Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, PPS have some great suggestions. And while it may be working now, eventually it will grow to be too much for your DH. The resentment will grow and grow until there is no coming back.

You need individual therapy and possibly medication. You need to commit to doing things for your family. Baby steps but you need to start making an effort. And when you get to the point where.you feel like you can handle it, give your husband a few days away.

+1
Here is one big thing Op- you don't have to do things just as good as your husband would do them. Don't compare yourself to him that way. If his dinner is more nutritious or well thought out that's okay- don't let that be the reason you don't make dinner two days a week. I know you are afraid of him judging your parenting or just living as not as good as his, but honestly I'm sue he'd just appreciate a partner right now, even if it's an imperfect one!
You need to retrain and reframe some of your thoughts, and find a therapist that can help you do those very tangible things. You really can feel much better and more capable than you do now. I'm rooting for you Op!

+2

I'm the default parent and I just keep it moving forward. We have two breakfast options (cheerios or frozen waffles). Dinner is frequently a crapshoot, and vegetables a rarity. Often I will open a can of beans, mix with rando leftovers, add cheese, roll on a tortilla and call it a burrito. Baths are five minute affairs. As long as the hands and face are clean, that's good enough for me. Sometimes there is crying. Sometimes I raise my voice and lose my temper. Sometimes, things are awesome and I know you can get to that point. I agree with the assessment that you remain depressed and have work to do there. I've been there. But as you start to emerge from the fog, be easy on yourself. Pick one thing at a time, and just get it done. Then move to the next. Here's the good advice I got from DCUM years ago: if you're doing it, you're doing it right. Good luck, OP.

OP here. Thank you for this. I have spent the past hour crying about what a complete failure I am, but this comment really hit home. As for why I didn't call a sitter, I just sort of lost it when my husband called to say hello and he agreed to come home. While we have a regular sitter, they aren't available right now.

I think for me, even having my husband in the house while I have the kids would make me feel less overwhelmed. He can telecommute at will, so it's not a big deal for him to do this. As for the comments about my depression, obviously, I am trying. I am on medication, in therapy and trying to make different choices. It's all so overwhelming though and while I do not appreciate the judgment, I appreciate the advice and kindness. My therapist doesn't do CBT, so I may make a change there and I am going to try to set back and find something small to take on all by myself.

Awwwww, OP. I want to hug you. You're not a failure, and this whole thing is temporary. Here's your project for this afternoon, ready? Cut and past all the advice you got here into a Word doc. Then pick ONE or TWO of the pieces of advice and start applying them to your life. Whichever one or two seem doable to you. It's okay to take baby steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have spent the past few days reflecting on my life (wife here) and realized that I don't contribute much to the actually running of my household. It's a difficult thing to admit, but it's true and there. I know how I got here (PPD after my second basically made me withdraw from parenting and honestly adulting (bills, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc). I resisted treatment until my husband literally had an intervention with my parents. It saved my life (I had some dark thoughts). At the time, I fought it because I assumed being consistently overwhelmed to the point of just wanting to quietly leave your family for a cabin in the woods with no outside stimulation was absolutely normal. It's not, apparently.

But two years of therapy, medication, and life later, I am still sort of outside looking in. My husband handles everything. And I mean everything. Here is what I do on a normal working day. I go to work where I am a competent, helpful employee. The process of getting out of the house (without a single interruption) takes me an hour at least). Here's what my husband does. Gets the children dressed, feeds them breakfast, gets dressed, handles the dog, gets lunches packed, backpacks packs, and loads the kids up. He does this within the same amount of time it takes me to get myself put together. Alone. Does drop off. Works (where he makes 5 times what I make -- no, I don't need to work, but until I went back, I was facing a Slyvia Plath outcome). Picks the children up. Dinner? Well, it's already made -- most likely because he crockpots and cooks on the weekend. He's constantly moving, constantly cleaning, constantly engaging the kids. Laundry? Well, he throws a load in during breakfast, throws it in the dryer when he gets home, and then folds after the kids go to bed. Hell, the man even does MY laundry and dry cleaning runs. It's exhausting to watch and daunting and quite frankly while I appreciate it, I don't know how I can even do 1/10th of what he does. So, this turns into me backing away, hanging back, not doing much, but complaining about the state of affairs (It's a MESS HERE, I say, while absolutely doing nothing about it because I find cleaning and organizing to be overwhemling).

OP - I feel for you. It is really hard to deal with the emotional things you have dealt with. In the meantime, life is passing you by. Now you want to jump back on the train and be a bigger part of your family. It will be awkward and overwhelming at first. But, as a lot of other people have said, start out small. Talk with your husband. Apologize to him and thank him for everything that he does. Then ask him what are some of the things that you can do. Maybe just take on one or two. Your laundry for starters, maybe picking up the kids after work. But, start small and eventually build. After awhile, it will become second nature. The hardest part is taking the first step. Think of it like running a mile. You don't run a mile the first time out. You start by taking a step. Maybe you do a quarter mile. Then you build up to half a mile. Finally, you run a mile. But the most important part is just taking that first step.

You sound like you were doing really well before the PPD. You might even be surprised how naturally it comes back to you once you start. Good luck!

My marriage isn't in the greatest of places because of this. I find myself resentful of my husband's ability to handle life quite frankly. I am fairly certain that he has some resentment of his own, but it's tapered by obvious concern about my mental health. We're in counseling and when the issue came up (mostly because despite my non-involvement, the children prefer me to him by a massive amount, making me feel even more overwhelmed and suffocated by their constant chants of mommomomomomomo), he admitted that the children preferred me because I don't do the bulk of the parenting, I'm never the bad guy, and they just have fun with me -- mostly by design because he doesn't think I can handle doing more because if I could obviously I would. I sort of cried and admitted that I have dropped the ball and agreed to do more, but am at a lost how to get in step with the machine (my family) as it's currently running. He's given me ideas, including leaving me with the kids this week while they are home on break. And I hate to admit this, but I am having the cabin the woods feeling.

Anyway, tl/dr, how can I do better as a parent?

[Anonymous]

Kids are the hardest of all the jobs your husband is doing. There's a lot of unpredictability and battles. What if you take on some of the simpler household tasks instead? I'm sure your husband would greatly appreciate your taking any one of the many tasks off his list. Offer to be in charge of laundry or cooking. And then just do it. I agree with others that your husband is going to grow resentful eventually if he isn't already.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, I would just remove the word parenting from your vocabulary. I'm not trying to denigrate all the excellent parents out there, indeed I hope I will be one of them. But it doesn't have to be all high standards and perfect interactions and verbs. Fundamentally, the tasks at hand are pretty mundane. Get the kids fed, clothed, bathed (optional!), read a book or two, deal with (ignore) tantrums, give them some snuggles, get up and start again the next day. Have them play together from time to time. Tell them to go away and give you a few minutes to yourself. Take care of yourself too.

Also, don't forget to focus on the joy your kids bring you. They are wonderful little people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, PPS have some great suggestions. And while it may be working now, eventually it will grow to be too much for your DH. The resentment will grow and grow until there is no coming back.

You need individual therapy and possibly medication. You need to commit to doing things for your family. Baby steps but you need to start making an effort. And when you get to the point where.you feel like you can handle it, give your husband a few days away.

+1
Here is one big thing Op- you don't have to do things just as good as your husband would do them. Don't compare yourself to him that way. If his dinner is more nutritious or well thought out that's okay- don't let that be the reason you don't make dinner two days a week. I know you are afraid of him judging your parenting or just living as not as good as his, but honestly I'm sue he'd just appreciate a partner right now, even if it's an imperfect one!
You need to retrain and reframe some of your thoughts, and find a therapist that can help you do those very tangible things. You really can feel much better and more capable than you do now. I'm rooting for you Op!

+2

I'm the default parent and I just keep it moving forward. We have two breakfast options (cheerios or frozen waffles). Dinner is frequently a crapshoot, and vegetables a rarity. Often I will open a can of beans, mix with rando leftovers, add cheese, roll on a tortilla and call it a burrito. Baths are five minute affairs. As long as the hands and face are clean, that's good enough for me. Sometimes there is crying. Sometimes I raise my voice and lose my temper. Sometimes, things are awesome and I know you can get to that point. I agree with the assessment that you remain depressed and have work to do there. I've been there. But as you start to emerge from the fog, be easy on yourself. Pick one thing at a time, and just get it done. Then move to the next. Here's the good advice I got from DCUM years ago: if you're doing it, you're doing it right. Good luck, OP.

OP here. Thank you for this. I have spent the past hour crying about what a complete failure I am, but this comment really hit home. As for why I didn't call a sitter, I just sort of lost it when my husband called to say hello and he agreed to come home. While we have a regular sitter, they aren't available right now.

I think for me, even having my husband in the house while I have the kids would make me feel less overwhelmed. He can telecommute at will, so it's not a big deal for him to do this. As for the comments about my depression, obviously, I am trying. I am on medication, in therapy and trying to make different choices. It's all so overwhelming though and while I do not appreciate the judgment, I appreciate the advice and kindness. My therapist doesn't do CBT, so I may make a change there and I am going to try to set back and find something small to take on all by myself.

OP Definitely try CBT!! It is like coaching almost -- a good CBT therapist is exactly what you need to start changing your behavior.

It sounds like maybe some more joint counseling would be good as well. Your DH sounds like a wonderful guy -- but he's also in some respects enabling you to stay where it's comfortable for you both, instead of removing the training wheels, as it were, and letting you start enter into the family in a different way. You guys will both have to face the discomfort of change as you start to retake your role in the family.

I wonder especially why your DH has not been more forthright about hiring outside help to take the burden off of both of you? It sounds like you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, PPS have some great suggestions. And while it may be working now, eventually it will grow to be too much for your DH. The resentment will grow and grow until there is no coming back.

You need individual therapy and possibly medication. You need to commit to doing things for your family. Baby steps but you need to start making an effort. And when you get to the point where.you feel like you can handle it, give your husband a few days away.

+1
Here is one big thing Op- you don't have to do things just as good as your husband would do them. Don't compare yourself to him that way. If his dinner is more nutritious or well thought out that's okay- don't let that be the reason you don't make dinner two days a week. I know you are afraid of him judging your parenting or just living as not as good as his, but honestly I'm sue he'd just appreciate a partner right now, even if it's an imperfect one!
You need to retrain and reframe some of your thoughts, and find a therapist that can help you do those very tangible things. You really can feel much better and more capable than you do now. I'm rooting for you Op!

+2

I'm the default parent and I just keep it moving forward. We have two breakfast options (cheerios or frozen waffles). Dinner is frequently a crapshoot, and vegetables a rarity. Often I will open a can of beans, mix with rando leftovers, add cheese, roll on a tortilla and call it a burrito. Baths are five minute affairs. As long as the hands and face are clean, that's good enough for me. Sometimes there is crying. Sometimes I raise my voice and lose my temper. Sometimes, things are awesome and I know you can get to that point. I agree with the assessment that you remain depressed and have work to do there. I've been there. But as you start to emerge from the fog, be easy on yourself. Pick one thing at a time, and just get it done. Then move to the next. Here's the good advice I got from DCUM years ago: if you're doing it, you're doing it right. Good luck, OP.

OP here. Thank you for this. I have spent the past hour crying about what a complete failure I am, but this comment really hit home. As for why I didn't call a sitter, I just sort of lost it when my husband called to say hello and he agreed to come home. While we have a regular sitter, they aren't available right now.

I think for me, even having my husband in the house while I have the kids would make me feel less overwhelmed. He can telecommute at will, so it's not a big deal for him to do this. As for the comments about my depression, obviously, I am trying. I am on medication, in therapy and trying to make different choices. It's all so overwhelming though and while I do not appreciate the judgment, I appreciate the advice and kindness. My therapist doesn't do CBT, so I may make a change there and I am going to try to set back and find something small to take on all by myself.

OP Definitely try CBT!! It is like coaching almost -- a good CBT therapist is exactly what you need to start changing your behavior.

It sounds like maybe some more joint counseling would be good as well. Your DH sounds like a wonderful guy -- but he's also in some respects enabling you to stay where it's comfortable for you both, instead of removing the training wheels, as it were, and letting you start enter into the family in a different way. You guys will both have to face the discomfort of change as you start to retake your role in the family.

I wonder especially why your DH has not been more forthright about hiring outside help to take the burden off of both of you? It sounds like you can afford it.

Op here. We actually have a lot of help. During the first year of my second, I had a full time nanny 40 hours a week and my oldest I full time daycare. When my youngest turned 1, he went to full time daycare with dd. We have a weekly cleaning lady and the nanny still sits for us occasionally. I will look into making an appointment with a cbt therapist in the new year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like me 3 years ago OP. You need a psychiatrist and a skilled CBT therapist, not counseling. It is miserable living a life as though you are an observer. I have been there. read the book "against depression" and know you are not in a permanent state. It can improve. It can improve immensely, I promise. Times have changed since Sylvia Plath, get the help you deserve. Your family deserves it too.

+1

All the PPs saying "your poor husband" seem to forget you almost died from this illness. And it seems not to be quite over yet. Keep pushing OP.

I had mild PPD, which requires my DH to step up in many ways, and I felt guilty as hell about it, but you know what? It is an illness, a serious one, and he and your DH did what good spouses do when one's spouse has a serious illness.

You will get there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Another rec for CBT. You should look for someone who is an expert in CBT for depression--not simply a therapist who dabbles in a little CBT and a little of this and a little of that (very common, unfortunately).

[Anonymous]

Mine. I fell ill and was basically bed-ridden for a few years. I am getting better but my DH took care of everything at home and his work. While I could outsource some of the chores and I am a SAHM, my DH still had to take care of the kids as well as take care of me.

Surprisingly, our marriage actually became stronger and better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, PPS have some great suggestions. And while it may be working now, eventually it will grow to be too much for your DH. The resentment will grow and grow until there is no coming back.

You need individual therapy and possibly medication. You need to commit to doing things for your family. Baby steps but you need to start making an effort. And when you get to the point where.you feel like you can handle it, give your husband a few days away.

+1
Here is one big thing Op- you don't have to do things just as good as your husband would do them. Don't compare yourself to him that way. If his dinner is more nutritious or well thought out that's okay- don't let that be the reason you don't make dinner two days a week. I know you are afraid of him judging your parenting or just living as not as good as his, but honestly I'm sue he'd just appreciate a partner right now, even if it's an imperfect one!
You need to retrain and reframe some of your thoughts, and find a therapist that can help you do those very tangible things. You really can feel much better and more capable than you do now. I'm rooting for you Op!

+2

I'm the default parent and I just keep it moving forward. We have two breakfast options (cheerios or frozen waffles). Dinner is frequently a crapshoot, and vegetables a rarity. Often I will open a can of beans, mix with rando leftovers, add cheese, roll on a tortilla and call it a burrito. Baths are five minute affairs. As long as the hands and face are clean, that's good enough for me. Sometimes there is crying. Sometimes I raise my voice and lose my temper. Sometimes, things are awesome and I know you can get to that point. I agree with the assessment that you remain depressed and have work to do there. I've been there. But as you start to emerge from the fog, be easy on yourself. Pick one thing at a time, and just get it done. Then move to the next. Here's the good advice I got from DCUM years ago: if you're doing it, you're doing it right. Good luck, OP.

OP here. Thank you for this. I have spent the past hour crying about what a complete failure I am, but this comment really hit home. As for why I didn't call a sitter, I just sort of lost it when my husband called to say hello and he agreed to come home. While we have a regular sitter, they aren't available right now.

I think for me, even having my husband in the house while I have the kids would make me feel less overwhelmed. He can telecommute at will, so it's not a big deal for him to do this. As for the comments about my depression, obviously, I am trying. I am on medication, in therapy and trying to make different choices. It's all so overwhelming though and while I do not appreciate the judgment, I appreciate the advice and kindness. My therapist doesn't do CBT, so I may make a change there and I am going to try to set back and find something small to take on all by myself.

OP Definitely try CBT!! It is like coaching almost -- a good CBT therapist is exactly what you need to start changing your behavior.

It sounds like maybe some more joint counseling would be good as well. Your DH sounds like a wonderful guy -- but he's also in some respects enabling you to stay where it's comfortable for you both, instead of removing the training wheels, as it were, and letting you start enter into the family in a different way. You guys will both have to face the discomfort of change as you start to retake your role in the family.

I wonder especially why your DH has not been more forthright about hiring outside help to take the burden off of both of you? It sounds like you can afford it.

Op here. We actually have a lot of help. During the first year of my second, I had a full time nanny 40 hours a week and my oldest I full time daycare. When my youngest turned 1, he went to full time daycare with dd. We have a weekly cleaning lady and the nanny still sits for us occasionally. I will look into making an appointment with a cbt therapist in the new year.

Can you have the cleaning lady come 2 a week?

[Anonymous]

Op here, thank you for the supportive responses. I've felt a lot of shame for being in this spot and have had a hard time being open to friends about this. This has mostly been a private matter, which in some ways I second guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thank you for the supportive responses. I've felt a lot of shame for being in this spot and have had a hard time being open to friends about this. This has mostly been a private matter, which in some ways I second guess.

Hugs OP. I totally get it, and no one wants to be judged harshly or looked down on. I understand why you'd keep this to yourself but I bet you have a close friend or two who would be a great support to you- you might even find out that they struggle with similar things!
I'm proud of you for taking a step to post here, that's a big win for the day in my book. You can do this, baby steps, and next year at this time you can look back and feel so proud of all of the progress you've mad. You've got this OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start small - do drop-off on two days, get them ready on two others, cook dinner on two evenings, plan a fun outing on one weekend day, take kid for a walk on another evening.

+1 Take one kid out by yourself for mommy time so it's not overwhelming. Baby steps OP. If staying alone with your kids all week is going to cause you to have a relapse, don't do it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thank you for the supportive responses. I've felt a lot of shame for being in this spot and have had a hard time being open to friends about this. This has mostly been a private matter, which in some ways I second guess.

I'm sorry you feel ashamed. You shouldn't though. You're clearly still struggling with depression. I hope you follow through with CBT. It makes such a difference compared to talk therapy. It's hard, but what you're doing now isn't easy either.

Until you can get the appointment set up, I'll also piggyback onto what others have suggested with taking on a small chore a few times a week. I'd recommend talking with DH and offering a few options and listening to what he says is most helpful for him. Maybe loading the dishwasher or folding laundry. The trick is not to choose something so big you'll feel overwhelmed, or so critical that it causes a catastrophe if you mess up. I'd also recommend a reward chart and some small reward for yourself for your successes. It helps to see something concrete showing that you've done good for yourself and your family. Start small-small tasks, small rewards. Maybe one task during the first week, like wash dishes three times in a week and at the end of the week treat yourself to a new magazine or an episode of a show you don't normally find time to watch. Then the second week, maybe you continue with dishes 3 times and add in breakfast on the weekends (don't want to be late for work). Something simple like the other poster mentioned-frozen waffles or cereal is perfect. If that goes well, add in a 4th day of dishes the third week. If you can't maintain it, switch tasks. By then you hopefully will have an appointment with a CBT therapist and you'll be able to show something that worked and you can build on, or something that didn't work out so well and they'll have better ideas more suited to your needs.

I've been there. It sucks so bad but you can pull yourself out of this. It takes time, support, and a lot of hard work. Good for you for getting help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thank you for the supportive responses. I've felt a lot of shame for being in this spot and have had a hard time being open to friends about this. This has mostly been a private matter, which in some ways I second guess.

It's a vicious cycle. Because nobody talks about it, nobody talks about it. There could be a playgroup with 20 parents and seven of them had PPD, five of those were on meds for it, 2 were briefly hospitalized, etc. But they all smile and chat about anything else, feeling alone and ashamed. If you bring it up, people will have either had PPD or will know someone who had it.