I'm on the verge of divorce, talk me down

[Anonymous]

I had 3 like your's OP. Meaning one grown two younger versions.

A life of servitude, a broke down body and mine are the rewards. I wish I had walked out long ago. No one gave a damn.

[Anonymous]

You have one child and don't work. Yes, being that stressed over this is crazy. Talk to him, clean up more than he does since you're home and he doesn't work, etc. Or if you can't take it, get a job and hire a cleaner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have one child and don't work. Yes, being that stressed over this is crazy. Talk to him, clean up more than he does since you're home and he doesn't work, etc. Or if you can't take it, get a job and hire a cleaner.

Sorry, meant to say he doesn't care as much, not he doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand. You didn't sign up for cleaning up two toddlers' messes! Have a family meeting and talk, very specifically, about what things he can do to help. But don't expect perfection!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times.

I'm so sorry you're overwhelmed at this stage in your life, but one thing is certain, this too shall pass. Times like this is when patience pays off. A friend told me once that we can't win every battle, the important thing is to win the war! I've applied this many times in my life, it's helped to avoid conflict after conflict, after all, I'm not perfect either. I heard also that begining a 10 min. clean up routine for everyone at the end of the day REALLY helps. Everyone has to go everywhere they've been that day and pick up after themselves. This could be a wonderful routine to start with your young family. Hang in there!!! I'll be praying for you ;0)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times.

Yes, it is.

FYI, I have always helped around the house and now do quite a lot including the outside maintenance. My ex was a SAHM for many years and went back into the workforce when the youngest was 10. I helped more once she went out of the home and even took over 100% when she went on several extended trips with a group, but I did try and give her a break some evenings as well as the opportunity to get out without the kids. So I do know what it's like, but in your case you have 1 child in their proverbial terrible twos. Not much of an onerous workload there imo.

Should he be less messy? Sure. Should you be less of a perfectionist? Sure. So I see a need for some give on both sides. But, a divorce? The fact you are even considering that says you have some significant issues beyond his messy nature. Maybe even depression and/or anxiety and perhaps even some envy. Do you really enjoy being a SAHM? And do you do a mother's day out during the week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had 3 like your's OP. Meaning one grown two younger versions.

A life of servitude, a broke down body and mine are the rewards. I wish I had walked out long ago. No one gave a damn.

In your case a quiet but resolute strike could have been in order. But the reality is that the servitude was part your own doing and whether you volunteered to be a slave or not, you had a big part in it.

[Anonymous]

"I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times."

Unless there is much more to your relationship than is described in this post (i.e. you have lots of other tensions and they manifest themselves with these "messes"), I think your reaction to potentially divorce is wildly over-the-top.

Your definition of a "mess" is also crazy strict...leaving a light on? Cabinet door open? He could leave every cabinet door open in the kitchen and you could close them all within 10 seconds...done. A light switch? Less than 1 second. Assuming all else is well, and you truly love your DH, these seem like very minor sacrifices. It's not like he's having his buddies over for poker night 3x a week and leaving the living room littered with beer cans.

You also say "I enjoy staying home" and then say "I have to be home all day." First you say you enjoy being home, but then frame it as a death sentence as it relates to these messes.

Sure your DH doesn't sound perfect, but you don't think he's making sacrifices for the relationship? You don't think he has to sit in traffic, or answer to some annoying A-hole boss at work?

If you really loved your husband as you say, you wouldn't be considering divorce over a couple of light switches. You sound so spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a stressed out mom of a toddler. It would be nice if your husband would help a bit more at home, but chaos and untidiness in the home right now go with the territory. I often advocate divorce for situations posted in this forum, but your situation does NOT even come close. If you can get a little outside help, do so. If not, please just stop trying to have a "show house" so you can relax and enjoy your young family. They grow really fast and you will have plenty of time to clean the kitchen counter when your little one is off at school in a few years.

OP here. This is not about having a "show house". Some people hate messiness. Physical messiness creates mental messiness for some. I happen to be one of those people. Cleanliness creates calm for me. As the mother of a toddler i understand that my home won't be as clean as pre-baby, but I would like in the meantime for my spouse to step up and stop contributing to the mess in communal areas of our house.

Okay. Then tell your spouse instead of anonymous people online. And get a divorce so you can avoid a messy house. To each his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times."

Anonymous wrote:Unless there is much more to your relationship than is described in this post (i.e. you have lots of other tensions and they manifest themselves with these "messes"), I think your reaction to potentially divorce is wildly over-the-top.

Your definition of a "mess" is also crazy strict...leaving a light on? Cabinet door open? He could leave every cabinet door open in the kitchen and you could close them all within 10 seconds...done. A light switch? Less than 1 second. Assuming all else is well, and you truly love your DH, these seem like very minor sacrifices. It's not like he's having his buddies over for poker night 3x a week and leaving the living room littered with beer cans.

You also say "I enjoy staying home" and then say "I have to be home all day." First you say you enjoy being home, but then frame it as a death sentence as it relates to these messes.

Sure your DH doesn't sound perfect, but you don't think he's making sacrifices for the relationship? You don't think he has to sit in traffic, or answer to some annoying A-hole boss at work?

If you really loved your husband as you say, you wouldn't be considering divorce over a couple of light switches. You sound so spoiled.

Agree with everything put into bold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times.

Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a stressed out mom of a toddler. It would be nice if your husband would help a bit more at home, but chaos and untidiness in the home right now go with the territory. I often advocate divorce for situations posted in this forum, but your situation does NOT even come close. If you can get a little outside help, do so. If not, please just stop trying to have a "show house" so you can relax and enjoy your young family. They grow really fast and you will have plenty of time to clean the kitchen counter when your little one is off at school in a few years.

OP here. This is not about having a "show house". Some people hate messiness. Physical messiness creates mental messiness for some. I happen to be one of those people. Cleanliness creates calm for me. As the mother of a toddler i understand that my home won't be as clean as pre-baby, but I would like in the meantime for my spouse to step up and stop contributing to the mess in communal areas of our house.

No, "some" people don't hate messiness. All people hate messiness. And all people think their spouses do annoying things. Right now, you feel like you are in a unique situation where you uniquely like clean and calm environments and your husband is uniquely messy. Both of these claims are false. If you replaced your husband, you would think the new one is messy too. And if he replaced you, your replacement would also dislike his mess. If you truly can't live like this and think being not in a relationship would be better for you, then yes, get a divorce. If you think that you are in a unique situation that can somehow be fixed by divorcing and remarrying, no, you're not. If you plan to remarry, what the whole thing will get you is a lot of pain, frustration, and wasted money all to get you into exactly the same situation as you are now.

False. Messiness just doesn't bug me the way it bugs others. I actually get stressed out when things are TOO neat. I feel better with a little mess and clutter. It's my husband who gets bugged by mess.

So here's my advice OP:

(1) Resign yourself to being the one to lead the charge on clean up because you're the one that cares.

(2) Ask your spouse to do better *for your sake* - not because it's innately better, although you think it is. Most people respond far better to positives than negatives.

(3) Be really appreciative as he improves. Focus on areas where he's getting better rather than the places where he still sucks. I can not tell you how frustrating, discouraging and counterproductive it is when I make a real effort to clean up one space in our house and rather than focusing on that my spouse criticizes another not-cleaned-up space. Makes me want to say F U and strop trying since I'm doing it *for him* (see #2.)

(4) Since you're more time crunched than pre-kids, figure out if there are other elements of family life you can switch to your DH to balance this out. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Speaking as a person unbothered by clutter, I can improve on being neater, but it will NEVER come as easily or naturally for me as it does for some people - it just isn't rewarding enough for me. However there are (what feels like) an endless number of other areas that need to be managed in family life. Try to focus on your DH's strengths and figure out what things he can take off your plate that will maximize the family benefit. Ideally you're looking to split tasks by optimizing on everybody's innate talents / skills so that all the work gets done with the least amount of pain.
--An example from our family: I plan ALL trips / vacations. DH enjoys going on good trips but doesn't enjoy the planing at all (and frankly, he's bad at it), while I LOVE trip planning, so putting in the time to plan trips doesn't *feel* like work to me. Thus with this split he doesn't need to do work he doesn't enjoy, I don't resent DH that I'm putting in that work, and we all get a great trip. It's a win-win for all of us.

OK, fine, some people also don't like it sparkling. But you['re saying you wish your husband would leave the cabinet door open more often after he takes stuff out? People have different gradations in what they find messy. But OP currently thinks she suffers from a semi-unique situation which makes her more sensitive, and literally nothing she has described in her post is even vaguely out of the ordinary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times.

Why do you clean up after him? He's a grown ass man!

[Anonymous]

I don't even understand, OP. Do you get easily overwhelmed? Have you seen a psychiatrist for this? When I SAH with one toddler, it was a wonderful, stress-free time in our lives. Yes, I cleaned up a lot, but I also learned to let shit go. And I could not even imagine thinking of divorce over petty stuff. Are you ill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a stressed out mom of a toddler. It would be nice if your husband would help a bit more at home, but chaos and untidiness in the home right now go with the territory. I often advocate divorce for situations posted in this forum, but your situation does NOT even come close. If you can get a little outside help, do so. If not, please just stop trying to have a "show house" so you can relax and enjoy your young family. They grow really fast and you will have plenty of time to clean the kitchen counter when your little one is off at school in a few years.

OP here. This is not about having a "show house". Some people hate messiness. Physical messiness creates mental messiness for some. I happen to be one of those people. Cleanliness creates calm for me. As the mother of a toddler i understand that my home won't be as clean as pre-baby, but I would like in the meantime for my spouse to step up and stop contributing to the mess in communal areas of our house.

No, "some" people don't hate messiness. All people hate messiness. And all people think their spouses do annoying things. Right now, you feel like you are in a unique situation where you uniquely like clean and calm environments and your husband is uniquely messy. Both of these claims are false. If you replaced your husband, you would think the new one is messy too. And if he replaced you, your replacement would also dislike his mess. If you truly can't live like this and think being not in a relationship would be better for you, then yes, get a divorce. If you think that you are in a unique situation that can somehow be fixed by divorcing and remarrying, no, you're not. If you plan to remarry, what the whole thing will get you is a lot of pain, frustration, and wasted money all to get you into exactly the same situation as you are now.

False. Messiness just doesn't bug me the way it bugs others. I actually get stressed out when things are TOO neat. I feel better with a little mess and clutter. It's my husband who gets bugged by mess.

So here's my advice OP:

(1) Resign yourself to being the one to lead the charge on clean up because you're the one that cares.

(2) Ask your spouse to do better *for your sake* - not because it's innately better, although you think it is. Most people respond far better to positives than negatives.

(3) Be really appreciative as he improves. Focus on areas where he's getting better rather than the places where he still sucks. I can not tell you how frustrating, discouraging and counterproductive it is when I make a real effort to clean up one space in our house and rather than focusing on that my spouse criticizes another not-cleaned-up space. Makes me want to say F U and strop trying since I'm doing it *for him* (see #2.)

(4) Since you're more time crunched than pre-kids, figure out if there are other elements of family life you can switch to your DH to balance this out. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Speaking as a person unbothered by clutter, I can improve on being neater, but it will NEVER come as easily or naturally for me as it does for some people - it just isn't rewarding enough for me. However there are (what feels like) an endless number of other areas that need to be managed in family life. Try to focus on your DH's strengths and figure out what things he can take off your plate that will maximize the family benefit. Ideally you're looking to split tasks by optimizing on everybody's innate talents / skills so that all the work gets done with the least amount of pain.
--An example from our family: I plan ALL trips / vacations. DH enjoys going on good trips but doesn't enjoy the planing at all (and frankly, he's bad at it), while I LOVE trip planning, so putting in the time to plan trips doesn't *feel* like work to me. Thus with this split he doesn't need to do work he doesn't enjoy, I don't resent DH that I'm putting in that work, and we all get a great trip. It's a win-win for all of us.

OK, fine, some people also don't like it sparkling. But you['re saying you wish your husband would leave the cabinet door open more often after he takes stuff out? People have different gradations in what they find messy. But OP currently thinks she suffers from a semi-unique situation which makes her more sensitive, and literally nothing she has described in her post is even vaguely out of the ordinary.

No - I'm saying *I'm* likely to leave the cabinet doors open, that *I'm* likely to drive my DH up a wall by letting clutter take over every flat surface in our house. *I* am like OP's DH. And I'm giving her tips on how best to manage living with someone like me / her husband. Her husband can certainly improve, but from how she writes she basically wants her DH to be a different person / to be personally bothered by the mess, and that's just not gonna happen. So she needs to figure out ways to get overall improvement in their life together / her level of happiness. And there are ways to do that, but expecting your spouse to radically change their behavior is generally a recipe for unhappiness.