Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, I believe she's depressed. However, she isn't totally helpless either and treating her with kid gloves at every step hasn't helped. It isn't ok to be hurtful towards her husband. She can control that. If the roles were reversed, I just don't see other posters giving a depressed husband a pass for being critical. You figure out a way to fix that shit immediately.

It sounds like she's been receiving the wrong kind of therapy. It doesn't matter what you think other posters would say to husbands posing the same question. I still think what you said about her kids being afraid she doesn't love them is a low blow. She's seeking help. That's not the time to show internet-stranger-tough-love.

You've got to be kidding me. What was so mean about what I said? I didn't insult or call her names. Her situation is salvageable. But I stand by what I said.

[Anonymous]

You are unfortunately still in the throes of depression OP.

The current treatment plan is failing miserably.

You need to talk to your Dr. and ask him to switch up your medication regimen because the current plan is useless.

Maybe he can switch you to a different medicine, up the dosage of your current one or prescribe you an add-on anti-depressant such as Abilify.
Plus you need to seek a GOOD therapist who can actually help you out.
One who can offer tangible results.

You got this OP.
You just need the proper tools in place.

Best of luck to you in your future endeavors!

[Anonymous]

DH definitely handles the majority of the load in our house (cooking, cleaning, groceries, kids). I take car of laundry and finances and try to help with everything, but like you it's hard when he seems to be so much better at it than I am and I find myself holding back. I have also struggled with depression and know the feeling of "I can't do this the way that I feel that I should so I'm not going to bother trying so I don't get disappointed by the result." I know that DH is amazing and I try to just force myself to do what I can to help out because I want to take care of him (and all of them) but frequently I feel like I should be doing more.

We also have the dynamic where the kids prefer me a lot of the time and the "mommommommommommommommommommom" can be soooo draining.

This past year has been better - the kids are finally sleeping better and letting me get a full nights sleep regularly again. I have found that alone has helped immensely for me being more involved around the house.

Honestly, I think what got me through PPD with #2 was the crisis when DH went away on a business trip a few weeks after I went back to work and right as he left the nanny gave notice, the kids both came down with colds and then I developed mastitis. In the middle of dealing with all of that, I decided that if I could handle that and make it through then I could handle life with kids.

[Anonymous]

You sound like my mother. Didn't function as an adult and blames depression or whatever and would not really get help. Also, lazy and wouldn't do much around the house and 'worked' part-time. Get your shit together and stop making excuses. Honestly, I hope your husband and kids leave you because you don't deserve them. You just don't. They need someone who will step up to the plate when needed and you aren't it. I sound harsh but this is how kids of mothers like this end up eventually, angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mother. Didn't function as an adult and blames depression or whatever and would not really get help. Also, lazy and wouldn't do much around the house and 'worked' part-time. Get your shit together and stop making excuses. Honestly, I hope your husband and kids leave you because you don't deserve them. You just don't. They need someone who will step up to the plate when needed and you aren't it. I sound harsh but this is how kids of mothers like this end up eventually, angry.

You are a sad pathetic poster with a sad pathetic life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mother. Didn't function as an adult and blames depression or whatever and would not really get help. Also, lazy and wouldn't do much around the house and 'worked' part-time. Get your shit together and stop making excuses. Honestly, I hope your husband and kids leave you because you don't deserve them. You just don't. They need someone who will step up to the plate when needed and you aren't it. I sound harsh but this is how kids of mothers like this end up eventually, angry.

You are a sad pathetic poster with a sad pathetic life.

No the poster sounds like she is giving OP the reality check she needs. This is who your kids will grow up to be if you don't deal
With your depression and your immaturity. Your poor husband does resent you, don't kid yourself. Everyday he pushes through for the sake of his kids. He is probably terrified of what would happen to them if you had 50/50
Custody. So he soldiers on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mother. Didn't function as an adult and blames depression or whatever and would not really get help. Also, lazy and wouldn't do much around the house and 'worked' part-time. Get your shit together and stop making excuses. Honestly, I hope your husband and kids leave you because you don't deserve them. You just don't. They need someone who will step up to the plate when needed and you aren't it. I sound harsh but this is how kids of mothers like this end up eventually, angry.

You are a sad pathetic poster with a sad pathetic life.

No the poster sounds like she is giving OP the reality check she needs. This is who your kids will grow up to be if you don't deal
With your depression and your immaturity. Your poor husband does resent you, don't kid yourself. Everyday he pushes through for the sake of his kids. He is probably terrified of what would happen to them if you had 50/50
Custody. So he soldiers on.

I am a NP. Take your shaming and >>>>>>>>>

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your act together. You were likely born a lazy person. You need to stop hiding behind ppd and "cabin in the woods." You are taking advantage of him. He's kind enough to step up and do the adulting, and then you throw that in his face by saying that makes you resentful.

Here's what you should do:

1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.

2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.

3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.

4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.

You're a terrible person. Do you know anything about mental illness, specifically depression? Do you not believe in science?

I have close friends and family who truly suffered from depression, and I have close friends and family who were simply lazy people.

Newsflash: even depressed people can run a load of laundry. Lazy people just bitch about the mess and whine about everything.

Two choices: wallow, or try harder. I suggest you try harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your act together. You were likely born a lazy person. You need to stop hiding behind ppd and "cabin in the woods." You are taking advantage of him. He's kind enough to step up and do the adulting, and then you throw that in his face by saying that makes you resentful.

Here's what you should do:

1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.

2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.

3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.

4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.

So how are you going to get your act together and stop being a bitch? You were likely just born that way but you've really got to do better! And I wish for you what you've given to OP, that someone kicks you when you are down.

I'm actually in the throes of depression myself, yet I don't have the luxury of throwing in the towel, sitting on my ass, and bitching about it. I didn't need a wake-up call, but op sounds like she does.

Google enabling. It's not helpful.

Seriously, op...you need to try. Just try. There's no reason why you need quiet alone time to dress in the morning while your husband handles the kids. Why can't you try to wake up 30 mins early and help...or at the very least be present? I didn't suggest you shoulder the burden yourself.

Why can't you run a load of laundry? It literally takes less than one minute to toss it in and hit start. There's no legit reason why you can't help with the laundry. Ditto for folding it and putting it away (or at the very least folding it).

If I were in your shoes, I would worry that my husband was holding it together until the kids leave...and that he will leave once they are out of the house. Not many people are equipped to tolerate a freeloader.

You are depressed. So am I. But I'm not a helpless freeloader. Are you? That's your choice. Give into depression or fight.

[Anonymous]

OP I wonder if you're still reading. This thread has oscillated pretty wildly and I guess I fall somewhere in the middle. My husband developed depression after our second child was born - he had an awful professional setback and kid #2 had horrendous reflux and the combination just sent him into a bad place. I never heard as much sympathy here when I posted as what you had on the first few pages here, so yeah, I think there is a bit of a double standard.

I'm not going to call you names etc, but you need to take some responsibility for your situation. Treatment alone is not enough - you need to start doing some of what it takes to manage your family life. There is no magic pill that is going to make you enjoy all aspects of this, or even feel like you have the energy to do it. But simply going through the motions of laundry, getting dinner, etc can be enough and it can be empowering too.

Your husband shares some responsibility too - he needs to let go and put some of the burden back on your plate. He may not want to do that, either because he is afraid for you or because he'd rather just get it done himself. But believe me the time will come where he will have his own dark thoughts if you don't change your dynamic.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why people with depression seemingly get a free pass.

People with cancer still go to work, cook, and do laundry. Ditto for people suffering with chronic fatigue syndrome.

You've fallen into a routine whereby you've abdicated all responsibility to your enabling husband. Interestingly, you can manage to go to work and be productive...which is more than most of the people I know with true depression can do. So, you can funtion. Try harder. Baby steps. But don't just throw in the towel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your act together. You were likely born a lazy person. You need to stop hiding behind ppd and "cabin in the woods." You are taking advantage of him. He's kind enough to step up and do the adulting, and then you throw that in his face by saying that makes you resentful.

Here's what you should do:

1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.

2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.

3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.

4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.

You're a terrible person. Do you know anything about mental illness, specifically depression? Do you not believe in science?

I have close friends and family who truly suffered from depression, and I have close friends and family who were simply lazy people.

Newsflash: even depressed people can run a load of laundry. Lazy people just bitch about the mess and whine about everything.

Two choices: wallow, or try harder. I suggest you try harder.

Newsflash: you don't have any close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your act together. You were likely born a lazy person. You need to stop hiding behind ppd and "cabin in the woods." You are taking advantage of him. He's kind enough to step up and do the adulting, and then you throw that in his face by saying that makes you resentful.

Here's what you should do:

1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.

2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.

3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.

4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.

So how are you going to get your act together and stop being a bitch? You were likely just born that way but you've really got to do better! And I wish for you what you've given to OP, that someone kicks you when you are down.

I'm actually in the throes of depression myself, yet I don't have the luxury of throwing in the towel, sitting on my ass, and bitching about it. I didn't need a wake-up call, but op sounds like she does.

Google enabling. It's not helpful.

Seriously, op...you need to try. Just try. There's no reason why you need quiet alone time to dress in the morning while your husband handles the kids. Why can't you try to wake up 30 mins early and help...or at the very least be present? I didn't suggest you shoulder the burden yourself.

Why can't you run a load of laundry? It literally takes less than one minute to toss it in and hit start. There's no legit reason why you can't help with the laundry. Ditto for folding it and putting it away (or at the very least folding it).

If I were in your shoes, I would worry that my husband was holding it together until the kids leave...and that he will leave once they are out of the house. Not many people are equipped to tolerate a freeloader.

You are depressed. So am I. But I'm not a helpless freeloader. Are you? That's your choice. Give into depression or fight.

Sounds like posting and reaching out for advice is the next step in her attempt to fight and claw her way back to normal. Good thing posters like you are here to make that as difficult as possible for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your act together. You were likely born a lazy person. You need to stop hiding behind ppd and "cabin in the woods." You are taking advantage of him. He's kind enough to step up and do the adulting, and then you throw that in his face by saying that makes you resentful.

Here's what you should do:

1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.

2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.

3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.

4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.

You're a terrible person. Do you know anything about mental illness, specifically depression? Do you not believe in science?

I have close friends and family who truly suffered from depression, and I have close friends and family who were simply lazy people.

Newsflash: even depressed people can run a load of laundry. Lazy people just bitch about the mess and whine about everything.

Two choices: wallow, or try harder. I suggest you try harder.

Newsflash: you don't have any close friends.

Ooooooohhhh...nice try, pp.

Let me guess: you're a wallower, correct? Nobody likes a whiny wallower.

Stop trying to convince the op that throwing in the towel is okay. It's not. Everyone should be giving the op a pep talk. She CAN get better, but she must try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your act together. You were likely born a lazy person. You need to stop hiding behind ppd and "cabin in the woods." You are taking advantage of him. He's kind enough to step up and do the adulting, and then you throw that in his face by saying that makes you resentful.

Here's what you should do:

1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.

2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.

3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.

4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.

So how are you going to get your act together and stop being a bitch? You were likely just born that way but you've really got to do better! And I wish for you what you've given to OP, that someone kicks you when you are down.

I'm actually in the throes of depression myself, yet I don't have the luxury of throwing in the towel, sitting on my ass, and bitching about it. I didn't need a wake-up call, but op sounds like she does.

Google enabling. It's not helpful.

Seriously, op...you need to try. Just try. There's no reason why you need quiet alone time to dress in the morning while your husband handles the kids. Why can't you try to wake up 30 mins early and help...or at the very least be present? I didn't suggest you shoulder the burden yourself.

Why can't you run a load of laundry? It literally takes less than one minute to toss it in and hit start. There's no legit reason why you can't help with the laundry. Ditto for folding it and putting it away (or at the very least folding it).

If I were in your shoes, I would worry that my husband was holding it together until the kids leave...and that he will leave once they are out of the house. Not many people are equipped to tolerate a freeloader.

You are depressed. So am I. But I'm not a helpless freeloader. Are you? That's your choice. Give into depression or fight.

Sounds like posting and reaching out for advice is the next step in her attempt to fight and claw her way back to normal. Good thing posters like you are here to make that as difficult as possible for her.

No clue how suggesting that she try to do something...anything...is making this difficult for her.

Telling her that it's okay to maintain the status quo certainly isn't helpful.