FI suggested I pay for my birthday?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly the more I read the more worried I get about the rabbit hole I have dug myself into.

He has no debts. Works 7 months of the year and is home for 5 and does not work when he does. He has paid off his cars and credit cards, he has a lot of money in savings.

I have 30k of student loan debt and increasing medical bills with a recent serious illness diagnosis. I *did* pay for his birthday before I had a health crisis and had been saving up for a while. I have bills that unfortunately keep piling up, hospital bills, medical bills, and today my car windshield cracked. I am feeling the financial burn. I have a $1000/month co-pay for a supply of one of the drugs i'm taking. Plus, *we* are splitting the cost of the wedding.

I cried today after posting this. He has said he will "help" with my bills but has yet to do so and I've already starting making payments on my hospital bills, and he makes generic statements like "maybe someone will mysteriously pay that bill off" without actually saying if he is helping or not. I have money in savings but with the cost of the wedding and my medical bills my savings should pretty much be depleted.

Honestly, with everything that has been going on medically with me I was hoping that I would be spoiled for my birthday. Which I why I was so upset when he suggested that I pay for half. I was really hoping that we could go away for a day or two in lieu of everything that has happened to me in the last two months.

That is why I want to be spoiled and be taken care of once in a while. Dealing with a chronic illness and working full-time is exhausting.

PP here who said I had way more student loans than DH. I know you are upset right now but I think it will all work out for you. Once you get married, I think it will be natural for your FI to put down the down payment on your one day future home. You will pay down your medical bills and student loans.
when the wedding bills come, you probably simply won't have the money to pay as much as your FI since you have these medical bills and he will probably pay them.

DH and I got married, paid for a honeymoon to Bora Bora and closed on our house all within 2 weeks. We did not have enough money to cover closing costs and had to borrow from MIL. With the cash we received at our wedding, thankfully we were able to pay back MIL right away. Our bank accounts were in 3 digits and we barely had enough to tip our vendors at our wedding. From then on, we were one unit and have been ever since. We did keep separate bank accounts until our first child was born. DH paid for all house - mortgage, bills, car insurance, etc. I bought all the groceries and house stuff like furniture. We both wanted our student loans gone so we put anything extra towards our loans.

[Anonymous]

DTMF...like yesterday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DTMF...like yesterday!

What the hell is DTMF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly the more I read the more worried I get about the rabbit hole I have dug myself into.

He has no debts. Works 7 months of the year and is home for 5 and does not work when he does. He has paid off his cars and credit cards, he has a lot of money in savings.

I have 30k of student loan debt and increasing medical bills with a recent serious illness diagnosis. I *did* pay for his birthday before I had a health crisis and had been saving up for a while. I have bills that unfortunately keep piling up, hospital bills, medical bills, and today my car windshield cracked. I am feeling the financial burn. I have a $1000/month co-pay for a supply of one of the drugs i'm taking. Plus, *we* are splitting the cost of the wedding.

I cried today after posting this. He has said he will "help" with my bills but has yet to do so and I've already starting making payments on my hospital bills, and he makes generic statements like "maybe someone will mysteriously pay that bill off" without actually saying if he is helping or not. I have money in savings but with the cost of the wedding and my medical bills my savings should pretty much be depleted.

Honestly, with everything that has been going on medically with me I was hoping that I would be spoiled for my birthday. Which I why I was so upset when he suggested that I pay for half. I was really hoping that we could go away for a day or two in lieu of everything that has happened to me in the last two months.

That is why I want to be spoiled and be taken care of once in a while. Dealing with a chronic illness and working full-time is exhausting.

PP here who said I had way more student loans than DH. I know you are upset right now but I think it will all work out for you. Once you get married, I think it will be natural for your FI to put down the down payment on your one day future home. You will pay down your medical bills and student loans.
when the wedding bills come, you probably simply won't have the money to pay as much as your FI since you have these medical bills and he will probably pay them.

DH and I got married, paid for a honeymoon to Bora Bora and closed on our house all within 2 weeks. We did not have enough money to cover closing costs and had to borrow from MIL. With the cash we received at our wedding, thankfully we were able to pay back MIL right away. Our bank accounts were in 3 digits and we barely had enough to tip our vendors at our wedding. From then on, we were one unit and have been ever since. We did keep separate bank accounts until our first child was born. DH paid for all house - mortgage, bills, car insurance, etc. I bought all the groceries and house stuff like furniture. We both wanted our student loans gone so we put anything extra towards our loans.

Terrible, very bad, awful advice.

What will happen naturally is what has been happening naturally so far. This dude is taking advantage of OP. Your bora bora story is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly the more I read the more worried I get about the rabbit hole I have dug myself into.

He has no debts. Works 7 months of the year and is home for 5 and does not work when he does. He has paid off his cars and credit cards, he has a lot of money in savings.

I have 30k of student loan debt and increasing medical bills with a recent serious illness diagnosis. I *did* pay for his birthday before I had a health crisis and had been saving up for a while. I have bills that unfortunately keep piling up, hospital bills, medical bills, and today my car windshield cracked. I am feeling the financial burn. I have a $1000/month co-pay for a supply of one of the drugs i'm taking. Plus, *we* are splitting the cost of the wedding.

I cried today after posting this. He has said he will "help" with my bills but has yet to do so and I've already starting making payments on my hospital bills, and he makes generic statements like "maybe someone will mysteriously pay that bill off" without actually saying if he is helping or not. I have money in savings but with the cost of the wedding and my medical bills my savings should pretty much be depleted.

Honestly, with everything that has been going on medically with me I was hoping that I would be spoiled for my birthday. Which I why I was so upset when he suggested that I pay for half. I was really hoping that we could go away for a day or two in lieu of everything that has happened to me in the last two months.

That is why I want to be spoiled and be taken care of once in a while. Dealing with a chronic illness and working full-time is exhausting.

I'm sorry. What you need for your birthday is not a vacation but a set of meetings and classes with a financial advisor. You make $55K. You have $30K of student loan debt, significant medical debts, rising medical costs due to a diagnosis, and are engaged for a self-paid wedding. You should not be taking either of the vacations celebrating the birthdays. Not only are you incompatible with your mutual spending, but you are completely financially irresponsible and your fiance has a reason to be wary marrying you. The resort may only cost $250/night, but add in transportation and meals out, you are still talking probably minimum $700. And at your income and debt level, you should be taking at most one significant vacation per year. You need to pay down a lot of your debt before you spend a ton (and $1500 is about 5-15 times what you should be spending for a gift).

He balked because he has a more reasonable expectation ($300 instead of $700) for gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly the more I read the more worried I get about the rabbit hole I have dug myself into.

He has no debts. Works 7 months of the year and is home for 5 and does not work when he does. He has paid off his cars and credit cards, he has a lot of money in savings.

I have 30k of student loan debt and increasing medical bills with a recent serious illness diagnosis. I *did* pay for his birthday before I had a health crisis and had been saving up for a while. I have bills that unfortunately keep piling up, hospital bills, medical bills, and today my car windshield cracked. I am feeling the financial burn. I have a $1000/month co-pay for a supply of one of the drugs i'm taking. Plus, *we* are splitting the cost of the wedding.

I cried today after posting this. He has said he will "help" with my bills but has yet to do so and I've already starting making payments on my hospital bills, and he makes generic statements like "maybe someone will mysteriously pay that bill off" without actually saying if he is helping or not. I have money in savings but with the cost of the wedding and my medical bills my savings should pretty much be depleted.

Honestly, with everything that has been going on medically with me I was hoping that I would be spoiled for my birthday. Which I why I was so upset when he suggested that I pay for half. I was really hoping that we could go away for a day or two in lieu of everything that has happened to me in the last two months.

That is why I want to be spoiled and be taken care of once in a while. Dealing with a chronic illness and working full-time is exhausting.

PP here who said I had way more student loans than DH. I know you are upset right now but I think it will all work out for you. Once you get married, I think it will be natural for your FI to put down the down payment on your one day future home. You will pay down your medical bills and student loans.
when the wedding bills come, you probably simply won't have the money to pay as much as your FI since you have these medical bills and he will probably pay them.

DH and I got married, paid for a honeymoon to Bora Bora and closed on our house all within 2 weeks. We did not have enough money to cover closing costs and had to borrow from MIL. With the cash we received at our wedding, thankfully we were able to pay back MIL right away. Our bank accounts were in 3 digits and we barely had enough to tip our vendors at our wedding. From then on, we were one unit and have been ever since. We did keep separate bank accounts until our first child was born. DH paid for all house - mortgage, bills, car insurance, etc. I bought all the groceries and house stuff like furniture. We both wanted our student loans gone so we put anything extra towards our loans.

Terrible, very bad, awful advice.

What will happen naturally is what has been happening naturally so far. This dude is taking advantage of OP. Your bora bora story is irrelevant.

I disagree. Let's say OP has 20k in savings and her FI has 75k. Wedding costs 40k and OP only has 10k. Her FI will have to kick in 30k. Then they will be married and she earns less than half what he does. She has medical bills and student loans and he will probably pay more than 50% of the household bills and she will be able to pay off more of her bills. When you enter marriage with debt, it becomes collective debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly the more I read the more worried I get about the rabbit hole I have dug myself into.

He has no debts. Works 7 months of the year and is home for 5 and does not work when he does. He has paid off his cars and credit cards, he has a lot of money in savings.

I have 30k of student loan debt and increasing medical bills with a recent serious illness diagnosis. I *did* pay for his birthday before I had a health crisis and had been saving up for a while. I have bills that unfortunately keep piling up, hospital bills, medical bills, and today my car windshield cracked. I am feeling the financial burn. I have a $1000/month co-pay for a supply of one of the drugs i'm taking. Plus, *we* are splitting the cost of the wedding.

I cried today after posting this. He has said he will "help" with my bills but has yet to do so and I've already starting making payments on my hospital bills, and he makes generic statements like "maybe someone will mysteriously pay that bill off" without actually saying if he is helping or not. I have money in savings but with the cost of the wedding and my medical bills my savings should pretty much be depleted.

Honestly, with everything that has been going on medically with me I was hoping that I would be spoiled for my birthday. Which I why I was so upset when he suggested that I pay for half. I was really hoping that we could go away for a day or two in lieu of everything that has happened to me in the last two months.

That is why I want to be spoiled and be taken care of once in a while. Dealing with a chronic illness and working full-time is exhausting.

I'm sorry. What you need for your birthday is not a vacation but a set of meetings and classes with a financial advisor. You make $55K. You have $30K of student loan debt, significant medical debts, rising medical costs due to a diagnosis, and are engaged for a self-paid wedding. You should not be taking either of the vacations celebrating the birthdays. Not only are you incompatible with your mutual spending, but you are completely financially irresponsible and your fiance has a reason to be wary marrying you. The resort may only cost $250/night, but add in transportation and meals out, you are still talking probably minimum $700. And at your income and debt level, you should be taking at most one significant vacation per year. You need to pay down a lot of your debt before you spend a ton (and $1500 is about 5-15 times what you should be spending for a gift).

He balked because he has a more reasonable expectation ($300 instead of $700) for gifts.

I also think a $1500 birthday gift is too much at your income level, especially given your upcoming wedding expenses and student loans. Birthday gifts are not something you should have to save up for.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are red flags all over this. I am not sure where to start. But let's lay out a couple of problems.

You are the one putting in the efforts to plan dates and special events. In the larger scheme of things, this is not a big deal--I am the planner in our relationship. BUT, Dh expresses how much he appreciates it and finds his own way to reciprocate. Does your fiance do this? Does he do anything to show his appreciation?

Secondly, yes, spending 1500 on a birthday trip is extravagant by any means but especially if you are depleting savings! That being said, it was your choice, however irrational to do so. that being said, the fact that your fiance will not spend %500 on your birthday, and he makes 125 kand presumably has no dependents and is a consumer on himself is a problem. What is he spending his money on that another 250.00 is a stretch? If its golf clubs and drinks with friends and his BMW, but not your birthday, then you dont wnat to be with this guy because either he is a big spender and not saver or because you are low on his list of priorities.

Wedding costs: you should not be splitting this 50/50 as your incomes are not 50/50. You should be splitting this proportionally with whatever income is left after you accont for your basic expenses: rent/mortgage, transportation, medication, etc. It doesn't sound ike you have much left over. THe reasonable thing would be to scale the wedding bck to something very inexpensive, and that he can fund. Again, presumably, he has money to put away.

medical costs: the fact that you are paying so much out of pocket is disturbing in itself. WHat are your options for insurance once married? Why is your fiance expecthign christmas gifts when you can barely pay your bills? does he come from money or something? he seems clueless.

What is your situation now? I am assuming you do not live together; we have no information on how bills and epxneses are dealt with now. This would give you an indication of how it will go in marriage.

This raises a much bigger question: have you had hard discussions about finances once you are married? Are you joining your money in one big pot, is it kept separate? Does he have his own property that he owns (note if acquired before marriage it is not joint property)? I worry that he will expcet you to pay 50 % of all expenses, and he will invest all his extra income on himself and not on joint things. What about savings and money coming into the marriage? What about any inheritances? what about staying home versus working with kids? [not to mention: division of labor WITH kids]? what about percentage of income to save versus spend? For the people who said "dont worry, this will work out once you're married-" i say wrong! Finances and inlaws/extended family are the biggest sources of conflict in most marriages. Before DH and I got married, we had all of these talks .It wasnt easy, but we had some thigns that made our relationship in terms of finances work: we have similar ideas about how to save/spend. we came into the marriage on relatively equal footing. He DH did not make a lot of money when we got married (80k at 40 years old) but I made even less--60k at 35. I married him because he was a hard worker, loyal, stable and not the type to blow money and because I knew he valued me and what was his was mine, and vice versa. and because we agreed on what was worth spending on and what wasnt. 8 years later, our HHI has doubled so we are a lot more comfortable, but we never, ever fight or disagree about money. Only stupid stuff like leaving cabinets open .

while I hope it works out, this does not sound good. DO yourself a favor: postpone the wedding and save your pennies. If the relationship is worth fighting for, it will survive this and you will come out intact on better footing.

[Anonymous]

What kind of work allows for someone to work 7 months and not work for 5 months (is he a sole proprietor or something?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly the more I read the more worried I get about the rabbit hole I have dug myself into.

He has no debts. Works 7 months of the year and is home for 5 and does not work when he does. He has paid off his cars and credit cards, he has a lot of money in savings.

I have 30k of student loan debt and increasing medical bills with a recent serious illness diagnosis. I *did* pay for his birthday before I had a health crisis and had been saving up for a while. I have bills that unfortunately keep piling up, hospital bills, medical bills, and today my car windshield cracked. I am feeling the financial burn. I have a $1000/month co-pay for a supply of one of the drugs i'm taking. Plus, *we* are splitting the cost of the wedding.

I cried today after posting this. He has said he will "help" with my bills but has yet to do so and I've already starting making payments on my hospital bills, and he makes generic statements like "maybe someone will mysteriously pay that bill off" without actually saying if he is helping or not. I have money in savings but with the cost of the wedding and my medical bills my savings should pretty much be depleted.

Honestly, with everything that has been going on medically with me I was hoping that I would be spoiled for my birthday. Which I why I was so upset when he suggested that I pay for half. I was really hoping that we could go away for a day or two in lieu of everything that has happened to me in the last two months.

That is why I want to be spoiled and be taken care of once in a while. Dealing with a chronic illness and working full-time is exhausting.

OP, you need to grow up. You cannot afford to take lavish vacations right now, especially at $250 a night. We could afford it but I try to spend less than $100 a night when I can. You are already spoiled. Your priority needs to be paying off your debt and your medical care. Something see's off with your financial priorities and your relationship with him. Call your car insurance as some pay for cracked windshields.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly the more I read the more worried I get about the rabbit hole I have dug myself into.

He has no debts. Works 7 months of the year and is home for 5 and does not work when he does. He has paid off his cars and credit cards, he has a lot of money in savings.

I have 30k of student loan debt and increasing medical bills with a recent serious illness diagnosis. I *did* pay for his birthday before I had a health crisis and had been saving up for a while. I have bills that unfortunately keep piling up, hospital bills, medical bills, and today my car windshield cracked. I am feeling the financial burn. I have a $1000/month co-pay for a supply of one of the drugs i'm taking. Plus, *we* are splitting the cost of the wedding.

I cried today after posting this. He has said he will "help" with my bills but has yet to do so and I've already starting making payments on my hospital bills, and he makes generic statements like "maybe someone will mysteriously pay that bill off" without actually saying if he is helping or not. I have money in savings but with the cost of the wedding and my medical bills my savings should pretty much be depleted.

Honestly, with everything that has been going on medically with me I was hoping that I would be spoiled for my birthday. Which I why I was so upset when he suggested that I pay for half. I was really hoping that we could go away for a day or two in lieu of everything that has happened to me in the last two months.

That is why I want to be spoiled and be taken care of once in a while. Dealing with a chronic illness and working full-time is exhausting.

PP here who said I had way more student loans than DH. I know you are upset right now but I think it will all work out for you. Once you get married, I think it will be natural for your FI to put down the down payment on your one day future home. You will pay down your medical bills and student loans.
when the wedding bills come, you probably simply won't have the money to pay as much as your FI since you have these medical bills and he will probably pay them.

DH and I got married, paid for a honeymoon to Bora Bora and closed on our house all within 2 weeks. We did not have enough money to cover closing costs and had to borrow from MIL. With the cash we received at our wedding, thankfully we were able to pay back MIL right away. Our bank accounts were in 3 digits and we barely had enough to tip our vendors at our wedding. From then on, we were one unit and have been ever since. We did keep separate bank accounts until our first child was born. DH paid for all house - mortgage, bills, car insurance, etc. I bought all the groceries and house stuff like furniture. We both wanted our student loans gone so we put anything extra towards our loans.

Terrible, very bad, awful advice.

What will happen naturally is what has been happening naturally so far. This dude is taking advantage of OP. Your bora bora story is irrelevant.

I disagree. Let's say OP has 20k in savings and her FI has 75k. Wedding costs 40k and OP only has 10k. Her FI will have to kick in 30k. Then they will be married and she earns less than half what he does. She has medical bills and student loans and he will probably pay more than 50% of the household bills and she will be able to pay off more of her bills. When you enter marriage with debt, it becomes collective debt.

If they have that little in savings they should not be doing a lavish wedding.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you guys? Do you live together?

DH and I are in our late 30's so we have witnessed lots of married couples with varying financial backgrounds. In our circles, most couples come to the marriage with varying finances. One side is usually financially stronger than the other whether it be a higher income, trust fund baby, inheritance or whatever else. Most couples join their finances minus inheritances and trust funds. If you are a normal middle class couple, you will pay bills and loans together. Everything becomes more joined once the children come.

[Anonymous]

Omg everyone lay off. When I was in my 20s I sometimes made extravagant purchases for fun or for people I cared about. Maybe not financially excellent decision making but I never got myself in bad trouble and am noworking doing very well, plenty in retirement and debt free other than a mortgage and car loan. Better to make them in your 20s cause once your married with kids you can't do it anymore!

You gave your new fiance a great yet extravagant birthday gift, you do not deserve to be crucified for this jeez.

Your fiance on the other hand, Jesus. Once we were engaged my DH and I were one pot. The fact that you're still at this level of hair splitting make me think he doesn't plan on combining finances after marriage. Is this true? If he isn't talking about your medical debt as your collective debt than that is very concerning. He seems to have not shifted to thinking of you all as a unit. Bad thing #1. He seems to not be taking care of you and supporting you through your diagnosis. Bad thing #2 (worst thing IMO). He seems to kind of play games with you about how he is feeling and thinking about your finances. Bad thing #3. He's generous to himself but cheap to you. Bad thing #4.

So op I'm another that rarely employs the DTMF refrain (dump that mother effer for the earlier pp app didn't know) but honestly you guys need to have a long conversation. And if he hasn't assuaged your fears at the end I would rethink the marriage. You don't want to have a two year old and be arguing about who's paying for July's diapers while you're doing all the night feedings and getting him world's best dad t shirts.

He needs to show you he understands your concerns, explain what he's going to do to change them and most importantly, talk to you candidly while treating you with love compassion and kindness. That is how marriage works, nor haggling over vacation nights and ordering 1000 dollars worth of Christmas presents from a spouse.

[Anonymous]

How much did he spend on your ring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He spends and has spent a lot on himself. Everything from his golf clubs to his vehicle has to be top of the line. The issue is that he does the same to me, he tells me what he wants for Christmas, his gifts he want will cost probably in excess of $800.

And no, he didn't tell me that he wanted to go on a trip I did it to surprise him and thought he would enjoy it. He also asked me what I wanted to do and then clearly doesn't want to pay for it.

The frustrating part is I feel like I put in a lot of effort, time, energy and money but it's rarely requited.

Op, in light of the further explanation of your finances, the fact he puts this expectation on you for his Christmas gifts is really disturbing. You have to get real with yourself about your debt and your income, and so does he.

We've all been young and dumb about money. I hope this is him simply being "young and dumb" as well, but if you intend to be married and share finances, you both need to grow up and figure out what's going on. Maybe you guys can take a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University course together, and let that be the springboard for the serious conversations you need to be having.