FI suggested I pay for my birthday?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've had conversations, yes. We generally agree on main principles and have shared goals. But he never spoils me, ever. Or really puts in effort to plan dates or anything - I always have to choose and plan what we do. I end up paying for and planning the bulk of dates and things we do.

Well it's only going to go downhill from when you are dating... so either you are ok with it or find someone else.

DH spoiled me rotten when we were dating. The effort stopped after we got married. He does make a very good living and I buy/do whatever I want but not much effort from his part. I plan all our vacations, everything kid and social. He just earns the money. You get used to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lastly, it's also not good to lavishly spend on him if he didn't ask for the trip you took him on (maybe he did, not enough info) and then automatically expect the same in return. Kinda inconsiderate. I would never expect a beach resort trip as a gift but that's just me.

Did he ask you to treat him to 4-5 day vacation? If he is as frugal as he sounds, he probably wouldn't spend that on himself. I also know when DH and I were engaged we were putting all out money towards the wedding with an eye towards a downpayment on a house so personally it would have stressed me out if he spent $1500 on a birthday trip for me and then wanted me to spend $750 on a trip for him. That $2250 could be used for something called our honeymoon!

Anyway, I see a few issues. You and FI are not on the same page about money. Is there a gift limit while planning for the wedding? Was this discussed? Also, you have the idea that what you do for him is what he will do for you and that's not how it works. He may never be the type to lavish gifts ....ever, so you very well me here on DCUM married saying your DH doesn't do much for your birthday. If you can't live with this for the next 20 years, get out now. The last thing is trying to force someone to do something. I'm a strong believer that a gift is exactly that, something not expected, a generousity on the part of the other person. It would annoy the heck out of me if someone tried to dictate my gift to them, not a choice among several things, not me asking, but someone telling. My mom does that all the time and it drives me up the wall. When you get married you will have to find that balance of letting the person be themselves and finding certain compromises ...not telling someone exactly what they need to do when and how as if they were your child or employee.

[Anonymous]

Even
After
All this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,

"You owe me."

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.
Hafiz

If you're keeping score, whether it's justifiable or not, the relationship isn't right.

[Anonymous]

He spends and has spent a lot on himself. Everything from his golf clubs to his vehicle has to be top of the line. The issue is that he does the same to me, he tells me what he wants for Christmas, his gifts he want will cost probably in excess of $800.

And no, he didn't tell me that he wanted to go on a trip I did it to surprise him and thought he would enjoy it. He also asked me what I wanted to do and then clearly doesn't want to pay for it.

The frustrating part is I feel like I put in a lot of effort, time, energy and money but it's rarely requited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have really high birthday expectations.

Doesn't sound like it to me, sounds like this is just the way they both celebrate their birthdays

[Anonymous]

He obviously is not that into you.

[Anonymous]

you're unfortunately probably right PP. I should move on.

[Anonymous]

Even with that kind of earning you have that kid of vacation?

[Anonymous]

Yeah - 1500 is not much. I had a good tax return and saved for a couple of months to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Is he american or from another country?
In some cultures, the bithday person treats the guests.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you can stop thinking about going to one of those trips ($250/night) once you get married. Come to term with this before you jump in. If not, you will post here more often about your marriage's issues.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is buying you a present. Everyone has different love languages. DH likes low key birthdays. He likes to do cake and handmade cards from the kids is enough. I often buy him an expensive gift that he may later return because he does not think it is worth the cost. My birthday, anniversary and Mother's Day is in May. I usually pick out an expensive bag, we go on a trip and we go out for some sort of nice dinner and show/concert. I'm a SAHM so all the money technically comes from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make 55, he makes 125+. I enjoy spending money on him, like I truly enjoy spoiling him. But I have never felt he does the same for me - ever. It kind of sucks. Maybe we shouldn't get married.

If you only make $55k, you are crazy to be spending $1,500 on a birthday present.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a ring? A set date?

[Anonymous]

Yes we have a ring and a date.