposed to just indefinitely put up with this? Her kids are supposed to unconditionally love her even though she's not giving them enough in return. Those of you who want to coddle her are delusional. Just wanted to add that I have a great life now and part of it is that I no longer speak to my mother. I'm thrilled to have cut off that toxic emotional vampire. Hint OP you are an emotional vampire to your family.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need CBT, not a regular therapist and maybe not even whatever meds he/she put you on. I was in your shoes. You will spin your wheels for years in regular therapy. You can get better, but you won't get better doing what you're doing now. At my worst, I couldn't be alone with my kids and would walk over to the pantry overwhelmed at the thought of how to make them dinner.

Don't listen to the angry posters telling you what a shit mom you are. You're not. You sound really aware of what's going on, and that will benefit you in treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need CBT, not a regular therapist and maybe not even whatever meds he/she put you on. I was in your shoes. You will spin your wheels for years in regular therapy. You can get better, but you won't get better doing what you're doing now. At my worst, I couldn't be alone with my kids and would walk over to the pantry overwhelmed at the thought of how to make them dinner.

Don't listen to the angry posters telling you what a shit mom you are. You're not. You sound really aware of what's going on, and that will benefit you in treatment.

I don't see anyone calling her a shit mom. Rather, I see people encouraging her to be present and contribute as opposed to throwing in the towel.

And fwiw, even parents who aren't suffering from depression feel overwhelmed at the the thought of preparing dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have spent the past few days reflecting on my life (wife here) and realized that I don't contribute much to the actually running of my household. It's a difficult thing to admit, but it's true and there. I know how I got here (PPD after my second basically made me withdraw from parenting and honestly adulting (bills, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc). I resisted treatment until my husband literally had an intervention with my parents. It saved my life (I had some dark thoughts). At the time, I fought it because I assumed being consistently overwhelmed to the point of just wanting to quietly leave your family for a cabin in the woods with no outside stimulation was absolutely normal. It's not, apparently.

But two years of therapy, medication, and life later, I am still sort of outside looking in. My husband handles everything. And I mean everything. Here is what I do on a normal working day. I go to work where I am a competent, helpful employee. The process of getting out of the house (without a single interruption) takes me an hour at least). Here's what my husband does. Gets the children dressed, feeds them breakfast, gets dressed, handles the dog, gets lunches packed, backpacks packs, and loads the kids up. He does this within the same amount of time it takes me to get myself put together. Alone. Does drop off. Works (where he makes 5 times what I make -- no, I don't need to work, but until I went back, I was facing a Slyvia Plath outcome). Picks the children up. Dinner? Well, it's already made -- most likely because he crockpots and cooks on the weekend. He's constantly moving, constantly cleaning, constantly engaging the kids. Laundry? Well, he throws a load in during breakfast, throws it in the dryer when he gets home, and then folds after the kids go to bed. Hell, the man even does MY laundry and dry cleaning runs. It's exhausting to watch and daunting and quite frankly while I appreciate it, I don't know how I can even do 1/10th of what he does. So, this turns into me backing away, hanging back, not doing much, but complaining about the state of affairs (It's a MESS HERE, I say, while absolutely doing nothing about it because I find cleaning and organizing to be overwhemling).

My marriage isn't in the greatest of places because of this. I find myself resentful of my husband's ability to handle life quite frankly. I am fairly certain that he has some resentment of his own, but it's tapered by obvious concern about my mental health. We're in counseling and when the issue came up (mostly because despite my non-involvement, the children prefer me to him by a massive amount, making me feel even more overwhelmed and suffocated by their constant chants of mommomomomomomo), he admitted that the children preferred me because I don't do the bulk of the parenting, I'm never the bad guy, and they just have fun with me -- mostly by design because he doesn't think I can handle doing more because if I could obviously I would. I sort of cried and admitted that I have dropped the ball and agreed to do more, but am at a lost how to get in step with the machine (my family) as it's currently running. He's given me ideas, including leaving me with the kids this week while they are home on break. And I hate to admit this, but I am having the cabin the woods feeling.

Anyway, tl/dr, how can I do better as a parent?

If you were my wife I'd divorce you so fast AND get total custody of the kids you don't want. You are a pathetic excuse for a wife and mother.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're terrible, but I do think you're being incredibly indulgent with your mental illness - as is your husband.

You are not functioning. You are coasting through your relationship as a spouse and as a parent. It's not fair to your children, your spouse, or your future self who will have no relationship with your spouse or children.

On the other hand - whoa. I see some of myself here - enough that I googled CBT therapists in my own area. Sometimes the fact that it's a bath night with two kids under four makes me feel defeated. But here's the thing - you just keep swimming. Just keep swimming

You, my friend, are not swimming. You are checking out.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me furious. Furious. You will never see this thread written by a man. You will never see a man expressing guilt that his wife is the default parent and does drop off, pick up, and everything in between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me furious. Furious. You will never see this thread written by a man. You will never see a man expressing guilt that his wife is the default parent and does drop off, pick up, and everything in between.

And I'd like to add that if a man ever posted anything like this, no one would ever tell him he was a shitty dad. No one would ever tell him he was acting indulgent. These are the totally unfair pressures we put on moms. Unless mom is doing it all she's a shitty mom. If mom punts to dad, she's a shitty mom. Shesvindulgent. We shouldn't coddle her mental illness.

You know what OP? Do what you can do and step up where you can and when you feel like it. That's how dads do it, and no one judges them for it.

[Anonymous]

PP, I call BS. A man who is completely absent on the home front is considered trash on this site. OP is being handled with kid gloves.

This is like the guy whose wife forces therapy for his infidelities. A year later, he's now well-aware of why he cheats. But he continues logging into his Tinder account, going to bars, and criticizing his wife's sexual performance or appearance even though she's trying to be enough for him. He's a love/sex addict though. And instead of random sexual encounters, he's "only" sexting and having phone sex with other women. It's progress!

To tell a mother and wife to step up only when she feels like it is enabling and unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Really? Please find me one post in the history of DCUM where a DH laments that he's not doing enough at home. One.

[Anonymous]

Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

Why?

Your premise is that men don't feel guilty for shirking parental responsibility, so why should op? It's a dumb premise.

Most men contribute to parenting. With so many families with two incomes, most parents have to contribute to running the household. I'm in a truly egalatarian marriage where my DH does 50-60% of the parenting/household chores. I would feel like an asshole if he did everything and I did nothing...and i certainly would think he was an asshole if he did nothing and watched me struggle.

The op needs to step up, not throw in the towel. You aren't helping her by telling her it's okay to completely check out because some men do that. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get feeling overwhelmed OP, but honest question - if your husbands not home and you have to man the fort solo, what's the worst that will happen? Do you honestly feel so incompetent that a kid will wind up dead? Seriously - ask yourself that.

Because if it's short of that then it's good enough for a first effort. Your goal here shouldn't be to do it well, just to do the bare minimum. Alive and not permanently maimed. At this point everything else is gravy.

Parenting is a skill. As you get more practiced and better at it, raise the bar. But for now it's like swimming lessons - get in the pool and put your face underwater.

The single biggest step forward for you is to just not quit. Don't focus on all the things you feel you're not doing. Get one thing you CAN do and do that. Readjust your baseline frame of reference. Your current state is what it is. Don't compare yourself to what you think you should be because you'll just come up short which will make you feel worse. Take an honest assessment of where you *actually* are, (try hard to) give up any shame about what that is - it just is, and then movain't forward compare yourself to that.

Next time you have the kids solo success is simply not calling DH home early. Doesn't matter if you cry much of the day and the kids are plugged in. That's still a win.

'The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.'

Take that first step. Don't look to where you're headed, but behind you to see the distance you cover.

You got this.

Great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

In these scenarios the wife is usually a SAHM. Not that it means husband is excused from any domestic contributions, but in OPs case husband works AND does everything domestic and kid-related.