I'm on the verge of divorce, talk me down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dollars to donuts, her DH had a SAHM.

I'm thinking the opposite. He probably just assumes that doing the housecleaning is a part of being a SAHM. But, apparently that's not the consensus on DCUM.

I did not know any SAHMs growing up, so I am fascinated by this phenomenon of affluent women, who go to expensive colleges, only to stay at home and raise 1 or 2 children, and not really work outside of the house until the kids are fully grown (if ever). And then somehow don't expect to be doing most of the housework and child rearing.

A previous poster suggested hiring a housekeeper. This is like a plumber saying that he needs the customer do some of the plumbing for him, or that you need to give him extra money, so he can hire a second plumber to do the actual plumbing. Would you want to hire this plumber?

I completely agree!! My mom, and my aunt with my cousins, SAH with us in the 70's and 80's. We didn't have housekeepers. Our dads didn't clean. You want the SAH job? Be prepared to do the SAH work, princesses, which includes cleaning and tidying. The job used to be called a "homemaker"'before. For a reason.

Although I agree with this generally, I think OP is getting at a basic lack of courtesy. It's a fine line, but even if I had essentially agreed to do all the housecleaning, I would feel disrespected by someone who doesn't bother to throw their own trash away, flush the toilet etc. There is a difference between having a house cleaner and a servant.

[Anonymous]

What in the world is OP going to do when that toddler becomes a grubby elementary school kid tracking germs and mud into the house, leaving cupboards open, etc...put him up for adoption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is OP going to do when that toddler becomes a grubby elementary school kid tracking germs and mud into the house, leaving cupboards open, etc...put him up for adoption?

There's a big difference between a toddler behaving like a toddler and a husband behaving like a toddler!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is OP going to do when that toddler becomes a grubby elementary school kid tracking germs and mud into the house, leaving cupboards open, etc...put him up for adoption?

There's a big difference between a toddler behaving like a toddler and a husband behaving like a toddler!

And there's a big difference between being annoyed with a few sloppy (yet harmless) habits and divorcing over them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is OP going to do when that toddler becomes a grubby elementary school kid tracking germs and mud into the house, leaving cupboards open, etc...put him up for adoption?

There's a big difference between a toddler behaving like a toddler and a husband behaving like a toddler!

Definitely!

The husband is the one supporting you.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long had you known your husband before you decided to marry him? I can't imagine the guy changing from a neatnik into a sloppy mess upon getting married; he must have been like that all along, and you should have noticed it beforehand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is OP going to do when that toddler becomes a grubby elementary school kid tracking germs and mud into the house, leaving cupboards open, etc...put him up for adoption?

There's a big difference between a toddler behaving like a toddler and a husband behaving like a toddler!

Definitely!

The husband is the one supporting you.

This is a twisted attempt at logic.

I have a piggish DH similar to OPs. he literally stopped picking up after himself once we moved from an apartment to a house, then had kids.
It is clear from his daily Droppings that he thinks little of his house or property or me or the live-out nanny. In fact his total lack of respect, appreciation and even acknowledgment of what it takes to run a family household is THE reason I don't SAHM. Yes, it would be better for the kids, but DH views it as better and smoother for him. Then he can do even less house or kid stuff, and continue to be a pig.

The ONLY way SAHM works is if the other spouse respects the role. OP's husband does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how long had you known your husband before you decided to marry him? I can't imagine the guy changing from a neatnik into a sloppy mess upon getting married; he must have been like that all along, and you should have noticed it beforehand.

i remember my spouse moving out of grad school. He left his room full of papers, garbage, and some furniture. His roommate had to write him a letter requesting help and payment for movers/cleaners. I also recall him roommate trying to teach him to clean up tables and kitchen ASAP, wrap food up to be airproof and how to ensure ziplocks are actually zipped. He is still awful.
He is particularly sloppy when his parents visit; it's like he regressed to age 8 and was one of those households where the kids were told their only job is to study and get good grades. And get waited on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What in the world is OP going to do when that toddler becomes a grubby elementary school kid tracking germs and mud into the house, leaving cupboards open, etc...put him up for adoption?

There's a big difference between a toddler behaving like a toddler and a husband behaving like a toddler!

Definitely!

The husband is the one supporting you.

This is a twisted attempt at logic.

I have a piggish DH similar to OPs. he literally stopped picking up after himself once we moved from an apartment to a house, then had kids.
It is clear from his daily Droppings that he thinks little of his house or property or me or the live-out nanny. In fact his total lack of respect, appreciation and even acknowledgment of what it takes to run a family household is THE reason I don't SAHM. Yes, it would be better for the kids, but DH views it as better and smoother for him. Then he can do even less house or kid stuff, and continue to be a pig.

The ONLY way SAHM works is if the other spouse respects the role. OP's husband does not.

I'm not sure I'd heed your advice--you seem to have quite an adversarial relationship with your husband.

And where in OP's response is there any mention of the respect, appreciation, or acknowledgement of what it takes to be the sole breadwinner of the house? The stress that causes? The annoyance of a commute? Dealing with crappy co-workers?

OP says she enjoys staying at home, but then says she wants to divorce her husband over the cabinets, unclosed cereal boxes, and light switches. Aside from his slopiness, is he a good father? Is he loving in other ways? OP--what DO you like about your husband? There is clearly much more at play here.

Relationships are about compromise. OP is incredibly selfish if she's willing to break up the marriage and a child's parental structure over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my DH is EXACTLY LIKE THIS. Why it is so hard to close the cabinet doors or push in the dresser drawers, I will never understand. Although, when my MIL visits she does the same thing, so I guess at least I know where it comes from.

DH has been like this ever since we got together and has gradually improved through effort at training on my part. I would not recommend talking to him about how XYZ makes you feel and asking him in generic terms to be neater. My DH would be annoyed by that and would consider it to be passive aggressive (even though it's not but whatever). Instead, give him concrete steps and tell him what to do, in a neutral, pleasant tone, and then thank him for doing it. Focus on one or two things at a time until he has mastered those things, then move on. If you see behavior you don't like, ignore it until the time comes to focus on that behavior. Essentially, think of him like you do your 2 year old in terms of how you are trying to instill good behaviors. I know it sounds condescending, but my DH now hangs up his towel after showers without fail instead of leaving it in a ball on the floor to mildew and that is a BIG WIN.

Don't divorce. Just pick your battles.

+! great advice! And I wholeheartedly agree - 1 or 2 things at a time, neutral, pleasant voice. Works for me! My DH used to chuck water bottles all around his apartment upon completion and pick them up like once a month. Now he leaves very little personal imprint - except his ass imprint literally on the freshly made bed while he is getting dressed. But I'll be attacking that one soon.

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot of people have given you a hard time. And I get where they are coming from in a sense, but I think it's because you are framing this issue incorrectly.

You seem to think this is about cleaning and mess, but I think it's really about you feeling shit on.

My DH use to do this all the time too, and once in a while still does - throws his socks all over, leaves cabinet doors open, etc.

There is a direct correlation between how "controlled" he feels and when this kind of behavior starts up.

The more I would harp, the more he resisted. Eventually I recognized this pattern and started backing off. I would show him that I was willing to accommodate his preferences, too (which are to be less rigid than me about tidiness). I *gasp* just started picking up his socks. I started shutting the cabinet doors behind him.

You know what happened? He started getting a whole lot more receptive when I said "Honey, I know you really like to chuck your stinky socks all over our bedroom, but would you mind please at least trying to confine them to one corner? That would mean so much to me."

But only AFTER I dropped the power struggle was he receptive to that.

[Anonymous]

Just stroke the fragile male ego. Works everytime.