Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?

[Anonymous]

I have spent the past few days reflecting on my life (wife here) and realized that I don't contribute much to the actually running of my household. It's a difficult thing to admit, but it's true and there. I know how I got here (PPD after my second basically made me withdraw from parenting and honestly adulting (bills, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc). I resisted treatment until my husband literally had an intervention with my parents. It saved my life (I had some dark thoughts). At the time, I fought it because I assumed being consistently overwhelmed to the point of just wanting to quietly leave your family for a cabin in the woods with no outside stimulation was absolutely normal. It's not, apparently.

But two years of therapy, medication, and life later, I am still sort of outside looking in. My husband handles everything. And I mean everything. Here is what I do on a normal working day. I go to work where I am a competent, helpful employee. The process of getting out of the house (without a single interruption) takes me an hour at least). Here's what my husband does. Gets the children dressed, feeds them breakfast, gets dressed, handles the dog, gets lunches packed, backpacks packs, and loads the kids up. He does this within the same amount of time it takes me to get myself put together. Alone. Does drop off. Works (where he makes 5 times what I make -- no, I don't need to work, but until I went back, I was facing a Slyvia Plath outcome). Picks the children up. Dinner? Well, it's already made -- most likely because he crockpots and cooks on the weekend. He's constantly moving, constantly cleaning, constantly engaging the kids. Laundry? Well, he throws a load in during breakfast, throws it in the dryer when he gets home, and then folds after the kids go to bed. Hell, the man even does MY laundry and dry cleaning runs. It's exhausting to watch and daunting and quite frankly while I appreciate it, I don't know how I can even do 1/10th of what he does. So, this turns into me backing away, hanging back, not doing much, but complaining about the state of affairs (It's a MESS HERE, I say, while absolutely doing nothing about it because I find cleaning and organizing to be overwhemling).

My marriage isn't in the greatest of places because of this. I find myself resentful of my husband's ability to handle life quite frankly. I am fairly certain that he has some resentment of his own, but it's tapered by obvious concern about my mental health. We're in counseling and when the issue came up (mostly because despite my non-involvement, the children prefer me to him by a massive amount, making me feel even more overwhelmed and suffocated by their constant chants of mommomomomomomo), he admitted that the children preferred me because I don't do the bulk of the parenting, I'm never the bad guy, and they just have fun with me -- mostly by design because he doesn't think I can handle doing more because if I could obviously I would. I sort of cried and admitted that I have dropped the ball and agreed to do more, but am at a lost how to get in step with the machine (my family) as it's currently running. He's given me ideas, including leaving me with the kids this week while they are home on break. And I hate to admit this, but I am having the cabin the woods feeling.

Anyway, tl/dr, how can I do better as a parent?

[Anonymous]

Start small - do drop-off on two days, get them ready on two others, cook dinner on two evenings, plan a fun outing on one weekend day, take kid for a walk on another evening.

[Anonymous]

We are a good team. Wasn't always this way but I can honestly say there is no default parent. DH is awesome and gets shit done. Earns 60% of our HHI, does most of the cooking including when we host thanksgiving etc., is just as likely to me to cover days when we need unexpected childcare (our youngest will start K in the fall), dr appointments, etc., is very involved with their sports and activities, and does the big spring cleaning binges we do every few months.

I do a lot but if I'm being honest he does more.

[Anonymous]

You need individual therapy too. Step up to the plate before it's too late. Kids grow up quickly.

As for parenting, take over a chore and agree that's always yours. I'm a DH who is default parent, but DW does all the laundry.

[Anonymous]

Really, you need to ask others for advice on this? Ask your husband what would be helpful to have you do. Or just start doing chores! Get up earlier and get the kids dressed, make their breakfast. Pack their lunchboxes and backpacks the night before.

I would *highly* resent the spouse who put me in the position you put your husband in. You need to get your shit together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start small - do drop-off on two days, get them ready on two others, cook dinner on two evenings, plan a fun outing on one weekend day, take kid for a walk on another evening.

+1 Take one kid out by yourself for mommy time so it's not overwhelming. Baby steps OP. If staying alone with your kids all week is going to cause you to have a relapse, don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Start small. Pick two things your husband does - one for the kids and one for the household.

So how about when you get home from work, you move the laundry in the washing machine to the dryer? Then throw in a load of your own laundry. After dinner, when DH is cleaning up from dinner, you fold the stuff that's finished in the dryer or make lunch for the kids for the next day.

Or, ask DH what you can do to jump into the machine that is the household. Maybe the ONE task he hates is one you won't find overwhelming or hate doing.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs to take one chore to start. You fold laundry in the evening. Another important job is to play with the kids while dh is cooking and doing kitchen stuff. Give them your undivided attention so they can bond with you, and so dh can get things done without interruption.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, your DH is a saint, I hope you know this. I would most definitely not be able to deal with a spouse like you long term. You really need to stop wallowing in your misery and step up. Once you do it will make you feel better about yourself and maybe make you even more productive. Start with simple things, like get a grocery list from your DH and do shopping on the way from work. Offer to fold laundry. Pack your kids lunches. I mean jeez, OP, your poor husband!

[Anonymous]

OP, you still sound affected by your depression. Are you still in therapy? Therapy can help you reach your goals proactively; it's not just about averting a crisis.

I would see this more about trying to meet some of your husbands needs, not trying to turn yourself into some imagined super parent. Can you hire more help to give him a break? Maybe someone to wash and fold all the laundry, at the least? A babysitter to do pickup from school? Can you give him some free time on the weekend or one or two evenings a week so he can go to the gym and recharge?

One week alone with the kids on break seems like too big a step.

[Anonymous]

Op, PPS have some great suggestions. And while it may be working now, eventually it will grow to be too much for your DH. The resentment will grow and grow until there is no coming back.

You need individual therapy and possibly medication. You need to commit to doing things for your family. Baby steps but you need to start making an effort. And when you get to the point where.you feel like you can handle it, give your husband a few days away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start small - do drop-off on two days, get them ready on two others, cook dinner on two evenings, plan a fun outing on one weekend day, take kid for a walk on another evening.

+1 Take one kid out by yourself for mommy time so it's not overwhelming. Baby steps OP. If staying alone with your kids all week is going to cause you to have a relapse, don't do it.

Thanks, PP (OP here). I appreciate the advice on finding a small task and I am throwing in the towel on having the kids alone this week. I called my husband who's coming home to relieve me once they are awake from their naps. I feel like a failure, but I think you're right -- it was too much to just take on. Maybe I should focus on one small thing. Small successes.

And to the others, yes, I am in therapy and on medication. I think there is a bit of depression going on, partially from my own guilt from putting my family in this spot. I am going to be my doctors to see if there's an additional medication that might help with my feeling so overwhelmed the minute I walk in the door (it's strange, but I can feel myself relaxing while I'm driving to work and I'm calm and happy there.). I think there's a bit of shame here too. Most people, looking at my life, would think I have it all together. I don't, though.

[Anonymous]

You sound like me 3 years ago OP. You need a psychiatrist and a skilled CBT therapist, not counseling. It is miserable living a life as though you are an observer. I have been there. read the book "against depression" and know you are not in a permanent state. It can improve. It can improve immensely, I promise. Times have changed since Sylvia Plath, get the help you deserve. Your family deserves it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start small - do drop-off on two days, get them ready on two others, cook dinner on two evenings, plan a fun outing on one weekend day, take kid for a walk on another evening.

+1 Take one kid out by yourself for mommy time so it's not overwhelming. Baby steps OP. If staying alone with your kids all week is going to cause you to have a relapse, don't do it.

Thanks, PP (OP here). I appreciate the advice on finding a small task and I am throwing in the towel on having the kids alone this week. I called my husband who's coming home to relieve me once they are awake from their naps. I feel like a failure, but I think you're right -- it was too much to just take on. Maybe I should focus on one small thing. Small successes.

And to the others, yes, I am in therapy and on medication. I think there is a bit of depression going on, partially from my own guilt from putting my family in this spot. I am going to be my doctors to see if there's an additional medication that might help with my feeling so overwhelmed the minute I walk in the door (it's strange, but I can feel myself relaxing while I'm driving to work and I'm calm and happy there.). I think there's a bit of shame here too. Most people, looking at my life, would think I have it all together. I don't, though.

Good luck OP. FWIW I think you feel calm at work because you know what you're doing and it's routine for you. The thing to remember is that the more time you spend with your kids, the more you'll get better at doing stuff with them, and it won't seem as overwhelming to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, PPS have some great suggestions. And while it may be working now, eventually it will grow to be too much for your DH. The resentment will grow and grow until there is no coming back.

You need individual therapy and possibly medication. You need to commit to doing things for your family. Baby steps but you need to start making an effort. And when you get to the point where.you feel like you can handle it, give your husband a few days away.

+1
Here is one big thing Op- you don't have to do things just as good as your husband would do them. Don't compare yourself to him that way. If his dinner is more nutritious or well thought out that's okay- don't let that be the reason you don't make dinner two days a week. I know you are afraid of him judging your parenting or just living as not as good as his, but honestly I'm sue he'd just appreciate a partner right now, even if it's an imperfect one!
You need to retrain and reframe some of your thoughts, and find a therapist that can help you do those very tangible things. You really can feel much better and more capable than you do now. I'm rooting for you Op!