Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get your act together. You were likely born a lazy person. You need to stop hiding behind ppd and "cabin in the woods." You are taking advantage of him. He's kind enough to step up and do the adulting, and then you throw that in his face by saying that makes you resentful.

Here's what you should do:

1. Wake up 30 mins early to get ready and head downstairs to help your husband and kids get ready in the morning. At the very least, be present.

2. Take responsibility for dinner a few times a week.

3. Or...baby steps: take full responsibility for the laundry. Laundry is literally the easiest job in the house. Heck, my kids know how to do it.

4. Stop being lazy. And stop criticizing the mess.

You're a terrible person. Do you know anything about mental illness, specifically depression? Do you not believe in science?

I have close friends and family who truly suffered from depression, and I have close friends and family who were simply lazy people.

Newsflash: even depressed people can run a load of laundry. Lazy people just bitch about the mess and whine about everything.

Two choices: wallow, or try harder. I suggest you try harder.

Newsflash: you don't have any close friends.

Ooooooohhhh...nice try, pp.

Let me guess: you're a wallower, correct? Nobody likes a whiny wallower.

Stop trying to convince the op that throwing in the towel is okay. It's not. Everyone should be giving the op a pep talk. She CAN get better, but she must try.

What thread are you reading? No one has encouraged her to throw in the towel, most have been encouraging her to try without being nasty about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

In these scenarios the wife is usually a SAHM. Not that it means husband is excused from any domestic contributions, but in OPs case husband works AND does everything domestic and kid-related.

No it not a SAHM thing. Plenty of threads with WOHMs saying the DH doesn't do enough. Plenty of threads by moms feeling guilty they have let down their families. No threads by men concerned about the same thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, please make changes with your counselors and or medication to get yourself on firmer ground. My mother was depressed my entire childhood and disengaged. She refused to get treatment and has always been in denial. As a child, I longed for her attention, and as an adult, I cannot forgive her for not being present. Your kids are still very young, you can still make a different childhood for them.

I am a procrastinator. At my worst moments, I will set a timer and force myself to do x task for some relatively small amount of time. Helps a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are obviously mentally ill beyond the PPD. My BIL is like your husband and my SIL is like you. She spends 100% of her waking time thinking about and discussing religious topics. She can't even drive the kids because BIL is afraid. She's left the kids at aftercare numerous times.

I think in addition to marriage counseling, you need to see your psychiatrist and get on stronger/more appropriate meds.

BTW, you ARE killing your husband with overwork.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I took the kind advice to heart and requested an emergency appointment with a psychiatrist, which I went to yesterday. My OB prescribed the SSRI when I was first diagnosed with PPD, which did have some helpful effect. I could get out of bed. I didn't want to run away. I felt like I could face the world and my life was worth something. It led me back to working and pulled me out of a deep dark place. What it didn't do, I learned, was deal with anxiety, which I have by the boatloads. According to my doctor, this is common with PPD. Apparently, there's post-partum anxiety, which left untreated can turn into a chronic anxiety issue (which I apparently have). I started an additional medication and am crossing my fingers that I will feel its effects soon. I also got a new therapist, with an appointment next week. In hindsight, my old therapist seemed to focus on getting to the "root" of things. I spent a lot of time basically complaining and crying and they sort of sat this silently and didn't offer any advice or insight. I am hoping CBT will be helpful in giving me more tools to get through this.

Finally, as to why I wrote this post. I don't know. I felt lost. Overwhelmed. Wanted a lifeline and am too ashamed to tell my friends. For those of you who gave me a string to hang on, I cannot thank you enough. You have saved my life.

I wish everyone a happy healthy new year. Here's to finally killing that final demon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I took the kind advice to heart and requested an emergency appointment with a psychiatrist, which I went to yesterday. My OB prescribed the SSRI when I was first diagnosed with PPD, which did have some helpful effect. I could get out of bed. I didn't want to run away. I felt like I could face the world and my life was worth something. It led me back to working and pulled me out of a deep dark place. What it didn't do, I learned, was deal with anxiety, which I have by the boatloads. According to my doctor, this is common with PPD. Apparently, there's post-partum anxiety, which left untreated can turn into a chronic anxiety issue (which I apparently have). I started an additional medication and am crossing my fingers that I will feel its effects soon. I also got a new therapist, with an appointment next week. In hindsight, my old therapist seemed to focus on getting to the "root" of things. I spent a lot of time basically complaining and crying and they sort of sat this silently and didn't offer any advice or insight. I am hoping CBT will be helpful in giving me more tools to get through this.

Finally, as to why I wrote this post. I don't know. I felt lost. Overwhelmed. Wanted a lifeline and am too ashamed to tell my friends. For those of you who gave me a string to hang on, I cannot thank you enough. You have saved my life.

I wish everyone a happy healthy new year. Here's to finally killing that final demon.

Thank you for getting help. I am hopeful for you. I wish a great 2017 for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I took the kind advice to heart and requested an emergency appointment with a psychiatrist, which I went to yesterday. My OB prescribed the SSRI when I was first diagnosed with PPD, which did have some helpful effect. I could get out of bed. I didn't want to run away. I felt like I could face the world and my life was worth something. It led me back to working and pulled me out of a deep dark place. What it didn't do, I learned, was deal with anxiety, which I have by the boatloads. According to my doctor, this is common with PPD. Apparently, there's post-partum anxiety, which left untreated can turn into a chronic anxiety issue (which I apparently have). I started an additional medication and am crossing my fingers that I will feel its effects soon. I also got a new therapist, with an appointment next week. In hindsight, my old therapist seemed to focus on getting to the "root" of things. I spent a lot of time basically complaining and crying and they sort of sat this silently and didn't offer any advice or insight. I am hoping CBT will be helpful in giving me more tools to get through this.

Finally, as to why I wrote this post. I don't know. I felt lost. Overwhelmed. Wanted a lifeline and am too ashamed to tell my friends. For those of you who gave me a string to hang on, I cannot thank you enough. You have saved my life.

I wish everyone a happy healthy new year. Here's to finally killing that final demon.

That's great, OP, though I hope you will at least talk with your old therapist about what you feel didn't work. That's not to say there aren't lousy therapists out there, but you not speaking up is part of the issue. Therapists aren't mind-readers, and they can't help you if you don't let them know that you still feel stuck. You don't need to stick with this person, of course, but having a session in which you're honest about how you feel towards the therapist would likely be useful. CBT is great for providing some tools, but it's also not a panacea for deeper issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I took the kind advice to heart and requested an emergency appointment with a psychiatrist, which I went to yesterday. My OB prescribed the SSRI when I was first diagnosed with PPD, which did have some helpful effect. I could get out of bed. I didn't want to run away. I felt like I could face the world and my life was worth something. It led me back to working and pulled me out of a deep dark place. What it didn't do, I learned, was deal with anxiety, which I have by the boatloads. According to my doctor, this is common with PPD. Apparently, there's post-partum anxiety, which left untreated can turn into a chronic anxiety issue (which I apparently have). I started an additional medication and am crossing my fingers that I will feel its effects soon. I also got a new therapist, with an appointment next week. In hindsight, my old therapist seemed to focus on getting to the "root" of things. I spent a lot of time basically complaining and crying and they sort of sat this silently and didn't offer any advice or insight. I am hoping CBT will be helpful in giving me more tools to get through this.

Finally, as to why I wrote this post. I don't know. I felt lost. Overwhelmed. Wanted a lifeline and am too ashamed to tell my friends. For those of you who gave me a string to hang on, I cannot thank you enough. You have saved my life.

I wish everyone a happy healthy new year. Here's to finally killing that final demon.

Great job OP!! You've done more in a shorter period of time than I would've imagined- I know it's not easy, so proud of you!

[Anonymous]

Ask your husband to keep a close eye on you, op. Most meds can produce unintended consequences. Just because an SSRI worked for one person doesn't mean it will work for you. Most of my friends and family actually felt better after they weaned themselves off the meds.

The real truth is that being a new mom is hard...for most people. Feeling overwhelmed is normal. You just need to find a way to get through it. That might mean extra help. That might mean meds. There's no silver bullet. But I think it's unhelpful to label everything as ppd or anxiety...especially when feeling overwhelmed at times comes with the territory. It'll get better...especially if you take charge. Don't be a victim...don't just resign yourself to a patient with ppd. Proactively take charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your husband to keep a close eye on you, op. Most meds can produce unintended consequences. Just because an SSRI worked for one person doesn't mean it will work for you. Most of my friends and family actually felt better after they weaned themselves off the meds.

The real truth is that being a new mom is hard...for most people. Feeling overwhelmed is normal. You just need to find a way to get through it. That might mean extra help. That might mean meds. There's no silver bullet. But I think it's unhelpful to label everything as ppd or anxiety...especially when feeling overwhelmed at times comes with the territory. It'll get better...especially if you take charge. Don't be a victim...don't just resign yourself to a patient with ppd. Proactively take charge.

Least helpful advice ever, and potentially dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, pp, but I'm glad my friend's husband kept a close eye on her and realized her meds were making the situation worse. That doesn't mean that all meds are bad. It just means that you should be aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your husband to keep a close eye on you, op. Most meds can produce unintended consequences. Just because an SSRI worked for one person doesn't mean it will work for you. Most of my friends and family actually felt better after they weaned themselves off the meds.

The real truth is that being a new mom is hard...for most people. Feeling overwhelmed is normal. You just need to find a way to get through it. That might mean extra help. That might mean meds. There's no silver bullet. But I think it's unhelpful to label everything as ppd or anxiety...especially when feeling overwhelmed at times comes with the territory. It'll get better...especially if you take charge. Don't be a victim...don't just resign yourself to a patient with ppd. Proactively take charge.

I agree that this is unhelpful. Most meds? Most of your friends and family? Such an overgeneralization backed up by zero facts and only your anecdotal experience. It doesn't seem like you read OP'S post, where she explains that she is unable to function due to mental illness, and that she's not a new mom. She has two kids, and the youngest was not just born.

OP is proactively taking charge. People like you are the reason others wait to get the help they need. They don't want to be seen as a victim, as weak, as though they can't handle life. Educate yourself before spouting off dangerous nonsense like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

But in that case the DH is at least supporting his family financially. OP has basically said her job is BS and her husband supports them financially AND OP doesn't do shit around the house. Jesus, as a parent at least do one thing, either default parent in the house or breadwinner. OP does neither and seems to think this is sustainable .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

But in that case the DH is at least supporting his family financially. OP has basically said her job is BS and her husband supports them financially AND OP doesn't do shit around the house. Jesus, as a parent at least do one thing, either default parent in the house or breadwinner. OP does neither and seems to think this is sustainable .

NEWSFLASH: About 12 hours ago, OP updated us with the steps she took today and progress she is making. Keep up before spouting off so you can avoid sounding like an insensitive asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

But in that case the DH is at least supporting his family financially. OP has basically said her job is BS and her husband supports them financially AND OP doesn't do shit around the house. Jesus, as a parent at least do one thing, either default parent in the house or breadwinner. OP does neither and seems to think this is sustainable .

I didn't read every page, but from the initial post, the OP works FT, which means she contributes financially. People are calling her DH a saint etc etc, when meanwhile, there are tons of men who WOH and are totally fine with that being their contribution to the household. Even if their wife is also WOHM. I see you are unable to find ONE example in all of the thousands of threads here on DCUM where a HUSBAND feels guilty that his WOH wife is the default parent. One single example.