Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?

[Anonymous]

If you are a competent and helpful employee at work, why can't you be a competent and helpful spouse at home? If you sat on the sidelines at work the way you do at home you would be fired. So you don't sit on the sidelines at work because you don't want to be fired. So get off the sidelines at home before you get fired. You have proven to be a capable worker, why not prove you can be a capable spouse and mother? Pretend you are at work and be competent and helpful.

[Anonymous]

You are making your husband who makes FIVE times what you make come home to relieve you? Dude suck it up. The problem is that you're not used to being around kids because you never force yourself to power through. You take the easy way out every time. If you force yourself to stick with it, you will develop strategies to help yourself cope. You learn how to parent effectively "on the job" so to speak. But you're not doing that.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband say about all of this? I'm really curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start small - do drop-off on two days, get them ready on two others, cook dinner on two evenings, plan a fun outing on one weekend day, take kid for a walk on another evening.

+1 Take one kid out by yourself for mommy time so it's not overwhelming. Baby steps OP. If staying alone with your kids all week is going to cause you to have a relapse, don't do it.

Thanks, PP (OP here). I appreciate the advice on finding a small task and I am throwing in the towel on having the kids alone this week. I called my husband who's coming home to relieve me once they are awake from their naps. I feel like a failure, but I think you're right -- it was too much to just take on. Maybe I should focus on one small thing. Small successes.

And to the others, yes, I am in therapy and on medication. I think there is a bit of depression going on, partially from my own guilt from putting my family in this spot. I am going to be my doctors to see if there's an additional medication that might help with my feeling so overwhelmed the minute I walk in the door (it's strange, but I can feel myself relaxing while I'm driving to work and I'm calm and happy there.). I think there's a bit of shame here too. Most people, looking at my life, would think I have it all together. I don't, though.

Why did you call your husband instead of getting a babysitter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You are making your husband who makes FIVE times what you make come home to relieve you? Dude suck it up. The problem is that you're not used to being around kids because you never force yourself to power through. You take the easy way out every time. If you force yourself to stick with it, you will develop strategies to help yourself cope. You learn how to parent effectively "on the job" so to speak. But you're not doing that.

+ 1

the bolded is very true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say about all of this? I'm really curious.

OP here. He thinks I'm depressed and need help, basically. He doesn't think this is the real "me" and points out the 6 years we were together before having children, I was different. Hell, I was even different after my oldest. He's mostly of the camp that things need to get done, he doesn't seem resentful about doing them, but he does have some burnout from being the primary caregiver to everyone. He gets annoyed about the kids' favoritism toward me. His view is that we are in the trenches and that the storm will end. So long as I keep trying to get well, he's standing by me (he did make it clear during the intervention that he couldn't live with an unwell, resistant depressed person forever and that things would have to change -- that got like a cold splash of water and I started the journey to get well).

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel I'm in the same boat you are, what with feeling overwhelmed and sometimes unable to cope with everyday life. The last year and a half has been rough--DH was unemployed for nearly a year, then several weeks after he got a job, I gave birth to a baby who required long-term hospitalizations and many surgeries, on top of having a toddler and a full time job.

I get that things can be tough, and it's incredibly hard to pull yourself out of the abyss. Now that things are finally starting to settle down, I'm looking into therapy, but haven't started yet (how can I start therapy with a full time job and my baby in and out of the hospital?)

My advice to you would be to list out what all the chores are and divide them up between you two. For example, one of us showers before the kids get up and the other while they're eating breakfast. We each get one kid dressed. I pack lunches and do drop off. DH picks up kids and makes dinner. I do dishes and all laundry. He does trash and all house repairs and I do all the shopping. We alternate vacuuming/dusting, but are hiring a cleaning service to take care of that, since we don't have time to do it right.

Your schedule doesn't have to look like that. Ours is based on what is easiest for each of us (DH needs to be at work early, so can't do drop off, for example. I used to do all the cooking and he did the dishes, but he got sick of doing dishes so we swapped). You need to pick a few items that you can help with, and start doing them. Packing lunches the night before is super easy. Start doing drop offs or pick ups a few times a week. Etc.

And go see a new therapist. It sounds like you could use a fresh perspective, and it also sounds like you're still struggling with PPD. Also, I find it strange that your DH is just letting you wallow while he does all the work. My husband would be on my case every day to go see a therapist and a doctor if I was so depressed and overwhelmed that I couldn't handle literally any chore at all.

Good luck, I hope you can find your way out of the hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start small - do drop-off on two days, get them ready on two others, cook dinner on two evenings, plan a fun outing on one weekend day, take kid for a walk on another evening.

+1 Take one kid out by yourself for mommy time so it's not overwhelming. Baby steps OP. If staying alone with your kids all week is going to cause you to have a relapse, don't do it.

Thanks, PP (OP here). I appreciate the advice on finding a small task and I am throwing in the towel on having the kids alone this week. I called my husband who's coming home to relieve me once they are awake from their naps. I feel like a failure, but I think you're right -- it was too much to just take on. Maybe I should focus on one small thing. Small successes.

And to the others, yes, I am in therapy and on medication. I think there is a bit of depression going on, partially from my own guilt from putting my family in this spot. I am going to be my doctors to see if there's an additional medication that might help with my feeling so overwhelmed the minute I walk in the door (it's strange, but I can feel myself relaxing while I'm driving to work and I'm calm and happy there.). I think there's a bit of shame here too. Most people, looking at my life, would think I have it all together. I don't, though.

Why did you call your husband instead of getting a babysitter?[/quote]

Agree with the babysitter. And OP, having two kids (I don't know their ages, but they sound young if they're taking naps) home with you all day for a week would be a lot for ANYONE. So for this one, it's not just you. May I suggest you do what alcoholics do and only worry about one day at a time. I bet you were overwhelmed with the thought of dealing with this all week. Can you take today to try to line up a babysitter for the afternoons this week? Even a mother's helper - a middle school kid who can come play with the kids each afternoon would help you. Then you could do a load of laundry each day to help your husband.

Stop thinking about the enormity of It All. Break things down into smaller tasks, and tackle one or two of those. Once they become routine, you'll be able to take on more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start small - do drop-off on two days, get them ready on two others, cook dinner on two evenings, plan a fun outing on one weekend day, take kid for a walk on another evening.

+1 Take one kid out by yourself for mommy time so it's not overwhelming. Baby steps OP. If staying alone with your kids all week is going to cause you to have a relapse, don't do it.

Thanks, PP (OP here). I appreciate the advice on finding a small task and I am throwing in the towel on having the kids alone this week. I called my husband who's coming home to relieve me once they are awake from their naps. I feel like a failure, but I think you're right -- it was too much to just take on. Maybe I should focus on one small thing. Small successes.

And to the others, yes, I am in therapy and on medication. I think there is a bit of depression going on, partially from my own guilt from putting my family in this spot. I am going to be my doctors to see if there's an additional medication that might help with my feeling so overwhelmed the minute I walk in the door (it's strange, but I can feel myself relaxing while I'm driving to work and I'm calm and happy there.). I think there's a bit of shame here too. Most people, looking at my life, would think I have it all together. I don't, though.

OP, take them to a place where they can just run around. If they are younger, go to pump it up or Monkey Joe's. You can sit and let them get the energy out. Its hard if you are not used to being with them all day.

Start small. Take one or both kids out to eat - fast food, nothing exciting for some 1-1 time and to get husband a break. Do the evening read before bed. Help with dinner clean up. Offer to pick up the kids 1-2 days a week. You are doing the best you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say about all of this? I'm really curious.

OP here. He thinks I'm depressed and need help, basically. He doesn't think this is the real "me" and points out the 6 years we were together before having children, I was different. Hell, I was even different after my oldest. He's mostly of the camp that things need to get done, he doesn't seem resentful about doing them, but he does have some burnout from being the primary caregiver to everyone. He gets annoyed about the kids' favoritism toward me. His view is that we are in the trenches and that the storm will end. So long as I keep trying to get well, he's standing by me (he did make it clear during the intervention that he couldn't live with an unwell, resistant depressed person forever and that things would have to change -- that got like a cold splash of water and I started the journey to get well).

OP, its normal. I am a SAHM and my kids will favor me when we are alone but when dad gets home its all about dad. That's a normal dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say about all of this? I'm really curious.

OP here. He thinks I'm depressed and need help, basically. He doesn't think this is the real "me" and points out the 6 years we were together before having children, I was different. Hell, I was even different after my oldest. He's mostly of the camp that things need to get done, he doesn't seem resentful about doing them, but he does have some burnout from being the primary caregiver to everyone. He gets annoyed about the kids' favoritism toward me. His view is that we are in the trenches and that the storm will end. So long as I keep trying to get well, he's standing by me (he did make it clear during the intervention that he couldn't live with an unwell, resistant depressed person forever and that things would have to change -- that got like a cold splash of water and I started the journey to get well).

But it doesn't really seem like.you are trying. You lasted half a day before making him come home from work. You need to power through the stress and being uncomfortable. Put on a movie when you need a break. Kids will be fine. I suffer from depression too so I get it. But if another 6 months goes by and this is the progress youve made? Your husband is going to start looking for an out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start small - do drop-off on two days, get them ready on two others, cook dinner on two evenings, plan a fun outing on one weekend day, take kid for a walk on another evening.

+1 Take one kid out by yourself for mommy time so it's not overwhelming. Baby steps OP. If staying alone with your kids all week is going to cause you to have a relapse, don't do it.

Thanks, PP (OP here). I appreciate the advice on finding a small task and I am throwing in the towel on having the kids alone this week. I called my husband who's coming home to relieve me once they are awake from their naps. I feel like a failure, but I think you're right -- it was too much to just take on. Maybe I should focus on one small thing. Small successes.

And to the others, yes, I am in therapy and on medication. I think there is a bit of depression going on, partially from my own guilt from putting my family in this spot. I am going to be my doctors to see if there's an additional medication that might help with my feeling so overwhelmed the minute I walk in the door (it's strange, but I can feel myself relaxing while I'm driving to work and I'm calm and happy there.). I think there's a bit of shame here too. Most people, looking at my life, would think I have it all together. I don't, though.

OP, take them to a place where they can just run around. If they are younger, go to pump it up or Monkey Joe's. You can sit and let them get the energy out. Its hard if you are not used to being with them all day.

Start small. Take one or both kids out to eat - fast food, nothing exciting for some 1-1 time and to get husband a break. Do the evening read before bed. Help with dinner clean up. Offer to pick up the kids 1-2 days a week. You are doing the best you can.

Except right now, she's really not. If she was worried this week would be too much, SHE should have made a back up plan that did not involve her husband taking off work. Is he now going to have to take the week off? I sure hope he has an understanding boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, PPS have some great suggestions. And while it may be working now, eventually it will grow to be too much for your DH. The resentment will grow and grow until there is no coming back.

You need individual therapy and possibly medication. You need to commit to doing things for your family. Baby steps but you need to start making an effort. And when you get to the point where.you feel like you can handle it, give your husband a few days away.

+1
Here is one big thing Op- you don't have to do things just as good as your husband would do them. Don't compare yourself to him that way. If his dinner is more nutritious or well thought out that's okay- don't let that be the reason you don't make dinner two days a week. I know you are afraid of him judging your parenting or just living as not as good as his, but honestly I'm sue he'd just appreciate a partner right now, even if it's an imperfect one!
You need to retrain and reframe some of your thoughts, and find a therapist that can help you do those very tangible things. You really can feel much better and more capable than you do now. I'm rooting for you Op!

+2

I'm the default parent and I just keep it moving forward. We have two breakfast options (cheerios or frozen waffles). Dinner is frequently a crapshoot, and vegetables a rarity. Often I will open a can of beans, mix with rando leftovers, add cheese, roll on a tortilla and call it a burrito. Baths are five minute affairs. As long as the hands and face are clean, that's good enough for me. Sometimes there is crying. Sometimes I raise my voice and lose my temper. Sometimes, things are awesome and I know you can get to that point. I agree with the assessment that you remain depressed and have work to do there. I've been there. But as you start to emerge from the fog, be easy on yourself. Pick one thing at a time, and just get it done. Then move to the next. Here's the good advice I got from DCUM years ago: if you're doing it, you're doing it right. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, PPS have some great suggestions. And while it may be working now, eventually it will grow to be too much for your DH. The resentment will grow and grow until there is no coming back.

You need individual therapy and possibly medication. You need to commit to doing things for your family. Baby steps but you need to start making an effort. And when you get to the point where.you feel like you can handle it, give your husband a few days away.

+1
Here is one big thing Op- you don't have to do things just as good as your husband would do them. Don't compare yourself to him that way. If his dinner is more nutritious or well thought out that's okay- don't let that be the reason you don't make dinner two days a week. I know you are afraid of him judging your parenting or just living as not as good as his, but honestly I'm sue he'd just appreciate a partner right now, even if it's an imperfect one!
You need to retrain and reframe some of your thoughts, and find a therapist that can help you do those very tangible things. You really can feel much better and more capable than you do now. I'm rooting for you Op!

+2

I'm the default parent and I just keep it moving forward. We have two breakfast options (cheerios or frozen waffles). Dinner is frequently a crapshoot, and vegetables a rarity. Often I will open a can of beans, mix with rando leftovers, add cheese, roll on a tortilla and call it a burrito. Baths are five minute affairs. As long as the hands and face are clean, that's good enough for me. Sometimes there is crying. Sometimes I raise my voice and lose my temper. Sometimes, things are awesome and I know you can get to that point. I agree with the assessment that you remain depressed and have work to do there. I've been there. But as you start to emerge from the fog, be easy on yourself. Pick one thing at a time, and just get it done. Then move to the next. Here's the good advice I got from DCUM years ago: if you're doing it, you're doing it right. Good luck, OP.

OP here. Thank you for this. I have spent the past hour crying about what a complete failure I am, but this comment really hit home. As for why I didn't call a sitter, I just sort of lost it when my husband called to say hello and he agreed to come home. While we have a regular sitter, they aren't available right now.

I think for me, even having my husband in the house while I have the kids would make me feel less overwhelmed. He can telecommute at will, so it's not a big deal for him to do this. As for the comments about my depression, obviously, I am trying. I am on medication, in therapy and trying to make different choices. It's all so overwhelming though and while I do not appreciate the judgment, I appreciate the advice and kindness. My therapist doesn't do CBT, so I may make a change there and I am going to try to set back and find something small to take on all by myself.

[Anonymous]

I get feeling overwhelmed OP, but honest question - if your husbands not home and you have to man the fort solo, what's the worst that will happen? Do you honestly feel so incompetent that a kid will wind up dead? Seriously - ask yourself that.

Because if it's short of that then it's good enough for a first effort. Your goal here shouldn't be to do it well, just to do the bare minimum. Alive and not permanently maimed. At this point everything else is gravy.

Parenting is a skill. As you get more practiced and better at it, raise the bar. But for now it's like swimming lessons - get in the pool and put your face underwater.

The single biggest step forward for you is to just not quit. Don't focus on all the things you feel you're not doing. Get one thing you CAN do and do that. Readjust your baseline frame of reference. Your current state is what it is. Don't compare yourself to what you think you should be because you'll just come up short which will make you feel worse. Take an honest assessment of where you *actually* are, (try hard to) give up any shame about what that is - it just is, and then movain't forward compare yourself to that.

Next time you have the kids solo success is simply not calling DH home early. Doesn't matter if you cry much of the day and the kids are plugged in. That's still a win.

'The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.'

Take that first step. Don't look to where you're headed, but behind you to see the distance you cover.

You got this.