what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my Mom's friend. She wasn't too close to her but was good friends with her friends.

This woman, her husband and teenaged daughter moved somewhere in SE Asia, maybe Thailand. After a few years, they move back to DC and they've 'adopted' a baby. Everyone thought it was weird to suddenly adopt when you have a teenager. The rumor mill was it was the daughter's baby (she would have been 12-13 when the baby was born).

But as it turns out, it was the DH's with his Thai mistress. The DW adopted it and raised it as her own. Last I heard she and DH were still together.

In all seriousness, no sarcasm, this wife is a winner. She clearly understands the fate of her husband's child if she does nothing. I give her high marks for clarity, compassion, and composure.

Eh, I've lived in this part of the world and I hope you are right. The wife is either saintly for raising this child when the child may have had no one, OR they could very well be people who essentially pressured this child to be given up by the mother "you can give her less, we can give her so much more" etc , when any decent man would be paying $ for the child either way. I hope that not the case but it's not unheard of for these situations to be a horrible choice for the mother to feel giving away her child is the only hope for a good life

The horrible choice the mother made was to sleep with a married guy. All other bad choices followed.

Please don't act like having to feel like you had to never see your child again in order to give them a better life is even close to being fucked around on.

Don't be silly. People have babies and keep them in Thailand every day. There's tons of rich and middle-class people in that country. It's not exactly a den of wretchedness. If you want to give your child a good life, an excellent start would be to have them within a marriage, so what's with pretending that the child's mother is a victim? She made a very bad choice. That's the truth. No one can force you to give up your child if you don't want to, and if you think having lots of stuff is a better life than growing up with your own mother, then maybe the mother deserve the sadness that comes with losing her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU have no idea what you're talking about, nor do you know the players. First, I said nothing speculative about anyone's primary motivations! But the anecdote shows someone in a terrible situation being kind, correct?

The Thai woman - if she's human, is it not reasonable to wonder how she felt giving up her daughter?

Since you want to posit without having the ovaries to just SAY it, that the Thai woman is a monster who didn't care about the daughter anyway (which one cannot know), please get some therapeutic help. And learn to focus your obvious anger on the man (men?) who hurt you.

You don't understand what I am trying to say. You think the wife is being kind. What I'm telling you is that her actions may have the effect of kindness toward the other child. But that's not what drives her. What drives her is the good of her marriage and family. The child, independently of her marriage and family, is simply not a factor to her. She isn't doing what she's doing "for the good of the child." She concluded, based on her own reasons, that her marriage and family has the highest chance of surviving if the child is integrated vs. left behind. That's why she acts the way she acts.

I don't think women who give up their children are monsters, women give up their kids for adoption or leave custody to fathers every day around the world. Not all women have the primordial desire to rear their own.

Not the PP...

I doubt you are correct. Men abandon children at an alarming rate and just send money. Women rarely abandon children even other people's children. I am sure that was an option. I think the wife was being kind, it's her children's 1/2 sibling.

Nope. Her actions may have been kind toward the child, but it's not kindness that drives her, it's the desire to preserve her family. She judges, based on what she knows, that placing the child inside the family is less risky than leaving it outside and living with the risk that her husband will see or support it in secret.

Abandonment is a cultural concept. If you lived in a society where custody routinely goes to men, no one would call it "abandonment", it would simply be the way things are.

I doubt a half-Thai baby provides a meaningful sibling experience to a 13-year old teenager. Especially when she understands, as in her age she would, how that "half-sibling" came about. This sort of thing is very traumatic to the children of marriage.

Nope. Her actions were driven by kindness for another human other than herself.

Sorry to say, some people just do the right thing. You obviously are devoid of that experience in your life.

she did not have to worry about the Thai woman or the Thai child. Men are too lazy to put their own closes in the hamper, he certainly is not spending tons of time visiting an AP or child overseas.

Men don't leave wives for AP or even for children from the OW. The kindness was from the wife. the 13 yo will see how much his/her mom would sacrifice for the life of another. Teen are the age they learn the parents make mistakes too. I have many friends/family where the dad has a child out of wedlock and the 10-22 yo from the 1st marriage is fine... mostly it's after divorce, but really ... men can't just get a vasectomy or use protection. It shows how immature they really are. Half-siblings in the US are more a norm than an exception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Nope. Her actions were driven by kindness for another human other than herself.

No.

Sorry to say, some people just do the right thing. You obviously are devoid of that experience in your life.

The right thing to do would have been for the husband to keep his dick in his pants. No one in their right mind say adopting the child into the family is the right thing to do. The wife has no obligations whatsoever toward that child, and insisting that she does is silly.

she did not have to worry about the Thai woman or the Thai child. Men are too lazy to put their own closes in the hamper, he certainly is not spending tons of time visiting an AP or child overseas.

She isn't worried about the woman or the child. She is worried about her own family. Men come in all kinds of ways.

Men don't leave wives for AP or even for children from the OW. The kindness was from the wife. the 13 yo will see how much his/her mom would sacrifice for the life of another. Teen are the age they learn the parents make mistakes too. I have many friends/family where the dad has a child out of wedlock and the 10-22 yo from the 1st marriage is fine... mostly it's after divorce, but really ... men can't just get a vasectomy or use protection. It shows how immature they really are. Half-siblings in the US are more a norm than an exception.

No, half-sibling love children adopted into the family in the US are not the norm. Half-siblings from prior or next marriages may be, but adopting children born outside the marriage is quite uncommon.

Yes, some men do leave wives and children for the AP. Consult the biography of Wendi Deng please.

You have no idea what the 13-year old would learn from this. It may be the idea of sacrifice. It may be that her mom is a doormat who doesn't have the strength to leave a man who has no integrity. It may be that men are not to be trusted and women shouldn't expect much from them. It may be that infidelity is the norm and women should just suck it up. It may be that her father is not worthy of respect. It may be that you can make a mistake but be excused from paying for its consequences. The concept of sacrifice is generally alien to teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Nope. Her actions were driven by kindness for another human other than herself.

No.

Sorry to say, some people just do the right thing. You obviously are devoid of that experience in your life.

The right thing to do would have been for the husband to keep his dick in his pants. No one in their right mind say adopting the child into the family is the right thing to do. The wife has no obligations whatsoever toward that child, and insisting that she does is silly.

she did not have to worry about the Thai woman or the Thai child. Men are too lazy to put their own closes in the hamper, he certainly is not spending tons of time visiting an AP or child overseas.

She isn't worried about the woman or the child. She is worried about her own family. Men come in all kinds of ways.

Men don't leave wives for AP or even for children from the OW. The kindness was from the wife. the 13 yo will see how much his/her mom would sacrifice for the life of another. Teen are the age they learn the parents make mistakes too. I have many friends/family where the dad has a child out of wedlock and the 10-22 yo from the 1st marriage is fine... mostly it's after divorce, but really ... men can't just get a vasectomy or use protection. It shows how immature they really are. Half-siblings in the US are more a norm than an exception.

No, half-sibling love children adopted into the family in the US are not the norm. Half-siblings from prior or next marriages may be, but adopting children born outside the marriage is quite uncommon.

Yes, some men do leave wives and children for the AP. Consult the biography of Wendi Deng please.

You have no idea what the 13-year old would learn from this. It may be the idea of sacrifice. It may be that her mom is a doormat who doesn't have the strength to leave a man who has no integrity. It may be that men are not to be trusted and women shouldn't expect much from them. It may be that infidelity is the norm and women should just suck it up. It may be that her father is not worthy of respect. It may be that you can make a mistake but be excused from paying for its consequences. The concept of sacrifice is generally alien to teenagers.

5% and 60% of those end up divorced. 3% pretty pathetic odds... please consult science.

Being kind is not being a doormat. I am sorry that you hate wives, most likely you are an OW who is little cra-cra with the holiday season, but obviously you have a slanted view of reality. I am sorry life has handed you a bad hand. You should take control of you life and get away from your AP.

The 13 yo will learn her father is imperfect and either he will make it up to her by being kind and present or he will prove to her that he is a selfish ass. Only time will tell, kids are very forgiving, if action change. If not, she won't be the 1st person to learn she has a selfish parent.

Teens don't recognize sacrifice as a teen but they do as a adult. She will love her mom for her kindness.

[Anonymous]

Caught my husband on tinder. He lied about it.

My husband was also having an affair with his coworker. Lied about that too.

We have since turned things around and he claims he no longer lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Caught my husband on tinder. He lied about it.

My husband was also having an affair with his coworker. Lied about that too.

We have since turned things around and he claims he no longer lies.

I admire you for staying with him, but please don't even trust him again. You can love him, but not trust him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

5% and 60% of those end up divorced. 3% pretty pathetic odds... please consult science.

Being kind is not being a doormat. I am sorry that you hate wives, most likely you are an OW who is little cra-cra with the holiday season, but obviously you have a slanted view of reality. I am sorry life has handed you a bad hand. You should take control of you life and get away from your AP.

The 13 yo will learn her father is imperfect and either he will make it up to her by being kind and present or he will prove to her that he is a selfish ass. Only time will tell, kids are very forgiving, if action change. If not, she won't be the 1st person to learn she has a selfish parent.

Teens don't recognize sacrifice as a teen but they do as a adult. She will love her mom for her kindness.

No one would call a wife unkind if she divorces her husband for infidelity and fathering a child outside of marriage. I am not saying she's a doormat, just that she might be. No one really knows. Just as no one knows what a 13-year old will learn, or what her opinion of her parents will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my Mom's friend. She wasn't too close to her but was good friends with her friends.

This woman, her husband and teenaged daughter moved somewhere in SE Asia, maybe Thailand. After a few years, they move back to DC and they've 'adopted' a baby. Everyone thought it was weird to suddenly adopt when you have a teenager. The rumor mill was it was the daughter's baby (she would have been 12-13 when the baby was born).

But as it turns out, it was the DH's with his Thai mistress. The DW adopted it and raised it as her own. Last I heard she and DH were still together.

In all seriousness, no sarcasm, this wife is a winner. She clearly understands the fate of her husband's child if she does nothing. I give her high marks for clarity, compassion, and composure.

Eh, I've lived in this part of the world and I hope you are right. The wife is either saintly for raising this child when the child may have had no one, OR they could very well be people who essentially pressured this child to be given up by the mother "you can give her less, we can give her so much more" etc , when any decent man would be paying $ for the child either way. I hope that not the case but it's not unheard of for these situations to be a horrible choice for the mother to feel giving away her child is the only hope for a good life

The horrible choice the mother made was to sleep with a married guy. All other bad choices followed.

You are nasty, nasty, nasty and so is the poster who wrote the same sentiment. I don't care WHAT happened to you, sad Mrs. Sanctimony, but only the most low, base mothers around would be so smug and cavalier about a mom possibly being pressured into giving up her child. In fact? With that kind of character, I'd say you're the rare bird who earned whatever pain caused that kind of perspective.

The wife who adopted the child in this instance has great strength of character.

You have no clue what you're talking about.

One thing of which one can be sure: the wife adopting the child isn't doing this for the good of the child. She's doing it for the good of the marriage. If keeping the child is best for the marriage, that's what she's doing. No woman is guided by the best interest of someone else's child to her own detriment if there are no compensating factors.

In a "other child" scenario, there are no good choices. For the wife, that is.

Choice 1, divorce and take everything that comes with a divorce. Bad choice.

Choice 2, stay and insist husband severs ties with the mistress and her child. Bad choice and impossible to enforce.

Choice 3, stay and integrate the child into the family. Bad choice, seeing daily proof of your husband's infidelity.

So yes, the wife who chose #3, displays great strength of character but her motivation is the good of her marriage and her bio child. Adoption may offer the path to this. But you are misguided if you think the interests of the other child guide her behavior in any way. Women are programmed to care about their own children and prioritize their interests above everyone else. Certainly above other children.

There is nothing wrong with Choice #2. That is called "insisting your husband honor his commitment to you and to forsake all others."

Shouldn't be impossible to enforce if the other woman and her kid are in Thailand, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOU have no idea what you're talking about, nor do you know the players. First, I said nothing speculative about anyone's primary motivations! But the anecdote shows someone in a terrible situation being kind, correct?

The Thai woman - if she's human, is it not reasonable to wonder how she felt giving up her daughter?

Since you want to posit without having the ovaries to just SAY it, that the Thai woman is a monster who didn't care about the daughter anyway (which one cannot know), please get some therapeutic help. And learn to focus your obvious anger on the man (men?) who hurt you.

You don't understand what I am trying to say. You think the wife is being kind. What I'm telling you is that her actions may have the effect of kindness toward the other child. But that's not what drives her. What drives her is the good of her marriage and family. The child, independently of her marriage and family, is simply not a factor to her. She isn't doing what she's doing "for the good of the child." She concluded, based on her own reasons, that her marriage and family has the highest chance of surviving if the child is integrated vs. left behind. That's why she acts the way she acts.

I don't think women who give up their children are monsters, women give up their kids for adoption or leave custody to fathers every day around the world. Not all women have the primordial desire to rear their own.

Not the PP...

I doubt you are correct. Men abandon children at an alarming rate and just send money. Women rarely abandon children even other people's children. I am sure that was an option. I think the wife was being kind, it's her children's 1/2 sibling.

"Men abandon children at an alarming rate and just send money." -- translation: women demand custody, courts give it to them, women demand money, courts extract it from men at the point of a gun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There is nothing wrong with Choice #2. That is called "insisting your husband honor his commitment to you and to forsake all others."

Shouldn't be impossible to enforce if the other woman and her kid are in Thailand, either.

There is nothing wrong with either of these choices. Just that none of them is perfect, good, or pain-free.

Incidentally, the marriage builders guy (Dr Harley, I believe) recommends that husbands whose infidelity produced a child must sever all ties (except required child support) with the other woman and her child if they want to commit to their marriage. He thinks that a betrayed wife cannot heal and a fractured marriage cannot survive if it continues to be stressed by the ongoing contact with the love child and necessarily its mother. It is not a perfect choice or even a good one, but what choices there are good? His philosophy is that if men want to preserve their marriage, they must put the marriage ahead of everything, including the child born outside of its bounds.

[diz]

My best friend when I was young had three older brothers--one of whom was named after the father. Over time, I learned that there was a household about an hour away with two step brothers--one of whom was also named after the father--and a step sister living about an hour away. The ages of the siblings were intermingled with my friend’s full brothers, meaning that both families were built at the same time. I met them because they came to a family picnic that I attended. Don’t know more details, but 40 years later, the dad is still with my friend’s mother.

[Anonymous]

There is 1 poster insisting she was never cheated on but still KNOWS her particular narrative about the wife who adopted her DH's child with his Thai girlfriend/ONS/whatever is correct and EVERYONE else is wrong, and has written maybe 10 posts about that, correcting everyone and anyone else.

Other people can have other opinions without you being a one-woman committee to shut it down. You don't have kindness at all in how you look at the women, the adopted kid. No one said that the wife was by definition a saint, so stop with your straw man nonsense. You don't know more than anyone, especially since, snerk snerk snerk, you've never been the recipient of this hurt. Totally plausible by the way!

Women who basically judge the wronged wife and the other woman as satanic are scumbags. You're not too smart to get hurt, and you're not a good person by constantly insinuating the OW's baby did not mean much to her. You're bad news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is 1 poster insisting she was never cheated on but still KNOWS her particular narrative about the wife who adopted her DH's child with his Thai girlfriend/ONS/whatever is correct and EVERYONE else is wrong, and has written maybe 10 posts about that, correcting everyone and anyone else.

Other people can have other opinions without you being a one-woman committee to shut it down. You don't have kindness at all in how you look at the women, the adopted kid. No one said that the wife was by definition a saint, so stop with your straw man nonsense. You don't know more than anyone, especially since, snerk snerk snerk, you've never been the recipient of this hurt. Totally plausible by the way!

Women who basically judge the wronged wife and the other woman as satanic are scumbags. You're not too smart to get hurt, and you're not a good person by constantly insinuating the OW's baby did not mean much to her. You're bad news.

I don't think you understand what it's like to post on an anonymous website. I am the person who theorized about the motives of the wife. I never said or insisted I was never cheated on. I think you confuse a discussion with someone trying to shut other people down - how would you even do that online?

Yes, someone did in fact say the wife was a saint.

Who is judging anyone as satanic? It's perfectly normal to care about the survival of your marriage more than the abstract wellbeing of your husband's mistress' baby. That doesn't make anyone satanic, that's human. It is also perfectly normal that that other people's children don't mean much to you - there is no expectation or entitlement to the wife's love and care toward a love child. How can it be otherwise? Why would a woman be expected to put interests of a random baby above her own, her children's or her family? These things come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my Mom's friend. She wasn't too close to her but was good friends with her friends.

This woman, her husband and teenaged daughter moved somewhere in SE Asia, maybe Thailand. After a few years, they move back to DC and they've 'adopted' a baby. Everyone thought it was weird to suddenly adopt when you have a teenager. The rumor mill was it was the daughter's baby (she would have been 12-13 when the baby was born).

But as it turns out, it was the DH's with his Thai mistress. The DW adopted it and raised it as her own. Last I heard she and DH were still together.

This is my post. I was not expecting this to blow up the way it did

So to answer some of your questions:

My Mom and her friends did speculate about the motives of the OW. "Rich" American = paycheck. But this was all gossip talk. So no one really knows if she got pregnant on purpose for the child support or if it was by accident.

I don't think the teen DS knew about the Dad's affair or that this was her half siblings. At least not at the time. I think what way got me (I was a few years older than her, but still a teen and could relate) was all the swirling gossip that it really was her baby. And this was a time when that could affect a woman 's reputation. (Ugh I hate that I even typed that). I felt so bad for her that people were talking behind her back like that.

As for the DW, I got the feeling that she was strong armed into taking in this child. She herself is from a foreign country (not Thailand), English is her second language and she was in her 40's. She had never worked in America and had little to no job prospects. DH wanted to keep the baby and so that is what she did. That being said, I think she treated the child well.

I do not know how the OW felt about giving up her child.

[Anonymous]

There isn't a true discussion; it was primarily, to take you at your word, the same not-you person posting repeatedly, writing 'PS" and it was evident she posted again. Don't step in to get off on being rude, and don't get defensive if it's not your words being challenged. And who wrote that anyone expected anyone to 'put interests of a random baby above her own"? No one.

I posted because I cannot believe 2 separate women, moms themselves probably, think so little of even hypothetical strangers to say the baby meant in essence nothing to the birth mom. For you that's fine, for me it's disgusting to say that.