Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?

[Anonymous]

The sexism is sooooooo interesting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

But in that case the DH is at least supporting his family financially. OP has basically said her job is BS and her husband supports them financially AND OP doesn't do shit around the house. Jesus, as a parent at least do one thing, either default parent in the house or breadwinner. OP does neither and seems to think this is sustainable .

I didn't read every page, but from the initial post, the OP works FT, which means she contributes financially. People are calling her DH a saint etc etc, when meanwhile, there are tons of men who WOH and are totally fine with that being their contribution to the household. Even if their wife is also WOHM. I see you are unable to find ONE example in all of the thousands of threads here on DCUM where a HUSBAND feels guilty that his WOH wife is the default parent. One single example.

Crazy poster, take your gender issues elsewhere, no one else cares.

[Anonymous]

Godspeed, OP.

I went through severe PPD and anxiety and would have killed myself if I could have figured out how to make it look like a complete accident so my daughter wouldn't be burdened by the thought that her mom killed herself. I thought I was the worst, most incompetent mom ever and the world and my family (especially my daughter) would be better off with me dead. I recovered from the initial despair within a year and went to a therapist who was a bad fit and I avoided many responsibilities with my daughter because I sincerely thought I was incapable and would do more harm than good. My husband filled in and took over, and for that I will be forever grateful. I eventually switched doctors and made amazing progress with anti-anxiety meds and therapy that works for me. I am now a very competent and confident mom, one who isn't scared to be alone with my kids but who instead relishes the time and ability to parent. If I could do this, I have a lot of hope for you. It can get better. You can be the mom you wish you were.

If you've never gone through this extreme depression and anxiety, it's hard to explain. It's not checking out because it's too hard. It's checking out because you truly believe you are worthless and incapable. It is not rational. It is horrific for everyone, including spouses and kids. For those with parents who were not there for you, I am truly, truly sorry. Some people just can't make it through. I think OP can and will due to her self-awareness. Instead of piling on or tough love, it is imperative for OP to get the support she needs so she can be there for her children and husband. I promise you that you can't say anything worse to OP than she's already told herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

But in that case the DH is at least supporting his family financially. OP has basically said her job is BS and her husband supports them financially AND OP doesn't do shit around the house. Jesus, as a parent at least do one thing, either default parent in the house or breadwinner. OP does neither and seems to think this is sustainable .

I didn't read every page, but from the initial post, the OP works FT, which means she contributes financially. People are calling her DH a saint etc etc, when meanwhile, there are tons of men who WOH and are totally fine with that being their contribution to the household. Even if their wife is also WOHM. I see you are unable to find ONE example in all of the thousands of threads here on DCUM where a HUSBAND feels guilty that his WOH wife is the default parent. One single example.

I made a legitimate point, you haven't been able to refute it, and so now it's all "crazy" and "gender issues" huh? What's next, are you going to call me a "bitch" or a "feminazi"?

Crazy poster, take your gender issues elsewhere, no one else cares.

[Anonymous]

I made a legitimate point, you haven't been able to refute it, and so now it's all "crazy" and "gender issues" huh? What's next, are you going to call me a "bitch" or a "feminazi"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

But in that case the DH is at least supporting his family financially. OP has basically said her job is BS and her husband supports them financially AND OP doesn't do shit around the house. Jesus, as a parent at least do one thing, either default parent in the house or breadwinner. OP does neither and seems to think this is sustainable .

I didn't read every page, but from the initial post, the OP works FT, which means she contributes financially. People are calling her DH a saint etc etc, when meanwhile, there are tons of men who WOH and are totally fine with that being their contribution to the household. Even if their wife is also WOHM. I see you are unable to find ONE example in all of the thousands of threads here on DCUM where a HUSBAND feels guilty that his WOH wife is the default parent. One single example.

I made a legitimate point, you haven't been able to refute it, and so now it's all "crazy" and "gender issues" huh? What's next, are you going to call me a "bitch" or a "feminazi"?

Crazy poster, take your gender issues elsewhere, no one else cares.

That's all fine and good, but the point of this thread is that OP isn't well and she wants to feel better and do more. She isn't trying to justify taking a backseat and sticking her DH with all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big difference between not doing enough and not doing anything. OP isn't doing anything...and she knows it. She's using depression as an excuse. I don't think you get a free pass with depression...or anything, really. People with cancer and fibromyalgia don't sit on their ass while their spouse does everything. That would be giving up.

Ok then please find me one single thread with a DH feeling guilty that all he does is go to work and nothing else for the family.

But in that case the DH is at least supporting his family financially. OP has basically said her job is BS and her husband supports them financially AND OP doesn't do shit around the house. Jesus, as a parent at least do one thing, either default parent in the house or breadwinner. OP does neither and seems to think this is sustainable .

I didn't read every page, but from the initial post, the OP works FT, which means she contributes financially. People are calling her DH a saint etc etc, when meanwhile, there are tons of men who WOH and are totally fine with that being their contribution to the household. Even if their wife is also WOHM. I see you are unable to find ONE example in all of the thousands of threads here on DCUM where a HUSBAND feels guilty that his WOH wife is the default parent. One single example.

I made a legitimate point, you haven't been able to refute it, and so now it's all "crazy" and "gender issues" huh? What's next, are you going to call me a "bitch" or a "feminazi"?

Crazy poster, take your gender issues elsewhere, no one else cares.

That's all fine and good, but the point of this thread is that OP isn't well and she wants to feel better and do more. She isn't trying to justify taking a backseat and sticking her DH with all the work.

And my point to the OP is that men don't beat themselves up like this, she's not a shitty mom, and she doesn't need to "do more" in order to meet some unreachable standard. Plenty of men do just as little as the OP and no one is telling them they need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Godspeed, OP.

I went through severe PPD and anxiety and would have killed myself if I could have figured out how to make it look like a complete accident so my daughter wouldn't be burdened by the thought that her mom killed herself. I thought I was the worst, most incompetent mom ever and the world and my family (especially my daughter) would be better off with me dead. I recovered from the initial despair within a year and went to a therapist who was a bad fit and I avoided many responsibilities with my daughter because I sincerely thought I was incapable and would do more harm than good. My husband filled in and took over, and for that I will be forever grateful. I eventually switched doctors and made amazing progress with anti-anxiety meds and therapy that works for me. I am now a very competent and confident mom, one who isn't scared to be alone with my kids but who instead relishes the time and ability to parent. If I could do this, I have a lot of hope for you. It can get better. You can be the mom you wish you were.

If you've never gone through this extreme depression and anxiety, it's hard to explain. It's not checking out because it's too hard. It's checking out because you truly believe you are worthless and incapable. It is not rational. It is horrific for everyone, including spouses and kids. For those with parents who were not there for you, I am truly, truly sorry. Some people just can't make it through. I think OP can and will due to her self-awareness. Instead of piling on or tough love, it is imperative for OP to get the support she needs so she can be there for her children and husband. I promise you that you can't say anything worse to OP than she's already told herself.

Thank you for sharing, new Poster here, I went through all the thread going back and forth between compassion and tough love. I am myself a procrastinator filled with anxiety who look efficient but is deep down overwelhemed by very simple tasks, to a point I seriously don't understand. I don't understand why I am so "external" / contemplative/ inactive in my own life (although I am a rather successful professional and was a brilliant student). But at the same time despite that anxiety, there is a bottom threshold I don't allow myself to fall under, for the sake of my family. So when reading OP's post I couldn't help but wonder. Is she just like me and needs a kick in the butt? Or is it something completely different?

Reading your post reinforces how different that is. I have a personality issue, I am an anxious perfectionist procrastinator with a layer of laziness. You and OP suffer from real depression that cannot be cured by tough love..

Good luck OP, I wish you all the best in your journey, you already went further than most by analyzing your problem so well