I'm on the verge of divorce, talk me down
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Anonymous
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I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.
I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times. |
Anonymous
| Op here. Sorry for all the typos in my original post. |
Anonymous
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You have a toddler. Your life is going to be chaotic sh*t for the next 3-5 years. It will get better.
Lower your standards, and just survive. |
Anonymous
| It is understandable. But it is not worth divorcing over. Your life wont be easier. I totally get it. My husband is similar. And we both work full time. I finally realized that he would never become tidy because he doesn't see it. He would never open mail or even pick it up off the floor. He opens and does not close. He turns on and does not turn off. He will do laundry but not fold or put away. He will do dishes but leave counters dirty. He does care though. So, I had to do a couple things. First, I shifted more tasks to him that do not involve cleaning/tidying. Like, he does all the grocery shopping, all the errands (cvs, hardware store, cleaners), all yard work. He will do specific things if i make a big deal (please vacuum). He also takes the kids more on the weekends and I spend an hour or two cleaning and sorting, with music, and then spend time on me. Second thing I did was hire someone to tidy up. Not clean, but tidy. She is also our afternoon sitter, so it works well--that is probably not feasible for you at this point but if it is, its great to have someone help out a couple times a week--she mostly does dishes and laundry. Third thing is that I lowered our standards. I just accepted that with two kids things were chaotic. We clean up before people come over but until then, there are shoes out, and things to put away. |
Anonymous
| You want to divorce over shoes on the floor? Yes that is crazy. Your life as a single working parent to a 2 year old whom you don't see 50% of the time would be way more stressful than some dishes. |
Anonymous
| You are a stressed out mom of a toddler. It would be nice if your husband would help a bit more at home, but chaos and untidiness in the home right now go with the territory. I often advocate divorce for situations posted in this forum, but your situation does NOT even come close. If you can get a little outside help, do so. If not, please just stop trying to have a "show house" so you can relax and enjoy your young family. They grow really fast and you will have plenty of time to clean the kitchen counter when your little one is off at school in a few years. |
Anonymous
I think that the first half of this is good advice - for her DH. "DH, we have a toddler, so life is going to be chaotic shit for the next few years. Can you please stop with the careless messes?" The stuff you're describing with the cabinets and the freezer is incredibly annoying and thoughtless. As for the dish issue, if he can't handle the dishes, you could do them yourself. |
Anonymous
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I agree with the PP. It will get better. Assume chaos and hang in there. Find a moms group to go out for coffee with, or mall strolls, or a weekly playgroup, or something to get you out of the house. If you can, hire a daytime sitter to give you some me time out of the house. Better yet, if you can, hire a housecleaner. Yes, your husband is being a schlub. Has that changed since you married? Or just more obvious now with toddler chaos as well?
If you get divorced, guess what? You still wake up to a messy toddler, your life is still chaos, but now that toddler grows up in a broken home. When the going gets tough, divorce is not the answer. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is not about having a "show house". Some people hate messiness. Physical messiness creates mental messiness for some. I happen to be one of those people. Cleanliness creates calm for me. As the mother of a toddler i understand that my home won't be as clean as pre-baby, but I would like in the meantime for my spouse to step up and stop contributing to the mess in communal areas of our house. |
Anonymous
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If you get divorced, guess what? Half the time you won't even see your toddler. And when you do, you'll be passing him off to a nanny because you have to haul your tired ass to work. Then go to bed alone. With no one to share the joys of your child with. Who again, won't even be with you half the time. Is that somehow better?
At the end of a long day, a nice glass of wine does wonders... |
Anonymous
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Save the money you'd spend on a divorce - and keeping two separate households - to get a housekeeper. If you don't have to do all the cleaning during the day, maybe you would be ok with spending half an hour in the morning cleaning up.
Also, this stuff is so small that I'm really not sure how it could possibly bother you enough to divorce over. |
Anonymous
So is this new behavior from DH? Was he previously tidy like you and then you had a baby and he all the sudden became less tidy? If you used to deal with this by cleaning after him and now you are too tired or have too much else to do to take care of that, it's sort of on you. |
Anonymous
| Read "the proper care and feeding of husbands" by dr. Laura. It will change your perspective and help you feel better. |
Anonymous
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Ugh, this is so annoying. OP, I get that this isn't about expecting him to clean up when he gets home, it's about him refraining from making MORE mess!
Is he at least able to use bins, etc., that you could strategically place? Cabinet doors being open and unsealed food would also drive me nuts. I'd pick three battles (cabinet doors but not the lights, for example) and explain to him how much these things affect you and maybe make you feel like a servant, not a wife. As far as the dishes, if you've talked with him and he still does it his way, can you run the machine twice: one quick non-drying cycle (for rinsing) and then the regular cycle? |
Anonymous
| Please divorce him. My ex divorced me for precisely the same reasons and it was the best thing that ever happeened to me. I upgraded from a unambitious and selfish SAH to one of the top docs in the city. |