FI suggested I pay for my birthday?!

[Anonymous]

If you want to continue this relationship, ask him to pay for premarital counseling/coaching. Seriously. It doesn't mean you have problems (which you do), it means you are preparing for how to handle inevitable differences that come up in marriage.

You do not sound well matched at all. My DH and I are very much on the same page financially and with life expectations, and I still get pissed at how often I have to take the lead. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER WITHOUT EXTREME CLARITY AND WORK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DTMF...like yesterday!

What the hell is DTMF?

Dump the mother f*#%er

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly the more I read the more worried I get about the rabbit hole I have dug myself into.

He has no debts. Works 7 months of the year and is home for 5 and does not work when he does. He has paid off his cars and credit cards, he has a lot of money in savings.

I have 30k of student loan debt and increasing medical bills with a recent serious illness diagnosis. I *did* pay for his birthday before I had a health crisis and had been saving up for a while. I have bills that unfortunately keep piling up, hospital bills, medical bills, and today my car windshield cracked. I am feeling the financial burn. I have a $1000/month co-pay for a supply of one of the drugs i'm taking. Plus, *we* are splitting the cost of the wedding.

I cried today after posting this. He has said he will "help" with my bills but has yet to do so and I've already starting making payments on my hospital bills, and he makes generic statements like "maybe someone will mysteriously pay that bill off" without actually saying if he is helping or not. I have money in savings but with the cost of the wedding and my medical bills my savings should pretty much be depleted.

Honestly, with everything that has been going on medically with me I was hoping that I would be spoiled for my birthday. Which I why I was so upset when he suggested that I pay for half. I was really hoping that we could go away for a day or two in lieu of everything that has happened to me in the last two months.

That is why I want to be spoiled and be taken care of once in a while. Dealing with a chronic illness and working full-time is exhausting.

OP, are you dense? He wants to give you a birthday gift of paying off your bills. That is why he is aghast that you are insisting on an expensive trip.

You sound like you have escapist tendencies when life gets tough, and you also sound like you try to get your needs met by doing for others what you want done for you. This is misguided at best and codependent at worst.

My suggestion is to shut the hell up about your birthday. Stop being so pushy. Let him show you what he is really about by observing how he behaves.

To me it sounds like you are almost enjoying this feeling of indignation at his "poor" behavior. You don't get a prize for setting traps for people to behave badly towards you (such as by spending a ton of money on a trip for them and then demanding reciprocation) as you continue to be what I am sure in your mind is oh so generous and selfless.

You sound whiny, entitled, and immature, OP and like you deal with problems by trying to escape from reality.

Second, you need to just focus on your and getting your shit together. No more trying to escape from reality with trips and elaborate dates. There are love languages and then there is plain insanity. It's unclear to me whether or not this guy is a jerk (wanting you to buy him expensive birthday gifts at your income level is troubling), but no matter what your future holds, you need to grow up and start being more responsible. You know why people save? For emergencies just like the medical one you are now facing. Maybe you shouldn't have spent that $1500 on a birthday gift, huh?

For what it's worth, I see an old version of myself in you. And I would get frustrated by my DH when he wanted to cheap out on my birthday and generally speaking prefer to delay gratification. In fact, to this day, he has never bought me a true gift other than my admittedly expensive engagement ring. Instead of gifts he has made large payments toward my student loan (which is now nearly gone) and towards my Roth IRA.

There was a time that I couldn't imagine boring stuff like that making me feel "spoiled" but now that I have some financial security and someone who encourages me to make good choices and be the best person I can be, I feel truly lucky.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in a similar situation with my now-DH (He made a lot and had tons in savings, I made little and had crippling amounts of debt). My DH has worked hard his entire life to get to where he is financially and was extremely concerned that I would destroy his savings and investments, and rightfully so. I had to prove to him that I didn't have unreasonable expectations about money and had to work hard at paying off a lot of my debt before he offered to help out.

You also entered a covert contract with your fiance- since you paid for an extravagant vacation, you expect him to do the same. Stop that. He didn't sign that contract. Your life will be much happier if you stop expecting people to repay you when you do something nice for them.

You have to get your finances under control for YOUR well being. No more wasting money on trips or gifts. And honestly, if I were in your position, I'd call off the wedding because there's no way you can afford half of a wedding. Don't be pissed about it, just a cheerful "given I'm going to have upcoming medical expenses, I think spending money on a wedding isn't a wise choice". It is also fair of you to ask him for an answer on whether or not he's going to help with your medical bills, but don't be emotional or demanding about it. You are just asking for your own plans, not to manipulate him.

[Anonymous]

My best friend often got upset over holidays like Valentine's Day and her birthday. She had a wonderful boyfriend who was overall great but wasn't a big gift giver. He would take her out to dinner to celebrate and it wasn't enough and disappointing for her. She is now 38 and still single. Birthdays are not that big of a deal to a lot of people. Be happy if he gets you a card and wishes you happy birthday or else you may be single on your next birthday.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a lot of the above posters about your financial situation. Maybe he is planning to pay off some of your debt as a gift. Frankly, if someone would do that for ME, that would be better than any vacation!!!

I make what you do, but I don't live in the DC area. (Rust Belt, actually.) Even with an easier cost of living, I only take ONE vacation per year, that my fiancé and I split the costs on, and is within driving distance of our home. To have to save up for months and months and use up our tax returns on one trip is just downright silly. (We both also subscribe to the "it's not where you're at, it's who you're with" philosophy and we would have fun together even if our vacation was staying home together and not going to a beach!). If you need to go to some exotic location to actually be having fun with your significant other, you need to really examine your relationship.

Maybe he is asking for an expensive present because you've already played it off like you have all this money to spend on him? Are you completely truthful about your financial situation with him? I don't think you need to pour over each other's tax returns and paychecks but he should have a pretty solid idea of what's in your budget. If you're giving off the vibe that you DO have money and CAN afford that, that may be why he asked for it. It's really okay to say to him, things have changed with my medical bills and I just can't afford this gift right now.

And I'm sorry you have medical issues but you're a grown up and no one needs to be spoiled. You're being a complete brat about all of this to be quite honest. You're not a princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make 55, he makes 125+. I enjoy spending money on him, like I truly enjoy spoiling him. But I have never felt he does the same for me - ever. It kind of sucks. Maybe we shouldn't get married.

I'm sorry to be rude, but you sound like you have princess expectations and/or don't get the reality of money. I am guessing you have a lot of credit card debt if you think those kinds of expenditures are appropriate on your (or his for that matter!) salary. You need a reality check.

[Anonymous]

He works for 7 months and has 5 months off? What kind of job is this?