FI suggested I pay for my birthday?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make 55, he makes 125+. I enjoy spending money on him, like I truly enjoy spoiling him. But I have never felt he does the same for me - ever. It kind of sucks. Maybe we shouldn't get married.

If you only make $55k, you are crazy to be spending $1,500 on a birthday present.

This.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound good, op. Do not marry this guy because you will be even more frustrated once you get married and then again if you decide to have kids. Just get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have a ring and a date.

Who is paying for the wedding?

If you are paying for wedding together, I can see why he doesn't want to go away. Many couples have to save to pay for a wedding. Your combined income is a good start but it isn't a ton of money and wedding plus honeymoon can get very expensive. Most engaged couples also have down payments and children on their minds as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, could you try to scale back what you want for your birthday? A local BnB with good restaurant rather than a trip? If it is truly just about spoiling you or him treating you special, then give him a few less extravagant suggestions and see what he does. If it is about the money (and I suspect it is), then you have a problem. You need to sit down together and have a serious, detailed talk about money. And then decide if you can live with what you hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound good, op. Do not marry this guy because you will be even more frustrated once you get married and then again if you decide to have kids. Just get out now.

I agree with this. Red flags everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound good, op. Do not marry this guy because you will be even more frustrated once you get married and then again if you decide to have kids. Just get out now.

I agree with this. Red flags everywhere.

I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. I have watched several of my friends date/marry/divorce generous guys who live above their means so I may have a different perspective. Far better to have a financially responsible spouse than a man who is overly generous and racks up debt to pay for it.

DH is a physician. I met him when he was in med school so I outearned him for most of our relationship. He now earns a very high living but still spends like he was a resident surgeon earning 50-60k per year. We save a crazy amount of money. At first we were just trying to pay down our student loans. Now we are debt free and building net worth and there just isn't much we want to spend and buy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't sound good, op. Do not marry this guy because you will be even more frustrated once you get married and then again if you decide to have kids. Just get out now.

I agree with this. Red flags everywhere.

I have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. I have watched several of my friends date/marry/divorce generous guys who live above their means so I may have a different perspective. Far better to have a financially responsible spouse than a man who is overly generous and racks up debt to pay for it.

DH is a physician. I met him when he was in med school so I outearned him for most of our relationship. He now earns a very high living but still spends like he was a resident surgeon earning 50-60k per year. We save a crazy amount of money. At first we were just trying to pay down our student loans. Now we are debt free and building net worth and there just isn't much we want to spend and buy.

But we don't know that this is about the fiance being "financially responsible" and asking the OP to pay for half of her gift because he's trying to save money. In fact, based on what OP has posted, this is more about how they give gifts for each other. They are not on the same page. That's a completely different issue. A partner can be financially responsible and still make their partner feel special with gifts. Those gifts don't have to cost much--it's about the effort. OP isn't getting what she wants.

[Anonymous]

He is asking you for gifts that cost $800?!? That's insane. Does he recognize the cost?

[Anonymous]

You are acting like the man in the relationship. Spending $ on him, taking him on trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have kids. I paid roughly $1500 for his birthday. The hotel I want to go to is $250/night and he wants me to pay for one night. I just told him I don't want to go anymore - it's not worth stressing or fighting over.

Lady, the trip is a sign of the future. You guys should break up. He is not that into you and a selfish guy.

[Anonymous]

Run.

This guy will never reciprocate with gifts. He will expect you to carry the load. He won't get up in the middle of the night with a crying baby. He will ask you what you are making for dinner when you have the flu.

Run. Fast.

PS - Ten bucks says he's dating someone on the side and will end the engagement soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make 55, he makes 125+. I enjoy spending money on him, like I truly enjoy spoiling him. But I have never felt he does the same for me - ever. It kind of sucks. Maybe we shouldn't get married.

If you only make $55k, you are crazy to be spending $1,500 on a birthday present.

+1000. I have to be missing something here. You make less than half of what he does, you make most of the plans for dates/outings and pay for them, you are treating to $1500 birthday presents and seriously consider when he requests gifts in excess of $800 for Christmas? Is the sex just that good? Are you living together and he is paying some big expense like the rent/mortgage so this is freeing up an extra $1000 or so a month? This makes no sense to me why else you would allow this craziness. Why haven't you insisted long ago that you take turn for paying for outings? Your FI has no problems being blunt asking you to help pay for things on your birthday no less.

I'm very curious how you guys plan to handle money when you get married - he apparently is making a decent salary but spends generously on himself with top of the line everything so who knows how much he saves, and you make much less, but are overly generous (maybe gifts are your love language) even if you would do better saving that money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make 55, he makes 125+. I enjoy spending money on him, like I truly enjoy spoiling him. But I have never felt he does the same for me - ever. It kind of sucks. Maybe we shouldn't get married.

If you only make $55k, you are crazy to be spending $1,500 on a birthday present.

This.

Totally this. I am admittedly frugal, but gah, that would give me a heart attack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are acting like the man in the relationship. Spending $ on him, taking him on trips.

This. Your relationship is way out of balance. Asking for $800 Christmas presents from someone making $50k is frankly disgusting. I never say this on here, but this is pretty f'ed up and worth reconsidering the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make 55, he makes 125+. I enjoy spending money on him, like I truly enjoy spoiling him. But I have never felt he does the same for me - ever. It kind of sucks. Maybe we shouldn't get married.

You make $55k annually and are engaged. Why on earth are you spending $1500 on a birthday trip?