I'm on the verge of divorce, talk me down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times.

Why do you clean up after him? He's a grown ass man!

Yeah, just leave all his $hit out for the ants and toddler to eat! His mommy must have done everything for him, then he put on avoid show while being a bachelor. What does he do around the house?

Said like a true welfare mom in Section 8 housing. You gonna pass that crack pipe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a full time SAH parent, you are the primary parent and should be responsible for cleaning up. Otherwise, what is the point?

Watching one child and cleaning up around the house shouldn't be this big of a deal. Imagine what it feels like to have a SAH wife who, instead of being grateful, can't handle one child and wanted to divorce because she occasionally has to clean up after you.

Maybe being a SAH isn't for you. Get a job and hire a house cleaner and a nanny.

Hey wifey, stay at home to care for the kids. Oh, and also I'm going to stop putting trash in the trash, putting my clean clothes in drawers, cleaning my dirty dishes and offing up anything for anyone (including mine) in the house. So a big thanks and F You everyday!

OP here. It's pretty much this. I know that what I'm complaining about may seem trivial. But it's everyday! I've expressed it politely on many occasions. I know that he can be reasonably tidy because he was very clean in public area when he had a neat freak roommate when we were dating, and when we lived together before getting married. Him taking things to a lazy level where he just said leaves stuff everywhere and doesn't even flush the toilet half the time, makes me feel like I'm a piece of crap. Like I'm not worthy of respect and just hear to live in a mess or pickup constantly. I don't mind doing most of the housework and childcare, but think he can at least throw trash in the garbage!

My wife doesn't always flush, stacks clothes on a chair...and more...and I do a fair amount t of housework...but I don't want to divorce her over it.

As for those things making you feel like a piece of garbage, that's your doing, not anyone else's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dollars to donuts, her DH had a SAHM.

I'm thinking the opposite. He probably just assumes that doing the housecleaning is a part of being a SAHM. But, apparently that's not the consensus on DCUM.

I did not know any SAHMs growing up, so I am fascinated by this phenomenon of affluent women, who go to expensive colleges, only to stay at home and raise 1 or 2 children, and not really work outside of the house until the kids are fully grown (if ever). And then somehow don't expect to be doing most of the housework and child rearing.

A previous poster suggested hiring a housekeeper. This is like a plumber saying that he needs the customer do some of the plumbing for him, or that you need to give him extra money, so he can hire a second plumber to do the actual plumbing. Would you want to hire this plumber?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dollars to donuts, her DH had a SAHM.

I'm thinking the opposite. He probably just assumes that doing the housecleaning is a part of being a SAHM. But, apparently that's not the consensus on DCUM.

I did not know any SAHMs growing up, so I am fascinated by this phenomenon of affluent women, who go to expensive colleges, only to stay at home and raise 1 or 2 children, and not really work outside of the house until the kids are fully grown (if ever). And then somehow don't expect to be doing most of the housework and child rearing.

A previous poster suggested hiring a housekeeper. This is like a plumber saying that he needs the customer do some of the plumbing for him, or that you need to give him extra money, so he can hire a second plumber to do the actual plumbing. Would you want to hire this plumber?

I completely agree!! My mom, and my aunt with my cousins, SAH with us in the 70's and 80's. We didn't have housekeepers. Our dads didn't clean. You want the SAH job? Be prepared to do the SAH work, princesses, which includes cleaning and tidying. The job used to be called a "homemaker"'before. For a reason.

[Anonymous]

As a neat freak, this would definitely impact the quality of life for me.

I need my external environment to be in order so that my mind can be calm.

If you are telling him over + over that he needs to be more tidy, yet it falls on deaf ears than that is showing a HUGE disrespect to you as a person.

Sure you could get a divorce.....or he can get his own place and you can live under separate roofs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dollars to donuts, her DH had a SAHM.

I'm thinking the opposite. He probably just assumes that doing the housecleaning is a part of being a SAHM. But, apparently that's not the consensus on DCUM.

I did not know any SAHMs growing up, so I am fascinated by this phenomenon of affluent women, who go to expensive colleges, only to stay at home and raise 1 or 2 children, and not really work outside of the house until the kids are fully grown (if ever). And then somehow don't expect to be doing most of the housework and child rearing.

A previous poster suggested hiring a housekeeper. This is like a plumber saying that he needs the customer do some of the plumbing for him, or that you need to give him extra money, so he can hire a second plumber to do the actual plumbing. Would you want to hire this plumber?

DH here. I have some buddies who had SAHMs, and they just assume the cleaning gets magically done. Especially awful in rommates but better thank DH b/c I just moved out. SAHM need to be sure to put their sons to work to break this cycle. But honestly DH example may trump their efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times.

It sounds like a lot of the mess gets made in the kitchen when the DH gets home from work? There is no dinner made so he is opening cabinets, throwing packaging on the floor, putting stuff back in the freezer? Could he be expecting dinner to be ready and feeling resentful that he has to make himself frozen and packaged foods? Is it reasonable to expect that a SAHM would have dinner ready most days? If dinner were ready he might stay out of the kitchen?

[Anonymous]

This is not worth divorcing over. He was probably doing this before you had a kid but you weren't as busy/tired so didn't notice closing the cabinet doors after him. Stop driving yourself crazy over this and just accept your new normal. You house will never be spotless again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a neat freak, this would definitely impact the quality of life for me.

I need my external environment to be in order so that my mind can be calm.

If you are telling him over + over that he needs to be more tidy, yet it falls on deaf ears than that is showing a HUGE disrespect to you as a person.

Sure you could get a divorce.....or he can get his own place and you can live under separate roofs.

I take a different view on this...if leaving cabinet doors open and light switches on (both things that can be remedied in a few seconds) are required to a) keep your mind calm and b) be a trigger for huge disrespect....worthy of divorcing her otherwise fine husband (there have been no other complaints) and breaking up a child's home...that is indicative of a mental disorder with OP and you. OCD? Anxiety?

This lady claims to enjoy staying home all day but then wants to divorce her husband over light switches and cabinets?

Think about the child!!!

Based on the facts presented by OP, I've never seen a bigger case of "the grass isn't always greener" (although it may be for her DH).

[Anonymous]

Op, go back to work. You'll have less time and energy to notice your DH's messes, and will not be spending your day putting everything in place for him to come home in the evening and mess it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please divorce him. My ex divorced me for precisely the same reasons and it was the best thing that ever happeened to me. I upgraded from a unambitious and selfish SAH to one of the top docs in the city.

Not to hijack this thread, but go to hell if you consider SAHs to be unambitious and selfish. Being a stay-at-home parent (and this goes for dads too) is one of the most selfless things you can ever do. Your *entire* day revolves around service to a toddler or infant. You sacrifice career goals because it is in the best interest of the child/family. It is an extremely selfless undertaking, and as is evidenced by this moron, incredibly thankless for 95 percent of the time. But I know this: When my kids are grown, I won't regret FOR ONE MINUTE staying home with them.

Oh for Pete's sake. A man (assuming man, could be woman, of course) can state that his wife was unambitious and selfish and not be making a statement about all women who SAH. His SAH was unambitious and selfish. He wasn't happy. He is now happy with his new doctor wife. That is all about his particular life. There is literally nothing in what he wrote that is a universal statement about all SAHMs. It is entirely possible that his SAH wife was, in fact, unambitious and selfish. Staying home does not mean that you can't be unambitious and selfish.

Your very self-centered response here indicates you might be a bit closer to what he divorced than you think. I was a SAHM too but when I stayed home, women like you drove me crazy with their self-congratulations. Not everything is about you! Also, for the record, it's not one of the most selfless things you can do. Or rather, there are way, way more selfless things in the world that I'd give a lot more credit to before I listed my time at home with my kids on top of that list.

+1

Some-- not all!-- SAHPs really need to get over themselves. And I say this as a SAHM!

[Anonymous]

This is a really useful discussion. I thought I was the only one whose husband didn't flush the toilet and left cabinet doors open so I can hit my head constantly when I'm trying to cook. Fortunately things have gotten better over time but it has taken over 30 years to get the husband better "trained." I have just had to have lots of patience and do a lot myself. But I would never get married again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to a 2 year old. It's hard. All day I'm. Cleaning up messes. But I enjoy staying home and my dh prefers it. I love my dh but he is always making messes. As soon as he comes home from work the messes begin. He leaves his shoes out, leaves lights on, leaves cabinet door opens, opens stuff out and leaves packaging on the floor, puts stuff in the freezer without closing the packaging. His job is to do the dishes but he constantly forgets to load all the fishes, doesn't pre-rinse them good enough for them to be clean, etc.

I know this seems small but it's driving me crazy. I have to be home all day, and for once I'd like to wake up in the morning to order before my toddler rips everything apart. Or not have to spend every moment of my life cleaning up after someone. Is this something stupid to divorce over? I've talked dh about it a million times.

OP, like most women in your situation, you are probably completely disorganized with the household chores and child care and waste lots of time during the day. So when your husband gets home from work, the house is still a wreck because you haven't done anything all day. His job isn't to do the dishes--that's your job. Your toddler doesn't rip everything apart, and if he does, it's because you're not very good at your "job" of being a SAHM. You don't spend every moment of your life cleaning up after someone.

Have you ever timed yourself? Actually timed yourself what you actually do during the day? I would be very surprised if you actually spent more than 3 or 4 hours doing anything useful during the time that your husband is at work. Stop talking to your husband a million times and get back to work.

Are you kidding?
Pls log in to our drop cams can check out my spouse come home from work to a clean have and make it a pigsty all on his own accord. Bottle opener there, empty Amazon box on the counter, keys/wallet/phone on the table, 3 pair of shoes in the hallway, empty 9pm yogurt left on the couch, crumbs on the counter from another snack time, backpack in the kitchen corridor, mail plopped down forever, dirty cups out on the counter, dirty underwear from 7am on the bathroom floor, unmade bed with 4 squashed pillows, earplugs on the floor for the baby to eat, folded laundry on his dresser stays for a week then ends up on the floor as it is picked through, empty ketchup/beer/wine containers stay out, bills everywhere getting lost, paid bills and important stuff in his office never filed, last oil change who knows, etc,etc etc.

I asked him if he'd like a housekeeper to come 3x a week to pick up after him and he got angry. Funny thing the only semi-respectful solution to living with a selective slob.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is something really wrong with your thought process. Do you threaten to divorce your DH over every little thing? How do you think that divorcing him is going to help you? Then you'll have to go back to work and still take care of all your own household stuff.

I really think that you're the biggest problem in this scenario. Until you change the way you view the situation and feel about it, you're going to be unhappy. Find a good counselor to help you with your coping skills, you sound as if you don't have any. Make some friends. Get out of the house. Take a long walk. Go to the gym.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dollars to donuts, her DH had a SAHM.

I'm thinking the opposite. He probably just assumes that doing the housecleaning is a part of being a SAHM. But, apparently that's not the consensus on DCUM.

I did not know any SAHMs growing up, so I am fascinated by this phenomenon of affluent women, who go to expensive colleges, only to stay at home and raise 1 or 2 children, and not really work outside of the house until the kids are fully grown (if ever). And then somehow don't expect to be doing most of the housework and child rearing.

A previous poster suggested hiring a housekeeper. This is like a plumber saying that he needs the customer do some of the plumbing for him, or that you need to give him extra money, so he can hire a second plumber to do the actual plumbing. Would you want to hire this plumber?

DH here. I have some buddies who had SAHMs, and they just assume the cleaning gets magically done. Especially awful in rommates but better thank DH b/c I just moved out. SAHM need to be sure to put their sons to work to break this cycle. But honestly DH example may trump their efforts.

Do you not see the irony in this statement? Maybe some SAHPs should "get to work," since that's literally their role.

I just don't understand the attitude of a SAHP who doesn't expect to have to do a ton of cleaning and housework. Can you imagine if a SAH husband DARED to complain about his DW being messy after she got home from her FT job. DCUM would rip him a new one In fact, DCUM routinely advises women to divorce SAH DHs. It's such a ridiculous double standard.

I understand being annoyed if DH is n outrageous slob, but I don't get that impression from the OPs complaints -- certainly not enough to justify divorce. I can also understand if both parents are working -- in that case the burden should be shared. But a SAHP parent, with ONE child, should be able to handle almost all of the household stuff. Otherwise, what is the point?

Whoah to anyone who is stuck with one of these useless martyrs.