I'm on the verge of divorce, talk me down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please divorce him. My ex divorced me for precisely the same reasons and it was the best thing that ever happeened to me. I upgraded from a unambitious and selfish SAH to one of the top docs in the city.

I would be so embarrassed to admit, even anonymously, that I'm such a child and so incredibly selfish that I couldn't even clean up after myself, causing a divorce. You certainly sound like a prize....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please divorce him. My ex divorced me for precisely the same reasons and it was the best thing that ever happeened to me. I upgraded from a unambitious and selfish SAH to one of the top docs in the city.

I would be so embarrassed to admit, even anonymously, that I'm such a child and so incredibly selfish that I couldn't even clean up after myself, causing a divorce. You certainly sound like a prize....

I would be so embarrassed to admit to my child years down the road that I divorced her Dad because he forgot to close the cupboards and flip off a few light switches.

[Anonymous]

If you are a full time SAH parent, you are the primary parent and should be responsible for cleaning up. Otherwise, what is the point?

Watching one child and cleaning up around the house shouldn't be this big of a deal. Imagine what it feels like to have a SAH wife who, instead of being grateful, can't handle one child and wanted to divorce because she occasionally has to clean up after you.

Maybe being a SAH isn't for you. Get a job and hire a house cleaner and a nanny.

[Anonymous]

I think you should consider whether you are suffering from anxiety.
I only get upset at the messes my DH makes when I am anxious.
The things you describe sound small. The fact that they enrage you so suggests to me that you've got some anger or anxiety under the surface and this is the excuse that lets it erupt.
I suspect you need (1) breaks from the house and the kid (2) interesting things to look forward to (3) dates with your DH (3) possibly medication if you are indeed anxious and depressed

[Anonymous]

People divorce over money and infidelity. Not messy houses.

Choose your battles, leave the messes (does it really matter if the puzzle pieces are scattered? Just push to the side if needed), and let go a little. Don't miss the toddler years bc you're busy picking up shoes in the hallway (which only you will notice).

Your title is over the top.

[Anonymous]

Dollars to donuts, her DH had a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Op you shouldn't be married to anyone. You need to be on your own. Get a job and live on your own. Don't have anymore kids. In fact you should leave your child with your husband and move out and live on your own. How in the world can you justify living in a house 24/7, you don't leave to work, and you are only responsible for the care of only one human being, a child, and you want to divorce over a dirty house? Please tell me there's more to this problem that you are just not sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please divorce him. My ex divorced me for precisely the same reasons and it was the best thing that ever happeened to me. I upgraded from a unambitious and selfish SAH to one of the top docs in the city.

Not to hijack this thread, but go to hell if you consider SAHs to be unambitious and selfish. Being a stay-at-home parent (and this goes for dads too) is one of the most selfless things you can ever do. [b]Your *entire* day revolves around service to a toddler or infant. You sacrifice career goals because it is in the best interest of the child/family. It is an extremely selfless undertaking, and as is evidenced by this moron, incredibly thankless for 95 percent of the time. But I know this: When my kids are grown, I won't regret FOR ONE MINUTE staying home with them.

1) you turned this into a SAHM martyr mommy war thread

2) please, everyone knows that SAH with a kid is far easier than the daycare shuffle most working parents have to slog thru. That's why all the rich moms dont work. If it really was not easier they at least would have hobby jobs and nannies, but even that is more work than SAH.

3) it is kind of hard when you have a baby and are sleep deprived but a toddler? Seriously corral him in a playroom already and crack open a bottle of wine.

4) being the breadwinner sucks. How often do you thank your husband for paying all your bills and allowing you to stay home?

5) you guys need more sex. That will make everyone in a better mood.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband what s important to you -- it is certainly respectful for adults to clean up after themselves, plus he isn't likely a total slob at the office. That is insulting to you.

Is he thankful and appreciative for your role of raising the children, keeping the house, maintaining the cars/house/yard, etc.? Or does he look down on the role too?

Might just be a narcissistic selfish pig. Try counseling or document everything and speak with family attorneys. He is an awful role model for kids, and you will not need to count n him more the next 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is understandable. But it is not worth divorcing over. Your life wont be easier. I totally get it. My husband is similar. And we both work full time. I finally realized that he would never become tidy because he doesn't see it. He would never open mail or even pick it up off the floor. He opens and does not close. He turns on and does not turn off. He will do laundry but not fold or put away. He will do dishes but leave counters dirty. He does care though. So, I had to do a couple things. First, I shifted more tasks to him that do not involve cleaning/tidying. Like, he does all the grocery shopping, all the errands (cvs, hardware store, cleaners), all yard work. He will do specific things if i make a big deal (please vacuum). He also takes the kids more on the weekends and I spend an hour or two cleaning and sorting, with music, and then spend time on me. Second thing I did was hire someone to tidy up. Not clean, but tidy. She is also our afternoon sitter, so it works well--that is probably not feasible for you at this point but if it is, its great to have someone help out a couple times a week--she mostly does dishes and laundry. Third thing is that I lowered our standards. I just accepted that with two kids things were chaotic. We clean up before people come over but until then, there are shoes out, and things to put away.

It's called Half-Assing It, and he only does it at your home, for you. Not with his friend, not with his parents, and not at his office. Just for you. To control you, and aggravate you, and passive aggressively put you in your place.

Go ahead, hire a housekeeper for $20/hour for your man child. Then ask why your children are slobs late too. Congrats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times.

Why do you clean up after him? He's a grown ass man!

Yeah, just leave all his $hit out for the ants and toddler to eat! His mommy must have done everything for him, then he put on avoid show while being a bachelor. What does he do around the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a full time SAH parent, you are the primary parent and should be responsible for cleaning up. Otherwise, what is the point?

Watching one child and cleaning up around the house shouldn't be this big of a deal. Imagine what it feels like to have a SAH wife who, instead of being grateful, can't handle one child and wanted to divorce because she occasionally has to clean up after you.

Maybe being a SAH isn't for you. Get a job and hire a house cleaner and a nanny.

Hey wifey, stay at home to care for the kids. Oh, and also I'm going to stop putting trash in the trash, putting my clean clothes in drawers, cleaning my dirty dishes and offing up anything for anyone (including mine) in the house. So a big thanks and F You everyday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a full time SAH parent, you are the primary parent and should be responsible for cleaning up. Otherwise, what is the point?

Watching one child and cleaning up around the house shouldn't be this big of a deal. Imagine what it feels like to have a SAH wife who, instead of being grateful, can't handle one child and wanted to divorce because she occasionally has to clean up after you.

Maybe being a SAH isn't for you. Get a job and hire a house cleaner and a nanny.

Hey wifey, stay at home to care for the kids. Oh, and also I'm going to stop putting trash in the trash, putting my clean clothes in drawers, cleaning my dirty dishes and offing up anything for anyone (including mine) in the house. So a big thanks and F You everyday!

OP here. It's pretty much this. I know that what I'm complaining about may seem trivial. But it's everyday! I've expressed it politely on many occasions. I know that he can be reasonably tidy because he was very clean in public area when he had a neat freak roommate when we were dating, and when we lived together before getting married. Him taking things to a lazy level where he just said leaves stuff everywhere and doesn't even flush the toilet half the time, makes me feel like I'm a piece of crap. Like I'm not worthy of respect and just hear to live in a mess or pickup constantly. I don't mind doing most of the housework and childcare, but think he can at least throw trash in the garbage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read "the proper care and feeding of husbands" by dr. Laura. It will change your perspective and help you feel better.

I liked this book too. And it will make you feel a lot better, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times.

OP, like most women in your situation, you are probably completely disorganized with the household chores and child care and waste lots of time during the day. So when your husband gets home from work, the house is still a wreck because you haven't done anything all day. His job isn't to do the dishes--that's your job. Your toddler doesn't rip everything apart, and if he does, it's because you're not very good at your "job" of being a SAHM. You don't spend every moment of your life cleaning up after someone.

Have you ever timed yourself? Actually timed yourself what you actually do during the day? I would be very surprised if you actually spent more than 3 or 4 hours doing anything useful during the time that your husband is at work. Stop talking to your husband a million times and get back to work.